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Need serious advice, Please leave flaming elsewhere.

J

jerseyart

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I apologize because I can't give many particulars. Personal friends read this site, albeit they dont really post much, and it involves another person.

I met someone and I believe the two of us share something incredibly good together. It has progressed very quickly, more quickly than either of us would have imagined. I trust in the feelings she communicates to me, and I share them completely.

If it were just the two of us, I don't doubt that we would be together. Everything about her is unique, and so many of the things she makes me feel, what she does to me, how she effects me, I've never felt for anyone before. It's as if we knew each other intimately from the very start. She understands things about me that other girls have never comprehended in years together, and without my telling her. She communicates that the experience has been the same for her. And there has been incredible passion, much more so than anything I have ever felt before

But there is a catch. There are children involved, and anything between us would eventually require them to be seperated from their father. They are accustomed to seeing him almost daily. And we both understand that maybe before this gets too much deeper, if that is even possible, it may have to end.

I don't want it to, but I can't argue for taking children away from their dad, even if he was lousy to her. I want to fight to keep us together, but I can't get myself to say the words, because I know her concerns are valid, and even a lousy excuse for a father, is still a father.

What would you do?
 
lemme get this straight, they are her kids and the custodial rights are only if she stays single? maybe I misunderstood...
 
Depends if he is truly a lousy excuse for a father or just a lousy excuse for a husband. If he sucks/ed as a husband but is good to his kids, then he should continue to be allowed to see them as much as possible.

If he sucks/ed as a father, then there is little benefit to his kids associating with him. That said, I don't think it would be advisable to cut them off completely unless he is a real monster.......
 
I can understand your desire not to effect the children's relationship with their father, but keep in mind that he knew this was a possibility when the relationship ended. He's already thought about this situation before you came into the picture and if he didn't he's an idiot. He's already messed up her life, don't let him mess up yours too.
 
^I just fail to see how mommy dating someone will cut her kids off from their dad
 
She would have to move if things progressed between us. She is a little too far to stay where she is and us still be together. I never looked for this, I wasn;t even ready for it, but it happened.

It isnt even about custody. I earn very good money, exceptionally so. I could bankrupt him in court, and he doesnt have the resources to fight me, not on this. I should note they are no longer married, and she has custody

Its about them, the kids. They love him, and are used to having him as a part of almost their daily lives. Any move would change that to occasional weekedn visits, or weeks vacations
 
That makes no sense. Custodial rights do not change based on his nor her marital status.

Here are some legal catches you might want to consider, which it sounds like have *not* been considered. If custody is joint, she needs court approval to move a certain distance from her ex-husband, *if* she intends on maintaining joint custody.

If *he* has custody and she is allowed visitation rights, then that is a whole different ball-game. Her moving could be demonstrative of her lack of desire to continue regular visitation, which will hurt her case should she decide to try to get joint or full custody.
 
If it is important to him, he'll find a way to see his kids. I drive 4 hours one way at least once a month sometimes twice a month so I can see my son. I'd drive twice that if that was my only way to see him.

I hate the fact that I don't get to be with him everyday, but I don't expect his mother to live her life for me anymore. I think it's unfair if he expects the same from this girl.
 
onerepmaximum said:
If it is important to him, he'll find a way to see his kids. I drive 4 hours one way at least once a month sometimes twice a month so I can see my son. I'd drive twice that if that was my only way to see him.

I hate the fact that I don't get to be with him everyday, but I don't expect his mother to live her life for me anymore. I think it's unfair if he expects the same from this girl.
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Good point but it's not about what he expects, it's about the children. If they really love their Dad and Mom moves them away so they can't see him very often, that's not good for the kids and they'll hold it against Mom.
 
so you're too far away to maintain a serous relationship but he's too far away to have them for the weekend on a regular basis?

tough call. if you really love her i wouldnt necessarily give her up just yet, whats the possibilty of him moving or you still being able to drop them off weekends?

also if she moved, would they have to switch schools? and are you prepared to look after another mans kids? can she/is she willing to have more?
 
