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Partner is getting fat and affecting our relationship?

S

shoichi

New member
I'll try and shorten this up and it may be nothing more than I'm shallow (which some people have told me) and insensitive. My girlfriend and I met about three years ago and we both smoked, were in the worst shape of our lives and just lived an unhealthy lifestyle. During that time I decided I wanted to get back into shape - we had both been into sports/recreational activities all our lives and I thought it really bugged both of us.

So I eventually quit smoking and got back into really good shape. It took along time and so I tried to be patient with her as well. She always says she's going to quit smoking and start working out but it never happens. And now it's getting to the point where I'm completely physically unattracted to her and I can't stand laying next to her when she smells like smoke. I've tried to explain the smoking thing, tried to get her on the patch and medication, tried positive reinforcement with working out and nutrition, and I took up the sports she used to be good at in an attempt to get her into stuff she was into. Then I tried a slow approach and just tried to get her to walk - but all of this has failed.

Maybe I am shallow and should just love her for who she is - but it's hard when I don't even want to hug her. I mean she's not overly obese - maybe 5'6 165? BF unsure about...but I am completely physically unattracted to her. During the summer I didn't even want to go to the beach or anywhere with her. Should I just break it off and do my own thing? It's gotten particularly bad within the last 6 months now that I work at two gyms - one of which is kind of a trendy pick up place type. Opinions or suggestions would really help me here.
 
In the beginning of every relationship partners want to look their best, but when time goes by some people get so comfortable and stop caring about those details that make us feel attracted to our partner. I consider very important that partners always try to get attractive for each other, I don't know... it is hard to love somebody if they don't love themselves first.
 
You cant change someones habits..i know if I was in that situation I would leave...you are obviously not happy...you are young..I really dont think it is shallow...you are being honest. She is who she is...and u are who you are..you have to take it for what it is...move on and take it as one of life's many experiences.
 
I can see where the smoking would kill a realtionship. I could never be with a smoker.

If she is 5'6 and 165#, that isn't exactly obese enough to be ashamed of sleeping next to or take to the beach. That seems shallow. IMO.
 
I don't think you are shallow - the smell of smoke really repulses me as well. It's human nature not to be attacted to things we find unattractive - by that I mean, if you thought obesity was gross before, just because you love someone doesn't mean you will love the obesity as well if they become obese.

If she won't even go for a WALK with you, that seems like something is wrong! Is she depressed? I almost get that impression. Do you have any idea WHY she is so resistant to returning to her former athletic self? Might be worth exploring that.

Otherwise, yes, if you've changed, move on.
 
spatts said:
disrespect for the human body, just the concept that a person would PREFER to harm him/herself can be a turn off.
Click to expand...

OMG - SO TRUE! A friend of mine has some of the most atroscious health habits - in addition to smoking & being sedentary, he literally starves himself with ONE MEAL A DAY! GRRR! :mad: Of course all his natural muscle is atrophied, & his posture is hideous. I constantly want to poke him in the back when in his presence to sit up straight & tuck his shoulder blades down & back. For goodness sake, look respectable. :rolleyes: Ugh.
 
spatts said:
Sometimes the physical attributes are secondary to the real thing that's turning a person off. Laziness, disrespect for the human body, just the concept that a person would PREFER to harm him/herself can be a turn off. The person doesn't CARE enough about their own wellbeing....and I find that to be a turn off.
Click to expand...

Very well said Spatts. :)
 
I don't know from your post if you are shallow or not, but all long term relationships ebb and flow. If you truely are superficial and shallow, I doubt that you will have the desire to work through the down times and find the up side (if there is one). Be careful though, looking to someone else for answers to your life..... I applaude your seeking knowledge before taking action though!

We do change as we age; goals, desires, opinions, emotions, and even our very being. Chances are you both have changed in many ways since meeting, and this shall continue until your deaths. She might be just as dissatisfied with the relationship as you, but more accepting of it for whatever reason. I have been through what you are going through a few times myself, it isn't fun.

