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E-mail to the Official Site, September 1999
Good Morning Dennis and Amy,
This is just a quick note to tell you I am no longer a writer. These days, I’m just a small toy that publicists push around all day. With luck, I can ditch my toy status and go back to work soon.
This morning, we’re all waiting for the last weekend’s ‘numbers’ on the Fight Club movie. Rumored fight clubs seem to be starting around the country. Susan Faludi (author of Backlash and Stiffed) is a fan, telling her audiences, “It was like reading my own book [Stiffed] on speed.” Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails) is a fan, no surprise since I wrote most of it with The Downward Spiral blaring in my Walkman.
All this is happening, and now here’s your amazing site. Thank you. Swamped as I am, this is a much-appreciated personal connection with someone real—the opposite of those bah-zillion flip-glib 3-minute radio ‘interviews’ or the 20-second sound-bites on CNN. Even if we’re just keyboarding back and forth, this lets me feel like a person dealing with a person. I appreciate that more than I can describe.
The night the movie opened here in Portland, I took 50 friends and they sat, keeping track of all the lines in the movie that each of them had said themselves in real life. Almost all of the book was collected from my peers, and the day I get stuck on a pedestal, disconnected from my friends, is the day I run out of ideas.
So, blah, blah, blah, send your questions. If you need proof that I’m the real Chuck Palahniuk, I can explain the ending to Survivor (how he does not die).
All My Best,
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, March 2000
Here’s just a quick letter back to explain why I’m so slow.
First, I’m stoopid. Second, I’m finishing the first draft of Choke. It goes to New York, today.
I can’t say too much about the people involved in Survivor. It seems like I’ve said too much as it is, and I don’t want to jinx things. Probably not Boyle or Mendes. About David’s next project, I don’t know… He’s talked about doing a black-and-white period movie about the man who co-wrote Citizen Kane, but I guess it’s harder to get funding for a black-and-white movie. I’ve heard a lot about The Sky is Falling, also.
More stuff I wrote: there was a back page piece in Bikini Review last summer. And a chapter of Choke comes out in the June Playboy. Also, I’ve had several stories in the now-defunct Story magazine. I will miss that magazine. Oh, and there was a puffy piece I did for US magazine last August.
One very sad piece of news, I got called by somebody representing Trent Reznor and asking if I’d help do the program for the upcoming Nine Inch Nails tour. What’s miserable is I had to say no. Too busy and too close to done. It would be like trying to stop pissing/pooping/cumming mid-process. Not that Choke is excrement… See what I mean about saying too much.
Actually, Choke’s the best frigging thing I’ve ever done. Gotta go.
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, July 2000
Damn.
Dennis and Amy, I am such a totally stupid fuck. The dot-net thing is typical of my life right now. Another typical thing is letting my emails pile up for six weeks while I re-write Choke and do a bunch of magazine articles.
This is the down-side to doing a new book. You lose all your friends because you don’t have time for them. I’m out of touch with the people at Fox. I have no clean underwear. Still, Choke’s off in New York, and if my editor okays it, then I’ll be very happy.
Other stuff is, I did a couple articles for Gear magazine (Olympic wrestling/steroids) and an article on living aboard a nuclear sub for Nest. Black Book magazine says they’ll ship me to LA this week to interview Juliette Lewis. The rest of the summer, I plan to travel and write for other magazines.
(Here’s a hastily written aside: in my article for Nest, the US Navy wanted to ‘fact check’ it for technical details… they ended up removing only two things, the slang terms that sailors use for corned beef and sauerbraten: “baboon ass and donkey dick”… of course, these were the two funniest bits in the article, but we’re talking about national security here… now about the launch codes I found…)
About Trent Reznor, it was a shock. Neither of us walked a step from the spot where we first shook hands. We just talked and talked. My friends were a little shocked by how personal we got about ourselves, but it was like meeting a brother my parents never told me I had. He’s in Europe, touring in the festivals, but we’ve made plans to get together later and talk about some ideas.