Thanks One Rep,

Code. I dont want to get caught up in the legal issues. Im not worried about those. It has to do with the kids, and the impact on them. I always had both my parents. I can't imagine anyone having taken my dad away from me, even if just by distance. I want to rationalize it as I could do so much more for them than he could, or her by herself, or even with most men. But in the end I can't help but feel that nothing can replace the presence of their dad in their lives. Not better education, better possibilities. I project from my own relationship with my dad. He's the world to me
 
First, is the father truly a loser. Because, every girl I ever met had a loser boyfriend. (including when the used the same act to upgrade from me) Or, is he bing a jerk bc his wife left him for some Sexy Beast who recently posted his pic. J/K

You are a good person to consider the kids. Most dont. But, divorce is not the part that F-up the kids. What F-up's the kid is the part of the divorce that involve their dad drinking too much and banging skanks, or when mom moves them away from their friends and family so she can bang a guy that combs his hair w/a porkchop.

I'm just kidding about the pics. You look better than me. But, take it slow. Because, it does effect alot of other peoples lives.

Good Luck
 
Well, if this is a recent romance, it seems that you're jumping the gun a bit...why can't you just long distance it for a while? This would allow you time to think about making this HUGE transition, as well, give you time to feel out the kiddos and their feelings towards you. Afterall, if they hate you, they will not like the idea of moving, but if they like you, it could be more tolerable.

Personally, I never want to take care of someone else's kids, just a creed of mine...
 
danielson said:
so you're too far away to maintain a serous relationship but he's too far away to have them for the weekend on a regular basis?

tough call. if you really love her i wouldnt necessarily give her up just yet, whats the possibilty of him moving or you still being able to drop them off weekends?

also if she moved, would they have to switch schools? and are you prepared to look after another mans kids? can she/is she willing to have more?
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I dont want to give up on her. I might have moved myself, but my work is tied here. There would be nothing for me there, even at reduced salary. My career has been built over a long time. Half of me thinks I would give it up, but there is no practical way to do so.

He's practically unemployed, or close enough to that he can barely support himself. Fuck, I even through out the option, just to talk, of my setting him up here, with a place and work. But he has another child where they are at, from before he knew her.

I would love them. I dont have any rosy eyed misunderstanding that it would be returned. But they are a part of her. I could never be anything but kind to any child, but especially hers. It isnt something I was lookin for. I dont get all water eyed over women. I never have. There is just something about her.
 
How many kids are you talking about and how old are they? I have been in this situation since my son was 3 and he is now 8. If anything good has come out of it, he knows how much I love him and how important he is to me. Whenever we are together, it is like a mini-vacation for him because it's a special occasion for both of us. With his mom, it's just the same old everyday things, so he can't wait to be with me. On the flip side, big chunks of him growing up is gone for me. He lost all of his teeth and grew them back it seems like before I had a chance to make fun of him.

You won't replace their dad, you shouldn't even try to. They'll appreciate that. You guys will have a different kind of relationship, but it can be good too.
 
I would let the kids stay with their father. What is wrong with a long distance relationship? Why can't you move to be with her? Why can't the father move to be near you guys? If you make great money would you and this woman be willing to help him adjust to living in a new place? NEvermind, i see others have asked these same questions before me.

Also maybe this passion will burn out in 3 months. If that happens and the kids end up seperated from their dad you could really regret that for the rest of your life.
 
If the kids honestly love their dad, then he cannot be doing a bad job.

Most women who are bitter over a divorce assume being a shitty husband means being a shitty dad. And with all the mama-drama in the past, I'd wager if you sat down with the guy for a coffee you'd find him to be a pretty solid human being.

Kids do not love fathers who beat them, I know, I worked with abused children during college. Yes, they try to please him, but only out of fear of being beaten.

I'm going to give some candid advice, and I'm not being a dick, just being very blunt and honest. Give this relationship time, I'm afraid this person is latching onto you because she is a co-dependent person and simply *has* to be loved. This girl is all full of drama and baggage, give yourself time to absorb the total package, see the big picture......for *your* sake.
 
awittyusername said:
First, is the father truly a loser. Because, every girl I ever met had a loser boyfriend. (including when the used the same act to upgrade from me) Or, is he bing a jerk bc his wife left him for some Sexy Beast who recently posted his pic. J/K

You are a good person to consider the kids. Most dont. But, divorce is not the part that F-up the kids. What F-up's the kid is the part of the divorce that involve their dad drinking too much and banging skanks, or when mom moves them away from their friends and family so she can bang a guy that combs his hair w/a porkchop.

