My life.......

[Julez]

I was sitting here wondering, what am I doing here? I look back on my life. I have very few nice memories. I have memories of being hurt, alone, sad, helpless. Now, yea now I'm a succesfull RN and part own a gym. I guess that is a good thing.

But I look back on my life. I have never done anything great. Or good for that manner. I have never been normal. I have always been labled as "crazy" or "Disturbed" or "Weird". Oh and my favorite growing up "The problem Child" "The looser" and the all time thing I heard the most "You will never amount to anything".

I think alot about my past. With all the stuff that has happened so far I wonder what I am doing here. Here in life. I wonder why I was born. Why me? I wonder what I have to offer people. What does a person like me have to offer.

What does the past mean? Does it say who you are? Who you will be? I remember why my parents tryed to give me away to the state. And I think back to all the "Your Nothing but trouble" comments made to me. I think about all the "Your just crazy" comments that were said to me.

I often think about stuff in my life. Why I am here. Why my sister died and not me. What do I have to offer that she does not? She could have been great. But instead she died and I lived. Mabye that was me that was supposed to die that day and there was a mixup. Who knows. But I wonder what things would have been like if I was not around. Would my parents had stayed togather? Whould my brother had been better off? Was it my fault they divorced? Alot of different ways the dominos could have fallen if I was not born. I wonder about if I were to drop off the face of the earth today if things would be better. Not for everyone in the world but for some. I mean it would be one less person causing problems.

Then I think about what is keeping me here. Why do I choose to go on. Or when I try to end it I somehow survive. I mean what's the dealI do alot of thinking at night about my life. And what I have to offer people. Or myself. Then I realise, I am no one special. Just another nobody waiting for his time. So I work my butt off as time runs out. Thinking about my life and where it has gone. With all the things wrong with me, It probably won't be long before my sand runs out and I am no more than a tomb stone in some grassy field. Forgotten, and alone as always. Well I am gonna go. I just needed to get these feelings out. Thank you.

 

[bunnymt]

I have often wondered many of the same things. Questioning life is a part of life. It will only help in your progression of self- introspection and knowledge. I have learned that over the years.

sincerely,

bunny

 

[Julez]

Hmmm I'm not normally so morbid.......

Last night, I was filling in for a friend in A+E(ER to you US peeps). One of my colleagues was having problems with a patient, he was punching the hell out off her. So anyway, I run over to help and he pulls out this syringe and stabs me with it(in my leg).

Immiadetly, I am punching this guy out..... now some of the uk guys here will vouch that I'm not exactly your regular male nurse type physique..... (320lbs)...... anyway I literally put this guy in a unconcious state.

So, the police come to question me, I find out he is HIV+

The guy has just unloaded about 4ml's of his own blood in me(
allegdly).

So, my manager has nowsuspended me for hitting a pt.

The police are talking about possible assault charges.

The nuring executive has advised me that I cannot woRk in ITU until my HIV status is confirmed.

I have to take these anti-HIV drugs, I know that they are not nice.

I am really thinking about life.....

 

[Kryp2o]

bunnymt . . . well said.

Julez, when someone tells you that you will never amount to anything (usualy a parent) you have to consider the source and say to yourself "wait a minute, has this person been so sucessful to the point were they can warent what they are telling me." Chances are the answer is no . . . always consider the source. That's what keeps me going, the fact that I was told that most of my life as well and I enjoy proving people wrong.

And don't ever think that things would be better if it was you in your sisters place, or that things might be better for others if you were not there. It could very well have been much worse. It was just simply your sisters time and there was nothing you could do or anyone else by that matter.

 

[Kryp2o]

Hmmm I'm not normally so morbid.......

Last night, I was filling in for a friend in A+E(ER to you US peeps). One of my colleagues was having problems with a patient, he was punching the hell out off her. So anyway, I run over to help and he pulls out this syringe and stabs me with it(in my leg).

Immiadetly, I am punching this guy out..... now some of the uk guys here will vouch that I'm not exactly your regular male nurse type physique..... (320lbs)...... anyway I literally put this guy in a unconcious state.

So, the police come to question me, I find out he is HIV+

The guy has just unloaded about 4ml's of his own blood in me(
allegdly).

So, my manager has nowsuspended me for hitting a pt.

The police are talking about possible assault charges.

The nuring executive has advised me that I cannot woRk in ITU until my HIV status is confirmed.

I have to take these anti-HIV drugs, I know that they are not nice.

I am really thinking about life.....

Wow! One hell of a night I would say. I assume they tested you for it have they?