My only concern is the news about Bill Mechanic, the head of Fox, resigning. I hope that Fight Club wasn’t a coffin nail. News is Murdoch hated the controversy, but his daughter loved the movie. Bill seems like a cool guy, and his wife Carol had me laughing like a crazy person. Maybe this will put a big development cloud over Survivor, maybe not. They did seem pretty excited about Trent doing the scoring. This week, I should hear more.
The newest news on Survivor is that Jake Paltrow’s pitch was dead-on, and the studio has given him until this fall to write a first draft. As an aside, Rupert Murdoch’s son was overheard at a party recently, telling a Fox executive that he loved Fight Club, within earshot of his father (who reportedly was not thrilled with the movie, although one insider told me that Murdoch screened it, laughed and said, “Make it darker!”).
As for cast and crew, people at Fox say it’s just too early to name names.
Choke is 281 pages in manuscript, and the protagonist’s name is Victor Kleine (angry, failed med student, sex addict full of self-loathing), best friend’s name is Denny (self-defeating, masochistic masturbation addict—the anti-Tyler), love interest is named Paige Marshall (altruistic, idealistic doctor). There are several very inflammatory catch-phrases, but I’ll let you see for yourself.
(Flash: even while I’m writing this my agent just called to say Doubleday’s accepted the re-write, and loved it.)
As an aside, I’m looking at buying a strange isolated castle in a dark canyon, looming over a rushing river. It’s the lifetime project of a Scotsman, built an hour outside Portland, Oregon, and would make a great writer’s colony. Towers. Balconies. Dungeon. It has a lot of erotic art on the walls and shag rugs and feels a little like the Playboy Mansion Northwest. Some friends and I saw it this last weekend, and who knows… It also feels like the first third of Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House.
How’s your screen work going?? Teach me the secret to writing screenplays!
Again, I’m sorry about the dot-net gaff. I remain, the stupid, stupidest:
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, December 2000
Two days before Christmas, the jury in Moscow, Idaho voted the man accused of killing my Dad guilty on all counts. The second defendant has pleaded guilty, and the third will go to trial in Wallace, Idaho. The sentencing will be in May, after I get a chance to talk to the judge. I’ve always been in favor of the death penalty, but now I don’t know. This new book, Lullaby, is me metaphorically hashing through the moral issue of killing anyone. Maybe that’s why it’s so driven.
I’m 1/3 done with the first draft for a horror novel, and I can’t remember to wipe my ass. It’s called Lullaby, and it doesn’t leave me time to eat or sleep.
Plus an outfit called Fire-Proof Films in the UK wants to make Invisible Monsters into a movie. Their demo tape looks great, full of very slick commercials/fashion and surreal high-tech music videos.
Want some good news? I hung out backstage with Marilyn Manson January 5, here in Portland. It was his birthday, and we sat around his dressing room. He travels with a Fight Club poster that he hangs in each town. And he wants to read the audio book for Survivor. With his deep-deep voice, it would be excellent.
Oh, and Santa brought me an 8-week-old Boston terrier that’s eaten all the skin off my hands.
Next week, I’m supposed to be a fake “blind” person during a fake “gallery walking tour for the blind” that’s planned to disrupt the monthly First Thursday gallery party. It’s in such poor taste, how could I say ‘no.’
Hey, for 1,300 dollars, that guitar should have a vagina and tits. Enjoy your snow. He he he.
Drink’n a beer,
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, June 2001
Choke’s now number ten on the New York Times bestseller list (it will appear the week after next), plus it’s on the Wall Street Journal bestseller list (very exclusive list) and the USA Today list, and the San Francisco Chronicle list. Now I have evil media handlers that will hail me away from the mob.
Nicole Kidman is reading the Survivor screenplay, and Paltrow’s shopping it around to the people he wants to work with.
Gerry, my editor, says Lullaby is the cleanest draft/idea I’ve had, ever. Trouble is, it’s too scary. He says to tone things down. I reminded him he’s the man who wanted the lipo-soap removed from Fight Club. I’ll send a copy to you when I get one back from a friend (Tammy, she was Fertility in Survivor).
Hey, can you mention—when people write, can they put their return address clearly on the letter itself. Often the envelope gets trashed by the agency, or it’s unreadable because of handling by the post office. I answer every letter, and it burns me out when the address is gone or smudged to illegible.
