Well we got into it tonight

[chesty]

First we started okay, then we really got going on the phone. She said she already called the dude, but didn't break it off, just told him she was in counseling to be a better person for 6 months. So he said he would wait. How fucked up is that?

Then I asked her what the problem was. You say you don't love me but you stay, she is like maybe the kids, or such. I then wanted an answer about what she is going to do. I told her I just can't handle that I have had to let you go be a free agent and I am supposed to give you all this trust without anything in return, watch you go out the door to party, drive around for five hours before I can come into my own home after work all so you can be a better person who doesn't love me and will continue to do what she needs to not love me.

Then she says, I am in the road you on the right everything else on the left If I have to decide now I will go left. I then sorta got mad and told her she needed to come get some stuff and quit baby jobs now. Bad on me, she went off on that one. I apologized.

We are going to talk to the counselor tonight together. The way I see it, put forth your best effort to work on us and if you ain't got it at the 6 month eval then bye bye and we can part happy knowing we tried and our kids would know that too. The payoff is too great not to.

But this middle of the road crap has cost me 20 plus pounds, I don't sleep anymore, my manhood hasn't moved in 2 months, I am an emotional wreck! I am in limbo land and have to deal with letting her go to party, pork, etc. Our oldest boy doesn't even like who she is becoming and asked if he could stay with me if she doesn't stay. He doesn't want her becoming like her friend which she is becoming.

This all started tonight with our weekly meeting to talk kids. She would bring up her going out on Saturday night when it is her night with kids. She brought up going back to Vegas on the family day and how we can just change that, she then throws this at me, "good thing I see the counselor tonight, I gotta discuss all of these decisions that need to be made" Of course one of them is to continue to no love me or whatever.

So, that then set me off, I called the counselor 3 times and left messages hoping that would pacify me. It didn't. I finally had enough of being bent and hammered. The last straw was she has 3 vibs, 2 of them are missing! So, she is still lying to me.

I really don't care how this all got started, but she seems to think that she has fervantly tried to talk to me over the years about working things out. She mentioned a counselor once 9 years ago, I said no and she just walked away. Last year she decided that maybe she didn't love me any more. Did I know? Nope, but everyone else did. Then, she goes and hooks up this major fucking dick bones away all with the intent that I never find out. Please, I ain't stupid.

So, she will be here in two hours and I will say whatever, and go to work, then she and I will have it out at the counselors.

I told I don't need her to love me now, just give us a chance to work out our differences, and hurt we have piled on each other working through the counselor and continuuing on our individual sessions as well. But just make the choice to put every effort into getting back together. That would take a huge amount of emotional pressure off and we could actually communicate and work problems out instead of walking on egg shells. If your feelings don't come back by the 6 month eval, then you are free to go and we can part happy. Otherwise, there will be no closure.

 

[WODIN]

All I can say is for the sake of your kids tell her go pound sand. She is playing you and everyone else.

 

[chesty]

I did sorta, I sorta told her shit or get off the pot, but then I backed down. Man am I a woose

 

[WODIN]

I did sorta, I sorta told her shit or get off the pot, but then I backed down. Man am I a woose

I know where your coming from man. It's a tough call but from everything I've read she is playing you big and the couselors big time. Plus the kids have to be seeing this. Kids are brutally honest hence your son saying can I live with you dad.

 

[chesty]

Yes he is and they can be. She just doesn't see it or get it. She thinks she is so cool now being able to be free from me that she doesn't see that her behavior is changing. My oldest sees it and she just plays it off about him wanting to stay home on her saturdays with them just so he can play nintendo or whatever.

I tried to explain to her they don't like Melissas at all, think you are becoming her clone and just want to stay at home with you. It doesn't matter that the don't have deep inciteful conversation, just that you are there in the home with them. My oldest ones report card this week was litteraly straight F's, down from all A's and B's. She just blew it off as not being told what they are supposed to do. I know better and so does she.
I don't understand how someone can decide they don't love you any more, go hook up with a guy and get pumped for 3 days, come home and tell you that they are in the middle of the road you right him left and don't know which way to go? Can't tell you why they are so upset about the whole thing even though they don't love you any more. Why would that bother them? Go figure.