 

[Julez]

yep, I was tested but the thing is, if I am HIV+ then it is not detectable for 3 months+... they actuallt told me they were doing it to see my CURRENT HIV status in case I sue the hospital.

 

[bunnymt]

yep, I was tested but the thing is, if I am HIV+ then it is not detectable for 3 months+... they actuallt told me they were doing it to see my CURRENT HIV status in case I sue the hospital.

Listen, I am sincerely sorry. It is oftentimes crises like these that make you question everything. I am really at a loss of words. Just try to stay positive. Perhaps this situation will help you to become a better person, you understand, a more complete person. Get a test done in 3 months and then another one 3 months from then and another 3 months after that....up to 2 years or longer just to be sure.

wishing you the best.

bunny

 

[Kryp2o]

yep, I was tested but the thing is, if I am HIV+ then it is not detectable for 3 months+... they actuallt told me they were doing it to see my CURRENT HIV status in case I sue the hospital.

Well I'm not a lawyer, but it sounds like you have a case against them anyway for the way they made you out to the bad guy. That's just total bullshit in my opinion.

 

[Julez]

Thanks......

In life I guess that I have one thing..... my job..... I have always wanted to be a nurse and I LOVE my job.

Maybe I could have been have probably done a lot better(financially) but I have allways loved nursing.... I woul do it for free!

I could probably have been a pro bodybuilder but my job came first.......

Now everything has changed, I really cannot handle this.

 

[bunnymt]

I could probably have been a pro bodybuilder but my job came first.......

Now everything has changed, I really cannot handle this.

You can still become a pro bodybuilder...there is nothing stopping you. Furthermore, if you concentrate on bodybuilding, it may take your mind off of the uncontrollable circumstances around you and the 3 month intervals between testings.
Everything has changed. There have been times in my life when everything changed. It is overwhelming but you have to take things day by day and remember what is most important to you. Live life to the fullest.

bunny

 

[Kryp2o]

Sounds like life is making a call for change. I'm in the middle of this myself but for the better.

 

[Julez]

You can still become a pro bodybuilder...there is nothing stopping you. Furthermore, if you concentrate on bodybuilding, it may take your mind off of the uncontrollable circumstances around you and the 3 month intervals between testings.
Everything has changed. There have been times in my life when everything changed. It is overwhelming but you have to take things day by day and remember what is most important to you. Live life to the fullest.

bunny

What you say is so nice..... A friend from work just came round(here it's 6:30 in the morning)....

I am 30 in April so I don't think theres chance of me being a pro-bb.

I am so confused right now..... I'm glad my friend is here, all I want to do is hug her and cry.

 

[Kryp2o]

What you say is so nice..... A friend from work just came round(here it's 6:30 in the morning)....

I am 30 in April so I don't think theres chance of me being a pro-bb.

I am so confused right now..... I'm glad my friend is here, all I want to do is hug her and cry.

Never say never . . . I've learned this the hard way in life. But it's so very true.

 

[bunnymt]

What you say is so nice..... A friend from work just came round(here it's 6:30 in the morning)....

I am 30 in April so I don't think theres chance of me being a pro-bb.

I am so confused right now..... I'm glad my friend is here, all I want to do is hug her and cry.

Just because you are 30 doesnt mean that you cant compete and get into the best shape of your life...even if you don't go pro, so what?
everything will be ok..keep me posted.

sincerely,
bunny

 

[Kryp2o]

I am so confused right now..... I'm glad my friend is here, all I want to do is hug her and cry.

Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you just need to "unload the mind so to speak."

 

[dballer]

HOLY SHIT!!!
I am really sorry to read this.

Now it is time to do one of two things. Get really good at forgiving or seek revenge.

I pray for the best!!!

I hope you hit him really hard too.

 

[Jimsbbc]

I think I would have to kill that guy no matter what.

 

[Crazier]

I was sitting here wondering, what am I doing here? I look back on my life. I have very few nice memories. I have memories of being hurt, alone, sad, helpless. Now, yea now I'm a succesfull RN and part own a gym. I guess that is a good thing.

You're a succesful RN, and you wonder what good you have on this earth. Julez... to the person lying sick in the bed, whether you put a smile on their face, or you make their pain go away, when they look at you, they see an answer to their pain. They see someone that helps them. When you touch them, they feel comfort. Never question what good you do on this earth. If you have doubt, ask your patients. Or your family. Look at the torment and questions your sister's death has caused you, and all your loved ones. I'll get to that later though.

But I look back on my life. I have never done anything great. Or good for that manner. I have never been normal. I have always been labled as "crazy" or "Disturbed" or "Weird". Oh and my favorite growing up "The problem Child" "The looser" and the all time thing I heard the most "You will never amount to anything".

