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Marriage Gone Wrong
- Thread starter Martini
- Start date
sorry to hear you're in a bad spot, bro
congrats on 2 healthy kids...like you said, it's all about the kids
I can tell you my parents seperated when I was 15, stayed apart for about 6 months...then they got back together and have been happy (relatively) ever since
have ya'll tried counseling?
congrats on 2 healthy kids...like you said, it's all about the kids
I can tell you my parents seperated when I was 15, stayed apart for about 6 months...then they got back together and have been happy (relatively) ever since
have ya'll tried counseling?
We have been self counseling for a long time and I finally called a pro and set up a meeting for next week. I don't want to throw in the towel before I have tried everything. I love him...for many reasons...but I want to be in love with him...and I don't know if you can get that back.
Self-counselling is usually not enough, as we are all limited in viewpoint, especially when it comes to something so emotional.
My advice is to do everything you can to work things out, with one caveat: there is no excuse for abuse - emotional or physical.
Also, many people seem to believe that if they "fall out of love," they need to divorce. Actually, the commitmment of marriage is such that couples shoudl stay together during those times, and most often, a new, more mature love emerges. Usually, when we "fall out of love," it actually just means that our preconceptions about romantic love are being challenged by messy reality.
Also remember that mature love is never unconditional.
Wishing you the best.
My advice is to do everything you can to work things out, with one caveat: there is no excuse for abuse - emotional or physical.
Also, many people seem to believe that if they "fall out of love," they need to divorce. Actually, the commitmment of marriage is such that couples shoudl stay together during those times, and most often, a new, more mature love emerges. Usually, when we "fall out of love," it actually just means that our preconceptions about romantic love are being challenged by messy reality.
Also remember that mature love is never unconditional.
Wishing you the best.
Thanks for the support. We have been married 14 years now and were together for 4 years before that...so reality set in a while ago. It takes 2 to make it work..and I am by no means perfect..but it seems strange to realize that usually one makes the effort and the other sits back and gets comfy and rides it out. There is no physical abuse...and at times I have thought it would be easier if there had been....so there would be no question as to the right road to take. As for mental...that is a hard call...and I am sure that everyone suffers from it whether they realize it or not.
Anyway...the cards are on the table now and we will just have to see how the game ends. I just hope that it works out for the good of everyone involved.
Anyway...the cards are on the table now and we will just have to see how the game ends. I just hope that it works out for the good of everyone involved.
da big thinker
New member
DAYS OF TANTRIC,
SOUNDS LIKE WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON...EXCEPT I DECIDED TO STAY...FOR MY LIL' DAUGHTER.JUST CAN'T GET MYSELF TO LEAVE!HOW ABOUT YOU...?WHAT HAPPENED?
SOUNDS LIKE WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON...EXCEPT I DECIDED TO STAY...FOR MY LIL' DAUGHTER.JUST CAN'T GET MYSELF TO LEAVE!HOW ABOUT YOU...?WHAT HAPPENED?
Zebo
New member
You're heading in the right direction.
Get to a licensed psychologist/Marriage Counselor.
We're in it right now, and it seems to be working really well. I had my doubts. I can't believe the things I'm saying in there. You learn alot.
Same boat as you, 15 years, two small girls......
Don't give up yet!
Get to a licensed psychologist/Marriage Counselor.
We're in it right now, and it seems to be working really well. I had my doubts. I can't believe the things I'm saying in there. You learn alot.
Same boat as you, 15 years, two small girls......
Don't give up yet!
Thanks Zebo. The one thing I am not is a quiter. I committed to a long haul and am there for good or bad..and will only walk if that is the only clear solution. I figure...I didn't leave when things got poorer...when he got sick...etc...so I will continue along and try. I hope it works out for you.
Hey..a friend just sent me this...and I thought I would pass it along to all of you. Thanks for the words of wisdom and support.
*****************************
When you are sad,............. I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
>
>When you are blue.......... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
>
>When you smile............ I'll know you finally got laid.