All this to say, I recommend that you work out what you really want in a relationship before you DO anything. (If you already think you know the answer, you are lost and don't even realize it yet. ;={o> ) Taking action now you risk tossing a less-than-perfect long term relationship that has some committment and values, for a sleek shiny new one that will eventually have it's own set of difficulties. This will lead you full circle back to this same place. (Been there, done that, complete waste of time and energy.) You might want to figure out who/what you are in her eyes at the same time. Self-evaluation is always helpful for self-correction and outside observation is a useful tool.

If you don't know where to begin, get a relationship counselor. Not a shrink to tell you how you SHOULD think and feel, but someone that has been there and can help you figure out for yourself what is best for YOU in the long haul. This is the difference between someone teaching you about weights and excercise, versus someone showing you the proper form and coaching you on what works best for your needs. Not sure where you are located, but if you need help locating someone to assist shoot me an email.
 
Don't feel bad. It's only natural to want to be with someone that takes pride in their health. My hubby smoked before we started dating and I told him I would not date a smoker so he could either quit or find someone else. He quit obviously. Also we had issues in our marriage where he did not workout in the begining and it was a turn off in my eyes. I don't think I was being shallow, but I felt he thought now that he's married he could let himself go. That was a blow to my self esteem becuase I was feeling that I was not good enough to want to impress. To sum it up, I agree with what Spatt said.
 
I have the same problem. After marriage, *I* was the one that changed (for the better) so I feel like I have no right to push my SO to change with me, even if the smoke is repulsive. I am still madly in love, but the lust lights are low. Leaving isn't really an option - I think that would be shallow of me - but I don't have any easy answers either. My SO has good intentions, just zero conviction. It's too hard to eat well and too time consuming to go to the gym... or something.
 
I'm not sure but I didn't see anything mentioning this ... but does she KNOW exactly how you feel? If you are considering leaving her anyway, why not detail out your feelings and take the chance that she will see you through? Make sure you come across as you are concerned for her well-being and health ... as well as something that you could both enjoy together. Also, if she is not healthy now and you do get married, what happens when she gets pregnant? if she doesn't want to get fit now ... she will probably use pregnancy as another means to "let go" of herself.

just MHO though
 
w84me said:
I'm not sure but I didn't see anything mentioning this ... but does she KNOW exactly how you feel? If you are considering leaving her anyway, why not detail out your feelings and take the chance that she will see you through? Make sure you come across as you are concerned for her well-being and health ... as well as something that you could both enjoy together. Also, if she is not healthy now and you do get married, what happens when she gets pregnant? if she doesn't want to get fit now ... she will probably use pregnancy as another means to "let go" of herself.

just MHO though
Click to expand...


This was my point in seeking some wise counsel. If communications is not working using the normal channels, it is helpful sometimes to try something different. A guided program of communication is quite helpful in getting back on the same wavelength.

Nax and Spats, give it a try. You might be pleasantly surprised at the results.
 
I think it is only natural to desire your S/O to better themselves physically and to take care of their health. While I can relate to what your feeling in a sense, as my S/O does not work out, I agree with what BE posted. Try the caring approach instead of the physical attractiveness aspect. I have discussed working out with my boyfriend for his health and he is just not into this scene. However, since expressing my concern for his unhealthy eating habits, he has been more open and willing to try new healthier foods. It probably helped that he sees what an unhealthy eating lifestyle has affected his parents. :)

Good luck and I wish you the best!
 
The case is clearly not one of not caring about them as a person, or we probably wouldn't still be with them. The problem is that sex is a big part of most relationships and when physical attractiveness wanes, it causes other areas to suffer. It's such a touchy subject and we don't want to be insensitive, but when the SO wonders "where has the passion gone" sometimes... what do you say?
I, too, have tried to express my concern for his health in general, but I suspect he is going to be one of those who has to actually have a heart attack to see the damage he is doing. It's extraordinarily frustrating.
 
well, to me it looks like both your interests and priorities have changed over the years - you went into BB, while she didn't. you said that when you met, both of you were in a bad shape, but back then you apparently were attracted to her and fell in love with her. maybe you saw something wonderful about her, which was beyond the physical. could it be that you can't see that wonderful side of her now, because of your great interest in BB? how would you feel, if she went into quantum physics, for example, and later on decided to dump you because you guys don't share the same interest in this subject?

