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GoldenDelicious
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heres the writeup i did on it. some fucked up shit right there
You know what I love most about being a DJ? Its when the girls all scream when you put on a good song. That just doesn't happen when youre a pharmacist. In a pharmacy, you only get to hear screaming when theres an armed robbery, or if one of those dickhead grandmas doesn't turn on her hearing aid and you have to tell her where to put the vaginal fungus cream applicator at full volume. "Mrs Jenkins, be careful to warm up the cream in the palm of your hand, because sometimes its cold." "What? Did you just call me OLD?" "No, I said the cream is COLD!" "why does it matter how old I am?" "COLD! I SAID COLD! THE CREAM IS COLD! Like ICE!" "Lice? I DON'T HAVE LICE!"
Grandmas, man. They make you so mad sometimes. You just want to stomp their cute little faces in.
Anyway, being a DJ isn't all screaming girls and free beer. Sometimes, its screaming Golden instead.
So picture this – its 2am on a Sunday night, theres a full moon, and theres heaps of grey clouds – the sky is lit with that spooky dark blue light like in all the movies where they play creepy music and everyone gets trapped by some psycho or something. Im driving through the mountains, and because the wedding I DJed at was so damn far away, I got lost, took a wrong turn, and all of a sudden im going back to Adelaide via the Scenic Route through some national park I cant even pronounce on this really bloody bendy road. I havn't seen another person in about 20 minutes. My car is worth about a dollar fifty, the headlights are starting to go dim, and Im low on fuel. In other words, it was a pretty dangerous situation. I even think I heard a wolf howl or something.
OK so maybe Im bullshitting about the wolf, but you never know. There might have been a wolf. But one thing im 100% certain about is that it was a fucking dangerous situation.
You know how I knew it was a dangerous situation? Because the Spice Girls were playing in my ipod. Ever since nearly dying in my Landcruiser when the wheel fell off the trailer, Ive learned that hearing the sweet angelic voices of those 4 retards means that something Very Fucking Bad was about to go down.
So I come up to a particularly tight bend in the road, and I take the car out of gear and just let it roll slowly around the bend - and then my Spider Sense told me that something was wrong. Someone else was there. I felt someone, or something, looking at me. And then, on the side of the road, I saw something alive, something standing very still…something with demonic pupils focused in my direction, with evil fucking yellow eyes straight out of the Thriller videoclip looking at my cute little white car like it was a sweet little lamb prancing through the valley of darkness, with an even cuter Just George riding inside it with his gay headphones with the spice girls blaring…and in that fucked up spooky moonlight, I saw two giant, dark brown dogs!! - and promptly fucking shat myself – these weren't normal dogs. They looked all unnatural, like…something was wrong with them. Their heads were too big to be normal dogs, and they were just fucking huuuuge, and all the wrong shape, like big fucking FrankenDogs, full of anabolic steroids and the pure spirit of Satan or something.
Anyway my fellow myspacians, Im not afraid to admit that a shiver of fear crept up my spine, all the way up from my freshly pooped underpants to the back of my neck, where hairs were standing up – like it was slow motion, my headlights crept up and shone on the fucking Devil Dogs from Hell!!!!! and, just about to pass out from fear, I saw…
…two scared, fluffy sheep looking at me. Sheep. FUCKING SHEEP.
If I had a gun, or even just a big knife I would have killed those 2 mofos and had, like, a giant spit roast when I got home, just to take revenge on them for spoiling my jocks.
…except they were Devil Sheep and would probably have drank my soul or something.
Bastards.
Yeah.
You know what I love most about being a DJ? Its when the girls all scream when you put on a good song. That just doesn't happen when youre a pharmacist. In a pharmacy, you only get to hear screaming when theres an armed robbery, or if one of those dickhead grandmas doesn't turn on her hearing aid and you have to tell her where to put the vaginal fungus cream applicator at full volume. "Mrs Jenkins, be careful to warm up the cream in the palm of your hand, because sometimes its cold." "What? Did you just call me OLD?" "No, I said the cream is COLD!" "why does it matter how old I am?" "COLD! I SAID COLD! THE CREAM IS COLD! Like ICE!" "Lice? I DON'T HAVE LICE!"
Grandmas, man. They make you so mad sometimes. You just want to stomp their cute little faces in.
Anyway, being a DJ isn't all screaming girls and free beer. Sometimes, its screaming Golden instead.
So picture this – its 2am on a Sunday night, theres a full moon, and theres heaps of grey clouds – the sky is lit with that spooky dark blue light like in all the movies where they play creepy music and everyone gets trapped by some psycho or something. Im driving through the mountains, and because the wedding I DJed at was so damn far away, I got lost, took a wrong turn, and all of a sudden im going back to Adelaide via the Scenic Route through some national park I cant even pronounce on this really bloody bendy road. I havn't seen another person in about 20 minutes. My car is worth about a dollar fifty, the headlights are starting to go dim, and Im low on fuel. In other words, it was a pretty dangerous situation. I even think I heard a wolf howl or something.
OK so maybe Im bullshitting about the wolf, but you never know. There might have been a wolf. But one thing im 100% certain about is that it was a fucking dangerous situation.
You know how I knew it was a dangerous situation? Because the Spice Girls were playing in my ipod. Ever since nearly dying in my Landcruiser when the wheel fell off the trailer, Ive learned that hearing the sweet angelic voices of those 4 retards means that something Very Fucking Bad was about to go down.
So I come up to a particularly tight bend in the road, and I take the car out of gear and just let it roll slowly around the bend - and then my Spider Sense told me that something was wrong. Someone else was there. I felt someone, or something, looking at me. And then, on the side of the road, I saw something alive, something standing very still…something with demonic pupils focused in my direction, with evil fucking yellow eyes straight out of the Thriller videoclip looking at my cute little white car like it was a sweet little lamb prancing through the valley of darkness, with an even cuter Just George riding inside it with his gay headphones with the spice girls blaring…and in that fucked up spooky moonlight, I saw two giant, dark brown dogs!! - and promptly fucking shat myself – these weren't normal dogs. They looked all unnatural, like…something was wrong with them. Their heads were too big to be normal dogs, and they were just fucking huuuuge, and all the wrong shape, like big fucking FrankenDogs, full of anabolic steroids and the pure spirit of Satan or something.
Anyway my fellow myspacians, Im not afraid to admit that a shiver of fear crept up my spine, all the way up from my freshly pooped underpants to the back of my neck, where hairs were standing up – like it was slow motion, my headlights crept up and shone on the fucking Devil Dogs from Hell!!!!! and, just about to pass out from fear, I saw…
…two scared, fluffy sheep looking at me. Sheep. FUCKING SHEEP.
If I had a gun, or even just a big knife I would have killed those 2 mofos and had, like, a giant spit roast when I got home, just to take revenge on them for spoiling my jocks.
…except they were Devil Sheep and would probably have drank my soul or something.
Bastards.
Yeah.
