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So, I have this client...

V

velvett

Elite Mentor
Platinum
that lost her husband during the week of 9/11...









She just got engaged to her landscaper the same week as the anniversary of his death.



















For reasons that I can't seem verbalize I am finding that I feel it to be rather offensive and it has really made me start to question so many aspects of myself and my feelings towards people and past memories.






........Oh, did I forget mention the landscaper is her and her late husband's neighbor?











Right then.

:dodgy:
 
SM and Citrus need to open up an afterlife chapter of B.I.T.C.H.S. and make this guy the first person inducted.
 
That is sad.:(


I kind of question why he would choose that time to propose though, and why she would even accept his proposal then.
 
Wow that is pretty.........not caring? I couldn't even come up with word for that.
 
Ummmmm...






Okay.......





well, there's just no accountin' for folks sometimes...


How is he behavior making you question yourself????
 
Alright maybe i am really going out on a limb here, but is there THE SLIGHTEST POSSIBILITY that somehow the couple might look at this happy beginning to a tragic ending?

Please, just listen for a minute.

Think about it. You are suddenly widowed and stricken with overwhelming pain. Someone who you knew and your deceased husband knew and perhaps was a friend to you BOTH comes into your life in a whole new capacity?

Did you ever think that perhaps they thought that HE might be happy for them both? That inspite of such pain and tragedy that two people were brought together to become more than just friends and neighbors.... but partners in life?

Who is to decide what is right and what is wrong. If my husband and I were still together and I died before him, I would NOT want him to be alone and mourn MY DEATH. I would want him instead to CELEBRATE MY LIFE WITH HIM BY BEING HAPPY AND IN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH A GOOD PERSON. What good would it do my husband or my children if he were alone and miserable? Would it make him a better father or a more loving spouse?

Call me Polyanna.



Either that.... or people or just tacky.
 
We are all making very big assumptions about how this lady felt having her husband die in 9/11 by passing judgement on her.

That in itself is not in good taste.
 
Wow. I wonder how long it took for the woman to finally cope with her husband's death and move on. It took less than a year for her to successfully do that? Quite amusing. Vinylgroover's right. We don't know how the relationship was between both of them.

Still tacky, though.
 
maybe they had a shitty marriage, and he fucked her best friend
and her sister while they were married. point is, who cares, you
can't look past someones front door, so it may not be that bad at
all.

but ya, she's probabaly a typical heartless, dumb bitch slut.
 
casavant said:
I hope she suffers a prolapse soon.
Click to expand...

Cas, you overgrown gorilla :) thats frigging mean.

I say good for her.

Isn't anyone happy for anyone these days?

Fonz
 
Maybe they made a pact and had an understanding that whoever survives gets to remarry. After all, wedding vows include "until death do us part." Morbid and tacky, but still her right.

Then again maybe he was doing more than just landscaping....
 
Dr.M said:
Hard to judge when your not in thier shoes, so give it a rest I say.
Click to expand...

I say judge the shit out of that sorry bitch.

Warik, where the fuck are you when you're needed?

Perhaps her vulva will rot off.
 
I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but the events surrounding this engagement comes across as very negative.

The day she should be thinking of her lost husband she is out blowing his next door neighbor - Bob. That's great. That's just real great.
 
1 year is a pretty short period of time, but I dont know how long they were married for either.
 
:devil:
If she and hubby had a solid relationship this is disrespectful to him. If they were not getting along in the first place then maybe she finally found happiness with the lawn boy.
 
George, alot of rough stuff there :(

As I said and as you've shown us, just no way for us to judge we are not in thier boots.
 
If a person wants to move on then let him/her do so.
Is there any given time on how long you should be mourning? If not then leave her alone.

Just my .02 cents
 
I don't see what is wrong and who anyone is to judge that.

She lost someone dear to her, how she deals with that is HER business... it could take days, weeks, months, years, or even NEVER to get over the loss.. but if she is going to move on tomorrow, why not move on today?


Brian
 
SofaGeorge said:
Velvette, I lost three before I was out of my 30s. How long does she have to wait to make you guys happy? Three years? Five years? Ten years?

I know this may be hard for any of you to understand, but grief is like a head injury. You walk around in a daze. You feel like you have a concusion. Your lucky if you can remember your own phone number... and you know what... after a while you are sick of it.

You don't want to spend forever feeling sad. Once you've cried for six straight months all you want to do is stop crying. You just don't want to be in "grief" anymore. You want to get on with life. Want? Hell, you fight to get back into life.