Here’s a nice story, I’ve been sending out all my 20 free contract copies of Choke. Last night, at a gas station, I had a copy in the car. I asked the goth guy who was pumping gas if he read very much. He said, “A little.” I went to give him the copy of Choke, and he went nuts! He ran to his chair and showed me the book he was reading… Invisible Monsters! It was a magic-fucking-moment. I made out both books to him. He was way too happy for a goth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, February 2002
Hey Dennis,
Not much to report. I’ve been transcribing taped interviews and going to the gym. Crown Publishing wants to do a series of travel guides so they’re asking authors to each write about the city/area where they live. They’ve asked me for 25,000 words about Portland. Right now, I’m hunting/gathering weird Portland facts, places, stories to make this dark alternative tour of the “Rose City.” I’m not sure when it will publish, but I’ll let you know.
The Chemical Pink project is slow starting so I’m getting into a new novel, a ghost story unlike any I’ve ever heard of. Even my psychic friends are impressed by the premise, but enough said. Right now, I have to research a half dozen different fields of study. Most recently, I wrote a long essay for an anthology to benefit the Humane Society. It’s an interview with a woman who trains dogs to find dead and missing people. Mostly children. Her stories about the thousands dead in Hurricane Mitch were awful. It will be the darkest piece in the collection, maybe. When the anthology (edited by Ken Foster) publishes, I’m not sure. I don’t think anybody is too sure right now.
Your Don DeLillo story spooks me a little. What did you think of it?
Jesse Peyronel is storyboarding Invisible Monsters now and expects to start production this summer. I’m asking them not tell me the actors until things are further along. I don’t want to mislead anybody until there are solid commitments.
The HBO series is back-burned. The production company said, “Let’s not call it dead. Let’s just stick a pin in it.” I love that—stick a pin in it! And yeah, Jim Uhls and I met Tarantino for a few minutes and talked in a light (ha-ha) way about him directing. He seemed interested in a light (ha-ha) way. He was also blonde.
We’re still waiting for cover art on Lullaby. Entertainment Weekly gave it a nice mention as an event to watch for in September. Are you working on a film right now? I missed Zoolander, but I’ll get the video.
Got to go,
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, August 2002
Hello Dennis,
I’d like to send an update about how tour has gone—kids slept outside the Ann Arbor Michigan Borders, all night, to get good seats—in Berkeley, a mob of “waiters” with black eyes pelted the audience with dinner rolls—in Chicago, I signed for 5Ѕ hours and an angry black guy got in my face, shouting, “Every generation has to have its Dolph Lundgren…”
So, I am fucking tired. So much more to tell, but I’m pounding out the re-write on Period Revival for 2003 (names to come, from you), and a re-write on the travel book.
Plus, I agreed to “make” a present for Fincher’s 40th birthday, this month.
But—and this is a little task… can you add a link to “BookSense” to the Chuck website? It’s the bookselling organization for independent book stores, and those are the ones I really want to support.
Anyway, lots of people on the road are asking about you and Our Lady. I’ll read up on the package you sent so I can tell them more.
Thanks,
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Letter to a Fan, July 2000
Dear Sara,
Thanks for liking the books.
It makes me laugh (until I pee blood) how Roger Ebert gave Fight Club a thumbs down and condemned it. His was one of the worst reviews. But this spring, he gave the DVD a thumbs up…?!? And raved about it…?!
I think we all owe David Fincher a big apology, and a nice kiss on the butt.
Invisible Monsters, jeez, I feel a need to apologize for that one. It just got out of control. I started writing it one night with a bunch of friends at the top of the Space Needle in Seattle. It was the night of the Rodney King verdict, and we could hear the rioters breaking the windows out of Nordstrom’s downtown. Then we went to the Rebar Lounge and stage dove (dived?).
You haven’t seen sick until you read Choke, due out next April. It’s a funny romantic comedy about compulsive sexual addiction, and the movie studios are already phoning me. Some with their tongues hanging out. Go figure.
Please, cross your fingers about Trent Reznor and Survivor.
Okay, Mr. Ebert, pucker up.
