Moving In Together...

[nokaoibeachgirl]

Hi Ladies. I am pretty new to elite fitness but have been looking around on the message boards quite a bit. Anyway I had a question and was hoping some of you might be able to offer some opinions. Actually not so much a question, but I was just wondering about any opinions that you ladies had on moving in with your boyfriends. How many of you have done this? Has it been a good experience? And do you have any words of warning?

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and we have always spent a lot of time together. I love him very much and most of all I am so happy sharing my time with him. It is so great having someone to share training and dieting with, and someone who I can have so much fun with while doing absolutely nothing. I'd like to move in with him for many reasons. Number one being that I'd like to sleep with him every night, number two being that it is chaotic going back and forth all of the time between my place and his (I live at home still, and feel like I have no home since I am running back and forth all of the time), and number three because I think we are ready to take that step. He is not quite as ready as me but mentioned it last night and will be ready quite soon I presume. (I have been careful not to push him on the issue)

Any advice or opinions on the subject would be appreciated. Thanks a lot girls.

 

[MILF69]

I am a very firm believer that you should live together before you get married. You find out alot about eachother that way...and if you find out something that you just can't live with than you find out right away and not after you marry.

 

[scorpiogirl]

You still live with your parents and he doesn't, correct? Why isn't he ready? What reason did he give you? .....and how old is he? ...and you for that matter.

 

[velvett]

I think it's good to live with your boyfriend, Milf is right you do learn a lot about each other and how you interact when you see each other 24/7.

However - it has to be the guy's idea - he has to be practically begging you or moving yourself over himself or after your first fight he'll be telling you that he never wanted you there and you forced your way in.

Men can be weird like that.

 

[Puddles]

I definitely believe in living together before marriage but like Velvett said, I think it only works right when the guy really really wants you there. If you think he may not be ready for this step, you're probably right. Go with your gut instincts.

 

[nokaoibeachgirl]

I live with my father (Moved back home to save money after being away for a few years), and he lives with a roommate with whom I do not get along. Anyway I am 21 and he will be 30 in February. He has lived with 2 previous girlfriends and says that he wants to take things slow with me because I'm special and he doesn't want to wreck anything. For some men this might be an excuse but for him I know it isn't. I appreciate the feedback though. You're right I should wait until he is the one begging. And that is what I will do. Also though I have a theory, I sleep over at his place pretty often. So pretty much he is reaping the benefits of living together (sex, someone to sleep and wake up with) without actually taking the plunge. I mean really what's the motivation for him to move in with me? So I have an idea, sleep over at his house less. Some may say this is manipulation, but I disagree, it's setting boundaries. I hate going back and forth from my place to his and I feel like a hobo and all of my belongings are disorganized as a result. So you see I can set a boundary and only sleep over say once a week. This will make my life less stressful and will make him think about just how much he wants me around and what he's willing to do to achieve that. What do you guys think of this plan?

 

[velvett]

I think you're young and probably very sweet and easily lead.

I also think he likes having sex with other people when he gets the urge and that is why he tells you what he does - taking it slow, blah, blah, blah.

I'm not trying to hurt you but if he wanted to live with you there would not be this much thought involved it would just happen.

 

[nokaoibeachgirl]

Thanks for the insight Velvett, however I must refute. I know for a fact that he does not sleep with other people. We have absolute trust in our relationship. He is the most moral person that I have ever met in my life. It's too bad that so many men are dishonest because it tends to cause people to assume that all men are like that, and mine is not. I trust him 100%, I don't care if he has female friends, goes to the bar, or goes on trips with buddies, I know that he will never stray. I know this because he loves me and is with me for a reason. If there was another girl out there who was better for him, she would be his girlfriend and not me.

I see everyone's points however. Basically yes Velvett there shouldn't be so much thought put into it. I keep hoping he'll want to and hoping is doing nothing. I was thinking about it after I wrote my previous post, and I decided not to think about it anymore lol. I am just going to enjoy our relationship as it is, because it is nearly perfect. Why mess with a good thing right? But I am still going to stay over at his place less, simply because it sucks going back and forth, and it makes me cranky.

He doesn't want to live with me and for the time being that's just fine with me Thanks for all the opinions guys.

 

[velvett]

Thanks for the insight Velvett, however I must refute. I know for a fact that he does not sleep with other people. We have absolute trust in our relationship. He is the most moral person that I have ever met in my life. It's too bad that so many men are dishonest because it tends to cause people to assume that all men are like that, and mine is not.

