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Exercises For The Fat & Lazy
There's no need to make a fool of yourself trying to shape up with our exercises for the fat and lazy.
There are hardly enough hours in the day to do your job, buy your groceries, and watch TV, so how the hell are you supposed to exercise?
And it's even worse if you're fat and lazy. Getting motivated to exercise is obviously a problem, otherwise, you wouldn't be fat and lazy.
Never fear. We've got the answer. This month, we present sure-fire exercise programs that are guaranteed to make you thin, sexy and gorgeous.*
Be realistic. Keep your fingers thin and fit. Spend four hours a day playing Tomb Raider.
Beer contains a lot of calories. Burn them off by running to the fridge.
Lose your sticky-out belly by lying on your back.
Experts say that vigorous sex can burn over 1,500 calories. Watching vigorous sex on porn videos will burn a lot of calories too.
Your skin goes pruney in the bath because all the water seeps out of your skin. Apply this scientific principle to lose weight. Bathe in fat.
Every time you deny your self a Mars Bar, reward yourself with a Snickers.
Remember, there are no calories if the Mars Bar is fun-sized.
If touching your toes is good for you, then touching your shoes must also be good for you, even if the shoes are sitting on your lap.
Get your heart-rate up by listening to a talk-back jock you hate.
Keep your skin young and by placing it in the freezer.
Weight loss can cause wrinkles. Keep yourself younger-looking by adding 5 kilos per year.
You are what you eat. Eat thin people.
Lose weight fast, and move from the car to the shopping mall faster. Chop off your legs and get a disabled sticker.
Exercise while you sleep by dreaming you are flying.
Ever noticed how people weigh less in water? Move to Atlantis.
Pay local children to exercise on your behalf.
Redefine 'normal' to closer to 'you'. Become a serial killer of thin people.
Readers' Exercise Tips
Keep bacon bits (Bacos preferred) in your chip dip to give your jaw muscles a more vigorous workout while crunching.
Joel Bays
Bathing in cold Water gets you to lose weight. So go skinny dipping in Antarctica
Neil Hiatt
To get into doing sit-ups,place the remote between your toes.
Morgan K. Michael
To have great, strong arms, tie a brick to your remote control.
Johnny Casino
Make sure you order 'diet cokes' when you have your 4 large big mac meals for an afternoon snack.
C Hague
Many athletes would agree that training and high performance is 50% mental... so concentrate on that part first.
Whatsisname
Doctors say that laughter is a form of internal exercise. Learn to laugh loud and long at everything - even episodes of "Everyone Loves Raymond"...
Brian Vo
If you suck the cream filling out of a twinkie then you dont get any of the calories.
Mobbster
Break everything you eat in half. All the caloires fall out...then you can feel free to eat all of it.
Also,all food stolen from anothers plate is free of fat.
Angela A Flanagan
If you put in the hard yards, the rewards will pay them back - push the fridge to the couch then lie back and enjoy your beers.
Pod
A Calorie is a quantity unit of heat. To consume less Calories only eat cold food. This is why the ice cream diet really works.
Lizzie
Everyone knows that the calorie content of food is what puts on the weight so spit the calories out.
Jill Hoye
Buy a piece of telemarketing exercise equipment and spend the rest of the week kicking the shit out of the person who sold it to you.
Shannon McErlain
Many people agree that just walking up a few flights of stairs can be great exercise. But who has all that time? To get the same results in less time, go for a few joy rides on the escalator at the shopping mall.
Johnny Casino
When you think about it, you're the one person who never has to see what you look like- so why bother exercising? Lard up, fatboy.
Grover Montage
Check the wrapper of everything you eat for calorific content. If it doesn't state anything, it must be calorie free!
Sarah H
Tie a basketball to the lamp shade with a long piece of string or rope so that it hangs down in front of the TV. Give it a push so it swings side to side. Gravity will eventually make it stop so that it blocks your view again, and you will have to get out of your chair to give it another push, or get a long stick.
Dave Cody
The truly lazy person need not excercise at all! You see large is all a matter of perspective. So, you need to surround yourself with people larger than yourself. And BINGO, you are the skinny one.
Dan H
You burn calories even when you sleep, so just spend lots of time doing that.
Brooke
It doesn't count if it's someone else's chocolate bar.
Brooke
Tired of the usual boring exercise routines? Try these:
Jumping to conclusions,
Making leaps of faith,
Running out of ideas,
Jogging your memory
Faux Fleur
Increased gravity will make the tossing and turning of sleepytime the equal to a day at the gym. You just need to sleep where there is more gravity, like the surface of the Sun.
