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Okay, this is not going to be bash the wife letter. But I have been accepting the blame for everything for a long time now. It is time the counselor knows her side. Maybe she has told her, but I doubt that she has. So read and have fun.
Remember this is not about bashing, this is what I lived through.
050404
Well, last week was a bit rough, but better. Friday though was the nail that pretty much sealed the coffin lid for me. This John, has been calling our house in the morning after I would go to work and during the day while I was at work. She would be calling him too.
I thought perhaps when she had told me that she had gone to Vegas with this guy and that all they had done was hug/kiss she would be telling the truth, but I knew better. I mean really, she came home one Sunday night, don’t remember if it was that Vegas weekend or not, doesn’t really matter, we were still intimate at that point and I pulled her near to me so I could kiss her and as I did she blurted I haven’t had a chance to shower yet. I was like so? That doesn’t bother me, so as I start to kiss her I notice a very strange smell. I couldn’t place it at first, but then I recognize this smell as well…the smell of oral sex (smell of the privates) She had just been with this guy and had performed oral sex. Now, I confronted her with it and she pined it on as her perfume and that I was making fun of it. So, in my endeavor to avoid a fight I just ignore the whole thing.
So Friday I confront her about the whole counseling thing and this guy. She finally admits at least most of the truth as she sees it that since we started this counseling and since Vegas that every time she went to town to stay at “Melissa’s” she was also seeing this guy and sleeping with him. Saturday she got drunk and spent the night with him again. I had had enough of the lying, so I called her and asked her straight up what the deal was. She was lying next to him after having sex with him during the night. I was not really bothered by that at all any more, strange, but I think it was the realization that she is using me and him to get what she wants. Him for emotional support and me for financial support and place to live. I don’t mind giving her place to live, in fact by contracting I will be able to afford to not rent out the house and I am letting her stay there rent/bill free until she shacks up with someone or they marry. This also gives the kids a stable home which is theirs. I just asked her for two things. 1. Do not ever have a guy over and have sex in the house when the kids are there. Even if they are asleep. 2. If you are going to use our bedroom, sell our bed and replace it. That is our bed and our most intimate and special place. And even though according to her our intimacy for her was about as fulfilling as watching tv it was still a place that at one time we met each others physical/emotional needs. She agreed to those requests.
She never had any intention of truly giving the counseling a chance nor even considered giving us a chance. I can live with that, I cannot though however, standby while being lied to so blatantly. She says that he has very little to do with her choices, but also admits that if he were not in the picture then we would have had more of a fighting chance at this point than we have or had. At this point after about 8 weeks of knowing this guy she feels like she is madly in love with him, wants to be with him doesn’t want to give him up, etc.
When she asked you to make me understand about the bedroom separation, it wasn’t about giving her space to make a more informed decisions (my point of view, but based on experience) it was to relieve her guilt of trying to be loyal to John without the pressure of me being in the same bed (total loyalty to new guy) Her being told she was emotionally no longer responsible to me and that she could go out as she pleases and didn’t have to discuss with me, etc. Wasn’t so that she could be free per say, it as far as she was concerned was her ticket to see this guy as often as she wanted without having to face the consequences of her actions and not feel guilty about it other. Then, when we did a house split that gave her the freedom she was looking for and why she suggested it or at least embraced the idea so well. It now allowed her to see him whenever she wanted without any bumps in the way. She could call or he could call at will, that is also why she has the cell phone, she says Melissa bought it for he, but I tend to believe that he bought it for her.
She never had any intentions of breaking up with John, never intended to put any effort into getting back together and used every single piece of advice or living arrangement to further her contact with him to continue to reinforce her position that this is over and that even if she wanted to (and maybe at one point she did or thought about it) there is no way it could work. She blames herself (so she says) that she cannot let go of the hate and the past even though she knows that I have been changing and still have a long way to go, that it could very well work out and that the risks involved are great but worth it. Therefore, she will not relinquish that wall of hurt and pain and on purpose continues to reinforce that position by seeing John.