I'm just kidding about the pics. You look better than me. But, take it slow. Because, it does effect alot of other peoples lives.

Good Luck
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She has never said a bad word about him. She doesnt hate him. She left him not because of cheating, but for other issues, and they were sound. She doesnt wish to hurt any of them

I am willing to do the commute thing for now. I think she worries over the children, their reaction to it all (they are only just getting used to mom not being with dad), and her future hurt and disappointment. She has a history of people letting her down, and it is justified. I can't believe this is happening.
 
I dont know what you can do. The solution is to have the kids, mom and dad within physical proximity to each other. The dad can't move because of a kid. the mom can't move because she would leave the dad. YOu can move because of money. What about the other kid that dad knows, can he take him with him?

I would just try to make the best of a long term relationship. I don't know what else to tell you. Unless you want to start up a whole new career path and quit your current job.
 
he sounds like he has enough problems where he is

honestly the fact he has other children would make me worry less if i moved his kids further out, as he could still see them if he wants

whats she like? is he very obviously a piece of shit...why did she get with him? or is he just on hard times? will his presence always be hanging over you? and...i hate to say it but if you know the answer this shouldnt bother you...you said he's in finanacial strife...and you're well off. is it possible if you fell on hard times she would ditch you?

personally i wouldnt move for her but if she was really the one i wouldnt give her up, i dont think its going to be any worse for the kids unless he has significant reduction in being able to see them
 
JerseyArt said:
I dont want to give up on her. I might have moved myself, but my work is tied here. There would be nothing for me there, even at reduced salary. My career has been built over a long time. Half of me thinks I would give it up, but there is no practical way to do so.

He's practically unemployed, or close enough to that he can barely support himself. Fuck, I even through out the option, just to talk, of my setting him up here, with a place and work. But he has another child where they are at, from before he knew her.

I would love them. I dont have any rosy eyed misunderstanding that it would be returned. But they are a part of her. I could never be anything but kind to any child, but especially hers. It isnt something I was lookin for. I dont get all water eyed over women. I never have. There is just something about her.
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Bro, I was in the exact same situation. I did everything to help her and to be with her. It was such a F'D up mess. If I had one wish in life it would be to have never got involved. You sound like me. You like to be the rescuer in relationships. I was always attracted to girls who were in bad situations and I tried to help. (by getting them away from there "loser boyfriend", helping them get a place, a car, education, job, etc.) But, I eventually learned that the reason their lives were F-d up. Is because thats the way they wanted it.
but, thats just me. Take your time. There is no rush.
 
JerseyArt said:
(they are only just getting used to mom not being with dad),
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You are wise to recognize this. Because, the real hard part is when mommy is sleeping w/someone else. No matter, how nice the guy is. GET OFF MY MOM!! HELP! HELP!! (Oh sorry I just lost it for a second.)
 
They're just getting used to mom and dad being apart?
I thought mom went to another nation for 6 months or so, without dad and the kids?

Again, take some time with this. The amount of baggage here should act as a solid speed bump to keep you grounded and alert.
 
I'm sorry for not answering individually. So I'll try to incorporate it all here.

She's not a drama queen, or looking to latch on. She is a confident, intelligent person. He has some issues, but not unlike may guys. Basically he is irresponsible, and a bit lazy.

She's been disappointed before, but it isnt her fault, and she has a good attitude about it all. I would be willing to go slowly, but I understand her concerns, and I guess practically, share them when I think about it rationally. How much more can you invest in something that is a dead end. If it hurts this much to end it now, how much more so in a year, if things can never progress. The distance is significant enough to make a huge difference. Fuck, if it were a few hours drive either way, it wouldnt be an issue.

You are right in some ways witty. I do have that personality type. But most of this only came out later. Not because she was hiding anything, but because we were so caught up in the rest. She doesnt need me to fix her life. She earns good money, and has her shit together. She's an exceptional mother and person.

She's been fair to me, and always upfront about everything. We both have. It just blindsided both of us




Good luck Smurfy, I wish you both the best.
 