Sincerely,
Chuck Palahniuk
Good Morning Dennis and Amy,
This is just a quick note to tell you I am no longer a writer. These days, I’m just a small toy that publicists push around all day. With luck, I can ditch my toy status and go back to work soon.
This morning, we’re all waiting for the last weekend’s ‘numbers’ on the Fight Club movie. Rumored fight clubs seem to be starting around the country. Susan Faludi (author of Backlash and Stiffed) is a fan, telling her audiences, “It was like reading my own book [Stiffed] on speed.” Trent Reznor (Nine Inch Nails) is a fan, no surprise since I wrote most of it with The Downward Spiral blaring in my Walkman.
All this is happening, and now here’s your amazing site. Thank you. Swamped as I am, this is a much-appreciated personal connection with someone real—the opposite of those bah-zillion flip-glib 3-minute radio ‘interviews’ or the 20-second sound-bites on CNN. Even if we’re just keyboarding back and forth, this lets me feel like a person dealing with a person. I appreciate that more than I can describe.
The night the movie opened here in Portland, I took 50 friends and they sat, keeping track of all the lines in the movie that each of them had said themselves in real life. Almost all of the book was collected from my peers, and the day I get stuck on a pedestal, disconnected from my friends, is the day I run out of ideas.
So, blah, blah, blah, send your questions. If you need proof that I’m the real Chuck Palahniuk, I can explain the ending to Survivor (how he does not die).
All My Best,
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, March 2000
Here’s just a quick letter back to explain why I’m so slow.
First, I’m stoopid. Second, I’m finishing the first draft of Choke. It goes to New York, today.
I can’t say too much about the people involved in Survivor. It seems like I’ve said too much as it is, and I don’t want to jinx things. Probably not Boyle or Mendes. About David’s next project, I don’t know… He’s talked about doing a black-and-white period movie about the man who co-wrote Citizen Kane, but I guess it’s harder to get funding for a black-and-white movie. I’ve heard a lot about The Sky is Falling, also.
More stuff I wrote: there was a back page piece in Bikini Review last summer. And a chapter of Choke comes out in the June Playboy. Also, I’ve had several stories in the now-defunct Story magazine. I will miss that magazine. Oh, and there was a puffy piece I did for US magazine last August.
One very sad piece of news, I got called by somebody representing Trent Reznor and asking if I’d help do the program for the upcoming Nine Inch Nails tour. What’s miserable is I had to say no. Too busy and too close to done. It would be like trying to stop pissing/pooping/cumming mid-process. Not that Choke is excrement… See what I mean about saying too much.
Actually, Choke’s the best frigging thing I’ve ever done. Gotta go.
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, July 2000
Damn.
Dennis and Amy, I am such a totally stupid fuck. The dot-net thing is typical of my life right now. Another typical thing is letting my emails pile up for six weeks while I re-write Choke and do a bunch of magazine articles.
This is the down-side to doing a new book. You lose all your friends because you don’t have time for them. I’m out of touch with the people at Fox. I have no clean underwear. Still, Choke’s off in New York, and if my editor okays it, then I’ll be very happy.
Other stuff is, I did a couple articles for Gear magazine (Olympic wrestling/steroids) and an article on living aboard a nuclear sub for Nest. Black Book magazine says they’ll ship me to LA this week to interview Juliette Lewis. The rest of the summer, I plan to travel and write for other magazines.
(Here’s a hastily written aside: in my article for Nest, the US Navy wanted to ‘fact check’ it for technical details… they ended up removing only two things, the slang terms that sailors use for corned beef and sauerbraten: “baboon ass and donkey dick”… of course, these were the two funniest bits in the article, but we’re talking about national security here… now about the launch codes I found…)
About Trent Reznor, it was a shock. Neither of us walked a step from the spot where we first shook hands. We just talked and talked. My friends were a little shocked by how personal we got about ourselves, but it was like meeting a brother my parents never told me I had. He’s in Europe, touring in the festivals, but we’ve made plans to get together later and talk about some ideas.
