Lighten Up C&C: Joke thread

[mountain muscle]

In light of all the serious and political posts that have been prevalent lately let's lighten things up here...hit us with your best or worst jokes, no holds barred I will start...


Do you know why doctors slap babies on their asses when they are born?












To knock the dicks off the stupid ones!

Come on girls lets hear some.....
SS, told ya I only remember the offensive ones hehe, I have a better one for later

 

[tripleblonde]

blonde is oversees.....tries to make an international call to her mom but doesn't have enough money....the guy working there asks her what she is willing to do to make the call? she says anything....

he says....anything? she says....annnnything....

so he takes in her the back, unzips his pants, pulls it out and says, "well, get started"

she looks at it for a second confused, then grabs it, looks up at the guy and says, are you sure my mom is gonna be able to hear me?

 

[mountain muscle]

LOL TB.... in the spirit of blonde jokes, this one is for you....

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then
open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd
murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his
privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped
the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood
up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went
up in the back of the bar. A Tripleblonde girl timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle so hard.

My Mom sent me that one... and the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent

 

[tripleblonde]

LOL TB.... in the spirit of blonde jokes, this one is for you....

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then
open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd
murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his
privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped
the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood
up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to
give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went
up in the back of the bar. A Tripleblonde girl timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle so hard.

My Mom sent me that one... and the names have been changed to protect the not so innocent

but soooo wrong!

 

[jenscats5]

My favorite blonde joke:

Why don't blondes use vibrators??











It chips their teeth!! LOL






(yes I'm blonde)

 

[Delinquent]

State Mottos Just For Fun (AND THEY ARE FUNNY)

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity!
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By age 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, leave
your money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes . Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign!
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Militia Crazies, and
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an
Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep !
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Literally!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and sheep are nervous ....

 

[powerslave]

State Mottos Just For Fun (AND THEY ARE FUNNY)


Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

 

[jerkbox]

why did the pervert cross the road?









he had his dick stuck in a chicken

 

[mountain muscle]

OKay here is one all you people with young children probably won't appreciate, I know my friend didn't find it nearly as funny as I did.

what's the best thing about an eaight-year-old girl?



Your dick looks so big in her hand.

 

[Gambino]

What do you feed a gay horse?


*in gay voice* "Heyyyy!"

 

[digger]

You know the difference between parsley and pussy?



Nobody eats parsley.

 

[sweed]

So this guy is walking in Chinatown and he seeing a sign that says "Sven Olafson's Laundrymat". The man walks in and sees a short chinese man behind the counter. The American askes, "can I speak to Sven Olafson?"
The Chinese man replies , "I am Sven"
The American man looks puzzled and askes, "Now how did you get a Swedish name, may I ask?"
The Chinese man replies " Well, off the boat, back in my early days, I was waiting in immigrant line and there was this tall Swede in front of me. So the lady behind the desk askes him what his name was and he replied "Sven Olafson" and so he went on his way with his registered name. So when it came my turn the lady asked me my name and I replied "Sam Ting".

 

[Tiervexx]

State Mottos Just For Fun (AND THEY ARE FUNNY)

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

we are also the meth and insest capital of the USA!

 

[puddlemonkey]

Niiiiiice, keep em comin'

 

[Wynn]

Ok.


Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey...


1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a redlight, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

13. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

14. In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite New Jersey salute. This gesture should always be returned.

 

[mountain muscle]

Ok.


Basic Rules For Driving In New Jersey...


1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a redlight, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

13. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

14. In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite New Jersey salute. This gesture should always be returned.

LOL... same rules apply in Colorado...

 

[zxe003]

Loving Husband...



Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a

bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function

and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new

2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last

year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer

$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him

in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[Delinquent]

Moral Story??????

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to
get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was
my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all
beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel
uncomfortable.


One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she
whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she couldn't overcome, ! she said before I got
married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love
to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't
say a word. So, she said, l'll go to the bedroom and if you are up for
it just come and get me.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned
around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the
house and headed for my car. Her husband was standing outside, and
with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and
pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Delinquent]

This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,
walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she
points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, What man out
there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the
bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit,
saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and
says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches
the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy
The lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her
leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

 

[Deleted member 33117]

What's the difference between Courtney Love and a hocky team?












The hocky team showers after three periods.