>
>When you are scared......... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
>
>When you are worried......... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
>
>When you are confused........ I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
>
>When you are sick....... Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.
>
>When you fall...... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
>
>This is my oath............... I pledge till the end.
>
>Why you may ask?........ Because you're my friend.
>
*****************************
When you are sad,............. I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
>
>When you are blue.......... I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
>
>When you smile............ I'll know you finally got laid.
>
>When you are scared......... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
>
>When you are worried......... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
>
>When you are confused........ I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
>
>When you are sick....... Stay away from me until you're well again, I don't want whatever you have.
>
>When you fall...... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
>
>This is my oath............... I pledge till the end.
>
>Why you may ask?........ Because you're my friend.
>
da big thinker
New member
days,
i'm glad to hear everything is well and you've succeded w/ your present relationship...kudos to ya pal...!
i'm glad to hear everything is well and you've succeded w/ your present relationship...kudos to ya pal...!
1800 DOLLARS A MONTH IN CHILD SUPPORT? You must make a lot of $$$ because if she is making 6 figures then what judge is doing that to you, or DID that to you?? That is a lot but probably if you contest it you will cause more trouble and not get to see your son . I get so upset when either parent wants to use the kid as a pawn in their divorce proceedings and the only one who gets hurt is the child ! 
Bikini Mod
New member
Don't know what to say here except that there is no one right answer for anyone. You have to decide what is right FOR YOU...not for your spouse, not even for the kids.
I stayed in a marriage with an insanely jealous man (my fault, I knew how he was when I married him. I was young and thought that jealousy was part of love. Once I grew up and had children, I realized that JEALOUSY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE - PERIOD!). I thought that if I stayed and loved him enough, I would be able to undo the damage done by his parents and he would see that it was ok to trust, support and respect me the way that I did him....more immaturity on my part.
I stayed as I took my commitment to my spouse and my children very seriously. We tried several counselors all to no avail. It wasn't until my daughters began to grow and actually voice how they REALLY felt about me that I started to wake up and realize how truly shabbily I had been treated. I clearly remember one morning as my two older girls (then 2nd and 1st graders) were having breakfast and getting ready for school, discussing a homework assigment about "moms and their jobs". Well my two older daughters gleefully chimed, "My mom's a big nothing!" I almost died right there. But this was as much my fault as my husband's. I allowed him to treat me that way - PERIOD.
So I started to change. I began to stand up for myself and try to "be somebody" (because, of course, being a wife, mother and business partner was A BIG NOTHING)....the more successfull I became, the prouder my girls became of me...and the angrier he became.
Finally, our relationship reached "the point of no return" several months ago and my life has been spinning out of control, it seems, ever since. But the reality is - I HAVE CONTROL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! And though my girls are very hurt by their father's behaviour, this is NOT ME.....it is him and he will reap what he sows. I built him up to be the "superdad". Though he was better than the average father in the 50's.....he could have been sooooooooo much more. But like I said, that is not MY failure....IT IS HIS.
Children are resilient. I now have full custody (which I did NOT ask for - under the circumstances the court awarded it to me pending final settlement) and we are closer than ever. Does it break my heart to see the bitter disappointment in my girls' faces when their father pulls yet another stunt aimed at hurting me through them?! OF COURSE IT DOES!.....But I am here and that is all they need. God willing, he will pull his head out of his ass and realize what he is doing for the sake of the children and HIS OWN.
If I could have one dream come true it would be for my ex to get counseling (I have had a LOT...and could still use more.) so that we can properly co-parent our girls....perhaps someday even be the friends that we never were and always should have been.
I know, I know, it is a stretch...but a girl can dream, can't she?
As for me and my girls, we have each other and that is all that we need.
Good luck to you. I hope that no matter what, things work out for you and the children. Remember, it is better for kids to have two parents that are separate and not consumed with bullshit hopefully allowing them to focus on what is REALLY IMPORTANT - THE KIDS...than for them to have two parents that cohabitate and HATE EACH OTHER'S GUTS.
