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Jokes - i'll try to keep them funny
- Thread starter Lestat
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hamstershaver
New member
Lestat said:
A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.
"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"
The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.
"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.
"Is there time?" asks the priest.
"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"
The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.
"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.
"Is there time?" asks the priest.
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
ohashi
New member
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."
"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
ohashi
New member
Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."
Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."
When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."
Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."
When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."
C
CASS
Guest
my car breaks down on the motorway, smoke pouring outta the bonnet, so i pulls over and lifts the bonnet up, smoke pouring out all over the place. so this guy in a towtruck pulls up and said, you car broken down pal.
I reply, no my car has a serious nicotine problem so ive had to pull over to allow it a cigerette break....
HERES YOUR SIGN....................
I reply, no my car has a serious nicotine problem so ive had to pull over to allow it a cigerette break....
HERES YOUR SIGN....................
ohashi
New member
A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."
So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy."
The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don't serve no gorillas in here."
So the guy figures he'll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I'd like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."
The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she's with a black guy."
ohashi
New member
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."
ohashi
New member
Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Pole, are sentenced to spend 15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he wants. The Italian says, "I'd like to take a woman with me." The judge reluctantly agrees, and the Italian takes his wife and heads off to solitary. The Jew says, "I'd like to take a telephone with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the Jew with his telephone. The Pole pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then announces, "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the Pole with his cigarettes.
After 15 years they open the Italian's cell, and out comes the Italian with his wife and 15 children: "It wasn't so bad...." The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a successful business by telephone. The Pole then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says, "Anybody got a match?"
After 15 years they open the Italian's cell, and out comes the Italian with his wife and 15 children: "It wasn't so bad...." The Jew emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a successful business by telephone. The Pole then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says, "Anybody got a match?"
ohashi
New member
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."
ohashi
New member
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asks the class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says, "that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?" The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
ohashi
New member
In a small Midwestern town, two gays died of AIDS. The mortician was afraid of catching the disease from the corpse, so he refused to prepare the bodies for burial. So, finally, in desperation, the hospital called on the local taxidermist. He said, "Sure, bring 'em on over, I'll take care of 'em." So an ambulance driver carts the bodies off to the taxidermists shop. When he arrives, the taxidermist asks the ambulance driver "Do you want them mounted?" to which the driver replies "Nah, just holding hands......."
"
ohashi
New member
Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.
Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.
Q: How do you get a baby out of a tree?
A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!
Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children's playground!
Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
A: Pulling them off.
Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.
Q1: What's red and white and goes 'round and 'round?
Q2: What goes red white, red red, white white red...?
Q3: What is pink and red and goes round and round?
Q4: What's pink and with a flick of a switch turns red?
Q5: What's red and chunky and travels, in a circle, at 190 mph ?
A: A baby in a blender
Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face!
Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender face first?
A: So you can see it's feet pulling up into tiny little fists!
Q1: How do you get 1000 dead babies in a phone booth?
Q2: How do you get 10 dead babies into a Tupperware bowl?
A1: La' Machine!
A2: Use a blender.
Q: How do you get it out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos.
Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.
Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.
Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A: A trashcan lid in a dead baby.
Q: What do you do with 4 dead babies and a sheet of glass?
A: Make a coffee table.
Q: What have you got when four dead babies are piled on top of each other?
A: A stool.
Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full of bowling balls?
A: Dead Babies; you can use a pitchfork.
Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.
Q: What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel of babies?
A: You can't shovel water with a pitchfork.
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.
Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.
Q: How do you get a baby out of a tree?
A: You give a Mexican a stick and tell him it's a piñata!
Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A Doberman on a children's playground!
Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall?
A: Pulling them off.
Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence?
A: Ripping it back off.
Q1: What's red and white and goes 'round and 'round?
Q2: What goes red white, red red, white white red...?
Q3: What is pink and red and goes round and round?
Q4: What's pink and with a flick of a switch turns red?
Q5: What's red and chunky and travels, in a circle, at 190 mph ?
A: A baby in a blender
Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face!
Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender face first?
A: So you can see it's feet pulling up into tiny little fists!
Q1: How do you get 1000 dead babies in a phone booth?
Q2: How do you get 10 dead babies into a Tupperware bowl?
A1: La' Machine!
A2: Use a blender.
Q: How do you get it out?
A1: With a straw!
A2: Doritos.
Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can.
Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.
Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trashcan lid?
A: A trashcan lid in a dead baby.
Q: What do you do with 4 dead babies and a sheet of glass?
A: Make a coffee table.
Q: What have you got when four dead babies are piled on top of each other?
A: A stool.
Q: What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full of bowling balls?
A: Dead Babies; you can use a pitchfork.
Q: What's the difference between a truck load of dead babies and a truck load of bricks?
A: You can't use a pitchfork on bricks.
Q: What's the difference between a barrel of water and a barrel of babies?
A: You can't shovel water with a pitchfork.
N
nutsnack
Guest
eat big said:
wouldn't be a joke thread w/o them!!
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