 

[Deleted member 33117]

***Special news report from Channel 6 news in College Station,home of the fighting Texas Aggies.***

Just one hour ago a twin engine small aircraft piloted by two fellow Aggies crashed into a cemetary in College Station. Both pilots were killed in the impact, and so far our local investigators have recovered over three hundred bodies from the crash site, and are finding more as we speak. We'll keep you posted as more information is gathered and a final body count is reached.









Had to tell an Aggie joke.

 

[tripleblonde]

how do you know a blonde has been using the computer?

there is white out on the screen

 

[HumorMe]

 

[Lumberg]

why do jenscats' shoes all say TGIF in them?

Toes Go In First

Why does Daisy_Girl prefer convertibles?

More leg room

Why does NotSoKlueless prefer cars with adjustable steering columns?

More headroom

 

[Nathan]

Sorry, I refuse to partake in this ludicrosity. I really only feel comfortable when I'm involved in a serious discussion.

 

[zxe003]

Rancher's Widow

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and
when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay
guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick
up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he
didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so
slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and
placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands,
he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light
of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my
clothes into town again, you're fired.

 

[Y_lifter]

What do a Bleached Blonde and a 747 Jet have in common ?






They both have a Black Box

 

[zxe003]

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the
limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun
on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love asked, "What's your hurry?" to
which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch it until it's about
6 feet wide."

"And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

She politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge........"

 

[CFZB]

This big, nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress,
walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she
points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, What man out
there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the
bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and
points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit,
saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and
says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches
the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy
The lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her
leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

lmao.......

 

[jenscats5]

A Swedish woman walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'd like a beer..." The Bartender says "Anheiser Busch?" She says "Fine and how's your penis??"



Two vampires walk by a morgue & the one says to the other "Do you want to stop in for a cold one?"



A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

 

[Buddy_Christ]

A man in his mid 20s finally saved up enough money to go buy a brand new Harley Davidson. One of the options the dealer asked him if he wanted was Chrome Protection to keep it shiny and clean looking if it should ever get wet. However, he didn't have the money for any options on the bike. The dealer informed him that the best thing for him to do was to smear the chrome with a light coating of vaseline if he knew it was going to get wet. Everywhere he went on his new Harley, he kept a small jar of vaseline with him, just in case.

Shortly after buying his new bike, he met a wonderful girl and they began dating. After about a month, she said that her parents had invited him over for dinner the following Saturday. He agreed to have dinner with them at their house.

The following Saturday came, and the man rode his Harley over to her parents house. His girlfriend met him in the driveway. It was there that she gave him a warning about talking at the dinner table.

"The dishwasher broke a month ago, and once that happened, my parents, being as stubborn to spend money as they are, made a rule that the first person that spoke during dinner had to wash the dishess. If I were you, i'd keep my mouth shut, because mother has made a huge turkey dinner, and no one has spoken at the dinner table in a week."

They went into the house and they all sat in the living room making small talk and enjoying themselves. After a while, the mother announced that dinner was ready. They all made their way into the dining room. As they passed by the kitchen, the young man saw that the counter was stacked 2 feet high with dirty dishes, and there were pots and pans all over the floor. He remembered his warning to not speak at the dinner table, as he estimated it would take a few hours to do the clean up.

As they were eating dinner, everyone at the table was dead silent. The young man turned to his girlfriend to say something, then suddenly remembered what would happen if he spoke. Everyone was staring at him, expecting him to speak, when instead, he grabbed his girlfriend and gave her a long passionate kiss. While her parents stared at him for a long time afterwards, no one uttered a single syllable.

A few minutes later, the young man again almost slipped and spoke, but caught himself in time, and this time, began passionately kissing his girlfriend once again, but did not stop after a single kiss. within a few minutes, they were on the floor making love. When they were finished, no one had still uttered a single sound. They resumed eating.

After another 15 minutes, the young man again almost spoke to the girl's mother, but caught himself in time. Instead, he got up, walked around to her side of the table, and began kissing her. They too made love on the floor, but not a single sound was spoken by anyone in the room.

A short while later, the silence was shattered by the sound of thunder. They could all see the daylight quickly fading as the storm clouds rolled in fast. The young man suddenly remembered his Harley sitting in the driveway and that he needed to coat the chrome with vaseline before it rained. He stood up and reached into his jacket pocket and removed the jar of vaseline.

Upon seeing the vaseline, the father shouted out "OK! I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!"