Need some feedback about my girlfriend...a problem

[The Almighty]

Sup everyone. You all probably know me as the creator of the Satanic Goatslayer collection...actually you probably dont remember but thats beside the point.

Ok, I see a lot of people posting w/problems with significant others and they usually recieve some really thoughtful feedback, so I was wondering if you could extend and anabolic brother the same courtesy.

Anyhoo, been with my girlfriend for almost 6 months now...I know it may not seem like a long time to many of you, my love-life before her consisted of numerous flings, and I was really excited to settle down, especially with someone like her.
She is funny, smart, beautiful, and we have more than a lot in common. We both love each other very much, etc, etc you know how it goes.

So on to the dilemma. Recently she has been a bit overbearing when it comes to aspects of our relationship. It seems like every time I sneeze she takes that as a sign of me not being happy or sure about our relationship. No matter how many times I tell her that I am happy and so on, it will just be brought up a week later and she will start crying again and in the end it makes me feel really bad that I am the cause of this pain she is going through.

Tonight she took me aside at a party and said that she doesnt think I put enough effort into the emotional aspect of our relationship. She is very emotional when it comes to our relationship and she has a bit of paranoia so she always needs some sort of reassurance from yours truly. I believe that I am making it clear enough that I am happy and so on, but she doesnt seem to get it sometimes.

After tonight, I realize that it is getting to be rather overbearing. I told her that this is the way I am, and I cannot just change myself to be more emotional and all that, so she would just have to accept it. She says she knows she loves me, yet she still wont let it sink in for some reason. Due to this constant type of nagging, I was considering just pulling the plug on our relationship on the grounds that I simply cannot give her what she really wants.

I know, to say that least, that she will be heartbroken if I do this, and to a certain extent so will I, but it may be the right thing to do. Another thing is that I am a junior in college, so shouldnt I be living up life a little more rather than spending it with one girl? I know that may sound kind of dick and selfish, but she talks about marriage every now and then, and I dont know how I would feel getting married when I only had one real relationship that actually meant something in my life.

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to get this out and see what some fellow elite fitness personell thought about this subject. I could use any suggestions you may have...and perhaps some karma on the side.

 

[Dillon35]

Hey bro, i can tell you what i think,however much it may help i don't know.


You can look at this relationship in one of two ways, you can either feel lucky that you have found a woman that will never cheat on you,( yea she may be a little insecure ) but thats small stuff, maybe she was hurt a few times and she doesn't want to loose you,( don't change, compromise ) don't ask her what she wants, just give her what she needs, you know she craves affection, hell man give it to her!! There are worse things in life than having someone want to spend all their time with you.

And the second way to look at this is that if she is being a bitch about you doing things with others (every once in a while) then it might not be worth the time because for some reason she doesn't trust you( and this is her problem unless you did something your not telling us), but if her insecurity is causing you grief then you already know the answer to your own question.

I truly believe that to make others happy, you have to be happy with yourself first......

And i know many a' fool who have dropped a girl like that and have lived to inevitably regret it.....know what i mean....

don't do anything rash until you have thought it all out, write out the pro and cons of the relationship on paper,

Later Dillon

 

[The Almighty]

Seriously dude, I hear what you are saying.

No, I have not done anything clandestine in this relationship. Even when Im in a fling with a girl, it is only her. I am not that disrespectful.

I dont know if what she needs is exactly affection...more like emotional reinforcement. She pretty much wants me to list off the reasons why I love her every time I see her, and I am just not like that.

Thanks for the reply dude. Anyone else care to offer an opinion?

 

[Mandinka]

A quick reply

I'll just add in a little - I've posted numerous times on this subject - you can search for them if you like.
A person SAYING they need their insecure means nothing , I've learned very painfully that those who give all will almost certainly lose all.

 

[StoneColdGold]

Ditto to Johnny Five. Obviously we don't know the details, but it sounds like classic projection to me.

 

[DcupSheepNipples]

With that Avatar, just be thankful that you have a Sweatty Betty to do your dirty deeds to Mr Penis Head Bobb Cut!

 

[rushx79]

well the insecure thing can be good or bad. good: she is so afraid to lose you that she well never do anything to upset you. bad:she is so insecure she doesnt believe you love her so she will turn to other guys to reinforce herself. personally i think you answered your own question. you dont seem to really think you will miss her if she was gone, so you must not really want to spend the rest of your life with her. best of luck either way.