The right thing to do, (for her):

Continue being a great mother. Be there for her children.
As a single father, you NEVER EVER consider being away from your children for a second for some one else. Furthermore, you never consider taking your children away from someone(thing) they love for selfish reasons.
 
Sup man.

First off, I'm glad to hear you've found someone that makes you feel the way she does, that is awesome, special, and rare.

Its good to think ahead as well, although depending on how recent this is, it may be slightly premature to really take any action on it, but I'd say at least thinking about it is a good sign. You are not going into things blindly.

As far as what to do. I would say that she needs to be involved in this decision big time. When her and the father of her children split, they both should know that the other person was going to move on. That could include meeting someone new and moving who knows where with them. It isn't ideal for the children and it can be tough. There will come a point in the children's lives where they will be able to make the decision of who they would most like to live with as well. But it sounds like from what you have said the father isn't in very good shape financially to be able to provide.

I guess my advice is not to let this stop you, if she truly is as special as you described, it will be worth it for BOTH of you, not just you, to continue to pursue this. If it was just all about you, I'd say put the children's needs first, but this is about their mom as well.
 
Are you really interested in taking on the responsibility of fatherin her three kids.
If you aren't then all these other questions are moot.
 
The right thing to do (for you):

Give HER time to work through this. Be there for her, she's going to need someone to discuss these things with. Do not offer a place to stay, do not have her move in right away. Great long distance relationships don't always translate into great live-in relationships. Ain't nothing worse than breaking up with someone who sleeps next to you and has no way to move out on demand. If you don't listen to me practice the following scenario, "Hey, how was your day even though I hate you and wish you'd move the fuck out. What's on TV?"

Analyze the baggage to love quotient, make sure you're not taking on a lovely stray kitten only to find that it's pissing on your carpets and tearing up your curtains.
 
awittyusername said:
You are wise to recognize this. Because, the real hard part is when mommy is sleeping w/someone else. No matter, how nice the guy is. GET OFF MY MOM!! HELP! HELP!! (Oh sorry I just lost it for a second.)
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I would never do that to any child, even when it was offered by others. Some people amaze me, and that isn't her. Things would have to go very slowly with them in the best of scenarios.

Even in this she is being a good mom. She sees the potential for her heart being torn,and hurting me, and having to choose. She wants what is best for the children, even though we both feel that if it were just us, we would be together. It is hard to even progress normally because of that reality.
 
Thanks to all of you. And I will thank you all individually a little later.

She's such an incredible person. I guess if Im honest with myself, I was hoping for someone to say something that I don't really believe myself. That's its ok to think about us as well. I'm waiting for her to call, and I know its over. We want to spend a week together, some time alone. I guess for me I want to try and fit in all those things I want to share with her into a short amount of time. Just even to wake up beside her. To watch her dress, put on her makeup, dance with her. Spend the night making love to her. Its seems like so much for such a short amount of time.

I know she's right I'm just an eternal optimist. I feel young and strong. I always feel like I can force my way through anything. But I cant do that with two children, and with her. I dont want to. I dont want to try and convince her of soemthing I feel is wrong, or manipulate her into doing things she wouldn't want to do. I can't even try.
 
JerseyArt said:
I apologize because I can't give many particulars. Personal friends read this site, albeit they dont really post much, and it involves another person.

I met someone and I believe the two of us share something incredibly good together. It has progressed very quickly, more quickly than either of us would have imagined. I trust in the feelings she communicates to me, and I share them completely.

If it were just the two of us, I don't doubt that we would be together. Everything about her is unique, and so many of the things she makes me feel, what she does to me, how she effects me, I've never felt for anyone before. It's as if we knew each other intimately from the very start. She understands things about me that other girls have never comprehended in years together, and without my telling her. She communicates that the experience has been the same for her. And there has been incredible passion, much more so than anything I have ever felt before

But there is a catch. There are children involved, and anything between us would eventually require them to be seperated from their father. They are accustomed to seeing him almost daily. And we both understand that maybe before this gets too much deeper, if that is even possible, it may have to end.

I don't want it to, but I can't argue for taking children away from their dad, even if he was lousy to her. I want to fight to keep us together, but I can't get myself to say the words, because I know her concerns are valid, and even a lousy excuse for a father, is still a father.

