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liquidmuscle
Well-known member
i just thought i would share this w/you guys
THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,
where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man
threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside
and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been! demanded his wife when he entered the house?
Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep
and didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m. The wife glanced down at his
shoes and said, You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally
became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy
nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he
could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
Have you been fooling around on me?
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, Not this time!
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off the be buried or
cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about
to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!
I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz said the mortician, but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like
this. It has to be saved for posterity. With that, the mortician
used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his
prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. I have something to
show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened up his
briefcase. Oh my God! she screamed. Schwartz is dead!
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer. Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent. ONE CENT? exclaimed
the man. The barman replied Yes. So the man glances over at the
menu and asks, Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries,
peas and a fried egg?
Certainly, Sir replies the barman, but that comes to real money.
How much money? Inquires the man. 4 cents he replied.
FOUR CENTS? exclaims the man.. Where's the guy who owns this place?
The barman replies, Upstairs, with my wife. The man says, What's
he doing upstairs with your wife? The bartender replies, The same
thing I'm doing to his business!
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down
her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up,
and his pale lips began to move slightly. Becky, my darling, he
whispered.
Hush, my love, she said. Rest, don't talk. He was insistent.
Becky, he said in his tired voice. I have something that I must
confess.
There isn't anything to confess, replied the weeping Becky,
everything's all right, go to sleep. No, no, I must die in peace,
Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your mother!
I know, whispered Becky, that's why I poisoned you.
THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house,
where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the
wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. As the man
threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside
and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she
nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been! demanded his wife when he entered the house?
Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep
and didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m. The wife glanced down at his
shoes and said, You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally
became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy
nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he
could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
Have you been fooling around on me?
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, Not this time!
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off the be buried or
cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about
to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!
I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz said the mortician, but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like
this. It has to be saved for posterity. With that, the mortician
used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his
prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. I have something to
show you that you won't believe, he said, and opened up his
briefcase. Oh my God! she screamed. Schwartz is dead!
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer. Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent. ONE CENT? exclaimed
the man. The barman replied Yes. So the man glances over at the
menu and asks, Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries,
peas and a fried egg?
Certainly, Sir replies the barman, but that comes to real money.
How much money? Inquires the man. 4 cents he replied.
FOUR CENTS? exclaims the man.. Where's the guy who owns this place?
The barman replies, Upstairs, with my wife. The man says, What's
he doing upstairs with your wife? The bartender replies, The same
thing I'm doing to his business!
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down
her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up,
and his pale lips began to move slightly. Becky, my darling, he
whispered.
Hush, my love, she said. Rest, don't talk. He was insistent.
Becky, he said in his tired voice. I have something that I must
confess.
There isn't anything to confess, replied the weeping Becky,
everything's all right, go to sleep. No, no, I must die in peace,
Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your mother!
I know, whispered Becky, that's why I poisoned you.