The reason we would get into those fights or on the triangle this last few months is because she was blatantly lying and expecting me to just take it lying down. Instead of just telling the truth she made the problem very much worse than it ever had to be. Now, she doesn’t sleep at night, acknowledges that this one huge mess, but doesn’t quite see it yet that while I had my had in sabotaging the relationship, I at least in the end was willing to work things out while she is still making excuses and refuses to see that at this point she is the one causing the problems and making them worse. Our oldest boys grades have gone from really good and in no danger of repeating 6th grade to we’ll be lucky if he gets back into 6th grade.
The kids have asked me if there is a magic word I can say that will make her love me again, I have to tell them I wish there was, but there isn’t. They are afraid that she or I or both will leave them, they do not like who she is becoming (my oldest one believes she is becoming just like Melissa) and he does not like her very much. They have told me they don’t like it when she goes out till all hours of the night, wants her to stay home with them, etc.
She just shines it on as they are just used to me being around, they don’t care if I go out, I am not wearing any provocative clothing, etc. They have been at restaurants with her and he friend and have told me how vulgar she becomes in conversation with her friend, etc. She has been drinking a lot more than she ever has and has allowed her friend to have her drive the car (friends) or the truck (ours) after they both have been drinking. She doesn’t see that she is being used by her. She is the one that goes to jail, gets sued if accident or worse. She just refuses to see what the big picture is and ignores what the kids are seeing.
So, she asked me if she could stay at the house for a month I said she can and I would be there too and that we could spend the month hanging out together to at least become friends again as that is where any relationship starts. And I told her that as soon as I go contracting she can move back into the house and even have her girl friend live there too. I won’t be using it and it is the kids home. I promised her that I would always take care of her and I will. I didn’t honor my marriage vows and divorced her, but I can honor this one. So, after I leave she will be at the house permanently.
I also asked that while she and I are together in the house this month that she not see John or Melissa. And that she not talk to John either. Well, she told me she won’t see him or her, that she at least needs to talk to Melissa, but that she wasn’t sure she would be able to not talk to him because how would she know how she felt at the end of the month or how would he feel? I look at it this way, if what you feel is this “true” love then you have to take the risk of not knowing. If it was meant to be he would be there, if not oh well. She is now the one with control issues. She is afraid that he really doesn’t care for her and he will move on or that she will find out that she doesn’t really care that much and or develop something for me again and that is not acceptable to her. She would then have to make a real choice on her own.
Am I playing fair? I think so. She created this mess of the last two months. She told me she wanted to leave in December back to Nebraska and had written her parents about it, but had never sent the Christmas letter. She was like you knew! No, I didn’t. You read the letter didn’t you? No, I didn’t even know of a letter. She kinda got indignent with well, you read everything else around here so I figured that you read that as well. Had I read that I would have been at counseling then instead of now. That is her problem, she just assumes that I know what, how, why she is thinking and feeling a certain way.
She assume that she constantly and with fervor asked me to get help. To work on the marriage/relationship over the last 17 years. Not, what I saw was half hearted, weak attempts to snap me/us out of the dream world and into reality.
This morning she sounded depressed/upset and told me she had not been to sleep. I told she needs to start sleeping and she told me she can’t. I asked why and she admitted that this is a big mess. Well, I am sorry, but you made the mess what it is at this point. I was was/am willing to work on this, but you are not, so you will have to figure it out. The way I see it is dump boyfriend, earnestly and honestly work on us and yourself and the mess will be fixed. Our house reflects our inner self and us as a couple. It is in complete chaos as are we.
I have taken the blame for most of the problems in the marriage/relationship, but I think it is time to look at the other half since they are not very willing to own up to their mistakes in the same level of detail that I have done with my mistakes/behavior.
I would like to start with the first time I can remember something being wrong. It started in California while I was in the Marines. While she was pregnant with Kyle we had been living in Riverside, CA and then she had moved back to my parents while we waited for base housing to open up. I lived in the barracks and put us on the list. I was told it would be over a year before something would be available. So, I got us an apt and she moved back to CA. But just prior to that she developed appendicitis and that is when we found out she was pregnant about 5 weeks.