I told her the house was hers as long as she honesty tried and it didn't work, but she is not even trying and throwing that in my face now. I feel like the bad guy and she says she feels like the bad guy. This day is going to suck!

 

[SoKlueles]

Im sorry chesty, I guess women suck too. Men DEFINATELY suck...yeah she is playing you and she knows it. She knows you will cave in. Good luck

 

[WODIN]

Damn!

Save your kids man. Shit like this can scar them for life. Just my 2 cents.

 

[chesty]

I am trying. The worst part is if she goes I am going to let them know that even though mom had her reasons, she cheated on dad and that has hurt him more than anything else. They need to know what kind of woman she is. She could have been honest and adult and informed me that it was over. Instead she went behind my back and cheated.

She may not like it, but they deserve to know if she wants to play this out and leave completely.

 

[WODIN]

I am trying. The worst part is if she goes I am going to let them know that even though mom had her reasons, she cheated on dad and that has hurt him more than anything else. They need to know what kind of woman she is. She could have been honest and adult and informed me that it was over. Instead she went behind my back and cheated.

She may not like it, but they deserve to know if she wants to play this out and leave completely.

Very true my man. You are just being honest and forth right through this. You are not the bad guy here. You think you are because you don't want your marriage to end.

I can totally relate. I'd probably do a lot of the same things if I were in your shoes up to the point where she said I the right / lef thing. I'd say ...Turn left and don't look back.

Life is too short for bullshit.

 

[SoKlueles]

Very true my man. You are just being honest and forth right through this. You are not the bad guy here. You think you are because you don't want your marriage to end.

I can totally relate. I'd probably do a lot of the same things if I were in your shoes up to the point where she said I the right / lef thing. I'd say ...Turn left and don't look back.

Life is too short for bullshit.

wodie i love that...i think that is my new sig
how the heck are u cutie?

 

[chesty]

Yeah we did that tonight to and she would throw it back at me, is that what you want my answer now cause I am choosing the side without you if that is what you want and what you will get if make me answer now. Of course I don't want that.

But how can you have a dude waiting in the shadows for you, say you don't love me and don't see those feelings ever coming back and sit there and cry because you don't like to see me this way and you are confused about what to do? I don't get that.

Either you don't love me, decision is easy cause it is already made. Or you say you don't love me, but inside you still do and are scared because of the past and with the guy and the other lifestyle that I could see as a bit confusing and hard to decide from, but still, if you don't love me and you don't want to anymore I don't see why all the emotions and crying and why you get upset when I hurt becuase of what you are doing.

That is the most confusing shit I have ever experienced.

 

[Werd]

How old are your children?

 

[chesty]

12 7

 

[GoldenDelicious]

i would take a sleeping pill until i chilled out and talked to the counsellor calmly, and to your wife...again calmly.

imo youre doing it wrong. youre being confrontational, putting too much pressure on her to choose. you backed her into a corner with the ultimatum, and it opened up the gap between you. you dont want confrontation. you need to play up your good points, and downplay the control freak in you.

i know youre angry. i have been in a similar spot. dont want to go into details, but im a bitter man right now (hence so much time online in lala land). but at the end of the day, itll be your pride versus how much you really want your wife back.

if you could figure out a way to remove the skank friend, that would turn the tide. i could suggest a few, but then, um, i might go to jail. so might you.

a question. is this still about your wife and kids, or is it about getting her back, and being back in control etc etc. this is a benign question, dont be angry. ive been there myself. struggle like a madman to get the girl back, then once you have her, you remember why you let her go. nasty.

good luck mate, as always. i was serious about the sedative/calmative/sleep pill by the way. a fit of anger can undo everything.

cheers

 

[chesty]

Not at all about being in control. I never wanted control over her and I didn't realize I was doing it till it was too late. It is about my family righting what I did wrong. But, I cannot sit by and just pour heaps of trust onto her with nothing in return and nothing waiting for me even if it is a remote possiblity.

We both screwed up.

I am not angry any more, but I was for a bit, but I am learning to control it. I have never been violent and never will.

I just don't get the whole girl thing I am so confused, I don't love you and don't see that happening again and I am oh so happy on this side of the fence, but I am in the middle and don't know what to do? I hate to see you hurting this way, lots of tears as well from her. Really? then stop your shit! You know how you can fix it. Grow up and take responsibility. This ain't about wife time anymore, this is the family with kids we are talking about.

