Ok Helen, joke for you

[Jeff_rys]

Well i know you are a heavy christian, so you also know Jesus Christ, when he died on the cross, went to heaven.
He arrives and at the gate Peter welcomes him and informes him about the way things go up there.
Then Jesus asks Peter if he can find his father (who was a carpenter as you know), afterall he hadn't seen him for a long time.
It appears his father lived in a village nearby, so Jesus walked to the village to see find him.
After asking around he finally gets at the house where his father lives and sees him on his knees always working with wood.

He walks up to his father and says to him "FATHER".

The carpenter turns around and answers.........

"PINOCCIO?"


By the way Helen, here is how it looks after stepping on the balls (you know the pic of yesterday...)

 

[HelenSL]

ouch!!!

Jeff,

So, is that curable??? You said it was irreversible...i hope not...poor guy...

I know i am heavy...*sigh*. You're right. I need to eat less...exercise more...that kinda thing...

Anyway, the joke - LOL - actually i'd heard it before but, thanks

Are you having a good day? What time is it where you are? It's 5:40 a.m. here (CST in the US)

love
Helen

 

[Jeff_rys]

here it is 00.50 pm

ok i include another one and this time maybe i have mor luck...

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy.
I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely
hope you will not he hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. But I
will be home before midnight.
xx Your Husband


When he arrived at the hotel, there was a fax waiting for him that read as follows:


Dear Husband
You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you should easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up.


Come on Helen, make my day...

I forgot to ask, how is your day?

 

[WODIN]

Here you go....

Jesus is up on the Cross dying...

He raises his head and mumbles something...

The people at the ground who are blocked by the Roman guards look up to the lord.

Jesus Mumbles a little louder...Peter!....

The Crowd cries out..What is it lord?

Jesus says aloud...PETER!!!

The Crowd wails...Peter the Lord wants you! Come Quick!

Peter Runs up the hillside, into the Guards, he fights with all his might and breaks past them.

Jesus sees Peter before him...Peter?

Yes my Lord?

You can see your house from here!

 

[Jeff_rys]

haha Wodin, that's a good one...

I think Helen loves those....

 

[HelenSL]

ok Jeff sweetheart,

here's one of my faves from Sec Web (sorry if you already read it there...not sure who reads where...)

I was having afternoon tea with my mother when I made a Freudian slip. I meant to say "pass the butter please"...but it came out "you ruined my life you fucking bitch!"

My husband about died laughing at that.

This is one off the humor forum at Sec Web...off the thread entitled Crude and Tasteless Jokes

btw it was someone i 'met' (in a 'net sense) there who told me about this site.

If the one joke doesn't make your day maybe something else on that Humor Forum will, sweetie...

(There are some very funny threads on Misc Discussions also. And no-one gives a who is a body-builder - but get ready to be ripped if you're a fundie Christian... )

love
Helen

p.s. lol WODIN

p.p.s www.christianityexposed.com has a jokes forum too...i think you hafta join to view that one.

i can't remember if the Christian forums i belong to have joke forums

 

[Jeff_rys]

no i don't know that one

and i saved the URL's to disk.

"My husband about died laughing at that. "

I wonder why...



No, don't be mad at me, i will make it up to you...

someday...

 

[HelenSL]

i know i know..."the check's in the mail"...

right?

and if you accidentally DID mail me one in a moment of insanity, then it's gonna bounce...

and if you accidentally put money in your account for your OWN purposes then you'll stop the check

you'd rather pay the $20 stop fee than let me get that check you wrote me for $1

that was only a joke really...an IN YOUR FACE kinda thing...

ah you are kewl...are you gay?

love
helen

 

[Jeff_rys]

what do you think???

ah you are kewl...are you gay?

love
helen

 

[HelenSL]

you take my breath away, Jeff

***speechless***

-h

p.s. again i can only think, 'why'???

p.p.s. it wasn't an insult...i just didn't want to mess with you otherwise since i am married

that's all, sweetheart...i like gay guys because i don't have to worry...we can just be friends...with the others i never know...men are so sex-obsessed, you see...in my experience anyway...

 

[Jeff_rys]

it is just the opposite Helen,

you should watch out for those who you think are gay...
those are the ones you let come closer and they might take advantage of "innocent" women".

 

[HelenSL]

yeah but if they told you details about sex with guys...pretty convincing...

still i suppose they might be bi, yeah...

thanks for saying 'watch out', sweetheart, i appreciate the thought.

i might not be very 'innocent' though, in fact...

love
helen

 

[Jeff_rys]

there is not one "innocent" woman

quote you:

"i might not be very 'innocent' though, in fact"

let it be noted, for the record, that Helen is NOT
innocent.

Sorry Helen, you asked for it....and i was happy to oblige...

 

[HelenSL]

i asked for it???

i think you need your eyes checked, sir...

good job i'm not - innocent

have a nice day, jeff sweetheart...