Right after we got base housing she started to withdraw, started to question where I was at and with whom. I told her I was with a friend Ramone from work who lived around the corner. We lifted together and such. She blamed me for becoming withdrawn as well, which I do agree happened. But one night I had told her I would be at Ramones playing cards and she didn’t hear me apparently. I ended up winning 120 dollars which I used for groceries for us as my paycheck after paying bills was gone. I thought that she would be happy that a good fortune had come our way. She was beside herself.
We then got out of the Marines and I went back to school. She stayed with my mom for a while and then with a mutual friend of our who’s husband had died earlier. We used to talk about what she did at the Humane Society at night as a run driver. She would tell me about these guys she had met at the gas station filling up at 2 in the morning. I tried to tell her that was not a smart idea. Especially after they admitted that they were into running drugs. At some point she had been talking about me and apparently how we were not getting along or how I was treating her wrong. I have always asked her to keep our family life private and that it is not what you say but how you say it that can cause problems. Well, we got into a fight one night thereafter and at some point she informed me that all she had to do was tell these guys to get rid of me and they would do it since they had offered her to have me killed previously during one of their conversations and all she had to do was ask.
Another time we weren’t fighting, in fact we were on are way to get pizza and out of the blue she chimes in with I just don’t think you love me anymore. Boy, was I pissed. I stopped the truck and took off running. I finally got back in the truck and we put it behind us I thought.
Then while staying in Prescott and her in Phx till we can get an apt I get a call from my friend telling me she has been hanging out with this guy from work and how she gets all done up when she goes with him. She was using his car to get from my moms house to work and back, etc. Even my parents were saying something was up. I asked her about it and she denied the whole thing. Then acknowledged that she had gone to the movies with him. I asked if his gf new and she said she didn’t. I wonder I asked her would she like this? Jami said probably not, well then there you have it.
When she would talk to me on the phone it was straight to the point and cold. I would be at our friends house where she eventually was staying for a few months and this guy would call at all hours of the night. And when she would take the call she would run into the back bedroom with the lights out and talk to him for hours with a sweet, quiet, sensual voice and get pissed off at me if I bothered her. Well, one night we were getting ready for bed it was about 12 or 1 in the morning and this guy called. I beat her to the phone and it was him so I told him very loudly to never call my wife again or I would kick his butt or something like that.. I figured she would be upset with me, but she defended him and told that I had better be careful or he would kick my ass. I was like floored! What the? She is defending him? I questioned her for hours about what was really going on. She says nothing, I am still not sure I believe her.
Well, after graduation we take a quick vacation, she visits her family in Ne ad I visit my friend in Wichita to get a job. When we moved we left Kyle with her sister and moved stuff from AZ to Wichita. She then left and was supposed to go to her parents house and call to let me know she got there. Kyle was supposed to be at her parents. Well, about 2 or 3 hours after she was supposed to call I called her parents. I asked if Jami had gotten there yet and her father then asked her mom what to tell me. They were going to lie to me as they new she wasn’t going to be there. So he finally fessed up that she was at her sisters house. I had to pull teeth to get that number from her parents as well.
A short time later she went back to visit and that is when I found several letters from guys dated as recent as a week ago at that time from Phx, South Dakota (NE don’t remember) There was the one about the great time with her on his lap, running away with the kid to Montana, etc. She said nothing happened then admitted to an affair of the heart. I still believe that more happened, especially since her sister described in great detail. But that is in the past. I was really beside myself.
I was so hurt and devastated I tried to get her to leave me by having an affair and telling her about it. I also did that because I knew it was wrong and I had ended it.
She stayed and that was great. But, by then the damage had been done, she would attempt quietly to get counseling, but that I didn’t hear because by then I was already numb as she puts it. Eventually, we separated for a time, I asked for divorce she pleaded not to, but signed any way. We then got back together for finances initially, then decided to work on the relationship, it was on again off again. Her friend didn’t help either.
Eventually we come to now. She says she has been feeling this way for years, but never ever discussed this with me under the mistaken belief that I wouldn’t care. She just assumed that I wouldn’t because I would yell all the time. She even said she wrote her parents a letter at Christmas stating that she was wanting to move back home with them, but never sent it and that I should have known about the letter since I read everything which I don’t. So, she assumed that I knew she wanted to leave and in reality never knew.