but, if you really don't want to be with her anymore, for whatever reasons, then don't drag it on - in the end you will both regret it and you m9ight end up hating each other.
 
how about for the next few 'special' occasions ... you purchase a few training sessions with a trainer you trust that won't over gruel her & challenge her to get back in to shape ... or a free month at the gym ... over time, instead of going out to dinner, or jewelry ... keep the hints going. She may end getting fed up over what she calls "insensitive" gifts. Or, she may actually take the challenge.
 
I don't think you're shallow but I think you hate the person you were and the person you love (or loved) reminds you of who you were before.











...and it bothers you.
 
Thanks everyone - I'm really overwhelmed with the amount of quality replies.

There were alot of good points, suggestions, and different perceptions that never crossed my mind. velvett - your right. I hated being unhealthy, out of shape, and in my mind - just not where I wanted to be. w84me - that's an awesome idea but the only problem is....well I am a trainer. And that's a large part of the problem as well; I work with people all day who are in excellent shape and train people who want to be in that healthier category. And when I hear her say how she wants to do all these things but doesn't, I think she's exactly like one of the people who I talk to who wants to do things but will never do it. She has actually told me on several occasions to stop talking to her like one of my clients. I scheduled some time off soon so I can get away from the gym atmosphere. People tell me I have taken this way too seriously but it is a lifestyle change.

Millie, you had a really good point IMO. I don't have much to say but that really hit me, I'll definitely think it over.

Naxis, you pretty much summed up what I was trying to say but didn't say outright. I value alot of physical attractness even though it's not what caught my attention the first time. She's hilarious and we get along really well. However 1) I don't think I could see her dating other people and I know she feels the same so just being friends is kind of painful and 2) I am just not attracted to her. And if 3 years into the relationship she's letting herself go - what will happen if we get married? I'm 21...and maybe I won't care about this as much in the future....but...sex is important to me. Especially when you don't have it at all anymore because you aren't attracted to your S/O and they just aren't in the "mood".

And lastly, BigEasy, your right. We've tried going to our friends but none of our friends really get along with each other. I hang out with primarily people who are really active, and she hangs out with people who...just share different interests. I'm not one to judge - I've done lots of bad things in my life. Though she is really important to me. I'm going to take some time off of work and try to spend some time with her and cut the frequency of my workouts down (I can't completely cut them off - I'd simply be cheating myself). Thanks for all the replies/suggestions/help.
 
Hey guy , as a man that has been married for over twenty years , i can speak from experience . Twenty three years ago i met my wife , we dated , then after dating for a couple of years , we got married . Life was fantastic back then . I have always been into lifting and have always loved it . She has never wanted to workout or anything athletic . I really didn't know it back then or even give it much thought . When female bodybuilding came along, i was like WOW , I LOVE muscles on women , I love the look in their eyes and the look of confidence in their faces and the way they walk , the sheer beauty that exudes from a woman who is very strong and sure of herself . Naturally I wanted to get my wife involved in liftin more than ever , didn't happen . This has gone on for many years , me trying to get her involved . Over time , we've just grown apart more and more , I would be THRILLED beyond belief if she would come to the gym with me and lift and begin to feel the incredible sensation of being strong and visibly muscular . I don't know how the women here feel or what drives them , but I think it's gotta be somewhere along those lines . Maybe I am wrong , but I know that I love being muscular and very strong , so I would think that women would love that too . If she doesn't respond soon, I would definitely think about moving on , I believe that you can find a woman who has most, if not all of the things that your current has , but also has the mindset that you speak of .
Just my two cents worth, thanks
 
My bf knows exactly how you feel. Last year he broke up with me he told me I was fat. Well I was 185lbs at 5'4. I was always saying I needed to loose weight but I never had the motivation to do so. When he told me this YES it did hurt me like hell. I did something about it. I started a diet and lost weight I still have some toneing up to do and I would like to loose more weight. I don't look in the mirror anymore and think I look awful. Now he is attracted to me again and I am glad he said what he did.