Robepierre Mullet
Just eat whipped cream; that should whip you into shape.
Christo Joe
Go to filthy public toilets, and squat don't sit. Get those thigh muscles pumped.
Jane
Buy an aerobics video and watch it each day. You may lie on the lounge while watching, but don't get a sore neck.
Jane
Superglue your mouth shut, then only drink soup through your nose... or any other orifice that feels comfortable.
Neale Hitchiner
Strap a black board to your back, then paint all your blubbery bits black. The matching colours will virtually strip you of all your fat, and you will like you've got anorexia!
Neale Hitchiner
Hide the remote control, this will make you:
a) Move the couch closer to the TV, burning lots of calories;
b) Actually get up and down to change the channels, again burning lots of calories; or
c) Give up on TV entirely so that you walk to and from the Pub every night, once more burning lots of calories.
Andrew Kent
Just remember that when you're traveling abroad, just as your currency changes, so does the calorie exchange. For instance, if you're an American in Germany, where a mark is about $.50 to a dollar, you're only getting half the calories you would at home for the same food, so plan your itenerary accordingly.
Courtney Smith
Collect all your food wrappers together, along with anything else that says 'calories', and burn them.
Jump up and down on the ashes for a quick aerobic workout.
Whatsisname
Put the remote control in your pocket and look all over the house for it which will burn off calories. eg: moving the couch, checking every room (works better if you live in a mansion). Also gives your brain a workout, which makes it lighter.
Thing - a - magig
Tie a donut to the back of an office chair. Sit in the chair and look at the donut, envision the donut, believe you can get the donut. GO FOR IT. You will get it eventually and by the time you will have gotten it you will be so sick you will barf up a few pounds. Plus spinning is aerobic.
NCWeber
Make youself feel good about your size by hanging a picture of a beached whale on your wall!
Fat boy slim
Only buy things that are 50% fat. then break them in half and eat the fat free side.
chog the frog
It's all just a state of mind. change your surroundings so there are no mirrors or reflective surfaces around you. out of sight out of mind, after a while you will forget all about your weight problems
chog the frog
It's all about moderation. So only buy medium sized McValue meals, regular sized fries etc. Be carefull of those 30% extra at no extra cost, mars bars. You don't want to go overboard.
mad gorgon
Exercises For The Fat & Lazy
There's no need to make a fool of yourself trying to shape up with our exercises for the fat and lazy.
There are hardly enough hours in the day to do your job, buy your groceries, and watch TV, so how the hell are you supposed to exercise?
And it's even worse if you're fat and lazy. Getting motivated to exercise is obviously a problem, otherwise, you wouldn't be fat and lazy.
Never fear. We've got the answer. This month, we present sure-fire exercise programs that are guaranteed to make you thin, sexy and gorgeous.*
Be realistic. Keep your fingers thin and fit. Spend four hours a day playing Tomb Raider.
Beer contains a lot of calories. Burn them off by running to the fridge.
Lose your sticky-out belly by lying on your back.
Experts say that vigorous sex can burn over 1,500 calories. Watching vigorous sex on porn videos will burn a lot of calories too.
Your skin goes pruney in the bath because all the water seeps out of your skin. Apply this scientific principle to lose weight. Bathe in fat.
Every time you deny your self a Mars Bar, reward yourself with a Snickers.
Remember, there are no calories if the Mars Bar is fun-sized.
If touching your toes is good for you, then touching your shoes must also be good for you, even if the shoes are sitting on your lap.
Get your heart-rate up by listening to a talk-back jock you hate.
Keep your skin young and by placing it in the freezer.
Weight loss can cause wrinkles. Keep yourself younger-looking by adding 5 kilos per year.
You are what you eat. Eat thin people.
Lose weight fast, and move from the car to the shopping mall faster. Chop off your legs and get a disabled sticker.
Exercise while you sleep by dreaming you are flying.
Ever noticed how people weigh less in water? Move to Atlantis.
Pay local children to exercise on your behalf.
Redefine 'normal' to closer to 'you'. Become a serial killer of thin people.
Readers' Exercise Tips
Keep bacon bits (Bacos preferred) in your chip dip to give your jaw muscles a more vigorous workout while crunching.
Joel Bays
Bathing in cold Water gets you to lose weight. So go skinny dipping in Antarctica
Neil Hiatt
To get into doing sit-ups,place the remote between your toes.
Morgan K. Michael
To have great, strong arms, tie a brick to your remote control.
Johnny Casino
Make sure you order 'diet cokes' when you have your 4 large big mac meals for an afternoon snack.