Then she starts hanging with friend and then starts not coming home for 2, 3 days at a time because by now she was cheating on me with this guy that isn’t crucial in this. Whatever! She lied to me not to hurt me but hurt me anyway. She had the nerve to let me kiss her after having oral sex with him one night.
She can’t sleep now, just like this morning. I told her to get some sleep and she says she can’t. I asked her why and she told me because this is just one big mess! Duh, I am not the one who is quitting (although I have put it aside) I am not the one cheating, I am not the one lying, I am not the one hiding behind this wall of hurt and pain. I have mine as every bit as great as hears, but I am willing to step out from behind mine. She is not wanting to. It is easier to be angry than to be happy. I know, for 17 years I have been angry and hateful at my first wife. It is tiresome and just gets old and ends up in any relationship you have after that.
Jami will not be able to face these demons as she puts it as long as she has this guy around. The counseling will be false to her and she will be back where she started because her conscience is not clear, nor is her spirit. She has also made decisions that she shouldn’t have concerning relationships and has put all of the fault on me for her finally deciding that it is too late. Well, if that makes her feel better then. But she has avoided truly facing these issues on her own as I have. I have suffered long on this and it was not fun or pretty. She has not. She has avoided this. She says otherwise, but when you are convinced you are right and no one else is, that you don’t love someone, etc. It is easy to forget, party and have fun. Especially when you have someone to give you sex whenever you want that fills your head with whatever you want to hear.
Well, that is in a nutshell most of what I know. Of course if she were confronted with this she would be able to justify all of it somehow I am sure.
This is too from my perspective through my eyes about what I have seen and experienced. Body language I can’t really described except for stares, looks, gestures, etc that were antagonizing and scornful. Her voice a lot of time was rude and screechy when talking with me a lot of the time, almost in a combative manner. Again, this is from my perspective.
I did write here a good bye letter wishing her the best, that I will take care of her until she can do it herself or with someone else. I told her that I love her, forgive her for everything including the affairs and that they are not important. I also forgive myself as well. I told her that if she were to change her mind she is always welcome home and that all she has to do is call. I will continue to pray for my happiness, the kids happiness and especially Jami’s happiness.
I am not making any final decisions on Jami until I have had time away to think and reflect.
Remember this is not about bashing, this is what I lived through.
050404
Well, last week was a bit rough, but better. Friday though was the nail that pretty much sealed the coffin lid for me. This John, has been calling our house in the morning after I would go to work and during the day while I was at work. She would be calling him too.
I thought perhaps when she had told me that she had gone to Vegas with this guy and that all they had done was hug/kiss she would be telling the truth, but I knew better. I mean really, she came home one Sunday night, don’t remember if it was that Vegas weekend or not, doesn’t really matter, we were still intimate at that point and I pulled her near to me so I could kiss her and as I did she blurted I haven’t had a chance to shower yet. I was like so? That doesn’t bother me, so as I start to kiss her I notice a very strange smell. I couldn’t place it at first, but then I recognize this smell as well…the smell of oral sex (smell of the privates) She had just been with this guy and had performed oral sex. Now, I confronted her with it and she pined it on as her perfume and that I was making fun of it. So, in my endeavor to avoid a fight I just ignore the whole thing.
So Friday I confront her about the whole counseling thing and this guy. She finally admits at least most of the truth as she sees it that since we started this counseling and since Vegas that every time she went to town to stay at “Melissa’s” she was also seeing this guy and sleeping with him. Saturday she got drunk and spent the night with him again. I had had enough of the lying, so I called her and asked her straight up what the deal was. She was lying next to him after having sex with him during the night. I was not really bothered by that at all any more, strange, but I think it was the realization that she is using me and him to get what she wants. Him for emotional support and me for financial support and place to live. I don’t mind giving her place to live, in fact by contracting I will be able to afford to not rent out the house and I am letting her stay there rent/bill free until she shacks up with someone or they marry. This also gives the kids a stable home which is theirs. I just asked her for two things. 1. Do not ever have a guy over and have sex in the house when the kids are there. Even if they are asleep. 2. If you are going to use our bedroom, sell our bed and replace it. That is our bed and our most intimate and special place. And even though according to her our intimacy for her was about as fulfilling as watching tv it was still a place that at one time we met each others physical/emotional needs. She agreed to those requests.