...just my .02
I stayed in a marriage with an insanely jealous man (my fault, I knew how he was when I married him. I was young and thought that jealousy was part of love. Once I grew up and had children, I realized that JEALOUSY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE - PERIOD!). I thought that if I stayed and loved him enough, I would be able to undo the damage done by his parents and he would see that it was ok to trust, support and respect me the way that I did him....more immaturity on my part.
I stayed as I took my commitment to my spouse and my children very seriously. We tried several counselors all to no avail. It wasn't until my daughters began to grow and actually voice how they REALLY felt about me that I started to wake up and realize how truly shabbily I had been treated. I clearly remember one morning as my two older girls (then 2nd and 1st graders) were having breakfast and getting ready for school, discussing a homework assigment about "moms and their jobs". Well my two older daughters gleefully chimed, "My mom's a big nothing!" I almost died right there. But this was as much my fault as my husband's. I allowed him to treat me that way - PERIOD.
So I started to change. I began to stand up for myself and try to "be somebody" (because, of course, being a wife, mother and business partner was A BIG NOTHING)....the more successfull I became, the prouder my girls became of me...and the angrier he became.
Finally, our relationship reached "the point of no return" several months ago and my life has been spinning out of control, it seems, ever since. But the reality is - I HAVE CONTROL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! And though my girls are very hurt by their father's behaviour, this is NOT ME.....it is him and he will reap what he sows. I built him up to be the "superdad". Though he was better than the average father in the 50's.....he could have been sooooooooo much more. But like I said, that is not MY failure....IT IS HIS.
Children are resilient. I now have full custody (which I did NOT ask for - under the circumstances the court awarded it to me pending final settlement) and we are closer than ever. Does it break my heart to see the bitter disappointment in my girls' faces when their father pulls yet another stunt aimed at hurting me through them?! OF COURSE IT DOES!.....But I am here and that is all they need. God willing, he will pull his head out of his ass and realize what he is doing for the sake of the children and HIS OWN.
If I could have one dream come true it would be for my ex to get counseling (I have had a LOT...and could still use more.) so that we can properly co-parent our girls....perhaps someday even be the friends that we never were and always should have been.
I know, I know, it is a stretch...but a girl can dream, can't she?
As for me and my girls, we have each other and that is all that we need.
Good luck to you. I hope that no matter what, things work out for you and the children. Remember, it is better for kids to have two parents that are separate and not consumed with bullshit hopefully allowing them to focus on what is REALLY IMPORTANT - THE KIDS...than for them to have two parents that cohabitate and HATE EACH OTHER'S GUTS.
...just my .02
da big thinker
New member
wow!bm,
fyi...i respect you for the tough decisions you had to face...no one realizes how hard it can get when kids are involved.you are one tough cookie...no doubt!keep your head up high and never question your decision!NEVER!you did the right thing...
fyi...i respect you for the tough decisions you had to face...no one realizes how hard it can get when kids are involved.you are one tough cookie...no doubt!keep your head up high and never question your decision!NEVER!you did the right thing...
Look like there's alot of us in the same boat. I was always the one saying I would change don't leave. After a while I figure I could not make her happy then maybe someone else could. Now she wants me back but I'm done. I believe everything she told me and moved on. She thought I would never leave but I just got tired of all the fighting. She needs anger behavior management but I wish her the best. I need to express my emotions more. Shit happens it not always one side. There were 2 people in a relationship. Everyone has to be responsible for there part. Unfortunately I was taking about 90% responsibility for it.
R
ryker77
Guest
It my belief that the American Society is not set up for marriage. It may have been when our parents grew up but now days out life style is just so busy that we don't understand how to make a marriage work.
Bikini Mod
New member
Formula said:Look like there's alot of us in the same boat. I was always the one saying I would change don't leave. After a while I figure I could not make her happy then maybe someone else could. Now she wants me back but I'm done. I believe everything she told me and moved on. She thought I would never leave but I just got tired of all the fighting. She needs anger behavior management but I wish her the best. I need to express my emotions more. Shit happens it not always one side. There were 2 people in a relationship. Everyone has to be responsible for there part. Unfortunately I was taking about 90% responsibility for it.