Whoever told you these things should be kicked in the jaw. I'd like to kick you in the jaw to help you realize that these things weren't true back then, nor are they true now. Personally, I prefer to be called crazy. As for never doing anything great... I beg to differ. I imagine every patient you have ever helped feels the same way as I do. I doubt your sister does either. Nor your brother. Nor your parents. Nor your friends.

I think alot about my past. With all the stuff that has happened so far I wonder what I am doing here. Here in life. I wonder why I was born. Why me? I wonder what I have to offer people. What does a person like me have to offer.

Love I suppose. Just like everyone else, you have the power to show and give everyone you meet love. I believe there is an afterlife, and we will be judged for our actions in this life. However, if I live my life accordingly, I wouldn't be upset if it wasn't so... because the relief and love I issued to someone else, not only did it make them feel better, it makes me feel better. I don't do it for a guaranteed spot in heaven. Like you, you do it because it makes you feel better. You should realize you have a greater impact on people than you can realize. What would happen if you got hit by a bus tomorrow. Seriously? What would the repurcussion's be to your family and friends. You can see, you certainly amount to something of great importance.

What does the past mean? Does it say who you are? Who you will be? I remember why my parents tryed to give me away to the state. And I think back to all the "Your Nothing but trouble" comments made to me. I think about all the "Your just crazy" comments that were said to me.

The past is what makes is what makes transformation, and the viewing of transformation so awesome. It certainly doesn't say who you will be. The mistakes we've made in the past, and the pain they caused, the change they made in us... the person they made us become... that's what's important. A perfect life from the beginning wouldn't be worth watching. The only life worth watching would be the one with imperfections, lifelong lessons, painful events, that carved you into the person you become... that's what is important. The people that said 'your nothing but trouble', or 'your just crazy', well Julez... that's simply because they didn't understand you. Can you argue that viewpoint?

I often think about stuff in my life. Why I am here. Why my sister died and not me. What do I have to offer that she does not? She could have been great. But instead she died and I lived. Mabye that was me that was supposed to die that day and there was a mixup. Who knows. But I wonder what things would have been like if I was not around. Would my parents had stayed togather? Whould my brother had been better off? Was it my fault they divorced? Alot of different ways the dominos could have fallen if I was not born. I wonder about if I were to drop off the face of the earth today if things would be better. Not for everyone in the world but for some. I mean it would be one less person causing problems.

I'm glad to hear you often think of stuff in your life. That can do nothing but make you a better person. I'm sorry to hear about your sister Julez. I'm sure she could have been great. But don't underestimate yourself, and don't sell yourself short and think that you can't. For one reason or another, the only truth is that you didn't go, and she did. Whether she had accomplished her mission in life, whether her death resulted in a change to you or someone close to you, that situation certainly affected another person's life deeply. You weren't taken... that's not a mix up my friend. You weren't ready to go. You still have a person's or multiple's person's live's to touch.

What kind of problems do you cause that would relieve the world of problems if you weren't born or around? If you are an evil person, and you believe yourself to be, then you, and only you can change that. If you consider yourself to be a good person, that lives for the greater good... then how could you consider yourself to be a problem?

Your parent's relationship wouldn't have been stronger without you around. Is there any reason why it would? You can't blame yourself for this kind of shit my friend. It's out of your hands. If you died, your sister would probably wonder the same question. Your parent's couldn't handle being together, not because of you, your sister, or brother. They just couldn't handle being togethe because of each other.


Then I think about what is keeping me here. Why do I choose to go on. Or when I try to end it I somehow survive. I mean what's the deal? I wonder why my friends want to be friends with me. I mean what does a person like me have to offer? I still live at home. I don't have a job or a girlfriend. I am not rich. I'm not famous. So what is left? Mabye they feel sorry for me? Dunno.

Well. You haven't been taken out of this life. Mysteriously, you were brought into it. And, mysteriously, somehow you will be taken out of it just as you were brought into it. You are not rich, you are not famous, you don't have a girlfriend... join the motherfucking club. You're certainly not alone on this one my friend.

I do alot of thinking at night about my life. And what I have to offer people. Or myself. Then I realise, I am no one special. Just another nobody waiting for his time. So I work my butt off as time runs out. Thinking about my life and where it has gone. With all the things wrong with me, It probably won't be long before my sand runs out and I am no more than a tomb stone in some grassy field. Forgotten, and alone as always. Well I am gonna go. I just needed to get these feelings. Thank you.

Only you can change your life. You may have made some shitty decisions in the past, but that doesn't mean it's too late.

If it was, you wouldn't have written this letter... and you wouldn't think about it all the time.