I am not saying be as cruel as he was but maybe she needs motivation. If she truely loves you she will loose weight. I really can't say much about the smoking. I know the smell is bad, I wouldn't want to deal with it.
 
my wife would have to be serious about some physical sport.
i dont even care if its bb or pl or something way else like swimming or jumping or WHATEVER.
but she would have to have some drive some need to improve her body and respect it.

i suppose this is very wrong but people who dont just seem to weak to me.
 
shoichi said:
People tell me I have taken this way too seriously but it is a lifestyle change.

Click to expand...

how can you be too serious about taking care of yourself? before i met my husband, i worked out. somewhere along the line i quit, he always worked out. i didn't for several years, and i eventually looked in the mirror and hated what i saw. my primary motivation to get in the gym was to lose weight and like myself again. now my motivation isn't really motivation. i love it. if i don't go, i feel bad. i think its time to say something
 
Just loved what Dudelift wrote about us girls with muscles. My hubby likes the look too-good thing cause I would'nt change it for nothing.-Valerie
 
These are some really awesome answers to a really tuff question! Thank God you asked here & not on the chat board! :)

I think a good thing to keep in mind when you are considering where you are in life & where she is, is your age. I've chatted w/ a lot of the guys on this board who are younger & complain about their girlfriends & I remember what I was like way back when ... I really dont' think girls are comfortable w/ themselves until they hit close to 30. Particularly when you are just coming out of the teen years its sooo freekin hard when you aren't one of those perfect size 4 girls w/ no fat. Then when someone gets on your case about how you look, sometimes the reaction is to do absolutely nothing and possibly even rebel against it alittle.

I think its really neat that you've been able to stay together for 3 years thru those wild times from your teens into your 20s - you are obviously "finding" yourself faster than she is. You might sit down w/ her and ask her about her priorities -- i.e. does she want to keep smoking?? In there you can say that you have chosen this lifestyle & its important to you & you'd like to share it with her. Its very hard to make someone go to the gym who just isn't into it. She may even be jealous of the time you spend in the gym w/ all those hot looking clients. Sounds like you've already tried to get her involved in stuff. It may be appropriate to just state that you have chosen this lifestyle, its important to you and will affect how you move forward in your life. If her lifestyle doesn't fit your lifestyle, it may be better that you move on. Tell her that - not in a mean way, but in a matter of fact way such that you would like to share at least a small part of that with her and its her choice. If she doesn't want to share any part of that, then it will most likely become a bigger issue and result in bad feelings down the road. This may be something that a relationship counselor could help with.

At least with the smoking, let her know you think its disgusting & its her choice to stop or not, but you don't want any part of it and you are having a hard time accepting that habit as part of your relationship with her. You might also suggest a diet something like a "cleansing diet" to help her move the smoking residue out of her body quicker and that might lead into thewhole "healthier lifestyle" thing. Just a thought... :)

Good luck!
 
I agree with the idea about seeing a counselor. Only the very wise and committed can resolve these kinds of things on a chat board, or with no outside help. There may be other factors at work you aren't very aware of, that a professional may be able to help you with.

Please be aware, this person loved you when *you* didn't look so special, and deserves the same courtesy. I can understand that if a smell is nauseating, it is nauseating, but I don't buy the idea that what attracts one visually is carved in stone. What attracts one visually is a learned response and culturally conditioned. ( I just went for a walk outside and three, count them, THREE separate cars full of Hispanic men rode by and made approving comments about my figure!!) Since I have been thinking critically about the weight issue, I have changed the way I see fat people, and not everything looks so hideously ugly to me anymore. I like the way the models in magazines like Mode and Grace look. So you *can* change the way you see.

