The battle is over, but the war is not

[chesty]

Well all,
It is time to stop the blaming and unforgiveness. When I found out yesterday for sure 100% proof what I new I figured I would not only be hurt, but be able to hate her. It didn't go down that way.

Sure, I was hurt, but I don't even bother with tormenting myself with the images of the you know what. It is not worth it.

I called her on it while she was there in the bed with him at his place and she decided to come home at 1 instead of 6. She supposedly discussd our plans for an initial 1 month together to work on her being able to get passed the hurt I put her through, to be able to see the possibilities that will happen if she just says it is not too late. Then, we can go from there. She will not be going out during the month, will not be calling him and vice versa (here is where blind faith comes in) and we will be following a program designed to reconnect you with your partner, even when it has gotten to this stage which is bad, but not quite hopeless.

I decided to take the high road and to truly follow 1 Corinthians 13.4-8

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, an dendures through every circumstance. Love will last forever....

13.13There are three things that will endure-faith, hope and love-and the greates of these is love."

I was taught to never surrender, never give up. If the battle is worth it then you fight to your last breath, if it isn't then you regroup. She asked why I didn't regroup, I said because this battle is worth fighting.

I also believe in action. When she got home it would have been so easy to just toss her on the street right there. A part of me wanted to. But, instead I forgave her right there on the spot. I then proceeded to answer her question about why I love her, she then said, but I could just be lying again and hurt you again if I stay and do this. I said sure, you could. But it is a risk that I am willing to take. Love does not come without risk, nor does trust. But without risk, love and truth are meaningless.

She agreed to go through the work that we need to (reading/workbooks) and if she reads/sees something that can help her to realize it is not too late, etc she will consider those things and work on them together.

I also explained to her that by keeping contact with this dude even on phone that she will never be able to come to an honest conclusion. She keeps saying he is a small part, but the whole time she was running to him on the weekends. She said he would wait the 6 months, but she couldn't. Isn't lust and less than honorable male fun?

Well, could I get burned again? Yeah. Could she just be doing this because I told her that if she put an honest effort into this and it didn't work 1 month or 6 months down the road, then I could at least live with the fact that we/she really tried? Sure. She doesn't like to see me hurt, but she has been doing nothing but that.

So, from here on out I am taking the high road. Never looking back, but looking toward the future. I want her in it, even with the cheating she has thrown in my face. I am not sure, but I think that has already had a huge impact on her thought processess. I didn't blow up, didn't yell, didn't freak out, I forgave her on the spot, told her I understand why she had to do it and that I did not blame her.

So, I will either get roasted again or we will be together. Either way, I will have followed what Jesus would do and what is the right thing to do. Forgive and never give up.

 

[Werd]

Chesty, maybe I am misunderstanding something, but I thought you were divorced.

 

[chesty]

Long story. Legally we did many years ago. But we moved back into reconcile before the ink was dry. So now we are common law married by Kansas. And according to our faith we still are.

 

[Werd]

So then what is your definition of cheating?

You mean to tell me that you never told another woman (in the time that you were "married" "comitted" or whatever with this woman) that you were DIVORCED and only stayed under the same roof because of financial issues?

I am only trying to understand.

 

[Buddy_Christ]

Chesty - if you've got it in you to look past all of that, put it in the past, forgive her, and try to make the future work, then you are absolutely, without a doubt, giving this 100%.

the two of you can recover from this. hearing what you're willing to put into it, i hope you can both make this work.

how are the kids? how old are they? my parents split just before i turned 14. any questions, feel free to ask. ultimately, you need to make sure they recieve the love they need during all of this.

 

[chesty]

The kids are 12 and 7. Nope I never told any other woman that. For me I made the committment to right the wrong I had done. Unfortunately, I did not know how to do that at the time. Now I am learning and it is like trying to hold your breath in space. There is one shot at this and that shot must be placed perfectly.

That is why I am not giving up an I never will. And she knows that. Whether or not my actions will help her to chose the risk to love me again or they will not. Either way, I will always love her and forgive her.

 

[Werd]

YOU NEVER TOLD ANOTHER WOMAN THAT YOU WERE A FREE MAN BUT YOU WERE JUST COHABITATING BECAUSE SHE WAS HOMESCHOOLING THE KIDS AND YOU COULD NOT AFFORD TO SUPPORT TWO HOUSEHOLDS?

What did you tell that woman that you were supposed to be meeting in Texas just several months back?


Listen, Chesty... I am NOT defending your wife. She is definitely going down a bad path and is too screwed up to realize it. SEX HAS ZERO TO DO WITH IT.

BUT

I am trying to understand why you accept responsibility for your shortcomings in one post but then try to come off lillywhite and totally victimized in another.