What would you do?
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Wouldn't it be funny if, it turned out that, BBF was posing as the chick JA is in love with? Sending him phony pics, faking his voice on the phone, and coming up w/the elaborite situation w/kids,ex, etc. ;)
 
Lesson learned: Dont ever get involved with a woman that has kids. Period.
 
JerseyArt said:
I apologize because I can't give many particulars. Personal friends read this site, albeit they dont really post much, and it involves another person.

I met someone and I believe the two of us share something incredibly good together. It has progressed very quickly, more quickly than either of us would have imagined. I trust in the feelings she communicates to me, and I share them completely.

If it were just the two of us, I don't doubt that we would be together. Everything about her is unique, and so many of the things she makes me feel, what she does to me, how she effects me, I've never felt for anyone before. It's as if we knew each other intimately from the very start. She understands things about me that other girls have never comprehended in years together, and without my telling her. She communicates that the experience has been the same for her. And there has been incredible passion, much more so than anything I have ever felt before

But there is a catch. There are children involved, and anything between us would eventually require them to be seperated from their father. They are accustomed to seeing him almost daily. And we both understand that maybe before this gets too much deeper, if that is even possible, it may have to end.

I don't want it to, but I can't argue for taking children away from their dad, even if he was lousy to her. I want to fight to keep us together, but I can't get myself to say the words, because I know her concerns are valid, and even a lousy excuse for a father, is still a father.

What would you do?
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if i were you i would keep it strictly as someone to have sex with occasionally, if you cant do that then get out of it. it will be nothing but problems for you if it progresses beyond that. my gut feeling is that this aint her first time cheating on hubby and you are just filling a momentary void right now until the next guy comes around.
 
Code said:
They're just getting used to mom and dad being apart?
I thought mom went to another nation for 6 months or so, without dad and the kids?

Again, take some time with this. The amount of baggage here should act as a solid speed bump to keep you grounded and alert.
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Ummmm, he is not talking about me. I could see how you could make this conclusion, but I have a boyfriend and though I have difficulties in my life I do NOT allow nor do I NEED anyone to rescue me. I REFUSE to latch on to anyone for anything, so much so that some of my friends have even begun to pressure me to all but demand that my boyfriend begin to "take care of me" if he REALLY loves me.

One of the things that my boyfriend loves about me most is that I can and do take care of myself (with a little help from my family) and that I REFUSE to take his money - though he is beyond wealthy. I refuse to do it. I don't want or need a man for his money. I have and always do make due with what I have, though I have given up tens of thousands of dollars that is legally due me not to mention the only thing in this life that ever mattered to me: my kids because I truly did believe it was in THEIR best interest, a mistake that I have been busting my ass to rectify ever since they first told me that he was abusing them.

I can't advise Jersey what to do as he has not consulted me and even if he did, I couldn't tell him what to do. He is a good guy and a grown man, but he has to realize that not every women wants or NEEDS to be saved no matter how difficult their lives might seem to be to him or anyone else around. Life isn't always black and white nor does it follow a cookie cutter pattern for most. It isn't about the final destination, but about the journey. It is not our circumstances that decide our character, however, how we choose to react to them.

Good luck Jersey - I sincerely wish you well.
 
I never even put that together when he wrote it. I had just assumed he had misread what I had written
 
I made the same mistake.

Still the "other girl" sounds just as full of baggage.

onerepmaximum said:
I kind of thought he was talking about you. Guess not.

At any rate, I'm glad that you're back.
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onerepmaximum said:
I kind of thought he was talking about you. Guess not.

At any rate, I'm glad that you're back.
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LOL I kind of thought he was talking about me too! Then I realized who he was talking about and took my heart out of my throat....

Guys, I have a wonderful boyfriend. I love him very much and he seems to love me in return. I am taking it REAL SLOW with him. We have a very unconventional relationship, but that suits me and him quite well as "unconventional" is totally our middle names.

I had no idea Jersey was in such a quandry. He didn't want to "burden" me because he knew how ill I was. But I straightened his sorry ass out by letting him know that by not talking to me a bit he MADE ME WORRY ABOUT HIS SORRY GURLIE ASS! LOL

None of us has the answers here... not one of us. Only Jersey and the lovely lady in question and time will tell.