Maybe, this very reason is why you are still here.
--

 

[Crazier]

Sorry about the above... I quoted where you quoted... I don't know how to break it all up.

Peace.
--

 

[polarpixie]

Julez....damn...sorry that's happened to you!!! How effective are those anti HIV pills?

I think almost everyone gets confused about their purpose on earth. Most people don't bother to dwell so much on it and they just go about their business. The ones that do dwell and question it all the time tend not to talk about it. Don't wonder why you are here and not your sisiter, make your life about something other people can learn from. and Don't forget, you go on because other people need you to.

 

[danielson]

im reaslly sorry that happened bro....i doubt they will press charges considering you were just defending yourself, otherwise you could threaten to have the HIV guy locked up for trying to kill you

i hope the test goes well in 3 months...you managed to get the drugs inside you pretty quick so thats good....keep taking them, i now they make you feel extremely sick but you know you need too

no matter what your status there are still many nursing roles you can fulfill. i dont think they can force you out of work over this, no one would be willing as you could sue them over their malpractise (by allowing a patient with a 'sharp' into the ward in the first place; people routinely sue companies over accidents they suffer at work) but im not sure on this im not a lawyer

stay strong, and remember you have friends around you

 

[Bikini Mod]

Hey YOU!

I want to talk to YOU.... YEA YOU! Don't you EVEN give me that "Why am I here, I'll never amount to anything BULLSHIT!"

FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK EVERYONE that EVER put you down!

Ummmmmmm, wait a minute.... I've taken a deep cleansing breath and now it is a bit more clear.

No, don't FUCK them.... THANK THEM! They helped make you what you are today. If it weren't for them, then you would not have become the miraculous person you are today.

Shit, because you didn't find a cure for cancer that means that you are nothing special?! ARE YOU RETARDED?! (Please don't take offense anybody... I think you realize where I am headed with all of this.)

Do you have A CLUE as to how many peoples' lives you have POSITIVELY AFFECTED not only because of your chosen profession, but because of WHO YOU ARE?!

DAMN IT JULEZ - YOU DON'T HAVE A FREAKING CLUE!!!

 

[manny78]

Julez one question: are you on clomids ?

 

[Bikini Mod]

Julez -

Please forgive my "pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps-suck-it-up-and-go-on" post. I was just so shocked to read what you posted and because I was short on time (my girls were due home from mass) I didnt want to NOT reply....

I wrote the EXACT OPPOSITE of what you probably needed. I did the "guy thing" and tried to kick your ass when what you probably need is someone to tell you that no matter how bad things seem NOW - THEY WILL BE OK.

I am very sorry... please forgive my haste.

In my closing line I said that you have no idea how many people's lives YOU have positively impacted. One of those people happens to be me.

I think my long distance this month will prevent me from a chat on the telephone - LOL.

But if you like, you can IM me. Just shoot me a PM and I will be happy to let you unload, jump up and down, pound your fists or just break down and BE.....

IMHO reading between the lines of your posts - YOU ARE TRULY A REAL MAN... AN EXCELLENT MALE ROLE MODEL NOT ONLY TO BODYBUILDERS - BUT MEN PERIOD - ESPECIALLY YOUNG MEN! Far too many men glamorize and raise thier fists in haste talking about how good it felt to beat the shit out of someone.... YOU DON'T DO THAT. You are A MAN and YOU KNOW that you don't have to prove this to anyone with might, though you are obviously aptly capable. Instead, you use your hands and heart TO HEAL AND COMFORT - THAT IS A REAL MAN.

If you ever want to chat.... just reach out and I will be happy and honoured to listen!

 

[polarpixie]

Jules, you feeling any better?

 

[Sassy69]

Hey Julez -- man what a day. I'm hoping for the best outcome for you so you can get back to business.

We all definitely spend time wondering about the past, but as bmom, that past is what made you the person you are today. You are obviously a person of great integrity & constitution to be in the position that you are and loveing what you do. (Personally I'm getting laid off from a job I didn't particularly like, but at least it paid the bills. The more depressing part is I still dont' know what I want to be when I grow up despite being older than 30 and well educated in 3 different fields. On the other hand, I have the whole world as my opportunity now too....)

You can reflect on the past, but always look to the future because its what you still have control over and what you can look forward too.

As far as pro bb -- after seeing the Arnold, I dont' think professional bb'ing is all its cracked up to be. I'm thinking ol Ronnie C. is spending most of his earnings on "supps" & doctors right now anyway. From my couple of local competitions, I've gathered that most peeps do it for the personal satisfaction or maybe some commercial opportunities. Otherwise, its a damn ugly, politically-determined, very harsh life. Keep your day job.