 

[chesty]

Definition of cheating is that you have promised to be with that person for all time. Which we did. You for whatever reason then betray that trust and faith and go behind their back and start an affair. No matter what the reasons for it and for hiding it it is a betrayal.

And in this case one that has been forgiven and will be on a daily basis.

 

[chesty]

I had already said that I had cheated in my heart a long while ago. That is why I know exactly the same position that she is in now. Just as she feels now that I have forced to take drastic actions is the exact same postion I was in. I went to find out whether or not I should continue to be with her or not. In my case, I found out that I do. That is when I started to change my ways. Of course a little at a late stage of the game.

Yeah, I got burnt by her, and I believe that God was telling me something. There are numerous stories in my past that I could dredge up as well as in hers, but we are in the here and now and while we cannot forget the past we cannot dwell on it either. There is a reason that she has just not gone, she has a squeeze who wants her to live with him, a gf that wants that as well and of course there is me. So you see she has all the financial support and living space she needs. But she is still willing to stay her with me for the time being even if under assumed false pretenses on her part.

That I was living with my ex wife and that we had decided to try to work things out, but that it was not getting anywhere. She has not been homeschooling for years and that is not the final reason we stayed together. We stayed because we both agreed to work out the problems and undo the divorce. Unfortunately, we did not have proper guidance.

Yeah, I was hurt by that thing, but I now realize that I was being given an initial wake up call that I still ignored. Well, I got the bell for the final round and I am not going to give up. Most won't understand, but I realized a long time ago that this woman is the person I want in my life. So, I only pray that I have not woke up too late.

 

[Dial_tone]

Good luck, bor....but I wouldn't bet a nickle on her not calling him for a month based on what you've said recently.

 

[Werd]

You, your wife and your children are the only ones that matter.

Trash talking your wife to elite while leaving out important details just to gleen "support" is not going to help any of you.

There are many posts where you accept responsibility for your role but there are many where you only trash talk that she is a cheating whore, blah, blah, blah... you are giving it your all and she is giving up... blha, blha,blah then all these other guys (many of whom are well meaning but who aren't in possession of the whole picture) then get on and say she is trash, she is playing you, kick her ass out, hire a shark attorney... blah, blah, blah - WHEN YOU KNOW DAMNED WELL THAT WHEN YOU TALK OF YOUR WIFE THAT WAY IT IS ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE HURT AND ANGRY AND NOT BECAUSE IT IS THE TRUTH.

You seem to be posting up two different versions of the same story, painting things with a different slant depending on what you want us to see at the given moment in time.

I am not saying you are lying because I believe that you are trying to be honest. But you must also concede that you are not always being 100% honest with yourself when you post up shit about your wife that is designed to paint her as negatively as you possibly can so we will all pat you on the back and agree that she is evil and you are not.

We are human... we all do this. Not because we are trying to do harm necessarily, but that is just how it is. Four people witness the same event, they each give very different accounts. Which one is lying?

The answer is none of them.

It is not about truth, it is about perception.

I know you pretty well Chesty (I wont say how because that only matters between you and me). I think your intentions are good. I think you have made mistakes that you acknowledge and own up to. I think that you have been hurt badly. I think that you are genuinely TRYING to evolve into a better person, but I am telling you that this cn NEVER be accomplished if it is contingent on salvaging your marriage. You have to want it for YOU - not because you want to possess your wife again now that she has someone else who wants her.

She is NOT a possession.

You need to step back and focus on YOU....

Your wife needs to get herself a job is she is not homeschooling the kids anymore. She needs to learn to function independently of you. This means she must be left to fuck things up for herself. She will then need to learn how to "unfuck" them up for herself as well. Question HARD as I have heard you state that YOU KNOW she is a good mother. Is she really? I mean IS SHE REALLY? Don't answer here because I will not have to pick up the slack if she is not. That is up to you.

I made the mistake of refusing to see who my ex truly was until my children told me and showed me things that have been found by others in authority as well because I couldnt own up to the fact that I married him and chose to have him father my children.

Now my eyes are wide open and I have to prove this in a court of law. It is not so easy though. Everyone thinks that if the law has an inkling that something is amiss, the children will be taken. WRONG. Unless there are broken bones (and even THEN, kids still aren't taken) the law will not take children from either parent, no matter what anyone thinks. I know this for FACT - and so do a few others here.

The law doesn't give a shit about me or my ex (as they should not). But the law also does not have feelings... IT DOESNT CARE. Justice is truly blind because she NEEDS to be.

Think hard about what I asked you Chesty.

IS SHE REALLY A GOOD MOTHER?

Whether she chooses to stay and try to salvage the marriage has zero to do with that. I want you to get some SERIOUS counseling because you need to be able to determine whether or not this woman would REALLY harm her kids.