I use ritalin, so a sedative is out of the question. I am cool now.

 

[Werd]

12 and 7 year old boys do NOT need to be told that their mother is a cheating whore. The fact that they do not (or even if only one... I am guessing the 12 yr old) do not like THE PERSON she has become should be enough.'

DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT degrade her to her children - this will only hurt you.

I know how hard this is - BELIEVE ME! I said some things just the other night that I wish to God I would never have said.

A child does not need to be reminded that their parent is an ASSHOLE.... especially not by the other parent. They are already hurt enough, they don't need to be hurt by the other.

I am truly upset by your wife's behavior. I can understand it to a small degree, but that does not mean that I condone it.

But she must be allowed to bury herself and there is not a damned thing you can do. She will get half the house and half the other assets, if she has been homeschooling and you both agree that she will continue then I don't see how a court will force her to get a fulltime job so you WILL pay spousal and childsupport. You can jump up and down and yell and scream all you want, the law is the law - justice is blind and she wont care that she was "a whore" anymore than it will care that you were a "controlling suspicious ass". They will divy things up the same. You will get joint physical and joint legal custody - unless the children want to live with you. They are getting near the age where the court will listen to what they want. BUT

It will be very expensive and extremely messy if she will not yield to the will of the children. There will be court conducted investigations, blah, blah, blah.... and the end result will be the same: the children will get fucked while the scumbag attorneys get rich.

Chesty, I feel you, better than you think. But YOU MUST STOP riding her ass. That is the counselor's job. Do you honestly think the counselor isn't giving her shit like nobody's business? He is doing that so that you don't have to!... so you can focus on YOU. If you trust this counselor THEN LET HIM DO HIS JOB.

Otherwise the two of you need to separate FOR REAL and just get a divorce already.

No need to delay the inevitable.

Sorry, if that is not what you want to hear and NO I dont have all the answers. I am only giving it to you straight because you are my friend.

I wish there was some way that I could glance 6 months into the future for you, but I can't.

 

[chesty]

It is fine. I have already given her the house and will pay for it and one of the vehicles.

As for the counselor I can do what they ask, but not to watch her just go out as a single female and do what she wants without regard for how it makes me feel or the kids. I want all the cards on the table straight up everything. I already know she doesn't love me. But, all of it needs to be there. There has to be some rules to follow, not just she is a free woman now. If that is what I wanted, I would have booted her ass out. She is saying she don't love me now, and don't see how she can later, she is already telling herself it will never happen and will always make sure that is the way she feels no matter how much I change before her eyes. And in the meantime I get to standby and take it in the ass for the next however many months knowing that homy is in the background ready to catch her when she falls all broken hearted because it just didn't work.

At 12, they need to know the truth. The 12 year old already sense something is wrong with mom. They need to know mom is a cheater and can't be trusted. I have already told them about me, apologized to them for the way I raised them. Did mom apologize? Nope! There you have it.

 

[beastboy]

Wodin is right on. She is playing you....having her cake and eating it too. And I think your counselor is a quack.

 

[chesty]

She may be, but I have to go with it for now. However, like I said, the cards gotta be on the table so I know what I am being dealt and how to proceed without being in the shadows. Life is too short, but I am too old to start over again. And no one wants someone who has been married twice and been shit on the exact same way twice.

 

[WODIN]

She may be, but I have to go with it for now. However, like I said, the cards gotta be on the table so I know what I am being dealt and how to proceed without being in the shadows. Life is too short, but I am too old to start over again. And no one wants someone who has been married twice and been shit on the exact same way twice.

You might want to consider going gay after all this.

 

[Werd]

It is fine. I have already given her the house and will pay for it and one of the vehicles.

As for the counselor I can do what they ask, but not to watch her just go out as a single female and do what she wants without regard for how it makes me feel or the kids. I want all the cards on the table straight up everything. I already know she doesn't love me. But, all of it needs to be there. There has to be some rules to follow, not just she is a free woman now. If that is what I wanted, I would have booted her ass out. She is saying she don't love me now, and don't see how she can later, she is already telling herself it will never happen and will always make sure that is the way she feels no matter how much I change before her eyes. And in the meantime I get to standby and take it in the ass for the next however many months knowing that homy is in the background ready to catch her when she falls all broken hearted because it just didn't work.

