Boyfriend advice & working out

[PowerPrincess]

Hey ladies,

Question - what is your opinion of this situation.

My boyfriend always tells me i'm the most beautiful girl in the world and i don't have to loose any weight. It irks me b/c i'm really trying hard to get myself back into shape and have that confident mindset - and these past couple of days, it's working. However - he seems to take me going to the gym as not a priority - even though it is completely a priority for me.
Another thing, he doesn't work out - he spends sooo much time making money on business deals.

what do you think about this???

 

[wend]

I think you just need to talk to him and explain to him that you really enjoy working out (and seeing the results). It's nice that he likes you as you are, but that doesn't mean you can't seek to improve.

He has no more right to make you not want to work out than you do to try to make him want to work out. (Though, when you REALLY start getting into good shape, it will probably make him want to get in better shape, btw. Setting a good example is the only way to motivate someone else.)

 

[tuc biscuit]

just explain to him it is very important to you

what would be your ideal situation? him going to the gym with you/him supporting you etc.?

 

[T&T]

Is he the jealous type?

 

[Daisy_Girl]

I think Wend is right on. You need to have a heart to heart with him. You need to let him know that it is GREAT he likes you how you are, and that means a lot to you. The supprt he gives you on how you look is important, but so is making yourself feel you from within. You have goals you set for yourself and you want to reach them. This means the gym and eating right is a high priority for you. Compare it to things HE views as a priority....maybe them he will understand where you are coming from.

 

[jenscats5]

Well, he could just not be interested in working out and really does think you look fine & is satisfied with how you look......or.....he could feel threatened that you will look better & attract other men, thus dumping him in the process or is threatened that you found an interest away from him.....or neither....

Talk to him about it & explain to him that it's important to you -- after all you need YOUR time & working out can be YOUR time with yourself.....

If he's just not interested he may become interested.....my hubby got into my routine with me when his "fat belly" or so he calls it really started bothering him & the routine worked (WOW!! what a concept), now he's my workout partner!

 

[PBR]

jenz has brought up a very real point in the first part of her post...not to be negative in any way: I have seen this time and time again, where the male is very threatened by "what could happen if "......the same goes for women on the other hand, but guys that are into fitness are more apt to welcome their significant other getting into shape...men get just as threatened as women do when there is competition (thats what they see) not that there is any- its what is often interpreted...especially men who are not athletic or who dont have that mind set...inferiority complex can set in...this may not be "your" issue at all- just expanding a little on jenz post...

 

[wend]

My husband was more than a tad jealous when I started going to the gym, but he realized that it was important to me, and that if he tried to dissuade me, it would backfire. It was tough for him, I think, but now he's fine with it, and he's really enjoying my physique!

 

[jenscats5]

PBR -- thanks for backing me up! LOL

I agree with Wend -- he may be against it now but when he starts to see how the rewards will benefit HIM, he may become more supportive or at least won't complain as much......

 

[PowerPrincess]

Is he the jealous type?

Yes, definitely.

 

[PowerPrincess]

Well, he could just not be interested in working out and really does think you look fine & is satisfied with how you look......or.....he could feel threatened that you will look better & attract other men, thus dumping him in the process or is threatened that you found an interest away from him.....or neither....QUOTE]


I think you hit it on the head, he's always worried men are going to hit on me. It's kinda frusturating, b/c i'm always like are you crazy, they never talk to me - why would they start now, but he insists that they will....

he says he doesn't have time to go to the gym, and he has definitely put on 10lbs in the past 10 months at least in his belly....and i know he knows it.

 

[T&T]

Yes, definitely.

Jealousy is normal, but taken to the extreme is a sign of self confidence issues.

He looks like he's trying to bring you down to make himself look better. That's extreme! (this is just an opinion, from what I know of him, but I don't know much)

Does he do that on other occasion?
For example you go out with his friends and when you get a compliment, like:"You look fit, are you working out?" He jump in an answer for you with something like:"She doesn't work out that hard"

Is he older than you?

Is he considered rich?

 

[majutsu]

Wow . . . what a thread. Here's a man's point of view. My situation with Wend was odd. I was going to the gym already, into it, anabolics, etc. I had trouble with her wanting to get into it after me. I was initially terribly excited. The problem was, Wend is a pretty girl, and in about 1-2 weeks, 4-5 guys had asked me if we were "swingers", if they could ask her out, etc. And these were the nuts that talked to me . . . From her point of view, people would come up to her and put hands on her while she stretched, one guy talked about his life goals and asked to do paired massage, no doubt after seeing her drop off children at daycare. Fact is, men are dogs. Gym men in particular, do not seem to respect marriage, relationship or personal space. Wend had to learn unfamilar behavior patterns to avoid some dangerous situations: wearing headphones, less revealing more functional clothes, not making smal talk to people as often as she was inclined in the past, etc. Now it's been quite a while since there have been any significant problems and we are both comfortable. But there were some uncomfortable arguments where Wend was scared in response to some sexual harassment, and I was angry, yet also accusing her of "encouring" it. Ugly stuff . . .