You summed my situation up pretty well. I changed and he resented me for it. I got therapy (and would still like some more, but of course, now he won't pay for it) so that I would NEVER repeat the same mistakes or God forbid, make it again in an EVEN WORSE WAY! He, on the other hand, thinks there is NOTHING WRONG with him and I am a self-centerd whore who cares only for herself. Yea, that is why I have the girls 24/7 while he can only see them one day per week for 9 hours! When the judge made his ruling I WAS DEVASTATED! I always assumed that we would have joint physical and legal custody. I cared for the children pretty much myself until I began to work part time, then he paid and was only too happy to let OTHERS watch them. Now I have to bust my ass to pay for them to stay in camp (THEY LOVE IT and are safe and happy their!) so that I can work.....guess what? After being able to support 6 people on his own for SEVERAL YEARS - he is now in the poorhouse and can not come up w/300$ per week for childcare for FOUR KIDS! - Yet when I did it (cared fo the kids) my work had ZERO VALUE. I was supposed to leave and support myself (after not completing college and being a stay-at-home mother while helping him w/our business), leave the kids with him while he paid a nanny to watch them. But he was going to be very generous and let me come by and see them whenever I wanted to!!!!
HE NEVER EVEN CUT THEIR NAILS IN THIER LIVES - EVER!
I was like, "Honey, you do not make enough money to support and exwife AND a nanny! Wake the fuck up, the law where we live IS HALF!"
All I wanted was to share the kids, have my half of what I earned, and be free. I left our relationship emotionally some 2 years ago. The only reason he is "shocked" is because he NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD GROW THE BALLS TO LEAVE!
SURPRIZE!.....but when my head hit the ground, I grew some balls.
Martini,
Good luck.
There is some wisdom in what Weapon X says about mature love.....hope you can get this worked out.
14 years is a long time.
Good luck.
There is some wisdom in what Weapon X says about mature love.....hope you can get this worked out.
14 years is a long time.
Bikini Mod
New member
MP5, a WISE decision indeed! 
B-Mom - sounds like my situation is similar to yours. He is a great dad - the super dad of the street..the one all the kids come to for help. He is a Mr. fix-it for sure...but only for things made of metal, wood and wire...and fueled by gas.
His girls are his world - and he would not hurt them for anything in the world..intentionally - but he has forgotten that he is married to me...and once they grow up and leave the house...it will be him and I alone again. If he does not wake up and smell the coffee...he will find himself alone.
I seem to have fallen out of his world along the way somewhere. He pushed me to become more independent....self confident..and so I did just that. Now that I am where I am - he is sitting back attacking me for being selfish and having changed. Well...I did change..for the better I think and for the better of my girls. I want them to know that when life presents you with a challenge you should accept it and do what you can with it. You don't have to be a winner...but a doer and trier. I figure he who does not try does not live.
My husband appears to have taken a different road. He has health issues that he has to take control of. I can only do so much and have tried to help him as best I can. I can't take the "poor me" comments much longer if he is not trying.
We did more talking last night. Calm..no attacks...and I think he finally is getting it. He broke down and cried like a child. It was hard..but I didn't console him. He has to feel this and decide how he wants to approach this challenge. I have to be strong for the girls and myself now.
Our first official session is the 30th. I will go with or without him.
So for all you that are going thru what I am - hang in there...and for all you that have gone thru this and have come out alive...I admire you and your strength and hope that I will be on your side of the line soon.
His girls are his world - and he would not hurt them for anything in the world..intentionally - but he has forgotten that he is married to me...and once they grow up and leave the house...it will be him and I alone again. If he does not wake up and smell the coffee...he will find himself alone.
I seem to have fallen out of his world along the way somewhere. He pushed me to become more independent....self confident..and so I did just that. Now that I am where I am - he is sitting back attacking me for being selfish and having changed. Well...I did change..for the better I think and for the better of my girls. I want them to know that when life presents you with a challenge you should accept it and do what you can with it. You don't have to be a winner...but a doer and trier. I figure he who does not try does not live.