She never had any intention of truly giving the counseling a chance nor even considered giving us a chance. I can live with that, I cannot though however, standby while being lied to so blatantly. She says that he has very little to do with her choices, but also admits that if he were not in the picture then we would have had more of a fighting chance at this point than we have or had. At this point after about 8 weeks of knowing this guy she feels like she is madly in love with him, wants to be with him doesn’t want to give him up, etc.
When she asked you to make me understand about the bedroom separation, it wasn’t about giving her space to make a more informed decisions (my point of view, but based on experience) it was to relieve her guilt of trying to be loyal to John without the pressure of me being in the same bed (total loyalty to new guy) Her being told she was emotionally no longer responsible to me and that she could go out as she pleases and didn’t have to discuss with me, etc. Wasn’t so that she could be free per say, it as far as she was concerned was her ticket to see this guy as often as she wanted without having to face the consequences of her actions and not feel guilty about it other. Then, when we did a house split that gave her the freedom she was looking for and why she suggested it or at least embraced the idea so well. It now allowed her to see him whenever she wanted without any bumps in the way. She could call or he could call at will, that is also why she has the cell phone, she says Melissa bought it for he, but I tend to believe that he bought it for her.
She never had any intentions of breaking up with John, never intended to put any effort into getting back together and used every single piece of advice or living arrangement to further her contact with him to continue to reinforce her position that this is over and that even if she wanted to (and maybe at one point she did or thought about it) there is no way it could work. She blames herself (so she says) that she cannot let go of the hate and the past even though she knows that I have been changing and still have a long way to go, that it could very well work out and that the risks involved are great but worth it. Therefore, she will not relinquish that wall of hurt and pain and on purpose continues to reinforce that position by seeing John.
The reason we would get into those fights or on the triangle this last few months is because she was blatantly lying and expecting me to just take it lying down. Instead of just telling the truth she made the problem very much worse than it ever had to be. Now, she doesn’t sleep at night, acknowledges that this one huge mess, but doesn’t quite see it yet that while I had my had in sabotaging the relationship, I at least in the end was willing to work things out while she is still making excuses and refuses to see that at this point she is the one causing the problems and making them worse. Our oldest boys grades have gone from really good and in no danger of repeating 6th grade to we’ll be lucky if he gets back into 6th grade.
The kids have asked me if there is a magic word I can say that will make her love me again, I have to tell them I wish there was, but there isn’t. They are afraid that she or I or both will leave them, they do not like who she is becoming (my oldest one believes she is becoming just like Melissa) and he does not like her very much. They have told me they don’t like it when she goes out till all hours of the night, wants her to stay home with them, etc.
She just shines it on as they are just used to me being around, they don’t care if I go out, I am not wearing any provocative clothing, etc. They have been at restaurants with her and he friend and have told me how vulgar she becomes in conversation with her friend, etc. She has been drinking a lot more than she ever has and has allowed her friend to have her drive the car (friends) or the truck (ours) after they both have been drinking. She doesn’t see that she is being used by her. She is the one that goes to jail, gets sued if accident or worse. She just refuses to see what the big picture is and ignores what the kids are seeing.
So, she asked me if she could stay at the house for a month I said she can and I would be there too and that we could spend the month hanging out together to at least become friends again as that is where any relationship starts. And I told her that as soon as I go contracting she can move back into the house and even have her girl friend live there too. I won’t be using it and it is the kids home. I promised her that I would always take care of her and I will. I didn’t honor my marriage vows and divorced her, but I can honor this one. So, after I leave she will be at the house permanently.
I also asked that while she and I are together in the house this month that she not see John or Melissa. And that she not talk to John either. Well, she told me she won’t see him or her, that she at least needs to talk to Melissa, but that she wasn’t sure she would be able to not talk to him because how would she know how she felt at the end of the month or how would he feel? I look at it this way, if what you feel is this “true” love then you have to take the risk of not knowing. If it was meant to be he would be there, if not oh well. She is now the one with control issues. She is afraid that he really doesn’t care for her and he will move on or that she will find out that she doesn’t really care that much and or develop something for me again and that is not acceptable to her. She would then have to make a real choice on her own.