(oh was THAT how i asked for it...i say that to everyone...talk is cheap...i guess you were desperate, huh? )

i'm touched if you took it personally, fwiw...yeah.

love
helen

 

[Jeff_rys]

you asked for it, yesterday....

but was happy to get back to you for the ball crushing.
Afterall you asked if it was me.....

Nice one to you to Helen

 

[HelenSL]

I'm not here for long but I just wanted to tell you Jeff, one thing...

I'm guessing that bloke who was mad because his GF fell asleep in his bed before they could have the fun he wanted to have...

i think that photo was him

listen...

"just a mo, honey, while i take my earrings out!"

see, that's why she fell asleep...it took so long!

That's why I'd never have a lover pierce themselves so much as that...I'm too impatient!!!

Plus...i mean, it has to hurt like hell!!! Don't you think?

But I've talked to SI people in the past, so...maybe it comes under that category. Although they are usually looking for blood as a 'purging' kinda thing.

Oh sorry if it bothers you if I mention SI/purging...

have a nice day too sweetie

love
helen

 

[Jeff_rys]

Helen quote you

"That's why I'd never have a lover pierce themselves so much as that...I'm too impatient!!! "

Who said anything about taking them off ???"

 

[HelenSL]

Surely any woman says "No way Jose!!!" to - a member in full attire...

Actually never say never I guess...*shrugs*

re the strip - LOL

so, next that guy tried 'n-o-s-e'

and the computer said 'sorry, your password is too long!!!!'

love
helen

 

[Jeff_rys]

That's a good one Helen

beddy time for me

 

[HelenSL]

nite-nite then sweetheart

check out this thread when you're back...

love
helen

 

[Jeff_rys]

well i checked it out and posted there

no hard feelings ?

 

[HelenSL]

hard feelings???

r u kidding???

Jeff my Jeff....c'mhere

hey where ya goin'??? Why in such a hurry???

No, no hard feelings, sweetheart. Really really...

I'm more worried about you, to be honest...

love
helen

 

[Jeff_rys]

hard feelings???

r u kidding???

Jeff my Jeff....c'mhere

hey where ya goin'??? Why in such a hurry???

No, no hard feelings, sweetheart. Really really...

I'm more worried about you, to be honest...

love
helen

Why are you worried?

Explain please.

 

[HelenSL]

oh just about whether YOU had hard feelings, that's all.

Usually it takes one to know one, that's all...I mean, we pick up on what we ourselves are sensitive to.

So do you have hard feelings i meant?

That is - I hope you are not mad at me sweetheart.

Also meaning, don't pierce yourself in painful places on my account...

And I will never hurt you intentionally (referring to the pic on the other thread but please don't post it again!)

But i might do it by accident

love
helen

 

[Jeff_rys]

no, no hard feelings and no not made at you

oh just about whether YOU had hard feelings, that's all.


So do you have hard feelings i meant?

That is - I hope you are not mad at me sweetheart.

Also meaning, don't pierce yourself in painful places on my account...

And I will never hurt you intentionally (referring to the pic on the other thread but please don't post it again!)

But i might do it by accident

love
helen

How could i be mad at you?

 

[Honeynut]

ok, here's another one

everyone done saying sorry?

> A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On
> the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
>
> After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
> situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
>
> "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
>
> "I know, father."
>
> "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a
> day or two."
>
> "I agree."
>
> "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would
> you do something for me?"
>
> "Anything father."
>
> "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I
> might see yours."
>
> "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any
> harm."
>
> The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
> shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you
> mind if I touched them?"
>
> She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
>
> "Father, could I ask something of you?"
>
> "Yes sister?"
>
> "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
>
> "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
> "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a
> few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
>
> "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
> can give life."
>
> "Is that true father?"
>
> "Yes it is, sister."
>
> "Then why don't you stick it in that camel and let's get the hell
> out of here."

 

[HelenSL]

Re: no, no hard feelings and no not made at you

How could i be made at you?

nitey nite Jeff

love,
helen

p.s. Honeynut I read a diffrent version of that joke on Sec Web that came off a Nun Jokes board, I think...there were 2 nuns and their camel died in the desert and a guy was suggesting he had something that could 'give life' so they said "Great..." etc etc

 

[Jeff_rys]

Whaw Helen, so soon to bed

Beauty sleep

 

[HelenSL]

I musta got your hours wrong...

I had a nap anyway!

So...ouch, but what a dedicated wife!!!

That's what I call 'servanthood' with a capital S!!!

Thanks sweetheart.

love
helen

 

[Big Buck]

get a freaking room!!!

 

[Jeff_rys]

Helen, i think Big Buck

wants to come in between us

 

[HelenSL]

omigosh is he into threesomes???

fuck that

I only do one-on-one!!!

(and no shit either...sorry wf no can do!!! )

love
helen