At 12, they need to know the truth. The 12 year old already sense something is wrong with mom. They need to know mom is a cheater and can't be trusted. I have already told them about me, apologized to them for the way I raised them. Did mom apologize? Nope! There you have it.

I am not disagreeing with what you say... except the last part.

At 12 HE KNOWS THE TRUTH - HE DOES NOT NEED TO HEAR YOU DEGRADE HIS MOTHER TOO. Don't you think it hurts them enough already? For fuck's sake, the child already said he wants to live with you!

The only reason I was forced to tell my kids that their father beat me was because I was the one there the next morning with scratches and bruises - HE WAS NOT. I had to explain to them why daddy doesn't live with us anymore. To this day, that motherfucker denies ever having touched me - "I attacked him". Yea, ok.

You stood up, admitted to your mistakes and apologized - those children will NEVER EVER forget that. Their relationship with her is not your responsibility. It is hers.... and she will pay the price for her weakness.

I know it seems like she is having a good old time. Guess what? She is headed on a one way path of self-destruction. Fix yourself, and be there for your kids. If she can pull her head out of her ass in time - GREAT! If not, then there is not a damned thing you can do about it.

I am so very sorry. I would love to get a hold of her and shake some sense into her. But then again, it isn't for me or for you or for anyone else to decide...

SHE HAS TO DECIDE FOR HERSELF.

Focus on YOU and YOUR KIDS.

 

[chesty]

Maybe she went lesbo? I mean two dildos are missing! I wouldn't think a girl would show up with those to a boyfriends house after only a few weeks. But then again you never know with her any more.

I would rather stay celabit than go gay

 

[beastboy]

She may be, but I have to go with it for now. However, like I said, the cards gotta be on the table so I know what I am being dealt and how to proceed without being in the shadows. Life is too short, but I am too old to start over again. And no one wants someone who has been married twice and been shit on the exact same way twice.

I think she knows she can have you back when she wants....so when she is tired of her "new" life she'll take you back. I'd say fuck it, and play hard to get.

 

[nvrbuffenuff_girl]

At 12, they need to know the truth. The 12 year old already sense something is wrong with mom. They need to know mom is a cheater and can't be trusted. I have already told them about me, apologized to them for the way I raised them. Did mom apologize? Nope! There you have it.

Your children already know something big is really wrong in their family. Telling them about what happened isn't a bad idea. But chose your words wisely.

I noticed you said in another post that your children are obviously affected by what's happened and its being reflected in their school performance. I'm assuming one of your children is in middle school and the other in elementary school. Schools have guidance counselors many of which now have put programs together to help children cope with family seperation, divorce, etc. You may want to call or visit your children's guidance counselor and let them in on what your children are going through or seeing you and your wife go through. They can help them cope with what they are exposed to at home.

When I worked at a elementary school I had divorce support groups for children. In these groups I would do theraphy with children whose parents were going through divorce or difficult times. It REALLY helped the children a lot. You may want to look into it.

 

[beastboy]

Maybe she went lesbo? I mean two dildos are missing! I wouldn't think a girl would show up with those to a boyfriends house after only a few weeks. But then again you never know with her any more.

I would rather stay celabit than go gay

LOL....maybe she is using them by herself.

Hell...sometimes I come home and there are a vibes, buttplugs, anal beads, and double dongers missing.

 

[havoc]

Have nothing in your life that causes you one second of negativity, you live by this you will be on your way to a better place.

 

[chesty]

Yeah, they have a school counselor. We were also going to take them to ours as well to get the skinny on us instead of it coming from us.

I will tell the kids with very carerfully chosen words, not to degrade mom, she is doing that herself. I told them about when I cheated once on mom 9 years ago and came to my senses and mom graciously worked through it.

I am tired of the lies, deceit, sneaking around, hiding things, dishonesty, immorality, infidelity, running away from ones problems instead of hitting them head on and solving them, I am tired of disloyalty, betrayel, faithlessness and a dead spirit.

