why i wanna be a cop.. pls advise

[Elite_Fry]

Is this an improvment??



Although I’ve wanted to be in the police force for a few years, it wasn’t until about six months when I started seriously considering the job as a hopeful career path. However it now has pretty much become my ideal job.

I want to become an officer of the law because I believe in the ideals that law enforcement is supposed to represent and uphold, which is to protect and serve. Albeit may be small I can make a difference.

Recently I was informed of an incident concerning my family which really gave me a better understanding of a number of problems in our society. Unfortunately as bad as it may sound the police are the only ones who can resolve these problems. Just to extend on what happened, I was unlucky enough to have a relatives life ended because of an unlawful act caused by someone else. So I have experienced crime and can see how it can affect ones life and family. With upholding the law I know I can prevent such things happening to other families and saving the heartache while may occur.

 

[casavant]

Is this an improvment??



Although I’ve wanted to be in the police force for a few years, it wasn’t until about six months when I started seriously considering the job as a hopeful career path. However it now has pretty much become my ideal job.

I want to become an officer of the law because I believe in the ideals that law enforcement is supposed to represent and uphold, which is to protect and serve. Albeit may be small I can make a difference.

Recently I was informed of an incident concerning my family which really gave me a better understanding of a number of problems in our society. Unfortunately as bad as it may sound the police are the only ones who can resolve these problems. Just to extend on what happened, I was unlucky enough to have a relatives life ended because of an unlawful act caused by someone else. So I have experienced crime and can see how it can affect ones life and family. With upholding the law I know I can prevent such things happening to other families and saving the heartache while may occur.

Altough much better than the first one, it's still not a finished product. A couple of suggestions:
1) Do something with paragraph two. It's kind of just hanging there awkwardly.
2) I would leave out things like "pretty much" and "hopeful"- too wishy-washy. Sound more confident.
3) Instead of "extend" use something like "expound", or redo the sentence entirely.
4) Don't begin a sentence with "So"
5) Scratch that last sentence- read it aloud to yourself and you'll see what I'm saying. Here's an example of one that may work a little better: " A career as a police officer would allow me to prevent such things from happening to other families, thus saving them the heartache which may occur."

One more thought- Might the experience with your relative give them the impression that you would take the job too personally?

I can tell you're trying. Keep working at it and you'll get there. Good luck.

 

[Elite_Fry]

with that
heartache while may occur.
i mean
heartache which may occur.

that first one was actually my first draft

 

[havoc]

Manny, thats ridiculous, you're my dawg and all, but thats a bunch of poopity poop. peace homes

 

[casavant]

with that
heartache while may occur.
i mean
heartache which may occur.

that first one was actually my first draft

That's fine. Remember, I'm not knocking your stuff, just offering constructive criticism. It's 7:30 am over here and I'm taking the time to help you.

You're welcome.