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BrothaBill
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Washington, D.C. - According to the recent findings of the nonprofit American Self-Esteem Foundation (ASEF), you are not special at all. You, your friends and family members are neither special, unique, nor are you possessing of any singular gifts or talents. In effect, you are just a random cell combination similar to billions of other random cell combinations that serve no other purpose than to suck air and collaborate in the collective food chain.
The full report, commissioned by private sources, will be released early next week, and researchers are expecting the findings to cause controversy, especially those which compare the average school child to that of simple pond bacteria.
"There's absolutely nothing in the world wrong with being totally unspecial and unimportant in the grand scheme of things," lead researcher Charles Umbert said. "Just like God has no special plan for sea plankton, he also has no special plan for little Timmy or little Sally or any of your doltish offspring -- no matter how much you want to think otherwise."
Not only does the report give ample proof of your total unimportance and general ineffectiveness but it incorporates why you are mostly unlikable, why you will continue to fail at most tasks and why it wouldn't matter if you were never born at all.
"We did extensive analysis of theories popularized by [children's television host] Fred Rogers as well as the more adult-centered philosophies of motivational speaker and author Anthony Robbins," Umbert said. "What we found is that these greedy, money-hungry con artists are falsely and indiscriminately telling people they are valuable, constructive and special members of society with important roles to play no matter how unintelligent, uneducated or unattractive they are. We'd like to stop this kind of dangerous thinking. There is no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy and if you die tomorrow, it doesn't really matter—except there would be more air and food for the rest of us."
Furthermore, the report states that low functioning children and unattractive adults in particular are only unique in that they are easily duped into thinking that they can overcome such disabilities and that they have other, more important qualities, which, in the long run, will overshadow their obvious shortcomings.
"I'm sorry it just doesn't really matter. You will fail," Umbert said. "And if you want to find out just exactly how and why, then please go to your local bookstore and order the full report. All four volumes will be made available to the public for the unheard of price of just $129.00 or $200 for you super-unimportant Canadians."
The full report, commissioned by private sources, will be released early next week, and researchers are expecting the findings to cause controversy, especially those which compare the average school child to that of simple pond bacteria.
"There's absolutely nothing in the world wrong with being totally unspecial and unimportant in the grand scheme of things," lead researcher Charles Umbert said. "Just like God has no special plan for sea plankton, he also has no special plan for little Timmy or little Sally or any of your doltish offspring -- no matter how much you want to think otherwise."
Not only does the report give ample proof of your total unimportance and general ineffectiveness but it incorporates why you are mostly unlikable, why you will continue to fail at most tasks and why it wouldn't matter if you were never born at all.
"We did extensive analysis of theories popularized by [children's television host] Fred Rogers as well as the more adult-centered philosophies of motivational speaker and author Anthony Robbins," Umbert said. "What we found is that these greedy, money-hungry con artists are falsely and indiscriminately telling people they are valuable, constructive and special members of society with important roles to play no matter how unintelligent, uneducated or unattractive they are. We'd like to stop this kind of dangerous thinking. There is no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy and if you die tomorrow, it doesn't really matter—except there would be more air and food for the rest of us."
Furthermore, the report states that low functioning children and unattractive adults in particular are only unique in that they are easily duped into thinking that they can overcome such disabilities and that they have other, more important qualities, which, in the long run, will overshadow their obvious shortcomings.
"I'm sorry it just doesn't really matter. You will fail," Umbert said. "And if you want to find out just exactly how and why, then please go to your local bookstore and order the full report. All four volumes will be made available to the public for the unheard of price of just $129.00 or $200 for you super-unimportant Canadians."
that's funny!!!