I can not advise. All I can say is that I understand how they both feel. In the end, what will be, will be. It seems that everyone concerned cares most for the children, so how could the outcome be bad?

We can't always get what we want, but life sure has an odd way of handing us exactly what we need.... even if we are kicking and screaming the whole way there.... that is EXACTLY what always seems to happen in the end. :)
 
Damn, I only posted on ten other threads that it wasn't Werd:)

You people need to spend less time in youre actual lives and more time reading here. I publicly posted it because so many people asked if you were someone I had in my avatar. I got tired of PMing people "No that isnt werd"
 
I was SOOOOO tempted to PM and ask if it was Werd.

But I figured your inbox was filled with similar questions, so I made the erroneous quantum leap.

My bad.

JerseyArt said:
Damn, I only posted on ten other threads that it wasn't Werd:)

You people need to spend less time in youre actual lives and more time reading here. I publicly posted it because so many people asked if you were someone I had in my avatar. I got tired of PMing people "No that isnt werd"
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No shit, about 20 people PMed or karmad asking. I replied no to all. Then I posted it on about ten different threads when people asked me there if the photo was Werd. I really had assumed everyone had seen that. I even posted it I think on her hospital thread:)

I've said 100 times me and Werd are only friends. Dude, she has a guy, and she's a good woman
 
LOL....

Not laughing at you Jersey, but you have to admit it is kind of funny that everyone (including me for about 2 braindead seconds) thought it was me.

Cheer up, buttercup... I honestly believe that last line of my previous post.

Everything will be ok... :)

I am really REALLY leaving now.

All of you have a grand afternoon.
 
The other reason I didnt put it together is because Werd lives in Jersey, and I made it clear the person was somewhere outside the area. I can drive to Werd in half hour
 
JerseyArt said:
No shit, about 20 people PMed or karmad asking. I replied no to all. Then I posted it on about ten different threads when people asked me there if the photo was Werd. I really had assumed everyone had seen that. I even posted it I think on her hospital thread:)

I've said 100 times me and Werd are only friends. Dude, she has a guy, and she's a good woman
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I guess I need to email you a pic of me for your avatar then. :verygood:
 
Thanks Werdo. That av was a nude though, so...:)

Code, man you did slip that by me. I remmeber readin it quick and responding that she wasnt married. Did you think I was making up the whole distance problem, or didn't you know Werdo is a Jersey girl
 
I thought you were trying to throw people off the Werd connection.

But you have to admit, the circumstances sounds similar.


JerseyArt said:
Thanks Werdo. That av was a nude though, so...:)

Code, man you did slip that by me. I remmeber readin it quick and responding that she wasnt married. Did you think I was making up the whole distance problem, or didn't you know Werdo is a Jersey girl
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But what would have been the point of the thread? She lives in Jersey, so the kids would still be near their father? You thought it was some other problem? Then why post asking about that specifically?
 
I'd been under the impression Werd lived elsewhere.
More specifically, somewhere in the Mid-West.

JerseyArt said:
But what would have been the point of the thread? She lives in Jersey, so the kids would still be near their father? You thought it was some other problem? Then why post asking about that specifically?
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Code said:
I thought you were trying to throw people off the Werd connection.

But you have to admit, the circumstances sounds similar.
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For about 2 seconds I even thought he Jersey was talking about me :worried: I was like, "Dayum! I had NO CLUE!!!" Then I read about the distance thing and realized *phew* I can take a chill pill. :FRlol:

Jersey - check your emails. I sent ya some luvins. ;)
 
persoanlly, i would never date a chic that has kids. no point in raising kids that arent mine. but it sounds like she wants to just use you...not that i read every thread
 
What gives you and the mother the right to start "taking away" the kids from their father? I don't get it?

They're *his* kids. He has the right to see them, under the judge's order, until they're 18. That's something you're gonna have to accept. Trying to bias the kids against their dad is very low, selfish and underhanded.
 
Let this thread die. Enough reminders.

She isn't a user. She has been nothing but decent, and has never asked for a thing. She has been completely upfront about everything. Neither of us really expected to develop such strong feelings for the other, especially so quickly. It hit us both by surprise.