C Hague
Many athletes would agree that training and high performance is 50% mental... so concentrate on that part first.
Whatsisname
Doctors say that laughter is a form of internal exercise. Learn to laugh loud and long at everything - even episodes of "Everyone Loves Raymond"...
Brian Vo
If you suck the cream filling out of a twinkie then you dont get any of the calories.
Mobbster
Break everything you eat in half. All the caloires fall out...then you can feel free to eat all of it.
Also,all food stolen from anothers plate is free of fat.
Angela A Flanagan
If you put in the hard yards, the rewards will pay them back - push the fridge to the couch then lie back and enjoy your beers.
Pod
A Calorie is a quantity unit of heat. To consume less Calories only eat cold food. This is why the ice cream diet really works.
Lizzie
Everyone knows that the calorie content of food is what puts on the weight so spit the calories out.
Jill Hoye
Buy a piece of telemarketing exercise equipment and spend the rest of the week kicking the shit out of the person who sold it to you.
Shannon McErlain
Many people agree that just walking up a few flights of stairs can be great exercise. But who has all that time? To get the same results in less time, go for a few joy rides on the escalator at the shopping mall.
Johnny Casino
When you think about it, you're the one person who never has to see what you look like- so why bother exercising? Lard up, fatboy.
Grover Montage
Check the wrapper of everything you eat for calorific content. If it doesn't state anything, it must be calorie free!
Sarah H
Tie a basketball to the lamp shade with a long piece of string or rope so that it hangs down in front of the TV. Give it a push so it swings side to side. Gravity will eventually make it stop so that it blocks your view again, and you will have to get out of your chair to give it another push, or get a long stick.
Dave Cody
The truly lazy person need not excercise at all! You see large is all a matter of perspective. So, you need to surround yourself with people larger than yourself. And BINGO, you are the skinny one.
Dan H
You burn calories even when you sleep, so just spend lots of time doing that.
Brooke
It doesn't count if it's someone else's chocolate bar.
Brooke
Tired of the usual boring exercise routines? Try these:
Jumping to conclusions,
Making leaps of faith,
Running out of ideas,
Jogging your memory
Faux Fleur
Increased gravity will make the tossing and turning of sleepytime the equal to a day at the gym. You just need to sleep where there is more gravity, like the surface of the Sun.
Robepierre Mullet
Just eat whipped cream; that should whip you into shape.
Christo Joe
Go to filthy public toilets, and squat don't sit. Get those thigh muscles pumped.
Jane
Buy an aerobics video and watch it each day. You may lie on the lounge while watching, but don't get a sore neck.
Jane
Superglue your mouth shut, then only drink soup through your nose... or any other orifice that feels comfortable.
Neale Hitchiner
Strap a black board to your back, then paint all your blubbery bits black. The matching colours will virtually strip you of all your fat, and you will like you've got anorexia!
Neale Hitchiner
Hide the remote control, this will make you:
a) Move the couch closer to the TV, burning lots of calories;
b) Actually get up and down to change the channels, again burning lots of calories; or
c) Give up on TV entirely so that you walk to and from the Pub every night, once more burning lots of calories.
Andrew Kent
Just remember that when you're traveling abroad, just as your currency changes, so does the calorie exchange. For instance, if you're an American in Germany, where a mark is about $.50 to a dollar, you're only getting half the calories you would at home for the same food, so plan your itenerary accordingly.
Courtney Smith
Collect all your food wrappers together, along with anything else that says 'calories', and burn them.
Jump up and down on the ashes for a quick aerobic workout.
Whatsisname
Put the remote control in your pocket and look all over the house for it which will burn off calories. eg: moving the couch, checking every room (works better if you live in a mansion). Also gives your brain a workout, which makes it lighter.
Thing - a - magig
Tie a donut to the back of an office chair. Sit in the chair and look at the donut, envision the donut, believe you can get the donut. GO FOR IT. You will get it eventually and by the time you will have gotten it you will be so sick you will barf up a few pounds. Plus spinning is aerobic.
NCWeber
Make youself feel good about your size by hanging a picture of a beached whale on your wall!
Fat boy slim
Only buy things that are 50% fat. then break them in half and eat the fat free side.
chog the frog
It's all just a state of mind. change your surroundings so there are no mirrors or reflective surfaces around you. out of sight out of mind, after a while you will forget all about your weight problems
chog the frog
It's all about moderation. So only buy medium sized McValue meals, regular sized fries etc. Be carefull of those 30% extra at no extra cost, mars bars. You don't want to go overboard.
mad gorgon