Hey I thought that way once and he turned out to be married in a neighboring state, owned houses and business - even two sets of driver's licenses. LOL and I stayed in his home, traveled with him - spent most of each with him.

Frankly you're too young for a 31 year old (IMHO), unless he's really immature and really not in a place in his life that a typical 31 would be and he probably knows that and his distance has to do with whether or not he is ready to take such a step with you. Even nice guys and girls hurt other people - you don't have to be a jerk to do something hurtful to another person.

Good Luck but also realize no one thinks it will happen to them until it does.

That said - I do think that you should trust what you are feeling and take it how it goes and do what makes you feel best, either way it's rite of passage for you to experience and no one should say otherwise.

 

[Sassy69]

I would also argue the age difference -- I see a huge difference in maturity levels between 20 & 30 (Even 29 & 30...), however, that is not the topic. If he already has a couple of experiences living w/ SO's, he might be at that point where he actually wants to be married before he moves in? He's not in the same point in his life as you are and you have further motivation to move out of your own situation, but he may not be ready yet.

 

[scorpiogirl]

I sleep over at his place pretty often. So pretty much he is reaping the benefits of living together (sex, someone to sleep and wake up with) without actually taking the plunge. I mean really what's the motivation for him to move in with me? So I have an idea, sleep over at his house less. Some may say this is manipulation, but I disagree, it's setting boundaries. I hate going back and forth from my place to his and I feel like a hobo and all of my belongings are disorganized as a result. So you see I can set a boundary and only sleep over say once a week. This will make my life less stressful and will make him think about just how much he wants me around and what he's willing to do to achieve that. What do you guys think of this plan?

You need to do what makes YOU happy and comfortable. Don't go throwing all your stuff all over the place between houses to accomodate him! The biggest mistake I see young girls making is that they don't pay as much attention to their own needs and concentrate too much on his. Not that he's not worth it - I don't know him. But be careful. Protect YOU!

I agree with the girls on the age difference 100%. If you were 40 and he 50, that would be different, but you're still in the "learning" stages of life....and he could be too....but the issue is that you're in different places (thought wise). I have a man whom I TOTALLY trust. He can go anywhere he wants - I encourage it - but he doesn't. He wants to be home. However, I'm 35 & he's 36 and we've known eachother since we were 20 & 21. Go with your gut instinct. Its usually right - whatever it may be.

 

[wlmcrae]

Go with your gut instinct. Its usually right - whatever it may be

If I may add my 2cents - I agree with Scorpio . . go with your gut instinct ESPECIALLY if you're at all concerned/nervous. Even if there's only 5%, say, nervous! I know I'll try to rationalize my nerves away - my board name should have been Cleopatra (queen of de-Nile . . ) - and it has never yet worked out well.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Why should you accomodate him so much?

Is he the only man alive?

Sounds to me like he has the perfect set up.

 

[goldengirl101]

I agree with "trusting your instinct" and the fact that he's said he wants to take it slow. However, I think the whole age thing depends on the person. My boyfriend is 7 years older than me. We started dating when I was 20 and he was 27. I couldn't even go to bars with him. But things worked out, we moved in together 8 months later and have been together for 6 years now. Like Velvett said, let it be his idea. Good luck, girl.

P.S. You can never be too careful. Always keep an eye out. You never trust anyone 100%.

 

[heatherrae]

Hey girl, why the heck would he want to have you move in, get engaged, get married? The way it is now, you come over to his house with your bags in hand like a little "hobo", as you put it. He isn't making much effort. If he wants to see you more often, make him come pick you up and take you out on a real date. Men don't value something that they just receive without expending any effort, darling! Don't answer all his calls; don't call him; don't come with your bags in hand to his door; and for God's sake, don't mention moving in with him. Make him get down on one knee with a ring. The question is, do you want to be cherished or just tolerated??? Make him cherish you, or tell him to hit the road. You are young and have a whole world of options in front of you! Love the ones who treat you like a princess!

 

[nokaoibeachgirl]

Well ladies here's the update...We have been living together now for 2 1/2 months. We both moved out of our respective homes and are leasing a townhouse together. Everything changed when we moved in...the fighting started, I saw sides of him I had never seen before and the fun and the sex stopped. Some of my friends say that it is an adjustment that will take time, however I don't know. I feel very unfulfilled, like I deserve more, I want to be happy, not just live day to day putting up with each other. The biggest problem is his temper...I grew up in a home with yelling and screaming as well as physical abuse and I always told myself I never wanted to live in a home like that again...Yet here I am, watching him scream at the top of his lungs and throw things. Sometimes I want to leave, and sometimes I can't imagine life without him. I wish we never moved in together...I don't know where this relationship is going. I told him we go to counselling or I am gone, so we start counselling at the end of the month. I will give it a shot, he is having a tough time right now and God knows he has supported me through some tough times. I love him sooo much but I also love myself! This is soooo complicated, is love ever easy? Did anyone else on here learn to live together after a rough start? Has anyone ever dealt with a boyfriend who yells and throws things? I know he must sound terrible, but he's not...he just doesn't know how to handle his emotions.