Whether or not she pulls herself up by her boot straps or not and knuckles down to put forth her very best and honest effort into saving this is not the point any more. This is about being honest, etc from this point forward. There should be no secrets of any kind between spouses period. Wives don't hang out with male friends and Husbands don't hang out with female friends. H/W hang out with each other and the kids and now and then go hang out with their friends of the same sex unless the both spouses are present.

I don't really care which way it goes any more. I know the way I want it to go, but for Pete's sake, let's do something to get the ball rolling or not. Stop this middle of the road shit that is for kids!

 

[chesty]

I would like to believe that she is using them herself to relieve the stress and tension.

I am waiting for her to show up from her friends house to apologize for the last time. I think I may have been too much this time. I just couldn't get used to being in limbo knowing I love her and want her with me, I tried, God knows I tried, but I just can't watch her leave one more time a free woman currently with know intentions of doing anything to bring us back together. Knowing that she did not break it off with this guy, but that she agreed with him that he will wait as long as it takes her to become a better person in 6 months or so. So, even if she started to get some feelings back for me he would always be in the back of my mind as the safety net in case I rejected her when she started to feel for me again or that she decided to try again because he was giving her strength to do so and it wasn't coming from her or me, or she just gave up. Either way I lose everytime in the heart dept.

So, I am going to apologize and let her know I feel I pushed to hard and without warning and that I wish her the best in life and that if she ever changes her mind I will be there always. (yeah I know, cheesy and they never come back anyway)

I wonder if it will just be like water on a duck or if she wants to really see the counselor about this tonight and not make any decisions till counselor feels it is time to start. Right now she has decisions on hold, not supposed to make in the emotional state we are in, I am in limbo land, I am saying be adult and make choices, counselor is saying not to, what a conundrum.

 

[chesty]

Here is another killer, I am waiting at the house for her to get here and my chest is pounding so hard my entire body is swaying back and forth. I thinks this is what they call an anziety attack or panic attack. Been having many of these lately.

I wonder how she will react when I tell her I will be staying here till I get a contract job and then I will move out.

 

[the_only_sepe]

Bor, get some Xanax to get you through the tough times, shes been with another man I know you love her and all andfor the kids and everything but thats not the person you need to be with that does that to you, thats where I would draw the line.. I would tell her to get the Fck outta the house

 

[digger]

Chesty, you've said more than once that after making the same mistake twice (more or less) that you don't think there's any married life for you after this, without this woman. That's BS. Voice of experience here. You're putting an incredible burden on yourself and on your wife by thinking in those terms.

To you, this marriage is a lifeline and you can't let go of it. To her, it's a noose around her neck. As much as you want that lifeline, you have to tread water until she can get it unwound from her throat, otherwise you'll drown her... and she'll pull you under.

Listen to Werd. She's got it nailed, even if she didn't pick up on your mention that your counselor is female.

 

[chesty]

I think she is a lesbo, she just got home from her girlfriends house and put the dildos up!

 

[chesty]

I am talking to the counselor today and then we are going tonight. I understand my wife doesn't love me right now and doesn't see that happening. But this shit with letting her go and be a single white female is crap, especially when I am not even allowed to ask what she is doing. So she just throws that up in my face.

I told her this morning that I want to give us one more chance, all the way. We keep working on ourselves and at the same time start getting our hurts out in the open and dealing with them. But the wife is like I don't know whatever, your not listening to me, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile she is working on herself and if there is something there later on nice, if not oh well. She just doesn't care.

She says she cares for me and that is why it is so hard for her to just go. Bullshit! If you don't love me and don't want to attempt to repair/heal us then why stay, the answer is pretty simple. I am sorry, but I can't go through the next 6 months in limbo wondering whether or not each day she will suddenly reach out to me or tell me to fuck off.

She has the house by my choice. I have no place to live except to bounce around. And just keep a stiff upper lip trusting for what I don't know, but I am supposed to.

I told her I am going to get a contracting job and move away. I'll make her choice for her. There, problem solved, no female bullshit feelings, etc. Am I bitter right now. She won't even acknowledge that I now realize what I have been like and I am getting the help to get better. In the meantime, I am just supposed to sit back and watch my wife be single.

This is crap. If this is meant to work on us as well as our relationship, then I need it spelled out exactly. I don't think the type and amount of interface time is enough. We need time to get over our hurts with each other as well as be a family for the kids.