My only concern is the news about Bill Mechanic, the head of Fox, resigning. I hope that Fight Club wasn’t a coffin nail. News is Murdoch hated the controversy, but his daughter loved the movie. Bill seems like a cool guy, and his wife Carol had me laughing like a crazy person. Maybe this will put a big development cloud over Survivor, maybe not. They did seem pretty excited about Trent doing the scoring. This week, I should hear more.
The newest news on Survivor is that Jake Paltrow’s pitch was dead-on, and the studio has given him until this fall to write a first draft. As an aside, Rupert Murdoch’s son was overheard at a party recently, telling a Fox executive that he loved Fight Club, within earshot of his father (who reportedly was not thrilled with the movie, although one insider told me that Murdoch screened it, laughed and said, “Make it darker!”).
As for cast and crew, people at Fox say it’s just too early to name names.
Choke is 281 pages in manuscript, and the protagonist’s name is Victor Kleine (angry, failed med student, sex addict full of self-loathing), best friend’s name is Denny (self-defeating, masochistic masturbation addict—the anti-Tyler), love interest is named Paige Marshall (altruistic, idealistic doctor). There are several very inflammatory catch-phrases, but I’ll let you see for yourself.
(Flash: even while I’m writing this my agent just called to say Doubleday’s accepted the re-write, and loved it.)
As an aside, I’m looking at buying a strange isolated castle in a dark canyon, looming over a rushing river. It’s the lifetime project of a Scotsman, built an hour outside Portland, Oregon, and would make a great writer’s colony. Towers. Balconies. Dungeon. It has a lot of erotic art on the walls and shag rugs and feels a little like the Playboy Mansion Northwest. Some friends and I saw it this last weekend, and who knows… It also feels like the first third of Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House.
How’s your screen work going?? Teach me the secret to writing screenplays!
Again, I’m sorry about the dot-net gaff. I remain, the stupid, stupidest:
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, December 2000
Two days before Christmas, the jury in Moscow, Idaho voted the man accused of killing my Dad guilty on all counts. The second defendant has pleaded guilty, and the third will go to trial in Wallace, Idaho. The sentencing will be in May, after I get a chance to talk to the judge. I’ve always been in favor of the death penalty, but now I don’t know. This new book, Lullaby, is me metaphorically hashing through the moral issue of killing anyone. Maybe that’s why it’s so driven.
I’m 1/3 done with the first draft for a horror novel, and I can’t remember to wipe my ass. It’s called Lullaby, and it doesn’t leave me time to eat or sleep.
Plus an outfit called Fire-Proof Films in the UK wants to make Invisible Monsters into a movie. Their demo tape looks great, full of very slick commercials/fashion and surreal high-tech music videos.
Want some good news? I hung out backstage with Marilyn Manson January 5, here in Portland. It was his birthday, and we sat around his dressing room. He travels with a Fight Club poster that he hangs in each town. And he wants to read the audio book for Survivor. With his deep-deep voice, it would be excellent.
Oh, and Santa brought me an 8-week-old Boston terrier that’s eaten all the skin off my hands.
Next week, I’m supposed to be a fake “blind” person during a fake “gallery walking tour for the blind” that’s planned to disrupt the monthly First Thursday gallery party. It’s in such poor taste, how could I say ‘no.’
Hey, for 1,300 dollars, that guitar should have a vagina and tits. Enjoy your snow. He he he.
Drink’n a beer,
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, June 2001
Choke’s now number ten on the New York Times bestseller list (it will appear the week after next), plus it’s on the Wall Street Journal bestseller list (very exclusive list) and the USA Today list, and the San Francisco Chronicle list. Now I have evil media handlers that will hail me away from the mob.
Nicole Kidman is reading the Survivor screenplay, and Paltrow’s shopping it around to the people he wants to work with.
Gerry, my editor, says Lullaby is the cleanest draft/idea I’ve had, ever. Trouble is, it’s too scary. He says to tone things down. I reminded him he’s the man who wanted the lipo-soap removed from Fight Club. I’ll send a copy to you when I get one back from a friend (Tammy, she was Fertility in Survivor).
Hey, can you mention—when people write, can they put their return address clearly on the letter itself. Often the envelope gets trashed by the agency, or it’s unreadable because of handling by the post office. I answer every letter, and it burns me out when the address is gone or smudged to illegible.