So he's not crazy. If you go to the gym, it's a very physical, sexual place. You will be propositioned. Your libido will be up, with improved vitality. You will also look more attractive as you continue to go to the gym. If you all are unmarried, if he's stays home, uninterested in fitness, just making money and getting fatter, and you are interested in self-improvement and physicality, getting sexier, and being propositioned by healthy, sexy men daily, you all could grow apart. If he goes to the gym, against his instincts, he is "obeying" you, like his mother, and you got the power. That cannot be . . . He's stuck. Male POV

 

[wend]

If he goes to the gym, against his instincts, he is "obeying" you, like his mother, and you got the power. That cannot be . . . He's stuck.

That's why I suggested that the best way to encourage him is simply to set a great example of health and fitness (like Majutsu did for me). And to counteract the jealousy, you just need to reassure him, in as many ways as possible, that you love him and find him attractive, whatever his level of fitness. Hopefully, for the sake of your relationship and his health, he'll catch the fitness bug.

 

[jenscats5]

Wow Wend -- what a negative experience to go thru at they gym of all places!! Where everyone is supposed to be about health & fitness. jeez!

I go to a smaller more private type of gym & a lot of the men are gay so I don't have that problem. Plus I have a tendency to look PO'd when I workout so I guess I put off a lot of people.

 

[wend]

Yeah, it sucked. The guy that would put his hands on me and talk to me about his life goals, etc., was actually a PT that Maj had offered to pay to help me out, learning proper form. So at first I figured he was just doing what he was supposed to do (as far as touching me), but it started to get really uncomfortable...he'd do it when it wasn't at all necessary.

Now maybe y'all understand a little better why I'm not getting big hooters any time soon, or showing my panties at the gym, etc.

The headphones and "tunnel vision" tactic works very well, now. I hated it at first...I don't like being unfriendly (though I can certainly be an excellent bitch when someone asks for it), but it's the only thing that works for me in the gym, so I can get a good workout and get out of there without being bothered.

 

[Puddles]

PowerPrincess, just as his dedication to making money is high for him, your dedication to improving your physical fitness is high for you. He needs to understand this is something you do for yourself.

My husband had been training since before we met, and although I never understood why it was so important to him, I always supported him because it was something he enjoyed doing, it made him happy. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I understood why he did what he did and now it's as much a part of my life as it is his...actually ours. It's become something we're both doing together which makes it even better.

Also, you know what kind of condition you want your body to be in, but he's happy with you just as you are. He's probably being quite honest there. Not everyone is hell bent on having a partner with a superior body. So, take his comments as they're probably intended, as flattery.

Explain to him that if he really does care about you though, he'll need to be supportive of what makes you happy, so if that means training or basket weaving, he should encourage you to reach your goals.

 

[majutsu]

Actually, I got an idea. Next time he's going on about the gym, tell him your really too tired from working out to listen to all that crap. In fact, tell him to shut up and go make you a sandwich because you need the protein. You can also tell him that if he behaves himself, you'll let him lick your pussy later.


j/k

 

[c3bodybuilding]

LOL @ wend and maj gym experience. This happens to me a lot with my fiancee'! This one rude guy always sparks up a conversation, but not just general chit chat, like trying to get a date. And some other goon who thinks he is a lady's man (balding, fat and a ponytail, girls watch out!) thinks she is in love with him. I overheard him one day in the back of the locker room (I was out front, he didn't see me) say "yeah she digs me, but the boyfriends always around messing it up). I starting laughing, when he came out he had his head down looking at the floor, and he was bright red. I told my fiancee' about it, and we had a good laugh.

She is just friendly like Wend seems to be. It's not in her nature to seem cold to others. Now she doesn't say a word to anyone in the gym. She was disgusted that he thought she was interested.

 

[wend]

I know just how she felt. It's really not right that a woman can't be friendly without some turd thinking she's after his man-thing. I mean, get a grip, guys. Take a reality check now and then, eh? But that's just what we have to deal with. Tell your fiance that she's not alone! (And to get used to it.)

 

[velvett]

I think that men and women need time to themselves and can choose what they wish to do during those time without outside judgement.