My first bf looked like a cross between Santa Claus and a walrus. I'm not kidding. I really did consider him ugly. But it is the whole person I respond to, and as long as he treated me the way I wanted and deserved to be treated, I was fine with that. And talk about a person who did not take care of himself!! OMG! Here was a person with diabetes, depression, and high blood pressure, who never even tried to exercise. And I won't go into what this person ordered at restaurants ... but I have been there myself and therefore I restrained myself from lecturing, because anyone who is fat can tell you, negative judgements from others make things worse, not better. If all you are able to feel good about is looking thinner, whether you make ANY other physical gains or progress or not, that is very discouraging and a big reason I gave up on myself and gained so much weight several years ago. Now that I can focus on STRENGTH and not SIZE, I can feel happy and motivated no matter how I look. (And that's a good thing, because I will never look like the pics I see in here!)

I do have one question. As a member of NAAFA, I talk to plenty of people who are doing what by all manner of common sense "OUGHT" to work, according to the popular wisdom (none of them have visited here), but it hasn't worked. They're still fat. And so am I. If by some quirk or decree of God, your girlfriend were to make diet and exercise changes and still be forever unable to change her body shape, how would you feel about her then?

How would you feel if someone you were with left you because of the way you looked?

I am not trying to sound judgemental here. I am just trying to get you to try to approach the issue in new ways. I have found some good-looking people (my own grandfather, for instance) to be some of the most rigid and judgemental, and some of the most lacking in how they treat other people.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you're going to leave this person, make sure it's for the right reasons. For me, personally, having been through what I have in my life as a woman of size, the right reason is *never* going to be about someone's outward physical appearance, and I require in my personal relationships that I be treated the same way.

Good luck. Let us know what's happenin'.
 
My current partner and I were both once in your same shoes. We ended up divorcing our spouses. So my opinion is get out now when it's easier, rather than waiting til after you're married then end up being miserable for many years before you finally end it. Don't make the same mistake we did. What you have just described sounds EXACTLY like my husband's situation with his now, ex-wife. I'm sure he'd tell you the same thing, get out now while you can before marriage and any kids are involved.

IMO, there's nothing wrong at all with wanting a partner who's in shape and that you are attracted to, geesh, that's how it should be! There's nothing worse than being with a partner who you are unattracted to and doesn't share in your interests and goals. My husband and I are both VERY into our fitness lifestyle and having been with someone before who wasn't, I can tell you it's wonderful, very refreshing! We work together towards common goals and it's awesome, we're just like two peas in a pod. ;)

And one more thing, I look at it this way, you only get one life to live so why not be happy?
 
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spatts said:


Yeah. It's all about girth.
Click to expand...

lol. ha ha - well, I was referring more to, you know, mental and emotional stuff, but in the end it all boils down to ways of thinking, ways of living, ways of being, ways of knowing, ways of feeling, ..... and the internal and external expression of those ...
 
I believe that every relationship is one step closer to the one that we ultimately commit to, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, etc. If you find you are not compatible any longer, either emotionally or physically AND you have not made a life long commitment, then you should end the relationship and move on. What you have learned from this relationship you will take with you into your future relationships, so let there be positive lessons learned. Besides, who is to say that your paths wont cross again in the future, giving you the opportunity for a greater relationship?

Good luck and hope all works out for the best!

:)
 
Physical attraction is often what brings a couple together, but shared values are a major factor in keeping a couple together. It takes some time to discover what each others' values are. Those values can be anything from honesty, a strong work ethic, how to raise children, how to handle money, common goals, etc. The more aligned a couple is on their values, the stronger the relationship.

I don't think valuing appearance (within reason) is necessarily selfish, especially when it coincides with taking care of one's health. Even if we're not blessed with supermodel looks (and 99% of us weren't :) ), I still think it's a positive trait for someone to take pride in himself or herself.
 
I can relate, I've been married 7 years have 2 children age 5 and 2. My husband used to rollerblade and worked out when we met. I have always worked out and taught fitness so its in my blood even after having babies. He has more or less fell off the band wagon, he always says he wants to get back into it but no time etc. He finally quit chewing snuff 3 weeks ago do to my persisting how bad it was to his health and smelly etc. I'm really trying to be positive about the quiting chewing, but as far as exercising I can't make him be someone I want him to be, I would love it if we worked out together but the more I push the more he resists and we get into an argument.

