my life, need advice

[Lee]

the past 18 months of my life have been like a phsical beat down on my mind. ive gone through almost everything any normal human goes through in his/her lifetime. ive been homeless, poor, bullied, drunk, stoned, strung out, depressed, and pissed for the entire time. i've finally made it to where I have an apartment with 2 friends, and a job that pays the bills. I'm having so much trouble with depression that it gets to the point that I think of killing myself before trying to resolve my problems sensebly. i don't know how many of you have had depression but tonight brought all of my pent up rage and hate to a head, and I have had serious thoughts about ending it to stop the worrying and torment. I'm sitting here contemplating the next years of my life, too see if it's worth it. I turned to this board for this because it had the most honest and most trustworthy people I have ever known. I know I am a smart and whitty person, but I do not know if I have the ability to put this to the test. I need help, I'm not affraid to say it. I need help, or it's all over for me.

 

[ghettostudmuffin]

Well if this isn't a joke then I gotta tell ya I feel for ya man.

Life is hard. This isn't the movies or books where every thing works out. That's why we have those things.

I've been in some pretty low situations and worse.

Be thankful you are healthy. I can say with 100% scientific fact and logic that there are people that wish they could be you or like you. Seriously, like over weight people, people in wheel chairs, people dying of an illness, disfigured people etc. You've got it good in the grand scheme of things. But I know it's hard to see it like that at times. Sometimes it feels like the world's one big shithouse and you're getting crapped on by everyone and every thing. You gotta stay strong. Think about lifting. That makes you happy. If anything, you keep going to lift because it's a part of you and makes you feel good.

I've blown lot's of things in my life. I coulda gone to a major university and done anything I wanted to if I'd maintained my 4.0gpa, but instead I got into drugs and fucked my education way up. I've been strung out on crank, homeless, bullied, beated, belittled, lied to, whatever. I even stole from a good friend of mine once to buy drugs. That sucks and I can't take it back. I've blown chances with some beautiful girls that liked me. I crashed my father's friends car and totalled cuz of drunk driving. I've been shot at. I've mugged people. I've done some bad shit and I'm not proud of it. I've had just as much bad stuff happen to me. KARMA is REAL.

All I can say is keep on going man. Lift weights. Keep your mind focused on what's important to you and try to pursue it as best you can. Don't give up. Never. A wise man said once that the best thing you can do is keep playing.

Stay off the drugs. That includes alchohol and marijuana because they won't help you feel any better. 100% clean and drug free (I'm not talking about AAS though haha) is the best way to go.

We all have our tough times, but they come and go like the seasons. Life's a roller coaster ride and you gotta ride out the highs and lows with a smile.

I hope you feel better bro.

 

[H_T_]

you jus took a huge step in making things better, it always feels good to let it out. internalizing things only makes it worse. you made a decision to find some help or at least someone to listen to you, now you know that you're capable of fighting these feelings back when they take hold. but try to maintain a level head and not go off all the time, you don't want to drive away people by dumping on them constantly, i used to do this myself, and it's much easier for someone to help you thru if they know that you are making an effort to help yourself. jus be strong, and realize that someone out there cares about you, prolly alot of people, and the hurt for them would be tremendous, if you chose that way out. hang in there.shit gets better, lifes worth living.

 

[bignate73]

honestly Lee. I know a great deal about how you feel. I haven't had probably nearly the hard times you had, but I know what it feels like to wish to be numb. I know what its like to drink yourself to sleep. I know what its like to be so mad you make your own nose bleed just thinking. I know what its like to be pushed to the edge. Doing things you know aren't right. I know depression.

Lee, the key here is to listen. Listen keenly to what you are learning. All of these things happening to you are not to push you to death, but to push you to life! These things are making impressions on you, and believe it or not, its making you stronger than you ever thought possible. Just think about how much you have been through, and how you're still standing here! I know its hard to find confidence, but victories like that are what give you confidence when you take a step back. You realize that the things you've gone through, give you strength, even though you felt weak. Getting through that hurdle, is what tells you that the next thing that comes to you, you can handle too. This is how courage is made. Courage isnt being fearless, its knowing you've overcome something terrible and when that situation or one similar arises, you'll be able to get through it and triumph.

