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"I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I had a parrot, and the parrot talked, but it did not say "I am hungry" so it died."
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load s-hit into a truck.
When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.
I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than c-ockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.
I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Sh-it, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme... and it’s working.
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as s-hit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, f-uck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I had a parrot, and the parrot talked, but it did not say "I am hungry" so it died."
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load s-hit into a truck.
When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.
I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than c-ockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.
I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Sh-it, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my “Get Rich Slow” scheme... and it’s working.
Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as s-hit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, f-uck! I thought I looked like that rock!"
