/A funny/

[velvett]

So Mrs. Jones comes into the pharmacy, red-faced and angry, and asks her pharmacist where he keeps the arsenic...

He asks her, "What the hell do you want arsenic for, Jane?"...

She replies, "Bob, I want to kill my frickn' husband!!"...

He says, "Oh come on, Jane, you know I can't do that."...

So,she reaches into her purse and hands the pharmacist a Polaroid of her husband in bed, banging the shit out of the pharmacist's wife...

He takes a long long look at the pic and says, "Well, shit, Jane, you didn't tell me you had a prescription for it!!"...

 

[juiceddreadlocks]

So Mrs. Jones comes into the pharmacy, red-faced and angry, and asks her pharmacist where he keeps the arsenic...

He asks her, "What the hell do you want arsenic for, Jane?"...

She replies, "Bob, I want to kill my frickn' husband!!"...

He says, "Oh come on, Jane, you know I can't do that."...

So,she reaches into her purse and hands the pharmacist a Polaroid of her husband in bed, banging the shit out of the pharmacist's wife...

He takes a long long look at the pic and says, "Well, shit, Jane, you didn't tell me you had a prescription for it!!"...

 

[Code]

Niiice.

 

[kronk]

LOL

 

[WODIN]

Thanks. I needed that.

A lawyer who works in Seattle gets a call about an emergency which requires him to immediately fly out of the state for a short period of time. He has no time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going. The maid answers the call, but is quite hesitant about putting his wife on the phone.

After quite a bit of interrogation, she admits that the wife is upstairs in bed with the mailman! The lawyer is furious, and wants to rush right home, but of course there is the emergency of which he must take care.

So, he tells the maid to go and get the gun from the desk drawer and kill both his wife and the mailman.

She protests! The lawyer explains that under Washington State law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it.

She puts down the phone, and soon the lawyer hears a scream, the sound of two gun shots, some loud thumps and finally, two splashes.

The maid comes back to the phone. The lawyer asks, "Did you kill them?"

"Yes," she replies.

The lawyer questions her again, "What did you do with the bodies?"

"I threw them in the pool," she responds.

There is a brief pause from the lawyer. He asks her, "Did you say the POOL?"

"Yes! I threw them in the pool!" she says.

"Uh, is this 555-8234?"

 

[juiceddreadlocks]

what a second velveeta. since when can you get a prescription for arsenic?

So Mrs. Jones comes into the pharmacy, red-faced and angry, and asks her pharmacist where he keeps the arsenic...

He asks her, "What the hell do you want arsenic for, Jane?"...

She replies, "Bob, I want to kill my frickn' husband!!"...

He says, "Oh come on, Jane, you know I can't do that."...

So,she reaches into her purse and hands the pharmacist a Polaroid of her husband in bed, banging the shit out of the pharmacist's wife...

He takes a long long look at the pic and says, "Well, shit, Jane, you didn't tell me you had a prescription for it!!"...

 

[big4life]

husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

The husband replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Fine," she says. "Then could you at least
fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I"m not a damn carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this! I'm going to the bar."

So he goes to the bar, has a few drinks, and starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife. So he decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are fixed. Inside, the hall light is working and the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

His wife said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

"So what kind of cake did you bake him"? asked her husband.

"Hello! Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

 

[from zero]

lol, nice.

An alligator walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, "gimme a drink."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve alligators."

The gator angrily replies, "If you don't serve me, I will eat someone in this bar."

Bartender replies, "Go ahead."

The gator walks to the end of the bar, swallows a lady, and comes back. "Now, give me a drink."

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve drug addicts."

The gator asks, confused, "What are you talking about? I'm not a drug addict."

The bartender replies, "Oh? What about that 'bar bitch you ate?'"

 

[fistfullofsteel]

show us your boobies.

 

[biteme]

That's very funny, Velvett.

 

[F117A Active Stealth]

...So a guy walks into a bar and notices a midget playing the piano. Now the midget is playing real good, and the guy is impressed.

So he sits down and orders a drink. When the bartender comes over, the guy asks him "Hey buddy, where did you get that midget, the little dude is amazing!!"

The bartender goes "You'd never believe me if I told you". The guy goes "Come on, you can tell me!"

So the bartender pulls out this old lamp and goes "This is how, this my friend, is a magic lamp, make a wish, but I warn you that you will not get exactly what you wished for..."

The guy of course didn't believe, but figured he'd do it for the hell of it. So he grabs the lamp and rubs it a few times and makes a wish "I wish for a million bucks!!!"

All of a sudden a million ducks come flying thru the window and out the other. The guy was astonished at first, but then he realized that that was not what he wished for. So he goes "What the hell? I wished for a million bucks! not a million ducks!!"

The bartender goes "You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist??"

 

[F117A Active Stealth]

Nobody liked my joke? :sad:

 

[biteme]

Nobody liked my joke? :sad:

Sorry, I just click on the Thread and see Velvett and get sidetracked.

 

[sinjinsmythe33]

good joke. funny ha ha

 

[gonelifting]

Nobody liked my joke? :sad:

They`re all pretty good so far. I`m just reading and enjoying. lol


I don`t write as well as you guys but please bare with me. It`s old but I like it.

Two hillbilly guys sitting on their porch on rocking chairs. A beautiful lady walks up to them "can you help me? My car broke down and the mechanic does`nt open untill tomorrow".

They say "OK you can sleep here for the night and get your car fixed in the morning"

That night they tell the woman "OH wait, If you stay here you have to sleep in the same bed with us"

woman "OH OK"

Two guys "If you sleep in the same bed with us you have to have sex with us".

Woman "OK, I will but you have to wear these" and she takes out 2 condoms.

2 guys "What are these?"

Woman "Condoms, You wear them so I don`t get pregnant. You don`t want me to get pregnant, Do you?"

2 guys "NO NO NO"

They put on the condoms and have a grand old time. They have great sex and everybody was happy.

The next day the lady got her car fixed at the mechanics shop and left.

Two weeks later. The two guys are sitting in their rocking chairs on their porch. One guy goes to the other "Remember that lady that came by a couple of weeks ago...? "Yes".

"Do you care if she ever got pregnant?"

The other guy looks at him and says "No not really, Do YOU care if she ever got pregnant?"

The first guy say "NO not really"

"SO WHY DON`T WE TAKE THESE DAMN CONDOMS OFF ALREADY"

 

[F117A Active Stealth]

LOL yes I've seen that one before, good stuff!!

 

[presguy]

lolololol