If he doesn't respect your desire to spend time working out he doesn't respect you.

Something to sit sit down and discuss rationally as he just might not see the importance as you do.

 

[PowerPrincess]

Jealousy is normal, but taken to the extreme is a sign of self confidence issues.

He looks like he's trying to bring you down to make himself look better. That's extreme! (this is just an opinion, from what I know of him, but I don't know much)

Does he do that on other occasion?
For example you go out with his friends and when you get a compliment, like:"You look fit, are you working out?" He jump in an answer for you with something like:"She doesn't work out that hard"

Is he older than you?

Is he considered rich?

Actually, he never puts me down - he just says, you're perfect the way you are - which annoys me b/c i don't believe that and i just wish he'd be more supportive of me at the gym, kinda like wow, you're doing amazing getting up so early and eating perfectly day after day (in a perfect world - he'd say that )

Is he older than me - yes, by 12 yrs.
But I like older men, turn me on more.

Is he considered rich? - Yes. But I like successful people, b/c they have determination and goals and that's what I aspire to be and do

 

[velvett]

Actually, I got an idea. Next time he's going on about the gym, tell him your really too tired from working out to listen to all that crap. In fact, tell him to shut up and go make you a sandwich because you need the protein. You can also tell him that if he behaves himself, you'll let him lick your pussy later.


j/k

OMG!


Brilliant.

 

[velvett]

Is he older than me - yes, by 12 yrs.
But I like older men, turn me on more.

Same age as my beau.

Five years off turning 40 - he may just be worried that you'll get board with him, think he is an old fart and find someone in his 20's to be more interesting.

 

[Quadsweeps Sister]

Well, he could just not be interested in working out and really does think you look fine & is satisfied with how you look......or.....he could feel threatened that you will look better & attract other men, thus dumping him in the process or is threatened that you found an interest away from him.....or neither....QUOTE]


I think you hit it on the head, he's always worried men are going to hit on me. It's kinda frusturating, b/c i'm always like are you crazy, they never talk to me - why would they start now, but he insists that they will....

he says he doesn't have time to go to the gym, and he has definitely put on 10lbs in the past 10 months at least in his belly....and i know he knows it.

Wow - i can't believe this topic came up. My friend and i were talking about it the other day. In training clients and just knowing people at the gym - lives are ultimately changed by "changing" ones body. I can't say how many people i've known in relationships & marriages who join a gym and then a year passes and they aren't together anymore. When a person's self-esteem rises because they feel/look better, they are often able to get out of a situation they were willing to accept previously. Personally i have always tried to date people who were into some form of fitness because it has been such a big part of my life. I do hope everything works out for you. I also hope feelings of bitterness & resentment do not enter your mind as you get healthier and he does not - but they may, so be prepared for that. Being physically attracted to your partner is a large part of a relationship - you have to in some way find that person beautiful no matter what makes them appear that way to you.

 

[vinylgroover]

In training clients and just knowing people at the gym - lives are ultimately changed by "changing" ones body. I can't say how many people i've known in relationships & marriages who join a gym and then a year passes and they aren't together anymore. When a person's self-esteem rises because they feel/look better, they are often able to get out of a situation they were willing to accept previously. .

That's a pretty shallow excuse for ending a relationship/marriage. Hey, i'm buffed now so i'm moving on to something better.

As far as Power princess' problem goes, you need to work out whether you really want a partner who is jealous of you. Jealousy is one of the most unproductive and dangerous of emotions. And don't give me the crap about how well he treats you and that he's a good person and all that other shit that women come up with. Good people don't get jealous of their partners, they trust them, support them and encourage them.

I would never be with anyone who even had a tiny hint of jealousy.

 

[T&T]

Actually, he never puts me down - he just says, you're perfect the way you are - which annoys me b/c i don't believe that and i just wish he'd be more supportive of me at the gym, kinda like wow, you're doing amazing getting up so early and eating perfectly day after day (in a perfect world - he'd say that )

I pesonnally don't take it as a compliment here, I'm reffering to the "you're perfect the way you are" comment, he should always support you!

You can PM pictures of you, to persons on the board you trust the most they will tell you if your making progress or not. (Not the same, but still encouraging)

Is he older than me - yes, by 12 yrs.
But I like older men, turn me on more.

Is he considered rich? - Yes. But I like successful people, b/c they have determination and goals and that's what I aspire to be and do

I was just wondering if he was using you as a trophy. I don't know enough to really tell, but I think not if he doesn't put you down in front of others.

P.S. I'm gonna kick your ass!!! if you decide to listen to him and quit working out.