My husband appears to have taken a different road. He has health issues that he has to take control of. I can only do so much and have tried to help him as best I can. I can't take the "poor me" comments much longer if he is not trying.
We did more talking last night. Calm..no attacks...and I think he finally is getting it. He broke down and cried like a child. It was hard..but I didn't console him. He has to feel this and decide how he wants to approach this challenge. I have to be strong for the girls and myself now.
Our first official session is the 30th. I will go with or without him.
So for all you that are going thru what I am - hang in there...and for all you that have gone thru this and have come out alive...I admire you and your strength and hope that I will be on your side of the line soon.
Zebo
New member
Wow, Bmom, I didn't realize....I hope you're doing okay.
Martini, I'm glad you're going to a professional for help.
I'm glad I had the strength to suck it up and walk in there myself. We've made tremendous progress.....
We don't have issues like infidelity, substance abuse, etc., so maybe that has made it easier. Just a case of two people who went in different directions for awhile.
We're not doing it b/c of the kids (though that's a damn good reason), I really think it's worth saving and it's not like what I thought it was going to be. It was actually a relief to just let go and accept help.
Again, glad to hear you're trying, hang in there......
Bmom......
Martini, I'm glad you're going to a professional for help.
I'm glad I had the strength to suck it up and walk in there myself. We've made tremendous progress.....
We don't have issues like infidelity, substance abuse, etc., so maybe that has made it easier. Just a case of two people who went in different directions for awhile.
We're not doing it b/c of the kids (though that's a damn good reason), I really think it's worth saving and it's not like what I thought it was going to be. It was actually a relief to just let go and accept help.
Again, glad to hear you're trying, hang in there......
Bmom......
THE_Gladiator
New member
DON'T GIVE UP ON HER MAN!!!
I am telling you man do not give up on her, sure she may be telling you all kinds of bull shit but deep down she still loves you dude. you are going to have to carry a load and it is going to be hard as hell but in the end you will be the one with more respect, from yourself and her!! you see just because some idiots say get a divorce this is bullshit!!! what the hellis going to stop your next marriage from ending???? dude you are running and have been running from your demons for a long time!!! you need to look hard and long at yourself
and ask yourself why did my previous marriages fail and I am sure you will see similarities that keep reoccuring, whether you like it or not giving up on your wife is the pussies exit!!!! this is bullshit man, In a marriage you have an opportunity of a lifetime to build a relationship that can whether any storm and this is just another freakin storm!!! and like any other storm it will pass and if you stand together you will see that hell maybe this is worth fighting for.. not many people would be willing to stand by my side during this shit... I really don't want to loose her!!!! then don't dude!!! she is not going to change you, you have to change you and meet her half-way!!!!!! there is another great message board that you can get awesome advice from brother it is called
www.marriagebuilders.com great boards and full of advice, great advice for any situation!!!!
good luck,
dont give up it is not worth it!!!!
I am telling you man do not give up on her, sure she may be telling you all kinds of bull shit but deep down she still loves you dude. you are going to have to carry a load and it is going to be hard as hell but in the end you will be the one with more respect, from yourself and her!! you see just because some idiots say get a divorce this is bullshit!!! what the hellis going to stop your next marriage from ending???? dude you are running and have been running from your demons for a long time!!! you need to look hard and long at yourself
and ask yourself why did my previous marriages fail and I am sure you will see similarities that keep reoccuring, whether you like it or not giving up on your wife is the pussies exit!!!! this is bullshit man, In a marriage you have an opportunity of a lifetime to build a relationship that can whether any storm and this is just another freakin storm!!! and like any other storm it will pass and if you stand together you will see that hell maybe this is worth fighting for.. not many people would be willing to stand by my side during this shit... I really don't want to loose her!!!! then don't dude!!! she is not going to change you, you have to change you and meet her half-way!!!!!! there is another great message board that you can get awesome advice from brother it is called
www.marriagebuilders.com great boards and full of advice, great advice for any situation!!!!
good luck,
dont give up it is not worth it!!!!
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