A lot of us start trying to date to soon after our spouses die. A lot of us who fall into the heading of young widows and widowers have to deal with all the spinning emotion of trying to put one foot in front of another just so we can go out to dinner and a movie with somebody when we start dating again... and just as your fighting to get on with living again - your heart is being pulled out of your fucking throat on that first date with every bite of dinner you try to eat.

The first girl I went out with was a grade A asshole. I wasn't a bad person or a mean person. I wasn't so uninteresting that she couldn't have at least sat through soup and pasta. Try to imagine what it is like the first time you get the balls up to go out on a date - and you get dumped like Typhoid Mary as soon as your date learns you are a widower. Getting dumped on your first date is really fun. (Don't ask for a doggy bag. You won't feel like eating.) My "date" made the same assumption so many others have... that there is some set time limit on how long you are supposed to wait... that there is a set time limit that is respectful to wait... that you are just a fucked up basket case for (FILL IN THE BLANK) amount of years... so you are to be properly avoided till then.

Guess what. You are ready to start dating WHEN YOU ARE READY. You are ready to get engaged WHEN YOU ARE READY. You are ready to marry again WHEN YOU ARE READY.

I watched my first fiancee disappear. Never to be heard from again. My second killed herself the year I met my wife. I married my wife in the Intensive Care Unit of the hospital... and when she went into a coma... I picked her unconscious up from the bed in the Emergency Room and carried her out the door... and walked a mile or so home with her in my arms because I promised her she could die at home.

I met my girlfriend a year and two months after my wife's funeral.

She was someone wonderful... someone spectacular. Was I supposed to tell her... oh... put your life on hold for a couple years until it is socailly acceptable for us to begin to see each other.

Fuck that. On my first wedding anniversary... my girlfriend celebrated it with me. She's a unique woman with intelligence,class and insight. Our house is filled with laughter... and it feels good.

Sorry to be such a socially unacceptable dickhead.
Click to expand...




whoa.
 
WAIT A MINUTE!!!


How long is this woman suppsose to wait before she moves on with her life? Some people grieve for a short time, some for quite a while, some not at all.

I fall into the first category, for some reason I don't grieve for a too long a period. I don't know why, I just dont. My wife took her 10 years to fully accept her brothers death. Why? I don't know that either. It's not important.

All anyone has is now. The past is just a fading memory that is colored by judgements. The future doesn't exist...Now is all there really is.
 
SG, Wow, that is a lot for one person...I am truly sorry for your loss.

I try to not be a judgmental person. I'm from a small town where judgmental is a cross between a sport and an art form. It isn't that the woman is engaged to be married it is rather the symbolism of doing it the week of her husbands death. An argument can be made for life goes on...overcoming tragedy blah blah blah but the choice to become engaged the week of his death seems to me to be disrespectful. Had she done it a week later or a week earlier it would not have the same connotation.

A friend of ours was killed in a car accident last year. Six months afrer his death his fiancee and his best friend were living together which gave the locals plenty to flap about...my take on it was that they probably are great comfort to each other because they both loved the deceased very much.
 
This thread shows how people try to turn real life into a soap opera day in and day out.

The woman waited a year. She dated her neighbor, someone who she had probably known for years, been friends with, and trusted. Was she fucking him while she was married? Maybe, but who are we to speculate and judge her for it?
 
Hey lighting flash!

I lost someone nearly ten years ago too - I wasn't married to him but I had known my entired life and dated for some time. I was devasted too and I too bounced back. I think about him often, especially when I have self doubts or if I have some big changes to go through. He was my childhood friend, my best friend, my mentor and my lover and there will never an exactly replacement of him.

My ONLY point is that I personally find it disrespectful to get engaged the same week as your husbands death.


Oh silly of me to be fucking romantic.

And how silly of me not to see the ease of celebrating your new love with the death of your first one all the very same week.
(What a savings in flowers that must be for them.)

Oh and M,

Married 10 years to my knowledge with an 8 year old boy.




And for the record - this woman happens to a wonderful warm and enveloping person - you can't not just totally love her. I just personally find the situation to be in bad taste. (The time of year not the actual moving on with her life.)
 
Nothing wrong with getting remarried, not for us to judge what the "acceptable" mourning period is but why on the anniversary of her husband's death?? Would be interested to know her side of the story.
 
Ffactor said:
Nothing wrong with getting remarried, not for us to judge what the "acceptable" mourning period is but why on the anniversary of her husband's death??
Click to expand...


That's what I've been trying say.
ACK!
:o
 
SofaGeorge said:
Fuck that. On my first wedding anniversary... my girlfriend celebrated it with me.
Click to expand...