I refused to see this about my ex. Now my children suffer needlessly because I was too fucked up to realize.

This is not about you or your wife. Honestly, I could care less about either of you because you are grown. I dont defend or chastice either of you because I am no judge. When the day is done you are the ones having to sleep in your bed. I have fucked up in my own life and then some, so I am not about to start throwing stones.

Just think about what I said. I sincerely hope that you understand why I say the things I say. Negativity will not help anyone....

 

[chesty]

That is why we do not play the blame game anymore. We just do and act from this moment forward and learn from the past. Venting on line is a healthy way to avoid venting to your spouse which is disasterous. We don't always confess everything because it does not do us any good to hurt more.

She is whom I want, not a possession or a trophy but a woman worth being in my life and I in hers. God will answer my prayer or not. But only God knows the plan

 

[Sub-Zero]

You, your wife and your children are the only ones that matter.

Trash talking your wife to elite while leaving out important details just to gleen "support" is not going to help any of you.

There are many posts where you accept responsibility for your role but there are many where you only trash talk that she is a cheating whore, blah, blah, blah... you are giving it your all and she is giving up... blha, blha,blah then all these other guys (many of whom are well meaning but who aren't in possession of the whole picture) then get on and say she is trash, she is playing you, kick her ass out, hire a shark attorney... blah, blah, blah - WHEN YOU KNOW DAMNED WELL THAT WHEN YOU TALK OF YOUR WIFE THAT WAY IT IS ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE HURT AND ANGRY AND NOT BECAUSE IT IS THE TRUTH.

You seem to be posting up two different versions of the same story, painting things with a different slant depending on what you want us to see at the given moment in time.

I am not saying you are lying because I believe that you are trying to be honest. But you must also concede that you are not always being 100% honest with yourself when you post up shit about your wife that is designed to paint her as negatively as you possibly can so we will all pat you on the back and agree that she is evil and you are not.

We are human... we all do this. Not because we are trying to do harm necessarily, but that is just how it is. Four people witness the same event, they each give very different accounts. Which one is lying?

The answer is none of them.

It is not about truth, it is about perception.

I know you pretty well Chesty (I wont say how because that only matters between you and me). I think your intentions are good. I think you have made mistakes that you acknowledge and own up to. I think that you have been hurt badly. I think that you are genuinely TRYING to evolve into a better person, but I am telling you that this cn NEVER be accomplished if it is contingent on salvaging your marriage. You have to want it for YOU - not because you want to possess your wife again now that she has someone else who wants her.

She is NOT a possession.

You need to step back and focus on YOU....

Your wife needs to get herself a job is she is not homeschooling the kids anymore. She needs to learn to function independently of you. This means she must be left to fuck things up for herself. She will then need to learn how to "unfuck" them up for herself as well. Question HARD as I have heard you state that YOU KNOW she is a good mother. Is she really? I mean IS SHE REALLY? Don't answer here because I will not have to pick up the slack if she is not. That is up to you.

I made the mistake of refusing to see who my ex truly was until my children told me and showed me things that have been found by others in authority as well because I couldnt own up to the fact that I married him and chose to have him father my children.

Now my eyes are wide open and I have to prove this in a court of law. It is not so easy though. Everyone thinks that if the law has an inkling that something is amiss, the children will be taken. WRONG. Unless there are broken bones (and even THEN, kids still aren't taken) the law will not take children from either parent, no matter what anyone thinks. I know this for FACT - and so do a few others here.

The law doesn't give a shit about me or my ex (as they should not). But the law also does not have feelings... IT DOESNT CARE. Justice is truly blind because she NEEDS to be.

Think hard about what I asked you Chesty.

IS SHE REALLY A GOOD MOTHER?

Whether she chooses to stay and try to salvage the marriage has zero to do with that. I want you to get some SERIOUS counseling because you need to be able to determine whether or not this woman would REALLY harm her kids.

I refused to see this about my ex. Now my children suffer needlessly because I was too fucked up to realize.

This is not about you or your wife. Honestly, I could care less about either of you because you are grown. I dont defend or chastice either of you because I am no judge. When the day is done you are the ones having to sleep in your bed. I have fucked up in my own life and then some, so I am not about to start throwing stones.

Just think about what I said. I sincerely hope that you understand why I say the things I say. Negativity will not help anyone....

you REALLY, need to show us some T&A...

 

[Werd]

you REALLY, need to show us some T&A...

LOL thanx for that! It made me smile.

 

[Sub-Zero]

np

 

[thelegacy again]

it takes a man to travel on the road less traveled and you my friend are doing it. Anybody can quit its easy and all it requires is being a coward. It really takes a man to take care of his household and fulfill his wife's needs and the needs of the kids---God Bless