I appreciate your coming here to ask for help. I know what its like to deal with alot of pain alone. It throws terrible thoughts in your head. Never, Never give up respect for yourself. I want you to find 3 things you want to be strong about, not fear or be able to overcome and write them down. Then write down a POSITIVE statement about it. I'll give you an example, for me one of my fears is meeting people. I personally know that I can out talk most people, and have great rapport building skills. so i have to tell myself : "I approach people with confidence." Its called positive self talk or positive affirmations. YOu may be saying it half heartedly at first, but what you can commit to saying out loud, you physically manifest in yourself. Eventually you build confidence in what you are saying. what you do with these fears is basically talk yourself out of them. you do this when you first wake up, and before you go to bed, you say each positive affirmation 3 times. Its like reprogramming your mindset. For some reading on the subject, check out "What you say when you talk to yourself", i cant remember the author.

Another thing you might want to do is Journal all of the things that bother you. When you sort them out by writing and rereading it, it forces you to deal with the issues that bother you, instead of suppressing them. Its like writing a venting letter to someone it feels great to get it off your chest.

Lee, I'm concerned for you. I know what it feels like to have low regard for your own well being. If you ever need to talk to someone, email me direct [email protected]. you can also yahoo IM me "bignate_73". I've been around the block a few times, i may have some insight.

please feel free to hit me up anytime.

 

[njlw226]

im not going to type a long message because it would be a repeat of everything said above. AOL IM: jacoby226 hit me up, ill tell you how i got through times like this. stay strong. eventually youll look back and say "what was i thinking!!??"

 

[big4life]

I can't say it any better than what has already been said. I just want you to hang in there and keep pushing forward. Set some goals, long and short term and push yourself to reach them. And don't forget to give yourself credit for your accomplishments, no matter how small they seem.

Good luck and know that we're here for you.

 

[velvett]

honestly Lee. I know a great deal about how you feel. I haven't had probably nearly the hard times you had, but I know what it feels like to wish to be numb. I know what its like to drink yourself to sleep. I know what its like to be so mad you make your own nose bleed just thinking. I know what its like to be pushed to the edge. Doing things you know aren't right. I know depression.

Lee, the key here is to listen. Listen keenly to what you are learning. All of these things happening to you are not to push you to death, but to push you to life! These things are making impressions on you, and believe it or not, its making you stronger than you ever thought possible. Just think about how much you have been through, and how you're still standing here! I know its hard to find confidence, but victories like that are what give you confidence when you take a step back. You realize that the things you've gone through, give you strength, even though you felt weak. Getting through that hurdle, is what tells you that the next thing that comes to you, you can handle too. This is how courage is made. Courage isnt being fearless, its knowing you've overcome something terrible and when that situation or one similar arises, you'll be able to get through it and triumph.

I appreciate your coming here to ask for help. I know what its like to deal with alot of pain alone. It throws terrible thoughts in your head. Never, Never give up respect for yourself. I want you to find 3 things you want to be strong about, not fear or be able to overcome and write them down. Then write down a POSITIVE statement about it. I'll give you an example, for me one of my fears is meeting people. I personally know that I can out talk most people, and have great rapport building skills. so i have to tell myself : "I approach people with confidence." Its called positive self talk or positive affirmations. YOu may be saying it half heartedly at first, but what you can commit to saying out loud, you physically manifest in yourself. Eventually you build confidence in what you are saying. what you do with these fears is basically talk yourself out of them. you do this when you first wake up, and before you go to bed, you say each positive affirmation 3 times. Its like reprogramming your mindset. For some reading on the subject, check out "What you say when you talk to yourself", i cant remember the author.

Another thing you might want to do is Journal all of the things that bother you. When you sort them out by writing and rereading it, it forces you to deal with the issues that bother you, instead of suppressing them. Its like writing a venting letter to someone it feels great to get it off your chest.

