How do you keep going when a family member dies?

[sarita]

I recently had a family member die. I was very involved with her care for about 10 years now. She died on wednesday, I am glad she is at peace, it was not easy for her at the end, but I miss her alot. My husband has been supportive.
I am trying to keep active to avoid feeling down. The first few days were OK, but now after her funeral I feel so drained. I am making sure to get extra sleep. Today when lifting- I just couldn't focus or get in the zone. I feel so blah and spacey/fuzzy.
I have never suffered such a personal loss as this. After the funeral the whole family got together for lunch, I ate and ate even after I was full. My diet had been very good before, but I feel like stress eating. I've been trying to be mindful of this because I know I will feel like crap if I dont eat clean. I have 2 appointments with my trainer this week, I hope I'll be able to keep up.
Can any one guide me as to how to keep it up in the gym, I dont want to let myself go. How do you keep going and stay motivated after something like this? Thanks for you help. Sarita.

 

[Sassy69]

I'm so sorry for your loss Sarita. But its part of what makes life "life". There is a physical and emotional rebound that happens when you are stressed like you are -- you do need to allow yourself the time to mourn. But you may also find that you feel better if you let off some steam in the gym. Try to direct your energy SOMEWHERE. Whatever it is - a walk, go to the beach, the lake, out along a trail, maybe just to give yourself private time to think about all the good times. But don't turn it into somethigin that makes you feel even more lousy because you "let yourself go" -- make your time an 'active recovery' -- use it, even if you have to force yourself. Sometimes the times that make us want the most to just close off everyone else & stay inside our minds is the time to actually lean on other people, let other people in and let yourself be friendly to others instead of focusing on yourself & the emotions around your loss. (Not saying you are beign selfish - but rather use this time to completely open up & let others in -- it takes the edge off when it is so tempting to get pulled into your own personal emotions.

Dont' know if that helps - but you will also find that either way, time heals and partly you are just needing to get used to the lack of that familiar face around you and fall back on the good memories because the people we love are always with us regardless of where they are.

 

[sarita]

I'm so sorry for your loss Sarita. But its part of what makes life "life". There is a physical and emotional rebound that happens when you are stressed like you are -- you do need to allow yourself the time to mourn. But you may also find that you feel better if you let off some steam in the gym. Try to direct your energy SOMEWHERE. Whatever it is - a walk, go to the beach, the lake, out along a trail, maybe just to give yourself private time to think about all the good times. But don't turn it into somethigin that makes you feel even more lousy because you "let yourself go" -- make your time an 'active recovery' -- use it, even if you have to force yourself. Sometimes the times that make us want the most to just close off everyone else & stay inside our minds is the time to actually lean on other people, let other people in and let yourself be friendly to others instead of focusing on yourself & the emotions around your loss. (Not saying you are beign selfish - but rather use this time to completely open up & let others in -- it takes the edge off when it is so tempting to get pulled into your own personal emotions.

Dont' know if that helps - but you will also find that either way, time heals and partly you are just needing to get used to the lack of that familiar face around you and fall back on the good memories because the people we love are always with us regardless of where they are.

Thank you Sassy, your kind words mean alot. That is a good idea to make it an 'active recovery'- I'm going to try to keep that in mind. I was considering taking my dog to obedience lessons, I never had time to before because taking care of her took alot of time. I hear what your saying about letting others in, I have had trouble with that I think because I felt so commited to giving her all of my efforts/ care, and I was tired. I hadnt had much time to develop my other relationships, which I think is important now. Thanks again.

 

[jenscats5]

Sarita - I'm SO very sorry for your loss......I lost both of my parents before I was 30 and their death inspired me to get out there & work out, etc......maybe you could think of something via your fitness lifestyle that would help you connect with her?? Or a location where you could feel closer to her?? Say, a walk thru the woods where you could take a moment in a special place & meditate briefly - it may help you still feel that connection.....

And maybe, like Sassy said - try & let off some steam in the gym - maybe in a new way - like a cardio kickboxing class where you get to hit something - it may be therapeutic to take out your myriad of emotions on something.....You're bound to feel so many emotions - and that's OK......