 

[Bigsatan13]

Maybe the Fina is making you a little edgy and you're insensitive to her needs..............................Nah!

 

[toga22]

It sound's as if your girlfriend is a bit unsecure with the relationship, and your commitment to it. Maybe it is caused by past relationships gone bad, or like the others said, it may be her way of expressing to you her doubts of the relationship. Unfortunately, the only person that can change this feeling is her. Sit down with your girlfriend and tell her how you are feeling. Tell her that her constant insecurities are driving you away!! At the same time, I would be very honest with her about your feelings about marriage. Girls tend to "look down the road" a bit when they are in a relationship that they cherish. And I totally understand your needs for a "single" life. You are only going to live your college life once, and there will never be a time after you graduate, that you will be able to do it again. I am sure you do not want to start regretting your girlfriend, because she is keeping you away from things you want to do.

All relationships have "tough times" that they must go through in order to make it strong. Hopefully for you, this is just a "bump" in the road, and it will pass as quickly as it came on.

Best of Luck to You!!
~toga

 

[buksoon]

A very sad truth

You just can't be attracted to anyone for whom you feel pity.

Sympathy and compassion? YES! That's love. That's empathy, connecting with someone.

But pity? No... that kills desire. Permanently. And if she is that insecure, eventually you will feel more like a therapist than a lover.

You don't want that.

 

[cman]

If you are both happy with the relationship, I see no reason to end it. If you are having problems seek some counselling, it will help, it seems like you both want to keep the relationship together, therefore don't let a good thing pass. As for being with only 1 girl and the fact you are young, if this is the girl you love and you are happy stick with her, you wouldn't want to look back in the future, and think I should have stayed with her. Why have a bunch of meaningless relationships? Most guys really do look for someone they can settle down with, especially once you reach your mid twenties, so it's good you have someone, try to work it out.

 

[FreakMonster]

Holy shit dude, sounds exactly like my GF except mine is probably alot more insecure. I feel for ya because it really sucks. I bet I feel the same way you do. I just feel so smothered sometimes.

 

[BigGuns2]

Bro, That sounds alot like my situation. Many times when girls are scared that they will loose their boyfriend to someone else, they react like this. Being a body builder/weight lifter, the girl feels very frightened that you will find someone else other than her being that most women love the muscle bound guy. Just be patient with her and reassure her that you want to be with her. Good luck to you.

 

[bigguns7]

Three things could be causing this:

1) Your girl was neglected or ignored as a child. She may seem to have a great family life, but maybe she was overshadowed by an older sibling or maybe her parents worked so much that she was never taken care of emotionally. People with this kind of past tend to always seem starved for validation from their significant others, always looking to their boyfriend/girlfriend to reaffirm that they are glad to be with them. If this is the case, she can't help it, but you may never be able to get away from that. You either need to get her some help or move on bro.

2) She is projecting her feelings onto you. SHE is the one who's not happy in the relationship, and SHE doesn't want to put any more effort in. Have you ever started a fight with a girlfriend just to start one, just to make her feel bad because for some reason you feel bad? Have you ever done something wrong behind a girlfriend's back and then constanly ask THEM what is wrong? Even though there is nothing wrong with that person, YOU feel guilty so you as THEM what their problem is. This is a very common tactic that unhappy parties use in struggling relationships.

3) She's right, you're a selfish, uncaring asshole.

 

[decem]

what's her deal? do you treat her shitty? do you still mack on other chicks? do you flirt with them in front of her?

i guess i don't understand why she'd come up with that stuff out of the blue.. are you sure you're not doing anything at all to make her feel that way?

if you're truly not doing anything besides being your usuall happy self, but she still sees it as unhappy.. she might either

1. just be trying to fuck up the relationship.. trying to build up reasons to break up with you.. in which case you two will never be happy..

or

2. just not understand the way you are.. how you react and how you feel and how you show your emotions.. if you tell her once.. sit her down and tell her.. this is the way i react to this.. this is the way i show my love.. this is when you can know i'm happy.. and she still does this crap.. then you two just don't gel well.. she isn't able to read you and if it's been 6months and good talking to.. then she'll probably never get it..

or

3. she has some type of psychological problem

or

4. she has a low self-esteem and is not confident enough in what she has to offer you so she's afraid she'll lose you.. so she tries to MAKE you fall that much more in love with her..