Lee, I'm concerned for you. I know what it feels like to have low regard for your own well being. If you ever need to talk to someone, email me direct [email protected]. you can also yahoo IM me "bignate_73". I've been around the block a few times, i may have some insight.

please feel free to hit me up anytime.

Couldn't be said better.

 

[Lee]

thanks for your time guys. ive been thinking a lot today about what i need to do. and i dunno how many of you read my post about a year ago about my dad kicking me out of the house a month after my high school graduation and then moving to ohio. i i literally had no money whatsoever. i had a pos car that caused me more problems then helped. now that ive made it back on my feet i looked back at what ive gone through. im gonna go see my family for christmas. including my dad. i decided i need to face him and become a family again. i cant live my whole life hating my family. it sucks cuz i look at all my friends with loving parents who have never been divorced, its like watching a movie about peoples perfect lives. then i think of my family, 3 divorces between my 2 parents. i havent seen my mom in 4 years, i talk to her, but its not the same as spending time with her. i spent the last 18months cursing my dad and hoping the worst for him. i think the family issue is the biggest variable in my depression. everyone needs family, and i dont have one. i leave the 23rd to fly to ohio to see my family. ill let u guys know how it goes after i get back. this is probably gonna be the ultimate test for me.

 

[velvett]

everyone needs family, and i dont have one.

Don't cage yourself into thinking that family is only through blood relations.

 

[njlw226]

i agree about family bro. its very important. i think you should do everything possible to make sure you are on good terms with your family. thats just one thing less you have to stress about. sounds like alot of your problems deals with financial matters as well. just a guess but it sounds like you arent in college. take some classes and work towards that degree. the increase in self worth, and in paycheck is WELL worth it. i know college costs money, but there are always grants, and student loans. also, if you have lots of financial burdens, some schools give lots of financial aid that you never have to pay back. another tip i have for you is self improvement. everything from body, diet, mood, skin care, you name it. try and improve every aspect of your life you can. your confidence will skyrocket!! stay strong!!!!!!!!!!

 

[BlondBomber]

Dude, I went through similiar experiences, so I know how hard it is. What I did when I thought about killing myself, I tried indirectly many times through chemical means, was think that there is always a tomorrow. The gym will always be there and each day can be day one. That is how I quit being an alcoholic, substance abuser and chain smoker. Everyday you wake up, you can start a new. I got a calendar and a marker, at night I would mark off everyday that I was free from the chains of addiction. I tried to focus on eating right and training, something that no one could take away from me, and something that only I affect change on. Like GhettoStudMuffin I messed school up, and also lost my best friends and had to move back in with my Mom. I was down, but I started to visualize how I would like my life to be. I imagined the physique that I wanted to build, the bachelor's degree I will receive one day, the man that I wanted to become and the family I wanted to father. As neurotic and self-absorbed as I am, when I was really down I envisioned my future. My loving wife and the children I wanted to have. The house and white picket fence and all that. I decided I wanted to live and start a family that I would never hurt. Never hurt like I was.
I still struggle with depression from time to time, but the two things that helped me most were medication primarily, and to a lesser degree counseling. I know that medication can be expensive if you don't have health insurance, the same with counseling, but if you can manage it, go see someone. Taking anti-depressants enabled me to quit smoking (one of its uses), be able to read a book for the first time in my life and basically start to really live life.
I wish you the best brother. You a man with his whole life in front of himself, you can bet anything. You can do it. I have faith in you and so does every other person on this board.
Have a great Christmas, and keep your head up!

 

[guldukat]

Lee,

You're a fine young man. I doubt I could wish for a better little brother for myself if I tried.

I really can't add anything to what's already been said. I've some experience with depression, and I can tell you, bad as things sometimes seem, they always--ALWAYS--get better. They did for me, and they will for you. I swear to God they truly will.

My e-mail addy's WRobert525 at aol.com. Write me anytime about anything, from saying hello to venting should you feel the need. I talk a lot, but I know when to shut up and listen, too

Keep being strong. I'm proud of you Lee.

-Sean

 

[H_T_]

how's things, Lee? hope yer doin' good........

 

[musclebosun]

everythings been said already so... fuck it, have some karma. Always make me feel better