Am I playing fair? I think so. She created this mess of the last two months. She told me she wanted to leave in December back to Nebraska and had written her parents about it, but had never sent the Christmas letter. She was like you knew! No, I didn’t. You read the letter didn’t you? No, I didn’t even know of a letter. She kinda got indignent with well, you read everything else around here so I figured that you read that as well. Had I read that I would have been at counseling then instead of now. That is her problem, she just assumes that I know what, how, why she is thinking and feeling a certain way.
She assume that she constantly and with fervor asked me to get help. To work on the marriage/relationship over the last 17 years. Not, what I saw was half hearted, weak attempts to snap me/us out of the dream world and into reality.
This morning she sounded depressed/upset and told me she had not been to sleep. I told she needs to start sleeping and she told me she can’t. I asked why and she admitted that this is a big mess. Well, I am sorry, but you made the mess what it is at this point. I was was/am willing to work on this, but you are not, so you will have to figure it out. The way I see it is dump boyfriend, earnestly and honestly work on us and yourself and the mess will be fixed. Our house reflects our inner self and us as a couple. It is in complete chaos as are we.
I have taken the blame for most of the problems in the marriage/relationship, but I think it is time to look at the other half since they are not very willing to own up to their mistakes in the same level of detail that I have done with my mistakes/behavior.
I would like to start with the first time I can remember something being wrong. It started in California while I was in the Marines. While she was pregnant with Kyle we had been living in Riverside, CA and then she had moved back to my parents while we waited for base housing to open up. I lived in the barracks and put us on the list. I was told it would be over a year before something would be available. So, I got us an apt and she moved back to CA. But just prior to that she developed appendicitis and that is when we found out she was pregnant about 5 weeks.
Right after we got base housing she started to withdraw, started to question where I was at and with whom. I told her I was with a friend Ramone from work who lived around the corner. We lifted together and such. She blamed me for becoming withdrawn as well, which I do agree happened. But one night I had told her I would be at Ramones playing cards and she didn’t hear me apparently. I ended up winning 120 dollars which I used for groceries for us as my paycheck after paying bills was gone. I thought that she would be happy that a good fortune had come our way. She was beside herself.
We then got out of the Marines and I went back to school. She stayed with my mom for a while and then with a mutual friend of our who’s husband had died earlier. We used to talk about what she did at the Humane Society at night as a run driver. She would tell me about these guys she had met at the gas station filling up at 2 in the morning. I tried to tell her that was not a smart idea. Especially after they admitted that they were into running drugs. At some point she had been talking about me and apparently how we were not getting along or how I was treating her wrong. I have always asked her to keep our family life private and that it is not what you say but how you say it that can cause problems. Well, we got into a fight one night thereafter and at some point she informed me that all she had to do was tell these guys to get rid of me and they would do it since they had offered her to have me killed previously during one of their conversations and all she had to do was ask.
Another time we weren’t fighting, in fact we were on are way to get pizza and out of the blue she chimes in with I just don’t think you love me anymore. Boy, was I pissed. I stopped the truck and took off running. I finally got back in the truck and we put it behind us I thought.
Then while staying in Prescott and her in Phx till we can get an apt I get a call from my friend telling me she has been hanging out with this guy from work and how she gets all done up when she goes with him. She was using his car to get from my moms house to work and back, etc. Even my parents were saying something was up. I asked her about it and she denied the whole thing. Then acknowledged that she had gone to the movies with him. I asked if his gf new and she said she didn’t. I wonder I asked her would she like this? Jami said probably not, well then there you have it.
When she would talk to me on the phone it was straight to the point and cold. I would be at our friends house where she eventually was staying for a few months and this guy would call at all hours of the night. And when she would take the call she would run into the back bedroom with the lights out and talk to him for hours with a sweet, quiet, sensual voice and get pissed off at me if I bothered her. Well, one night we were getting ready for bed it was about 12 or 1 in the morning and this guy called. I beat her to the phone and it was him so I told him very loudly to never call my wife again or I would kick his butt or something like that.. I figured she would be upset with me, but she defended him and told that I had better be careful or he would kick my ass. I was like floored! What the? She is defending him? I questioned her for hours about what was really going on. She says nothing, I am still not sure I believe her.