I'm trying to let him be who he is and accept that we have grown apart in this area, I just hope as I get into more it won't push us further apart. I just wanted to add my 2 cents.

Mrs. JNUTS
 
Just break up with her. Women have a funny way of losing weight when you dump them. Then maybe she'll pull her head out of her....comfort zone. Smoking is also my biggest turn off in a woman. My friend just went through all this. He was married, has 2 kids, bought a nice house, etc. His wife was a fat slob. He never complained about it once in 5 years. Finally he couldn't keep it inside any longer and walked. He said he feels so much better. Guess what, his wife decided now after all that time to lose weight. Now she is slimming down and going out all the time. Dude, if I was you since your so young, get rid of the old lady and start hooking up with some of those young little hotties at the gym. You will feel like a new man. You'll be so horny and the test levels will go through the roof after getting with a young little horny hardbody. Sorry, this may not be what you all want to hear, but it's honest and for the most part I think how most guys think. My opinion only.
 
This is kind of off the subject, but does your SO argue about all the $$ you spend for supplements etc. we go back and forth on this all the time! BUT, it seems when he wants to shell out $$ for what he likes its done. This is my only vice that I spend money one and I try and pay for it by teaching Aerobic classes. I do pay a trainer which can get pricey but hopefully I'll lift on my own in a month.

Thats all! I'm done venting :)
 
BigD50:

You write as if everyone on the planet can just "decide" to lose weight, and -- presto-chango!!! Pamela Anderson, here we come!!

I have "decided" to lose weight about eight times in my life. Even "succeeded" once or twice. Guess what? The weight came back, and then some. For some people, it just isn't as easy as it apparently is for you. And the more we obsess about what we LOOK like, the harder it is.

There are some things I'm just not willing to go through for an attitude like yours. Three hours in the gym every day, just so some shallow person can LOOK at me and decide that I'm OK to spend time with?? I've gone through lots of stuff in my life and am a 100% better partner now, AND I'm also heavier.

People make the mistake of thinking that just because a body measures this, this, and this, and looks thus-and-such a way, that tells you all you need to know about someone. And that's exactly what it is, it's a mistake.

I don't care what you look like. I've developed enough respect for myself to throw someone with an attitude like yours back, sight-UNseen.
 
shoichi said:
I'll try and shorten this up and it may be nothing more than I'm shallow (which some people have told me) and insensitive. My girlfriend and I met about three years ago and we both smoked, were in the worst shape of our lives and just lived an unhealthy lifestyle. During that time I decided I wanted to get back into shape - we had both been into sports/recreational activities all our lives and I thought it really bugged both of us.

So I eventually quit smoking and got back into really good shape. It took along time and so I tried to be patient with her as well. She always says she's going to quit smoking and start working out but it never happens. And now it's getting to the point where I'm completely physically unattracted to her and I can't stand laying next to her when she smells like smoke. I've tried to explain the smoking thing, tried to get her on the patch and medication, tried positive reinforcement with working out and nutrition, and I took up the sports she used to be good at in an attempt to get her into stuff she was into. Then I tried a slow approach and just tried to get her to walk - but all of this has failed.

Maybe I am shallow and should just love her for who she is - but it's hard when I don't even want to hug her. I mean she's not overly obese - maybe 5'6 165? BF unsure about...but I am completely physically unattracted to her. During the summer I didn't even want to go to the beach or anywhere with her. Should I just break it off and do my own thing? It's gotten particularly bad within the last 6 months now that I work at two gyms - one of which is kind of a trendy pick up place type. Opinions or suggestions would really help me here.
Click to expand...
It's hard to decide in a situation like yours. You don't want to be a jerk but yet you need to be true to yourself. It sounds as if you have really tried to involve your girkfriend in your activities. Sometimes couples can grow apart. You should sit down and write out a list of whats important to you in a partner and see where that leads you. I'm sure you'll find your answers there.
It's give and take. I can't believe that she won't even go for a walk with you. Take care. MSBOSS
 
Thats vin diesel....Im much prettier but not as big, give me 1 year and I will be though.... =)
 
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