Short update on marriage problems

[chesty]

Well, we had our family day and it was quite nice. She told me that she is committed to change for her betterment and that if her feelings come back for me great if not, well. She can't promise one way or the other. Which I know. But our counselor did tell her that they will.

She told me that the area she wants me change in is in my implicit trust of her. If she can start to see that there is hope for something between us down the road. If I don't change and she can't see that chane in me over time, then there will be no hope for an us.

I then told her what I had been working on for a while. I told her that I cannot stay at the house right now, even with her gone. That it hurt and by what has transpired in the past with her Vegas trip it makes it hard to not be suspicious and to trust her completely at the moment. Especially since she feels I have no right to no for sure whether or not she ever did anything with him or not etc.

So I told her that I am letting her go. That she has no obligation to me any more. I told her that I do trust her and that I want her to pray for me to eradicate the suspicious heart and untrusting heart in me. I told her that I would from this point forward implicitly trust her and not be suspicious. But she will have to give me a month at least of no contact with here at all except for the 1-2 hours to talk kids and the one family day. Max. If problems develop such as car/house problems she needs to call someone else. Not somebody she has met at a bar of course. When she calls she is let it ring through to the voice mail and leave message for what she wants. To call her back, whatever. I told her that if she sees it is me calling to hang it up without speaking or not answer it at all.

After a month, I pray that things will have started t dramatically improve for each of us individually and as a couple. She knows what my ultimate goals are:

1. to be a better person
2. to be reunited with her as her husband

She did tell me that she needs trust from me. And if she see's it there is hope. If not, there is no hope.

 

[sweed]

I wish you all the best of luck in your situation. I hope to hear good news in a month. Hang in there bor!

 

[chesty]

Thanks. Me too. One day at a time. I just have to get over my fear of losing her because I am not there and to trust in God and her that she will change for the better as I will and that this will bring us together and not drive us farther apart.

 

[Werd]

Thanks. Me too. One day at a time. I just have to get over my fear of losing her because I am not there and to trust in God and her that she will change for the better as I will and that this will bring us together and not drive us farther apart.

I can't speak for your wife because I don't know her AT ALL.

But if it will help any. If my ex (you know the sitch) had NOT raised his hand to me AND had gone through only ONE HALF the attempt that you are going through to try and be a better man FOR HIMSELF... I can tell you WITHOUT QUESTION -

WE WOULD STILL BE MARRIED TODAY.

Not the bullshit facade marriage we had... but a real, honest, loving union of mutual respect, kindness and friendship.

I hope for all of your sakes that your wife will find the strength to face up to her shortcomings the way that you seem to be facing up to yours.

It doesn't matter who is the one that tries to improve themselves first.... In this situation - IT IS OBVIOUSLY YOU.

What matters is that it is being done. The worst thing that will happen, is that your marriage will not be salvaged - but your children will most certainly reap the benefit of having AT LEAST ONE PARENT that doesn't have their head so far up their behind that they are paralyzed by fear to see the light of day.

I wish you nothing but happiness.

Chesty, I know you can do this. Self-realization is half the battle... From here you only have one direction to head:

UP!

 

[chesty]

Amen!

 

[WODIN]

Good luck my man.

 

[chesty]

Thanks. This is a tough pill to swallow.

 

[confid12000]

Chesty, I can see you are a good man. Maybe too good... And I think you are doing the very right thing by trying to stay away from your wife for a month. This will sound horrible, specially knowing how you must be feeling. But I believe you must try and be less dependent from your wife if you are to behave how you should to get her back. In other words, you have to be prepared to be yourself, BIG CHESTY, even if your wife is not there.

I am awfully sorry because I am sure this sounds horrible at this stage. But I was once in a situation not too disimilar. I was so dependent on my wife that I thought I could even kill myself without her. Seriously. When we had problems I went to the shrink and, although he was crap like most shrinks, I realized that I had to be myself even without her. Even if she wasn't there for me I would still have a life to live. We are still married and happy today (more than 10 years later), but that is not the point. The point is that only when I realized I was someone without her, when I valued myself properly, things started straightening up.

Again, sorry if I sound like an asshole. Maybe I am. But keep up, my friend, because I am sure you are worth it. On your own. Without needing anybody else. Good luck.

 

[chesty]

You are right. I have to be able to let her go and be able to change on my own. If I do not, then she will not see the changes and I will become a better person. Yes, it hurts, but right now it is not as bad as it would have been. I realize now that she will do or say whatever she wants. Constructive or destructive. Her choice. If she truly is wanting to be a better person then she will have to honor the promises she made to me and the counselor. Otherwise she will not make it and end up worse than before.

 

[Gymgurl]

Chesty hang in there. Just remeber, no matter what you can go on without her. You choose to love her and you can can choose to go on. I'm praying for your marriage and hope everything works out! You are one hell of a man for working at it the way that you are!!

 

[chesty]

Thanks! It is nice to hear. I never, ever want to go through this again. This is the worst way to rediscover your emotions. Like Data from Star Trek when he got his emotion chip. Went from nothing to everything in 1 second!

Overload! Just keep praying. 1 month check up (we still see counselor for the whole time) is on May 24th. Not that it is set in stone, but that is 30 days from today. Then there is June, July, etc. Just pray for her friend to let her go as well and go get things right with God and her and us and the kids

 

[chesty]

Well, first night without seeing her or talking to her. So far it is not bad, but it is hard to trust the Lord to work his miracles. Not only in and through me, but through her that she see's God working in me and through me and her heart opens up again.

Keep praying all.