Do what YOU like to do it's as simple as that.

 

[T&T]

I think that men and women need time to themselves and can choose what they wish to do during those time without outside judgement.

If he doesn't respect your desire to spend time working out he doesn't respect you.

Something to sit sit down and discuss rationally as he just might not see the importance as you do.

Wise words!

I love you

 

[FitFossil]

... Good people don't get jealous of their partners, they trust them, support them and encourage them...

TRUE TRUE TRUE! Not only for partners but friends as well.

 

[Fantômas]

That's a pretty shallow excuse for ending a relationship/marriage. Hey, i'm buffed now so i'm moving on to something better.

I don't think that's what she was saying at all. It's more that when one is fat and lazy and unhappy with him/herself, they will be more likely to "put up" with someone's shit because they value themselves less than they ought to. As they start to take pride in themselves (physically and mentally- we all know they evolve together) and realize some self worth, they won't take someone putting them down, or making things difficult or that they simply have very different life goals now. That's not shallow at all. That's self respect. That's how I read that anyway...

 

[Daisy_Girl]

That's a pretty shallow excuse for ending a relationship/marriage. Hey, i'm buffed now so i'm moving on to something better.

As far as Power princess' problem goes, you need to work out whether you really want a partner who is jealous of you. Jealousy is one of the most unproductive and dangerous of emotions. And don't give me the crap about how well he treats you and that he's a good person and all that other shit that women come up with. Good people don't get jealous of their partners, they trust them, support them and encourage them.

I would never be with anyone who even had a tiny hint of jealousy.

I don't think being buff is reason they end a marriage. I think we can all relate to the increased self esteem that comes with being in shape and/or doing something good for yourself. Sometimes it takes that increased self esteem to leave a relationship that is not working. I doubt it is totally happy couples that do this - usually there are deeper problems within the marriage.

Think of an abused women (physical or emotional). In that relationship she has no self esteeem, feels worthless. If she were to increase her self esteem, then maybe she would have the courage to leave him. A little watered down, but the point remains the same. It could be two people holding onto each other because they don't think anyone else could love them or accept them. Their self esteem increases through going to the gym, and all of a sudden they realize they are important and won't stay in a marriage of convenience or something.

 

[PBR]

QS, fant , Daisy...very valid points...ones that I have seen as my earlier post expressed...this is a very true phenomenon...I ve seen plastic surgery take more relationships down the road to despair than working out and and revamping ones body, for the exact same reasons...tho IMO, if that were to cause a relationship to break-up, then it was hanging by a thread in the first place...there is a false sense of security that can accompany dramatic physique changes...however-accomplshing something and having control over ones body- can be a life changing experience....the trick is knowing the difference, and what the intent was, behind the motivation....

 

[PBR]

I think that men and women need time to themselves and can choose what they wish to do during those time without outside judgement.

If he doesn't respect your desire to spend time working out he doesn't respect you.

Something to sit sit down and discuss rationally as he just might not see the importance as you do.

Velvett....Iam with you 100% with "your time
to yourselves" statement....

 

[wend]

Good people don't get jealous of their partners, they trust them, support them and encourage them.

I would never be with anyone who even had a tiny hint of jealousy.

Being jealous doesn't make someone bad. It makes them human.

I have to deal with being jealous myself...thanks to the fact that my father was a philanderer. It's just one of my issues. No matter how faithful Maj has been, I still get suspicious now and then.

But it's what one chooses to do with that suspicion that determines whether or not it's going to undermine a relationship. I can accuse him of doing the things I suspect, or I can confess that I'm feeling suspicious, and let him reassure me. (And he's very good at making me feel better, believe me!) In the end, I trust him and support and encourage him, but that doesn't mean that I never feel jealous. I think you need to watch your generalizations!

 

[poopmonkey]

Give him my number, he sounds okay to me!

 

[winny100]

talk to him not the board

 

[chvl67]

That's a pretty shallow excuse for ending a relationship/marriage. Hey, i'm buffed now so i'm moving on to something better.
QUOTE]

Yeah, most ordinary, non-fitness folks would say that not wanting to be with someone because they are out of shape is shallow. (Or in this case, conversely, once you get in shape, and the other person isn't.)
But my opinion is that fitness in and of itself is all about self-esteem. You care enough about yourself and your body to treat it right, and make it look good. Why shouldn't I expect the same quality in my mate?

Personally i have always tried to date people who were into some form of fitness because it has been such a big part of my life.

 

[vinylgroover]

Being jealous doesn't make someone bad. It makes them human.

