And just because I'm a fast typer, and to prove its here in front of me and not down there left for her.. here is what it says:
___________
Dear Sarah,
I'm writing because I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you to hurt you, get even, or play games. I'm writing to acknowledge your communications and explain why I cannot speak to you.
Something as simple as your email asking for a softball glove is enough to give me a night of fucked up dreams. My heart still raaces when I see your name show up on an email at work.
I'm afraid I'm not nearly as strong or reslilient as either of us would have thought. It is interesting for me to exame as a 3rd party, because had I had a friend who went through the same experiences and feelings that I am, I would know exactly what to say and tell them. Unfortunately I'm unable to adhere to my own advice and here I am writing you. Should this end up in your hands it just means I've lost self control yet another time.
I got your letter today, I had thought I would hear from you around the High Holidaus because I remember you asking your family for forgiveness last year and am familiar with the custom.
I'm not sure I have anything to forgive you for. I'm still not sure even what to think now 4 months later. I know you were feeling a great need to make changes in your life. I know you felt unhappy with a variety of aspects in your life at the time "we" ended. But i never really did get a clear understanding of why exactly I didn't fit into your life anymore. And what was the most painful thing was that I couldn't figure out how someone could spend an affectionate weekend ith me, tell me they loved me, then cast me aside like you throw away textbooks at the end of a semester. it never really made sense to me and I doubt it ever will. I try to write it off as immaturity, self-centerdness, being young, etc. But you are none of those. At the least Sarah I knew isn't. She's an intelligent, caring, beautiful young woman. Not without her flaws, but who isn't? I believe you like som eone because of their positive qualities, and you love someone for their imperfections and flaws, you actually come to embrace them. Not because ythey bring you any particular joy, but because they are a big part of what makes them who they are. For whatever reason my imperfection started to eat away at you. You hinted at this one day when you commented on my arrogance with friends, my insecurity with you at time, and at the time and still today I have no acceptable answer for that. All I can really say is I am who I am, but just like you I am growing and learning mroe about myself and life everyday.
You also mentioned the need to experience single life. I can fully relate to and understand that want and need. I've gone through the same period in my life and it is frustrating as hell to deal with when you have found somenoe special. I went into our relationship aware of that possibility, however I somehow had faith that whatever we had could somehow overcome that. Again, another show of poor judgement on my part.
So we are where we are and I'm dealing with things the best I can. It really hit home when you told me after the breakup that we were basically, or I should say, you said "you were basically my best friend." I ams ad to say I never fully realized that while we were together, but it is 100% true. You were not just my girlfriend, you were my closest friend and confidant. That is a whole lot ot lose in a day. I'm not sure if anyone is equipped to handle that gracefully.
I tried talking to you in the days that followed. I opned my heart to you, but only heard the same thing from you... that you "couldn't keep doing this." Whatever "this" was, I'm not sure. I was trying to figure out how things had come to a point where you could basically say that ouw time was behind us forever.
I didn't expect us to last forever, but I always held that as some type of possibility. I thought about how I envisoned things ending should it come to that. I always thought it would have ended much like it started. As two friends with all the mutual respect for each other in the world just laying next to each other talking things though. Talking about hopes and dreams, talking about feelings, fear, and whatever else was on our minds If I somehow turned into someone with whom this was no longer possible, I ams orry.
I choose not to comunicate with you because thinking of you ins painful. I'm not supposed to admit that. It makes me weak in your eyes and will further destroy the image of myself that you at one time loived. But I've never been to good at playing games, I'm good at saying what I feel.
Even with my self imposed silence, I still cannot escape the constant reminders of you. I've put some of them here iwth your glove, but the others are not tangible, as they are fond memories of moments shared, words exchanged, and unquantifiable feelings. Unfotunately due to our proximity at work and in the city I also hear of you frequently.
Everytime you run into a friend, I have the pleaure of hearing about it.. Joanne, Tina.. or Neil seeing your family... me seeing you in the halls or your car at work.. or walking by you at the dave matthews concert... or any other number of normal day to day things... One of the worst was a friend calling me to tell me he had run across your new profile on a dating website in late June. I'm not upset at you or bitter, I'm up set that I cannot shut the feelings off even now.
I hope you've had your share of "bad first dates" by now. I've had the pleasure of being reminded what a bad first date is like, and how draining it is taking the time to get to know someone only to learn that they are nothing even close to what you'd want in a long term mate. Ok so maybe that is bitter, I'm only human.
So I don't know what this accomplished, if anything. I just wanted to acknowledge your communications, let you know I am still here, doing fine, but I do miss you.
I miss you on a variety of levels. Levels that are impossible to sort through, but I know are there. I remembered another rason it was important for me to stop communicating with you. I looked back at the emails and IMs that we had during the week after the breakup, and I saw me doing a lot of talking, the vast majority of it, and getting little or nothing back from you. No explanation, no feelings, just nothing. I realized that I had said all I could and needed to say and that if you had nothing left to say then there was nothing more to say to each other. I felt like further communication just chipped away at my self respect, pride, and dignity piece by piece. I suppose I never will really learn my lesson when it comes to that because I'm handing over another huge chunk of it with these pages.
love,
Brian
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