I don't know anymore, she doesn't know. How she can say I am in the middle of the road you right everything else left and I don't know what to do is bullshit. Very simple if I leave she only has two choices, middle or left. Done deal. If I stay, we have to hammer out between us and counselor exactly what to do and probably should see her every day and quickly get to living under one roof even if separate rooms and she needs to start acting like woman again.

Wife wasn't too keen on me leaving, was like do you think that is good for the boys? They will be fine, not like I haven't contracted before. She even looked slightly dissappointed. I just thinks this whole grow up and be Jami is crap and telling her she could just put the guy on the back burner if she couldn't ditch him is bullshit too.

If wife would just committ to 6 month with eval to work specifically on us healing we could make it. If feelings come back great, if not we did both try. But it will take real honest effort not just a show.

I can't take living in the middle much longer. I need to know a definite course and if she can't even consider us making it and her having feelings again, then there is no point to this bullshit any longer.

 

[chesty]

So, cut bait or fish? I can do that. It won't hurt me near as much as going through this whole process and getting whacked at the end

 

[lucidblue]

At 12, they need to know the truth. The 12 year old already sense something is wrong with mom. They need to know mom is a cheater and can't be trusted. I have already told them about me, apologized to them for the way I raised them. Did mom apologize? Nope! There you have it.

I absolutely DISAGREE with this. A 12 year old does not need to know the detail of mom cheating. I come from a divorce that happened b/c my dad cheated. I didn't know why my parents divorced, except that they just didn't get along until I was 14 (they divorced when I was 4). At 14 I figured out on my own what happened based on something that I saw going on with my dad and his girlfriend. I then went home and asked my mom if that is why she left. She told me I was right.

You should definitely not tell your children their mother is a cheater. That will be damaging to them. I can't stress this enough. They will figure it out on their own one day and ask either you or her. They know something is wrong, they've been watching this mess for years. The living situation sounds bizarre. Where do you live, where does she live and where do the kids live? She needs to have a place and you need to have your own, so your children have "homes" to go to when seeing their parents. This situation would be so confusing to a child. They need to be in counseling too or it WILL effect their life down the road.

 

[AAP]

All I can say is for the sake of your kids tell her go pound sand. She is playing you and everyone else.

I wuv you.

Great advice.

 

[thelegacy again]

Im kinda confused are you married to her????

 

[milo hobgoblin]

Dude.. get a really hot girlfriend.. she will coming runing back to you like ethopians to a sandwhich.

Trust me.. I went through almost an identical situation as your 3 years ago.. she would break it off.. even lies to the counserler.. as soon as I started dating this big titted hot red head... all of the sudden she wanted to make our marriage work.. LOL

I told her to fuck off and get a boob job then Id think about it. I hated my ex wife.. fucking bitch.

If you love her.. get a girlfriend.. you'll get her back.. the hotter the girlfriend the quicker the ex will come crawling back..

 

[Dial_tone]

I'm not feeling too good about the odds of this working out the way you want. She seems to be interpreting this time apart as "freedom", not "healing".

 

[Dougly]

Get a new counselor.

 

[Razorguns]

Always be SELECTIVE before choosing a life partner. Some people spend more time researching a car, then a spouse.

But that doesn't help you one bit right now.

All you can think and remind yourself -- is that YOU are the only person you can control and look after. You can't change anyone. Well you can, through intimidation, fear, trickery, dangling carrots, persuasion, etc. But even that is only a temporary solution that will eventually backfire.

If someone gets to you, is it *their* fault for getting to you or *your* fault for not being mentally strong enough to fend off emotional spears aimed for your heart and mind? Always remember, there will always be people looking to hurt you. It's your job to be prepared for it in life and be strong. So it DOESN'T happen in the first place.

So in essence...Focus on what makes you happy in life. Focus on what you DO have: yourself, your kids, your hobbies, your job, your future, etc. Let this tramp crash and burn on her own merits. People who lead an unhappy, fake, thrill-of-the-moment type lifestyle will eventually tire or bottom-out with nothing to show for it. When they do -- they'll also have tons of wrinkles to show for it.

Take care of YOURSELF first. If she really loves you -- she'll notice that you are happy, strong and set in your ways and perhaps THAT aspect of it will wake her up. If not -- move on.