You missed my point entirely.

When you and your girlfriend get engaged on the aniversary of your wife's death - then flip out on me.
 
In terms of a romantic notion, maybe they did it in honor of her departed husband? Never really know what goes on peoples personal lives.
 
velvett said:
Hey lighting flash!

My ONLY point is that I personally find it disrespectful to get engaged the same week as your husbands death.
Click to expand...

The same week A YEAR LATER. What would you have her say when the man asked her to marry him?

"Yes, I'd love to marry you, but I can't tell you 'yes' officially right now now. Wait another 2 weeks, when it's not the anniversary of the week of the time of the day of my husband's death, and then I'll tell you yes and we can say we're engaged."

You're judging someone based on the intricacies of the roman calendar. What if there were 15 months in a year, and the word "anniversary" didn't exist, would you still say it was in bad taste? Or what if it was the two year or the three year anniversary? Do you think her husband's spirit is pissed off?

So this is how old ladies gossip circles get started.:rolleyes:
 
bigguns7 said:


The same week A YEAR LATER. What would you have her say when the man asked her to marry him?

"Yes, I'd love to marry you, but I can't tell you 'yes' officially right now now. Wait another 2 weeks, when it's not the anniversary of the week of the time of the day of my husband's death, and then I'll tell you yes and we can say we're engaged."

You're judging someone based on the intricacies of the roman calendar. What if there were 15 months in a year, and the word "anniversary" didn't exist, would you still say it was in bad taste? Or what if it was the two year or the three year anniversary? Do you think her husband's spirit is pissed off?

So this is how old ladies gossip circles get started.:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Perhaps he should have had the common sense or decency to wait to ask until a better time.
 
Flame me, but i think one year is enough.
She isn´t disrespecting his memory, in my opinion, with being with another man.
 
havoc said:
My friends, judge yourselves not others, you will be better off.
Click to expand...

WORD.

If she is really such a nice lady then I don't see how there could REALLY be anything wrong. I mean, ok sure, it isn't something that YOU would want to do and that is fine. No one would hang you out to dry for it if it was YOUR PREFERENCE to wait until a different date. But I don't think it fair to hang her out to dry EITHER as this was clearly HER PREFERENCE.

The world is vast and there are as many ways to look at the same situation as there are the number of people in it. I don' t believe it to be fair to judge others with OUR frame of reference.

Similar things have been said about me and dating.

"Couldn't you have waited until your divorce was final?"

Ummmmm I have been TRYING to divorce for nearly TWO YEARS! How long is an acceptable amount of time to wait. If my husband were not giving me such a hard time and I was divorced just four months after I asked him to leave our bedroom then it would be OK, right?

It will be TWO YEARS in Jan of 2003 that my marriage died FOR GOOD. Some may say this is ample time to have moved on others may not. Obviously for me, it was AMPLE time and not for my ex... yet we are both involved in THE SAME situation.

Jesus, I can only HOPE that he finds some pussy soon so that he really DOES leave me alone.....:(
 
bigguns7 said:


Perhaps he should have. But what does this have to do with the woman?
Click to expand...

Well, I didn't interpret Velvett's post initially as just saying the woman was "wrong", just that the timing should have been better.

There's a lot of things we don't know about the situation, and like havoc said, it's better to worry about yourself.

I would just think that from his position, proposing on that date would be risky, because I would think there would be a chance that she would be greatly offended.
 
havoc said:
My friends, judge yourselves not others, you will be better off.
Click to expand...

Yep, we have our own shit to worry about dont we, this is why I dislike gossipers and tabloids, live your own lives instead of vicariously living someone elses telling them what losers they are because you would be so much better at it, prove it! :)
 
TheProject said:

I would just think that from his position, proposing on that date would be risky, because I would think there would be a chance that she would be greatly offended.
Click to expand...

looks like it turned out well for him.
 
:worried:Uuuuuh...well...I was just kind of fucking around with the whole prolapse/pussy rot thing. This thread just took a turn for the high dive section of the swimming pool, and I think it's time for me to lay out on a towel. Later.:worried:
 
casavant said:
:worried:Uuuuuh...well...I was just kind of fucking around with the whole prolapse/pussy rot thing. This thread just took a turn for the high dive section of the swimming pool, and I think it's time for me to lay out on a towel. Later.:worried:
Click to expand...

Me too... sorry to all. I'm deleting all of my posts off the thread.
 
Velvett is this the same women that you said was having trouble with her in laws? If it is, maybe part of this situation is being done to get back at them.
 
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