Well thank you. Seriously, I just started writing about ed issues and all of the sudden I'd look up and reread it and think "Holy shit when did I figure all this stuff out about my life". So I was thinking of bikinimom and how she told me to print things that inspired me. Well I inspired me. lol So I saved what I wrote so when I'm having an awful day, I can remember why I choose to fight for me. I just feel like I've found myself in the past couple of months...and I can say that elite has played a roll in that. I view my body in a completely different light now.
I guess my theory is that ultimately you come to a point where you can fight for your body or fight your body. Well, if I look at it honestly, fighting my body has never worked for me. So it's pretty much a waste of time. When I'm sitting around hating myself and engaging in counterproductive activies in hopes of accepting myself, I'm not living my life. I'm existing in a state of self-imposed misery. No event is going to make me accept myself. No weight, no number, no other person. It is MY decision to accept myself, flaws and all.
Yes eds are about control. We want to feel in control. Well, it takes a hell of a lot more control for me to eat a clean diet and kick my ass in the gym day after day than it does to eat 4 tic tacs per week or binge/purge. For anyone who doesn't believe that, I'd encourage them to try it for a while. Not only will you feel better, but you'll see changes in your body that will make you smile every time you look in the mirror. I used to see the waify thin form as some sort of ideal. Well, I've been there and I just about killed myself in the process. So I put myself through that-- and you know what, I felt even worse about myself. Now I see beautiful women on these boards and in my gym and am SO inspired by the hard work and determination it takes for them to have the lean healthy bodies. That's what I want.
If someone is judging their life numerically-- judging themself by a tag on pants of a number on a scale, they're NEVER going to be happy. #'s aren't magic. There isn't one that we can attain and have all of our problems go away. Even with BB and body fat, it's amazing to set healthy/reasonable goals and accomplish them....but it's not some magic event at which time you suddenly love your body and all the BS you've gone through doesn't hurt anymore.
And Wlibbe, I think a better sig for you would be "I can't control what happens in my life but I can completely control how I choose to deal with what those situations". We all have SO much control. When everything falls apart we can sit down, whine about how unfair life can be, hate ourselves, and pout. Or we can think "that sucks, time to move on". That's a choice. People forget that. You can choose to be sick or you can say "I'm fucking sick of this. I want more for myself". It's as simple as that.
And once you hit that point and decide you want more for yourself, you withdraw from unhealthy relationships, surround yourself with supportive people, read as much as you can about what's good for you, and spend every hour choosing to fight. Nobody deserves to settle for the life an eating disorder brings. That doesn't mean that the the old habits disappear, that the thoughts go away, but remember, you have a choice....and you have to make it for yourself. You can't get better for anyone else. You fight because you realize that you want to live the life you deserve.
. I guess your words just really tapped a nerve for me, I've been thinking hard about them all day. I'm hoping that others are affected by them too. If truth be told, I've been hearing things from a number of people lately that have made me hit the 'pause' button and look around at the mess of my life. Your words compounded those others. Thank you. Even though they weren't to me directly they do seem to have evoked something in me. I hope that this wave of sadness doesn't leave me too soon because it's only feelings like these that can give me an impetus to change. All too often I have felt this way, only to return to that comfortable state of numbness the next day 
. I have to face the music sometime though, right? We all do. I respect you so much for having faced it and tackled it sooner rather than later. You rock 
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