 

[chesty]

Okay made headway today. We narrowed down the biggest problem to being able to let go of the hurt each of us feel. That is earned trust in each other. It will take many many baby steps to fully trust the other person. But she agreed to 1 month as the first baby step.

She fully realizes that she may still feel the same way she does now for quite a while however, at the end of 1 month, we will have proved our ability to be a little trustworthy. Then we take another month and build on that. At some point enough trust will be built up that the hurt will start to come down and the repressed feelings can start to surface. It will require a lot of work on the counselor's part to show us how to trust again. Which is one of my items to do anyway. It will take a lot of time and it will be slow going, but this is the most positive I have seen her, even thought her head is saying you might want to reconsider. She is like I can't promise my feelings will have changed. That is when I told her they most likely won't after one month, but you will have started the trust rebuilding and we go to the next month and so on. Eventually the hurt subsides and the feelings can surface.

We both know fully well too how easy it would be to screw each other over again. If it is within the first month, well not much worse than before, but if down the road a bit it could be devestating.

 

[rnch]

I know where your coming from man. It's a tough call but from everything I've read she is playing you big and the couselors big time. Plus the kids have to be seeing this. Kids are brutally honest hence your son saying can I live with you dad.

sounds to me like it's over b/t ya'll........she is using you for all she can.

get a barracuda divorce lawyer and be done with it.........it's time to move on.

 

[daveyboy]

Bro, why are you doing this to yourself?? You seem like you're a major glutton for punishment or something. It's bad enough when somebody cheats on you the first time but when it happens again that should tell you right there that she's not the one for you. You don't keep doing that to someone that you love. It seems to me like all she wants to do is to keep hurting you. Plus the fact that she's telling you in counciling that she still doesn't have feelings for you?? Buddy, that's all I would need to hear. I'd be outta there in a heartbeat! No shit. Don't take that crap off of her anymore man. She's not worth it. Can't you see that by now?? I'd never ever believe one word she would say ever again either. She's playing you for a sucker Chesty. All she seems bent on doing now is to make your life a living hell while she gets to sit back and enjoy hers.

Walk away & don't look back. You deserve better.

 

[AAP]

As Wodin said... go tell her to pound sand.

 

[Viking850]

Chesty, why are you "giving her the house?" You are not thinking logically here. You give her exactly what the judge tells you to give her, nothing more! This woman is playing you and has cheated on you! She has never apoligized for this or even told you that it was a mistake! What the hell?????

You tell her that the house will be put up for sale and the money will be divided in half. You do not move out untill this happens and you buy your new place! You need to contact a family law attorney immediately and get some legal advice. Thousands of your hard earned dollars are at stake here!!! Be smart!!!!

She still does not know which way she will go??? Now, you are supposed to wait for 6 months and stick around untill she makes her decision??????
That is unacceptabe!!!! Like I said earlier, TAKE CONTROL OF THIS SITUATION NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[HS Lifter]

Damn, this shit makes me want to never get married.

Good luck chesty

 

[gotmilk]

It is fine. I have already given her the house and will pay for it and one of the vehicles.

Hey Boss...

so she gets nights out....the biker dude who really needs to be sniped...the house...one of the cars...free reign....and the ability to act like an 8 year old..

and you're cool with it?

I'd tell her to go live with clone and take your house back...give her the car and her clothes and tell her you will see her at the counselors if she feels like showing up.

give a little...not a lot.

 

[Razorguns]

are you two LIVING togehter?

if not, how are you going to "work out the hurt between each other through 1 month of letting it go, and building up a trust"??? You gonna see her one evening a week?

If she's not living with you -- she's playing you for a fiddle. I've seen guys ruin their lives over women and it's plain disgusting. On the law of the jungle order of hierachy of life, that's NOT how it's supposed to work.

Either she moves in and works on your relationship with you every night -- or she ain't putting anything more than lip service into your relationship with her.

 

[CFZB]

dude i feel funny giving adivce to you ..but ive read up and after all ive read i can say for sure your children need a good example ....they need to know what "mom" (i'll use the term loosly) is doing is realy wrong ....and that its not supposed to be this way ...break the cycle now bro...find something to live for ...and for your children...good luck

 

[chesty]

We see each other at two specific times right now so that are emotion meters don't peg constantly.

