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javaguru
Banned
Since we had the original re-post thread last night;
*Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a frickin' Indian.
*In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records
it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those
listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
*Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his
foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
*Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the heck down.
*Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and
could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
*The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck
Norris out. It failed miserably.
*Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of
northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
*Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72...and
they're all poisonous.
*If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
*Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
*The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
*Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe,
with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth
ingredient: Fear.
*Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
*There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
*Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes making out with his waitress.
*In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be
Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a
game of tennis.
*Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a
suicide.
*Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and
the butter comes straight out.
*Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
*A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.
*Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be
the Magnolia.
*Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a
plane and punched the ground.
*Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him
to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris
replied, "That's no glitch."
*Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will
mess you up.
*The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based
on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
*Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger,
by yelling, "Bang!"
*Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the
earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a
temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it
was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
*Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
*Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
*Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
Chucktatorship.
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris
once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle
was six feet tall and had learned karate.
*Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds
back into coal.
*4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to
most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal
deaths.
*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris.
*Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive...
able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes,
these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
*Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how
quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
*Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Marbles 'N' Gravel.
*The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization
4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined
nations of the world in one turn.
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.
*Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a frickin' Indian.
*In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records
it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those
listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
*Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his
foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia
Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
*Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the heck down.
*Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and
could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
*The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck
Norris out. It failed miserably.
*Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of
northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
*Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72...and
they're all poisonous.
*If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
*Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
*The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
*Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe,
with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth
ingredient: Fear.
*Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
*There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck
Norris allows to live.
*Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent
the first 45 minutes making out with his waitress.
*In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be
Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a
game of tennis.
*Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a
suicide.
*Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and
the butter comes straight out.
*Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
*A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.
*Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be
the Magnolia.
*Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a
plane and punched the ground.
*Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him
to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris
replied, "That's no glitch."
*Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will
mess you up.
*The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based
on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
*Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger,
by yelling, "Bang!"
*Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the
earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a
temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it
was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
*Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
*Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
*Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a
Chucktatorship.
*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris
once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle
was six feet tall and had learned karate.
*Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds
back into coal.
*4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to
most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal
deaths.
*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris.
*Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive...
able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes,
these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
*Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg
uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how
quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
*Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Marbles 'N' Gravel.
*The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization
4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined
nations of the world in one turn.
*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.