I will be thinking of you and hope that all goes well and also that you find that part of your life that makes you happy because it is ultimately the one that matters!

 

[smallmovesal]

oh man what a predicament... i can't see the assault sticking as you reacted to a threatening situation.

i hope your health remains good... and i hope you sue.

pm if you want to talk.

 

[Wombat]

First thing to do is go get yourself a lawyer...Don't worry about the cost of one---you will do fine with the hospital.....After you leave the lawyers office go see a shrink.....Even if you don't think you need to, it will look that much better with "your" lawsuit.......

No matter what anyone tells you, you must and I mean "MUST" follow through with a lawsuit. against the aids patient--your supervisor, and the hosiptal....That is why they suspended you...They will fuck you over in a heartbeat...stop being a punching bag for everyone and take care of yourself.....But you must talk to a lawyer and do not talk to anyone at the hospital without first getting yourself a lawyer....Even if the guy doesn't have AIDS, you are going through something that knowone has to go through......Unfortunatly money is the only thing that they can offer you. It will be settled out of court no problem and you will get a nice chunck of change. If the UK is anything like the U.S----peace

 

[T-800]

Last night, I was filling in for a friend in A+E(ER to you US peeps). One of my colleagues was having problems with a patient, he was punching the hell out off her. So anyway, I run over to help and he pulls out this syringe and stabs me with it(in my leg).

Immiadetly, I am punching this guy out..... now some of the uk guys here will vouch that I'm not exactly your regular male nurse type physique..... (320lbs)...... anyway I literally put this guy in a unconcious state.

So, the police come to question me, I find out he is HIV+

The guy has just unloaded about 4ml's of his own blood in me(
allegdly).

holy sh!t!!! what a story!! dude i really feel for ya.. i would be absolutely fvcking enraged if that happened to me!! i really wish u the best with ur test.. i know wishing doesn't do anything..but damn it, that sh!t just pisses me off!! what a worthless fvck...to stick his needle in you when he has that...he should be sent to prison..

 

[Milhouse]

Well Julex I know we dont exactly like each other but I really do hope that your tests come up negative.

What that guy did was really low and you should look into sueing the hospital and this cocksmoker as well.

 

[Julez]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. I guess this kinda thing puts a lot of things in perspective.

Well the situation is this, I have been given a sickly combinaton of anti virals(and yes they do make you feel like shit).

In the mean time(today actually) I have been offered a temp. post on an EMI unit(elderly mentally ill) of course my role would have certain limitations.

Tommorow, I am going to talk to some lawyers from my proffesional association, the RCN(Royal College of Nursing. We will be discussing possible action against the hospital amongst other things. I do have insurance with the RCN, and they may well undertake legal action on my behalf.

As for the guy that did it to me, the police say that they are going to charge him with assualt with a deadly weapon occasioning grevious bodily harm(or something like that, I am going to speak to them this afternoon). In any case, the guy is back in prison as he breachd his parole conditions(again, I am not too clear on this either). To be honest I am trying not to think about this subhuman, everytime I do I get angry.

The police are not charging me with anything.

Myself, I might do some agency nursing work, I really do not want to go back to the hospital, as I said they have offered me a temp post in the EMI unit but it can't be wise working for the same institution I am planning on suing(can it?).

I am just afraid that this may end up in the press, then what? Until my HIV status is confirmed in three months time, it would make it very difficult for me to work in nursing. My family are suggesting I take the time of, maybe even go away for a while. To be honest with you though I'd much rather keep busy, not brood on this situation too much.

I may just spend more time working down my gym, it's amazing that I work in the caring profession yet it's the bro's dwn the gym(well the very few that know the story) that have been the most supportive, most of my so called colleages(nurses, dr's) have not even bothered to even call me, of course some have been bloody marvellous.

The past few days I have not slept very well, I have felt like shit both physically and mentally, I got some lorezepam and Zopiclone from the Dr yesterday and it does make me feel better but I can't think straight(as this rambling thread probably indicates) and still can't sleep well.

Anyway guys, I am going to take a walk and try to clear my head, again, thanks for all your support- thanks Millhouse/KingJohn, it means a lot to me that people I sometimes don't get on with are behind me, I guess this whole situation puts our petty disagreements into perspective, right?

Again, all you people have been great, God bless

 

[Bikini Mod]

Again.... all I can say is that you are A REAL MAN. If there were more MEN like you, Julez (and I am not saying this to kiss your butt out of pity. I NEVER EVER say anything that I DO NOT MEAN 100%) this world would be a far better place.

You got my PM...

If you ever need anything, just let me know.