What she offered today was 1 month to start rebuilding the trust so that we can bring down the hurt walls we have put up. She has acknowledged that she is taking huge risk with her emotions/feelings/heart and even asked me if I knew what it would do to her if I betrayed that trust again. Of course I know, I had it done to me as well. I also told her it was just as big a risk for me. We have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Now she may waiver a bit on this point, but at one point she acknowledged that it was the hurt that she was not sure she could bring down. I pointed out that that is where the rebuilding the trust comes into play because those feelings that you don't have and I am feeling now are hidden behind this hurt barrier. As it comes down they will come out.

She asked what kind of trust are we talking about, because I trust with money, kids, bills, etc. I told her it was with our feelings and she said, but I don't have those and I pointed out that they are behind that hurt barrier and that is why you can't feel them right now and she agreed.

She also said that her brain was saying don't do it, blah, blah,... but she is sticking by her offer to work this out, get the trust back and get everything on the table. Now she also acknowledged that she may still not have any feelings at the end of the 1st month. I agreed whole heartedly. Why? because we just started the rebuilding of trust and that takes a long time. What will happen though is that we will start to see that we can trust and have earned some trust. Then you go for another month and so on. Rebuilding trust is the hardest and most rewarding thing you can do. She agreed.

Now, when we get to counselor's I am sure she will be like Wife, is this what you really want? Or did he pressure you into it? Or talk you into it, yada yada. She made the offer. I made the offer to go contract for a few months and fly back once a week for 3 or 4 days to be with her and the kids.

We are going to the counselors tonight to tell her that we have decided to start working on us by starting with rebuilding our trust. For the first time we have a clear path to follow and we figured it out ourselve. Now the counselor can help us or not, but up to today she had us hanging in the middle of no where.

We are also going to continue our individual sessions on becoming better people as well. Just now everything involves us starting the healing process as a couple as well.

Of course she could always do a 180 by tonight. But I am praying she doesn't. I know she won't. but her friend is another issue as she could bend her ear off. Shouldn't be a problem God will intervene there.

It will take time, but you know we really do have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Cross your fingers and pray.

 

[Sub-Zero]

At 12, they need to know the truth. The 12 year old already sense something is wrong with mom. They need to know mom is a cheater and can't be trusted. I have already told them about me, apologized to them for the way I raised them. Did mom apologize? Nope! There you have it.

from what youv said your wife sounds like shes fuckin up big, and i dunno why your putting up with it.

i guess i would be able to understand whats going on more if we knew what it was you did IE with raising them and about you etc.


i agree with letting your kids know what is going on, but youl make your kids feel guilty and fuck them up if you keep bashing her to them. tell them the truth, without opinions-that is bad.

i personally would come to my OWN opinions about my parent if i was told/found out they were cheating, and i would be pissed off if my other parent bashed the cheater, although i feel im mature enough to understand feelings, and i would understand that its a way of getting out greif

 

[chesty]

I am not bashing her, I forced her hand from years of neglect. The only thing I didn't agree with is that we both when we first started out 17 years ago had come to the conclusion that if we wanted out or wanted to be with someone else we would tell the other partner before doing anything. This would save dignity and possibly make each really assess the situation to see if they could do something to rectify it. She didn't and didn't want me to find out. Go figure! Well, 4 years as a Deputy Sheriff, 39 years of not trusting any one, and 5 years as a Marine, it wasn't hard to figure out. But I have forgiven her completely and without regret.

I am a Marine I will not give up the battle until I have run out of ammo and my position is compromised.

 

[Razorguns]

Good lord. You two are gonna psycho-analyze each other to death.

Just go out and get drunk and go bowling, and go back to the days of acting like the two people that ATTRACTED each other to begin with!

I love how SHE cheated, yet YOU have to be the one with "trust" issues to work out. WTF is up with that?

Whatever. You two sound like an hour long oprah episode.

Hasn't anyone watched tv sitcoms and seen how REAL loving husband/wife relationships are SUPPOSED to work! (all in the family, roseanne, the jeffersons!)

 

[chesty]

Yeah, that is the problem. I think so far the only thing the counselor has messed up on is by not getting all the cards on the deck. Putting us into holding patterns made it worse for us!