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It's early this year, but to start the holiday shopping season, I have already done my first "Hip check Fat Bastard into the boards" move on some hapless, corpulent, bespectacled fuckface.
I was getting a present for Numba 2 Son, it was his 6th bday yesterday, and we got the green in the mail from Granny Warbucks and he could 'get whatever he wants' (I was waiting for him to pick Missy Milfenrack in the musical toys section of the toy store, but he just isn't quite there yet, maybe next year.. LOL).
So, we are looking at the latest Saturday Morning Cartoon Turned Marketing Ploy Toy and Tubby O'Cackless decides to push my 6 year old kid out of the way so he can get at a display rack of HotWheels Wanabees that are on sale. Rude, tastless (get the real Hotwheel for your kid, Ebeneezer) and now with a bullseye on his ass, Nerdy has no idea he has ignited Cheffy Transformer Rhino Dude into a frothing wigfest.
Mrs. Chef see's the steam puffing out my nostrils so she moves in to the way to try the Inocent Partner Blocking Maneuver, but this bald bastard has seen that one before and is having none of that 'Easy honey, just breath.' bullpoop this time around.
I smile at her and wink and feign walking the other way, she falls for it hard and lets down her Lunatic Husband Tracking System just a bit too early. I haul ass around the other aisle and catch Fudgy the Whale leaning precariously over the Tube Racer sets to get at some toy that he will certainly not get his kid because its not on sale or made from depleted uranium.
Like a stealth panther I slide first up the aisle past two kids trying to break multiple toys on their younger siblings cranium, dart first left then right and hip check that fat fuckface right over the Tube Racers into the wall of stacked toys sending him and about 1.365 gazillion boxes flying. I cut left again so fast that the kids doing the Blunt Force Trauma Boogy on Little Jimmy didn't even see me within 10 feet of this guy when Mt. Toyatowa blew its magma dome.
Yes there were some raised voices, the 'sorry, i didn't see you there.' would have worked if my wife hadn't called me a 'jerk' in front of the security guard, we paid and left, my wife spent an extra five minutes inside the store with the manager gesturing wildly with her hands and rolling her eyes like that Pea Soup Cutie in the Exorcist, both of them looking out every now and again at the Criminal in the Minivan with those three, poor boys.
There wasn't much adult conversation on the way home, but my son winked at me twice: once after he stopped laughing at Philly Fatfuckface laying in a pile of imitation Beyblade's and once when we successfully escaped the store. Made it all worth while.
I was getting a present for Numba 2 Son, it was his 6th bday yesterday, and we got the green in the mail from Granny Warbucks and he could 'get whatever he wants' (I was waiting for him to pick Missy Milfenrack in the musical toys section of the toy store, but he just isn't quite there yet, maybe next year.. LOL).
So, we are looking at the latest Saturday Morning Cartoon Turned Marketing Ploy Toy and Tubby O'Cackless decides to push my 6 year old kid out of the way so he can get at a display rack of HotWheels Wanabees that are on sale. Rude, tastless (get the real Hotwheel for your kid, Ebeneezer) and now with a bullseye on his ass, Nerdy has no idea he has ignited Cheffy Transformer Rhino Dude into a frothing wigfest.
Mrs. Chef see's the steam puffing out my nostrils so she moves in to the way to try the Inocent Partner Blocking Maneuver, but this bald bastard has seen that one before and is having none of that 'Easy honey, just breath.' bullpoop this time around.
I smile at her and wink and feign walking the other way, she falls for it hard and lets down her Lunatic Husband Tracking System just a bit too early. I haul ass around the other aisle and catch Fudgy the Whale leaning precariously over the Tube Racer sets to get at some toy that he will certainly not get his kid because its not on sale or made from depleted uranium.
Like a stealth panther I slide first up the aisle past two kids trying to break multiple toys on their younger siblings cranium, dart first left then right and hip check that fat fuckface right over the Tube Racers into the wall of stacked toys sending him and about 1.365 gazillion boxes flying. I cut left again so fast that the kids doing the Blunt Force Trauma Boogy on Little Jimmy didn't even see me within 10 feet of this guy when Mt. Toyatowa blew its magma dome.
Yes there were some raised voices, the 'sorry, i didn't see you there.' would have worked if my wife hadn't called me a 'jerk' in front of the security guard, we paid and left, my wife spent an extra five minutes inside the store with the manager gesturing wildly with her hands and rolling her eyes like that Pea Soup Cutie in the Exorcist, both of them looking out every now and again at the Criminal in the Minivan with those three, poor boys.
There wasn't much adult conversation on the way home, but my son winked at me twice: once after he stopped laughing at Philly Fatfuckface laying in a pile of imitation Beyblade's and once when we successfully escaped the store. Made it all worth while.