Here’s a nice story, I’ve been sending out all my 20 free contract copies of Choke. Last night, at a gas station, I had a copy in the car. I asked the goth guy who was pumping gas if he read very much. He said, “A little.” I went to give him the copy of Choke, and he went nuts! He ran to his chair and showed me the book he was reading… Invisible Monsters! It was a magic-fucking-moment. I made out both books to him. He was way too happy for a goth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, February 2002
Hey Dennis,
Not much to report. I’ve been transcribing taped interviews and going to the gym. Crown Publishing wants to do a series of travel guides so they’re asking authors to each write about the city/area where they live. They’ve asked me for 25,000 words about Portland. Right now, I’m hunting/gathering weird Portland facts, places, stories to make this dark alternative tour of the “Rose City.” I’m not sure when it will publish, but I’ll let you know.
The Chemical Pink project is slow starting so I’m getting into a new novel, a ghost story unlike any I’ve ever heard of. Even my psychic friends are impressed by the premise, but enough said. Right now, I have to research a half dozen different fields of study. Most recently, I wrote a long essay for an anthology to benefit the Humane Society. It’s an interview with a woman who trains dogs to find dead and missing people. Mostly children. Her stories about the thousands dead in Hurricane Mitch were awful. It will be the darkest piece in the collection, maybe. When the anthology (edited by Ken Foster) publishes, I’m not sure. I don’t think anybody is too sure right now.
Your Don DeLillo story spooks me a little. What did you think of it?
Jesse Peyronel is storyboarding Invisible Monsters now and expects to start production this summer. I’m asking them not tell me the actors until things are further along. I don’t want to mislead anybody until there are solid commitments.
The HBO series is back-burned. The production company said, “Let’s not call it dead. Let’s just stick a pin in it.” I love that—stick a pin in it! And yeah, Jim Uhls and I met Tarantino for a few minutes and talked in a light (ha-ha) way about him directing. He seemed interested in a light (ha-ha) way. He was also blonde.
We’re still waiting for cover art on Lullaby. Entertainment Weekly gave it a nice mention as an event to watch for in September. Are you working on a film right now? I missed Zoolander, but I’ll get the video.
Got to go,
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E-mail to the Official Site, August 2002
Hello Dennis,
I’d like to send an update about how tour has gone—kids slept outside the Ann Arbor Michigan Borders, all night, to get good seats—in Berkeley, a mob of “waiters” with black eyes pelted the audience with dinner rolls—in Chicago, I signed for 5Ѕ hours and an angry black guy got in my face, shouting, “Every generation has to have its Dolph Lundgren…”
So, I am fucking tired. So much more to tell, but I’m pounding out the re-write on Period Revival for 2003 (names to come, from you), and a re-write on the travel book.
Plus, I agreed to “make” a present for Fincher’s 40th birthday, this month.
But—and this is a little task… can you add a link to “BookSense” to the Chuck website? It’s the bookselling organization for independent book stores, and those are the ones I really want to support.
Anyway, lots of people on the road are asking about you and Our Lady. I’ll read up on the package you sent so I can tell them more.
Thanks,
Chuck
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Letter to a Fan, July 2000
Dear Sara,
Thanks for liking the books.
It makes me laugh (until I pee blood) how Roger Ebert gave Fight Club a thumbs down and condemned it. His was one of the worst reviews. But this spring, he gave the DVD a thumbs up…?!? And raved about it…?!
I think we all owe David Fincher a big apology, and a nice kiss on the butt.
Invisible Monsters, jeez, I feel a need to apologize for that one. It just got out of control. I started writing it one night with a bunch of friends at the top of the Space Needle in Seattle. It was the night of the Rodney King verdict, and we could hear the rioters breaking the windows out of Nordstrom’s downtown. Then we went to the Rebar Lounge and stage dove (dived?).
You haven’t seen sick until you read Choke, due out next April. It’s a funny romantic comedy about compulsive sexual addiction, and the movie studios are already phoning me. Some with their tongues hanging out. Go figure.
Please, cross your fingers about Trent Reznor and Survivor.
Okay, Mr. Ebert, pucker up.
Sincerely,
Chuck Palahniuk