Well, after graduation we take a quick vacation, she visits her family in Ne ad I visit my friend in Wichita to get a job. When we moved we left Kyle with her sister and moved stuff from AZ to Wichita. She then left and was supposed to go to her parents house and call to let me know she got there. Kyle was supposed to be at her parents. Well, about 2 or 3 hours after she was supposed to call I called her parents. I asked if Jami had gotten there yet and her father then asked her mom what to tell me. They were going to lie to me as they new she wasn’t going to be there. So he finally fessed up that she was at her sisters house. I had to pull teeth to get that number from her parents as well.
A short time later she went back to visit and that is when I found several letters from guys dated as recent as a week ago at that time from Phx, South Dakota (NE don’t remember) There was the one about the great time with her on his lap, running away with the kid to Montana, etc. She said nothing happened then admitted to an affair of the heart. I still believe that more happened, especially since her sister described in great detail. But that is in the past. I was really beside myself.
I was so hurt and devastated I tried to get her to leave me by having an affair and telling her about it. I also did that because I knew it was wrong and I had ended it.
She stayed and that was great. But, by then the damage had been done, she would attempt quietly to get counseling, but that I didn’t hear because by then I was already numb as she puts it. Eventually, we separated for a time, I asked for divorce she pleaded not to, but signed any way. We then got back together for finances initially, then decided to work on the relationship, it was on again off again. Her friend didn’t help either.
Eventually we come to now. She says she has been feeling this way for years, but never ever discussed this with me under the mistaken belief that I wouldn’t care. She just assumed that I wouldn’t because I would yell all the time. She even said she wrote her parents a letter at Christmas stating that she was wanting to move back home with them, but never sent it and that I should have known about the letter since I read everything which I don’t. So, she assumed that I knew she wanted to leave and in reality never knew.
Then she starts hanging with friend and then starts not coming home for 2, 3 days at a time because by now she was cheating on me with this guy that isn’t crucial in this. Whatever! She lied to me not to hurt me but hurt me anyway. She had the nerve to let me kiss her after having oral sex with him one night.
She can’t sleep now, just like this morning. I told her to get some sleep and she says she can’t. I asked her why and she told me because this is just one big mess! Duh, I am not the one who is quitting (although I have put it aside) I am not the one cheating, I am not the one lying, I am not the one hiding behind this wall of hurt and pain. I have mine as every bit as great as hears, but I am willing to step out from behind mine. She is not wanting to. It is easier to be angry than to be happy. I know, for 17 years I have been angry and hateful at my first wife. It is tiresome and just gets old and ends up in any relationship you have after that.
Jami will not be able to face these demons as she puts it as long as she has this guy around. The counseling will be false to her and she will be back where she started because her conscience is not clear, nor is her spirit. She has also made decisions that she shouldn’t have concerning relationships and has put all of the fault on me for her finally deciding that it is too late. Well, if that makes her feel better then. But she has avoided truly facing these issues on her own as I have. I have suffered long on this and it was not fun or pretty. She has not. She has avoided this. She says otherwise, but when you are convinced you are right and no one else is, that you don’t love someone, etc. It is easy to forget, party and have fun. Especially when you have someone to give you sex whenever you want that fills your head with whatever you want to hear.
Well, that is in a nutshell most of what I know. Of course if she were confronted with this she would be able to justify all of it somehow I am sure.
This is too from my perspective through my eyes about what I have seen and experienced. Body language I can’t really described except for stares, looks, gestures, etc that were antagonizing and scornful. Her voice a lot of time was rude and screechy when talking with me a lot of the time, almost in a combative manner. Again, this is from my perspective.
I did write here a good bye letter wishing her the best, that I will take care of her until she can do it herself or with someone else. I told her that I love her, forgive her for everything including the affairs and that they are not important. I also forgive myself as well. I told her that if she were to change her mind she is always welcome home and that all she has to do is call. I will continue to pray for my happiness, the kids happiness and especially Jami’s happiness.
I am not making any final decisions on Jami until I have had time away to think and reflect.