as for the marriage thing.. you just said that you've had a bunch of flings.. why do you need to have bunch of longer relationships as a prerequisite to getting married? that doesn't make sense to me.. you were ready to settle down once.. but now you're not..


the way i see it man.. if you have doubts about shit.. any doubts at all.. then she aint the one.. get rid of her before it gets even harder to.. (which is the situation i'm in right now.. kept going with the flow even though i kinda always knew i didn't want to marry her.. so now i'm living with her.. can't afford rent on my own out here.. so when it comes time to break up.. i have to wait til the end of the semester.. then pack my shit and move home (2500 miles away).. pretty much saying goodbye forever.. now that fucking sucks.. and it makes that much harder to let go and move on)..

at any rate.. if you two are having problems.. and not living together... take a break. don't see each other for a few days.. don't even talk.. then come back and see where you're at..

 

[javaguru]

Bro, I know exactly what you are going through. You are describing my ex-wife to a tee. About six months into our dating relationship she cheated on me. Her excuse, she didn't feel I loved her even though I told her constantly, was very affectionate, and spent all of my free time with her. Well, I loved her so much that I fought for her and eventually won her back after a very emotional four hour conversation one night, I'm normally very unemotional but at the time I was pretty traumatized. Anyway, things went well for the next year and a half and we got married. Needless to say, she began to feel I didn't really love her once again and combined with a few other reasons we ended up divorced three years later. If you are a relatively unemotional male it is a mistake to think you can make a relationship work with someone that is so emotionally needy.

 

[The Almighty]

Wow, I go to bed then wake up and all of these replies are here....thanks guys.

To clear things up a little:

No, I dont treat her shitty. All of her friends have acknowledged that I have treated her far better than all of her previous boyfriends.

What I think may be causing her paranoia is the fact that her dad cheated on her mom once during her early teen years. Not only that, but all of her dad's brothers cheated on all of their wives as well.

Idunno, Im going to have a heart-to-heart with her in a few hours and we will see how that goes.

Thanks again for all your replies.

 

[MasterMind]

Sounds like SHE is the one questioning whether the relationship is strong or not. If she thought it was she wouldnt act like this. Dont be suprised if a breakup is on the horizon

p.s. Props on triedia

Yeah bro...if it was me I would be preparing for a break up already....I can't say for sure obviously, but this is one of the many ways a girl will set you up for a breakup, just my opinion of course

But if its not.....your going to have to change and tell her why you love her more and be more emotional....if you want to keep her you have to adapt...girls suck at changing...its the guys responsibility

 

[HumorMe]

Almighty.....

sounds a lot like my wife of 15 years. There is a lot of good advice on this thread. Women are very insecure by nature. No matter how confident and strong they may seem on the outside there is insecurity on the inside. Women have to be reassured all the time. They are not like us guys who have to be strong all the time otherwise we might look weak in the eyes of others. I guess you could say that would be one of our insecurities! There is nothing wrong being sensitive to your girlfriend needs....expressing them or showing them to her only makes the relationship stronger. I've lived with it for 15 years but I can say things are a ton better. I've given her the confidence she's needed to achieve success in her life and career. I've pushed her to become the person she has always wanted to be but too shy to go after it! We all have to deal with it, just some more than others. If she is committed to you and you to her....I wouldn't end a relationship over something like this. Communication is the name of the game. You can persuade her to become better at controlling her insecurities. Just my .02 cents...not that it is any good but what I have experienced! Good luck!

 

[john937]

No matter how many times I tell her that I am happy and so on, ....
I believe that I am making it clear enough that I am happy and so on...
She says she knows she loves me...

She says she loves you, and you say you're happy.
Notice the emotional flow there,
all the emotion is flowing your <--- direction.
Sounds like she'd like to hear you say you love ---> HER.
Of course, since you're already contemplating breaking up, you're going to find it hard to say that convincingly.

 

[PinK233]

Like you said...before her your love life consisted of "flings"...she's insecure b/c she's your first real relationship, she's afraid that maybe she's not enough for you...sounds a little overbearing to me but that's because she's insecure with herself. Things may get worse b/c you CAN'T change someone...and if she's insecure now there's nothing you can do to prove you'll stay faithful unless you're with her ALL the time and constantly telling her you love her, which doesn't sound reasonable to me at all.