I didn't grow up in a good situation (sometimes in boys home) and so it's easy to justify what all happened by saying that I was just lashing out. I can't even remember all the fights I got in. I never ganged up on anyone (that I can remember), but I was prone to carrying things too far. To this day I struggle with regret. About a decade ago I battled thoughts of suicide for all the crap in my life and pain I caused. I got cancer a few years ago and I really think it came from all the bitterness. I doubt most people go through this, but maybe they do. I can't count how many times I see faces in my mind (including my own) that were messed up from fighting. I wish to god I could go back and change all that, but I can't. The bitter edge is that the same scars I have that sometimes make me feel like a survivor also make me ashamed. Nobody who does a lot of fighting comes away winning them all, and even if they do the victory is weak.
As a result of my life, I have learned how to resist carrying things too far. I usually just let things slide, and I don't regret doing that. I can sleep better knowing that I can control myself now and that I haven't always been able to do that.
A few months ago, I had something interesting happen. I was going pretty slow in the right hand lane and there was room to pass on the left, but a driver behind me just kept tailgating. Finally he passed and then got in front and spit out the window onto my car. I memorized his face and his car, imagining following him to wherever he was going and then beat him senseless, but I just took a few breaths and let the anger die down. The very next day I was going in to work and I saw that same car pulling in to a friend of mine's business, so I pulled in too, just to chat with my buddy. As we're talking the guy comes up to the counter and asks for a job. He gives this sob story about how he's down on his luck and all. He tells him how he can't find a job and really needs his help if he can spare it. He looked like he needed some money. I'm kind of just wandering around farther from the counter not wanting to hear this when my buddy says to me 'hey should I give this guy a break?' They both look at me and I think for a minute and say 'sure, why not'. So he gives the guy a job. Turns out the guy is so grateful for work that he is never absent or even late to work. Anyways, a few days later I go by the shop and see the guy getting out of his car and I say to him, "do you remember spitting on a guy's car last week?" he gets this look on his face like you wouldn't believe. I had rehearsed to tell him that he was a lucky man that I was so nice about it, but the look on his face was so bad that it made me feel sorry for him all over again. He just stands there eyes wide looking at my car and then back at me. I just looked him right in the face and smiled and said I forgive you man. He apologized so many times I lost count and I kept telling him it was no big deal anymore. He tells me how bad things are and I said I know cause I heard him tell that to his boss the other day. The guy freaks out that I didn't rat on him. I could tell he was about a hair from crying all over the place, so I shook his hand and told him to take it easy and I left.
I did it for me, not for him, and I can't describe how much better it's made me feel about myself since then. This guy could've had even more bad times if I'd told on him. To this day, I'm proud that I was able to lay down a chance at revenge. It doesn't make up for all the wrongs I've done that's for sure. Maybe this is the kindest thing I've ever done in my life.
My point is this: I had a chance to get even and I said no. It feels a thousand times better than all the revenge I ever got.
Please Scroll Down to See Forums Below 
)