I have to deal with being jealous myself...thanks to the fact that my father was a philanderer. It's just one of my issues. No matter how faithful Maj has been, I still get suspicious now and then.

But it's what one chooses to do with that suspicion that determines whether or not it's going to undermine a relationship. I can accuse him of doing the things I suspect, or I can confess that I'm feeling suspicious, and let him reassure me. (And he's very good at making me feel better, believe me!) In the end, I trust him and support and encourage him, but that doesn't mean that I never feel jealous. I think you need to watch your generalizations!

I stand by my original quote.

Jealousy will kill any relationship longer term.

If i had to re-assure my partner every time she had mis-placed 'feelings of suspicion' she wouldn't last long as my partner. That's fine for you to want 're-assurance' but how do you think he feels. Not real fair is it.

 

[Daisy_Girl]

If i had to re-assure my partner every time she had mis-placed 'feelings of suspicion' she wouldn't last long as my partner. That's fine for you to want 're-assurance' but how do you think he feels. Not real fair is it.

I can totally see why you feel the way you do, but not every male feels that way. Wend's partner may NOT have a problem with giving reassurance...just because YOU can't deal with jealous feelings doesn't mean others can't deal. We are all different and can put up with different things. We all have different expectations of ourselves and of our partners.

 

[wend]

Thanks, Daisy.

Vinyl, we've been married for a long time (a few years more than ten), and our relationship has only gotten stronger. The fact that I can share my feelings with him is part of that strength. The fact that he can reassure me without getting defensive or feeling hurt is also part of that strength.

No feeling, jealousy or whatever, can "kill" a relationship, if both partners are committed to keeping it alive.

 

[Daisy_Girl]

The fact that I can share my feelings with him is part of that strength. The fact that he can reassure me without getting defensive or feeling hurt is also part of that strength.

No feeling, jealousy or whatever, can "kill" a relationship, if both partners are committed to keeping it alive.

That is actually an excellent point. It's the SHARING (or lack thereof) that makes or kills a relationship. If you cannot share your feelings with your partner, then that is when the relationship is dead in the water. Being with someone means you have to totally accept who they are...the good and the bad. If you cannot do this then you are with the wrong person. A lasting relationship is built on growing together as a couple, and acceptance...and yes, compromise.

None of us are perfect (well, accept me, lol ) so who are you to demand perfection from a mate when you yourself are not perfect?

 

[majutsu]

One of the things I noticed, especially on this board, is people's willingness to argue vociferously about things like incline presses. This happens because of people's absolute unwillingness to consider other people's goals and priorities (say for fitness, assuming everyone has the same exact goals as they). Vinylgroover, what I want in a relationship is someone to love me, kiss me, share my dreams and values, and be faithful. This is what I value. It does not seem that important to me that if it's 8pm I'm coming home from work, get a flat, and arrive home 5 hours later than usual, if Wend then asks, with some trepidation, where I was. This may happen once every four months. I explain, it's over. Many partners/friends I have do screw around and destroy their families, so it's not an illogical worry on Wend's part, and I ask her the same questions when she's gone unexplained for hours. Neither of these scenarios happens but a few times a year. Without any hostility or consequence to the questions, I don't see it as important. And it usually provides a segue to talk about our relationship, which is always good. So, it is not a big priority to me that my woman absolutely, never suspect infidelity. That seems unrealistic and controlling to me. I would have a far harder time living with a woman who didn't share my dreams or politics or values than I would with a woman who three times a year asks where I spent the last 8 hours. Since you like to play armchair psychologist so much vinylgroover, ask yourself this, why do you value apparent freedom so much? When relationships are about loyalty and fidelity, and communication, committment and accountability are part of that in reality, why is it so important to you to appear unattached? And while you may break up with a woman who asks you one question as to your whereabouts, if you succeed in forbiding her from speaking her mind and fears, it doesn't mean she doesn't still have these ideas in her head. From my point of view, you are deliberately creating a communication problem to avoid appearing like you are in a normal, committed relationship -- constructing a silly facade of total freedom "Yeah baby"[ala Austin Powers] Good thread, good conversation, and interesting discussion all around though, Thanks.

 

[Griz1]

Why don't you just switch to a "women's gym" and then he can be satisfied that guys aren't going to hump you when you're not paying attention, and you get to work out all you want?

Why don't you guys work out together then he can "babysit" you (in his mind) and then he can just shut the fuck up?

Or, you could just spend the next two years eating twinkies and get supremely overweight til he begs you to go to the gym?

Seriously, I think this issue runs deeper in your relationship than just working out at the gym. If he can't trust you, that's his problem isn't it?