She has made her decision, and I can't disagree with her reasoning. She will never be willing, nor would I expect her to, remove her children from their fathers area. That said, we really have no place to go as a couple, it's a dead end. It isn't that either of us are looking to move in with the other tomorrow. It's just that with no place to go long term, it wouldnt be right to either of us to continue with something that would have to end soon down the road. It would only be worse.

We're going to spend some time alone together, then try to be friends.
 
Razorguns said:
What gives you and the mother the right to start "taking away" the kids from their father? I don't get it?

They're *his* kids. He has the right to see them, under the judge's order, until they're 18. That's something you're gonna have to accept. Trying to bias the kids against their dad is very low, selfish and underhanded.
Click to expand...


Dude, neither of us are. The last post wasn't directed at you.

That's the problem. She wouldn't and I wouldnt want her to. She hasn't tried to bias the kids against the dad. If anything she keeps so much shit away from them so as to not interfere with their feelings for him. He in turn blames everything on her, and tells her the divorce is her fault. Even made her tell them by herself. Even to me she never spaks ill of him, just some matter of fact details, but no vehemence. He was lucky to have her, and he's a fucking shmuck.

I wrote this hoping I guess that someone could give me a good reason to do what I wanted to do, and not what I know to be right. She's right, and I won't try to change her mind. Just enjoy what time I have with her and take away only the positives.

Do me a favor and don't speak ill of her in this thread. It is inaccurate and unfair to her. She hasn't done anything but try to be a great mother to her kids.
 
If these kids are teenagers, then they are prolly already on autopilot...
=parents are food and $. Maybe it's just me, but I had no use for my
dad after about 12.
It sucks Mangy that you found someone so special (I've read your posts about her)and have it come to a dead end.
If I was you, I'd meticulously examine all possible options before dropping a toe tag on this relationship. I hope it works out.
 
Tough one dude! You have to be happy, but don't forget that family is one of the most important things in the world, and you have to respect that. No one will be able to truly help, as they are not privy to the feelings and the particulars of relationship with her and the children, as well as the family dynamic shared by her, the father and the children.

The only thing I can say is follow your heart and do the right thing. It should become clear what to do in time!
 
Nubly. Fuck off.

Ulcater: Thanks bro. They're younger, and the decision is made. I really don't see the circumstances changing. It sucks more than I wish to express here. She makes me laugh, and she's very sharp. She also has a great heart, and that's rare. She affects me more than I knew was possible, and I'm no babe in the woods.

Coverguy. I know. My dad is the most important thing in the world to me. I just got bad news aboutnhim, and I'm still coming to grips with that myself. I wouldnt want to take anyone away from their father. Good or bad, you can't break that bond, and I wouldn't wish to try. She knows that, and alweays puts her childrens interests first
 
JerseyArt said:
But there is a catch. There are children involved, and anything between us would eventually require them to be seperated from their father. They are accustomed to seeing him almost daily. And we both understand that maybe before this gets too much deeper, if that is even possible, it may have to end.

I don't want it to, but I can't argue for taking children away from their dad, even if he was lousy to her. I want to fight to keep us together, but I can't get myself to say the words, because I know her concerns are valid, and even a lousy excuse for a father, is still a father.

What would you do?
Click to expand...

Okay brother correct me if I am wrong but the way you worded that says she is still living or not divorced from her ex husband. IF this girl is important to you stick with her and be a friend to her children while you have a relationship with her. I don't understand why the kids would be seperated from their father. If he sees them daily then let, your relationship with the mother doesn't have to do with their relationship with their father.
Need more info brother... Are you thinking of moving in with her? Marrying her? Does she have sole custody?
Anyway, if she is right for you go for it, nothing says your relationship with her has to interfere with the kids and the father. I would have to hear the full story because I think you are holding some important facts back.
 
Mountain,

No Bro, I would never date a married woman. They have been apart for some time, and the legalities are just about complete.

It isn't that either of us plans on moving in with the other any time soon. She lives very far, not driving distance really. I could deal with seeing her on weekends and extended holidays. The problem is more along the lines of say we do that for a year+, the relationship matures, and we both want more. I'm 36, and I don't desire to be single forever either. There is no place for us to go. It isn't fair to either one of us, but even if I were willing to for myself, it is mostly unfair to her either. The feeling is that it will just be easier to break it off sooner rather than later, where the hurt would be far greater.
 
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