 

[jenscats5]

Well ladies here's the update...We have been living together now for 2 1/2 months. We both moved out of our respective homes and are leasing a townhouse together. Everything changed when we moved in...the fighting started, I saw sides of him I had never seen before and the fun and the sex stopped. Some of my friends say that it is an adjustment that will take time, however I don't know. I feel very unfulfilled, like I deserve more, I want to be happy, not just live day to day putting up with each other. The biggest problem is his temper...I grew up in a home with yelling and screaming as well as physical abuse and I always told myself I never wanted to live in a home like that again...Yet here I am, watching him scream at the top of his lungs and throw things. Sometimes I want to leave, and sometimes I can't imagine life without him. I wish we never moved in together...I don't know where this relationship is going. I told him we go to counselling or I am gone, so we start counselling at the end of the month. I will give it a shot, he is having a tough time right now and God knows he has supported me through some tough times. I love him sooo much but I also love myself! This is soooo complicated, is love ever easy? Did anyone else on here learn to live together after a rough start? Has anyone ever dealt with a boyfriend who yells and throws things? I know he must sound terrible, but he's not...he just doesn't know how to handle his emotions.

Do you feel comfortable living with someone who screams & throws things at you?? Would you tell your best friend to stay with someone who does that??

Dont' think so......

LEAVE..........NOW.......there is no reason for you to stay with someone who manipulates you like he's doing - you're not married, no kids, etc.....please leave before it gets worse!!

 

[nokaoibeachgirl]

Thanks for the reply jenscats. I hear you absolutely, however leaving is easier said than done. I don't know what I am going to do... For now I am going to give this counselling thing a shot, because he is amazing underneath his uncontrollable emotions. But I absolutely will not further complicate this situation by purchasing a home with him, marrying him or having children...our commitment will stand still for the time being. Everyone tells me to leave him...it's hard...I wish one person would say "do the counselling thing and give it your best shot, that way if you leave you'll know you tried everything". I am sure there are couples out there who have overcome insurmountable odds that no one said they could, aren't there?

 

[jenscats5]

Thanks for the reply jenscats. I hear you absolutely, however leaving is easier said than done. I don't know what I am going to do... For now I am going to give this counselling thing a shot, because he is amazing underneath his uncontrollable emotions. But I absolutely will not further complicate this situation by purchasing a home with him, marrying him or having children...our commitment will stand still for the time being. Everyone tells me to leave him...it's hard...I wish one person would say "do the counselling thing and give it your best shot, that way if you leave you'll know you tried everything". I am sure there are couples out there who have overcome insurmountable odds that no one said they could, aren't there?

Normally I would agree with you.....counseling is a good idea.....However - a man with a violent temper - who screams & throws things - isn't "normal" circumstances.....

Just don't want to see you with a dent in your head, bruises, broken & bloody one day cuz you decided to give it "one more chance" ya know??

 

[Sassy69]

Not that I'm a counselor or even lived w/ anyone else except for letting friends or bf's stay in my house for up to a month for various reasons - but usually at the root of every problem is 1) communication and 2) expectations - of yourself, of the other, of both, of the situation.

Does he at least acknowledge that he's got a temper problem? Is it somethign that you can sit down & talk to him about - maybe not discussing the temper itself, but what you both expected out of living together, what you expected of each other, and how you can make it work and communicate your needs to each other as civil adults?

If not, then look at the counseling, but I'd just start making a Plan B as your exit strategy if you need it. Don't set yoruself up to have absolutely no alternatives.

 

[krissy]

I agree with some of the other ladies, you should live together. Sometimes, little things may bother you that you never thought would. ( i.e leaving the toilet seat up) And you may also do little things that drive him crazy(i.e bitching about leaving the toilet seat up) But, most of all if you decide to do this. Remember why you decided to move into together. A) you have to make sure you CAN live together and (B) he was worth trying it out, however whatever you decide good luck and those little things will always bother you, but somehow you know that he is worth it.