 

[rpol]

I will keep you daily in my prayers brother.Pm me anytime bro I have been there.

 

[chesty]

How did it turn out?

 

[BrandonXJ]

as always, keeping the fingers crossed for you bro.

 

[rpol]

Sent ya a PM

 

[awittyusername]

Bro, I know how bad you feel. I've been there.

But, If I'm following your story right.....And, she went to vegas with or met another guy, is possibly seeing someone (a "friend"), is meeting people at bars, Then, you have every right not to trust her. She is using your Trust issue as an excuse to push blame on you. Trust me I know it works, because it has happened to me and I fell for it. I also know how weak it makes you. But, remember she is the weak one. She is weak, because when things are not perfect she goes out and does things that a wife and a mother should not be doing. In reality, you are the strong one. You are in counceling and trying to keep family together. You are not out trying to raise your low self esteem by going out and meeting other people. So, like the others here hve been saying. You are a good MAN.

Good job for letting her go for a month. That is hard. But, remember to get back together its not up to your trust issues. Its her actions.

And, if you do get back together. Make sure its because she loves you and wants to be with you forever. (not until the next time she decides shes going to vegas). And, make sure she isn't coming back to you, because it didnt work out with someone else. You deserve better. Your family deserves better. Because, if she comes back for the wrong reasons. It will be that much harder on the kids the next time you have problems.

If I read into the situation wrong. Then, ignore this post.

Good Luck.

 

[lucidblue]

You are right. I have to be able to let her go and be able to change on my own. If I do not, then she will not see the changes and I will become a better person. Yes, it hurts, but right now it is not as bad as it would have been. I realize now that she will do or say whatever she wants. Constructive or destructive. Her choice. If she truly is wanting to be a better person then she will have to honor the promises she made to me and the counselor. Otherwise she will not make it and end up worse than before.

Chesty, like I said before you just need to set your own timeline and nobody needs to know it but you. If you don't see the love, respect, feelings and commitment you're looking for from her by that time, then you need to move on. You just need to be sure you can stick to that decision. You know what is best for you. My prayers are with you and your family. .

 

[TxLonghorn]

Good luck. I don't know all the details, but it sounds pretty rough.

 

[chesty]

Thanks, my timeline is sometime during the next 6 months. If no improvement, then it is done. If there is improvement then we keep at it. The counselor said it could be a few weeks before I could move back home or it could be six months. She is hoping that it won't take quite that long for us to reconcile, but you never know.

Also, still have some obstacles in the way. She wants to go Vegas again with her girlfriend in July over the weekend. The counsleor has already said that family day and the day we meet at a specified time to talk about the kids is not to be altered or missed for any reason. If they are, the consistancy of actions that builds trust in a relationship will be broken and we could digress or stall. She doesn't like that, but hey, that is one of those decisions that you need to make is your family more important than anything else or are they secondary to your friends wishes?

Plus, Vegas will always be there and we can go as a family at any time once the counselor lets us spend more time together or after we are done.

Her friend (a girl, but part of the problem) will always have another birthday.

 

[Viking850]

The counselor said it could be a few weeks before I could move back home or it could be six months. She is hoping that it won't take quite that long for us to reconcile, but you never know.

Chesty, Sometimes when your in a certain high stress/emotional situations, you need someone that is not involved to give you guidance because high emotions can distort logic and perceptions of reality. Anyway, my opinion is that the counselor has no business telling you when you can move back home. That is a decision YOU should make when and if YOU are ready.

"She wants to go Vegas again with her girlfriend in July over the weekend. The counsleor has already said that family day and the day we meet at a specified time to talk about the kids is not to be altered or missed for any reason. If they are, the consistancy of actions that builds trust in a relationship will be broken and we could digress or stall. She doesn't like that, but hey, that is one of those decisions that you need to make is your family more important than anything else or are they secondary to your friends wishes?"

I'm sorry if this sound harsh, but the above is complete bullshit! You are emotionally hurting and going to counseling. And she is going to Vegas to party? Why the hell is she not spending her time with the kids and her spare time thinking about how she is going to make this relationship work instead?

Look, in your initial post you said she does not know if "her feelings for you will come back." She has also admitted to seeing someone else. You need to turn this whole thing around and take control. YOU need to be the one making the descisons here and not her. Take charge of this whole thing right now and let the chips fall where they may. I realize you have kids, but damn, you have to have some respect for yourself. Right now she has all the power and gets to decide what happens. This needs to change immediately! Remember, there are thousands of women out there that would love to have someone like you as a spouse. If she is really serious about making this work, then she will not go to Vegas. You need to tell her this. What the hell right does she have to question you about trust issues when she has admitted to seeing someone else? Tell her you have trust issues BECAUSE SHE HAS CHEATED ON YOU! Tell her this is totally unacceptable and if it happens again you will divorce her. Never let any woman put you in this kind of postion where your doing everything to make things work and she still does not know if she has feelings for you!

I'm not trying to be harsh, but this is exactly what happened to one of my best friends. I gave him this same advice. He did not listen. He is still married and totally miserable.

 

[awittyusername]

Chesty, Viking is right on the money.

Thousands of girls would love to have a family man like you. She has no respect for you or your kids. If her behavior continues it will definately make your kids lives difficult.

My advice tell her to stop the nonsence now! No going out w/friends or vegas, etc. Just being a the wife and mother she is supposed to be. If not ask for a divorce.

It will be hard. But, someday when your with someone who loves you and respects you (and your kids), you will not believe how good life can be.

Good luck. And, be strong we are all pulling for you.