{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}

 

[treilin]

O.k. this may sound a bit off from what you specifically are dealing with..... but I can relate to this in some aspect when my best friend (dog) died. It was the worst feeling in the world. You will hit different phases of the mourning cycle. Sometimes when you go to say something or you go to do something for them.. they aren't there. Then emotions start spinning. You have to let yourself cry when you need to cry, but most importantly go on with life with a smile on your face. Would this person want to see you all upset and miserable because of their passing? The best thing to do is keep the memories close to heart, smile and laugh at the good times, and remember every person/animal/being is put into our life for reasons. Figure out what the lesson is in all of this. What did this person teach you that you hadn't known before? What did they do to help make you who you are today? Figure out what blessings this person blessed you with, and pass those onto someone else so that their legacy can continue on and you will play a role in doing that. Working backwards in your own life is no way to move forwards. It's just going to take you that much longer to not only retrace your footsteps forward but then to continue on after that. This is the time to do those things that you always dreamed about but never really had that chance. Look at the doors now open and start walking forward trying out different places until one or two seem to feel right. Who knows where that can lead you on down the road. In the end it's the feeling the person left you with, it's the fond memories, the gentle touch, the smiles and laughter, the stories told... That is what you can pass on... Then people can pass on your legacy as one of a grand endeaver at life. You can't stop... you have to keep moving forward building people up and making the most out of what you are given

 

[sarita]

Jenscats5, &Treilin, thank you. You're right, she would not want me to be miserable because of her passing. I've got to keep moving forward. I feel less guilty about it now, knowing that it is a healthy thing to do. I have some one who is going to teach me how to garden so that I may be able to maintain her flowers, it was one of her passions, and I think that I could be able to connect with her through that. She also instilled in me her traits to be physically active and work tirelessly, so she would want me to keep on going and not to stop now.

 

[Gymgurl]

Sarita....So sorry about your loss...everyone deals with death on their own time frame...take care of yourself...It hasn't been that long ...so just do waht you have to do to take care of you...start with walking...or something peaceful....You'll get there..just on your own time!

 

[T-Cake]

Hi Sarita -- again, so sorry to hear about your loss and how difficult it's been on you. I just wanted to second what all the other ladies here have been saying, and I thought I would share what my father said to me when my grandma passed away back in January. She had been sick for a long long time and my mom went through at least 4 years of taking care of grandma in her free time, and since my mom is single -- it really affected me and my stress level too because I heard all the venting.

But, like you said, your loved one is at peace now -- and my dad said to feel even better knowing you now have a Guardian Angel that's watching to make sure all that good karma comes back to you. You more than likely made a world of difference to this person. I'm sure it would make them proud to see you live your life to the fullest.

I know from my grandma's funeral -- all I heard were stories of what she did, where she went, endeavors of her and my grandpa's travels and business lives... and it truly truly motivated ME to think about how *I* can create stories like that about my OWN life. With that -- I started training seriously, did a hard reality check of what *I* wanted, and now I'm living life like the adventure I've always wanted. My grandma will take care of me, I know, just like your loved one will take care of you.

Hope that helps. God Bless.

 

[jenscats5]

Jenscats5, &Treilin, thank you. You're right, she would not want me to be miserable because of her passing. I've got to keep moving forward. I feel less guilty about it now, knowing that it is a healthy thing to do. I have some one who is going to teach me how to garden so that I may be able to maintain her flowers, it was one of her passions, and I think that I could be able to connect with her through that. She also instilled in me her traits to be physically active and work tirelessly, so she would want me to keep on going and not to stop now.

Oh the flowers sound like a lovely idea!! Maybe even a memorial garden in her honor with a plaque or statue of some sort.....that way you can always go there to "be" with her, tell her how you feel, how much you miss her etc.....I guarantee she will be listening!!

 

[*Bunny*]

Sarita - I just want to send the most positive vibes your way ... Please know if you ever need to vent, cry, get it out, use this as your sounding board if you feel you cannot vocalize it to those closest to you just yet ... my only suggestion is to NOT hold these emotions in ... things can hurt more when they implode & cause greater damage ...