Jehaovah's Witnesses.....

[FreakMonster]

Ways to get rid of a JW

How to get rid of a Jehovah's Witness...

When they ask, "Can I talk to you about God?" Reply, "Sure, what would you like to know?"

Answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could you come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."

Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say 'Allah be Praised!

Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want to appear on their doorstop univited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.

Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince a little before confessing, "er, I'm not sure if it's legal in this country

A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of "The Watchtower" scattered around...

Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to leave.

Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty-two children.

Invite them in to see your fine collection of dinosaur fossils.

Open the door, tell them not to bother you, because you're worshiping Satan, and then slam the door.

When you see them coming down the street, open all the windows in your home and proceed to blast Marilyn Manson's "Anti-christ Superstar"

Put a sign on your front door that says "Do not disturb, human sacrifice in progress"

Invite them in for tea, when they come in, ask them if they'd like to meet your dog, Lucifer.

Set your lawn sprinkler at the edge of the lawn, as soon as they walk past it, turn it on high.

Open the door, listen to their ridiculous speech, but every time they say the word "lord" say "yes, my child?"

Open the door, pretend they are a delivery person, and say, "oh good, my statue of Jeffry Dahmer must be here! It will look great next to the one of Norman Bates, how much do I owe you?"

Open the door, listen to their lecture, and then ask if you could get that in writing.

Pretend you speak Spanish.

Tell them you have to go, you are late for target practice, ask them if they would like to participate.

 

[FreakMonster]

Why do Jehovah's Witnesses call at Your Door?

They are raising money for their publishing organization by asking you for contributions for their magazines, the Watchtower and Awake!, or other items, but what they really want is YOU.

They practice very hard at their local church (called a Kingdom Hall), to impress you with their honesty and sincerity as "bible teachers". They will offer you a "free home bible study". It's really not free in the long run, and their "bible" is doctored to reflect their beliefs.

If you have been recently traumatized by divorce, death, financial woes, or dissatisfaction with life, you are a candidate to become a JW. They are looking for those vulnerable enough to be attracted by their message of a "new paradise earth" where troubles disappear. The only way in, according to them, is through their organization.

Want to become a Jehovah's Witness? Here are the true facts about what your life will be like. All these facts can be documented from their own literature.

1. BE PREPARED to believe that JW's alone are of God. All other religions, in fact, all non-JW's are of the devil. No exceptions.

2. BE PREPARED to become an extremely negative person, except about the Watchtower organization, where you will have to be extremely positive. (No criticism allowed).

3. BE PREPARED to give your entire patriotic feelings to the Watchtower (WT) organization. since you will not be able to serve in any branch of the armed forces, or work as a civilian on any base. All employment must meet with WT approval .

4. BE PREPARED to never again salute the flag, or stand for a national anthem, or express nationalistic feelings of any kind.

5. BE PREPARED to no longer vote, or have political opinions. Condemnation of all (except the WT) is the order of the day.

6. BE PREPARED at work. If your job involves confidentiality, such as employment in a doctor's or lawyer's office, you will be expected to break that confidentiality to report on any JW patient to the elders. (Example, an unmarried JW woman may want birth control pills etc. ). Innocent employers have been sued.

7. BE PREPARED to forget about having a normal childhood for your children. They will be expected to set their sights on a life of full-time service to the Watchtower Organization. They will practice all their growing-up years, by sitting quietly at the meetings five times a week with you, and accompanying you as you knock on doors with the WT's literature.

8. BE PREPARED to forbid or discourage your children from the following activities after-school sports, having non-JW friends as playmates, joining the YM/YWCA, school dances, voting in school elections, all dating, except for JW 's, and then only if marriage is intended.

9. BE PREPARED to forbid the doctors from administering a life-saving blood transfusion to your child or yourself. Vaccinations and organ transplants were forbidden at one time too, but the WT often changes its mind. Wouldn't it be a shame if you allowed your child to die, and then the WT changed its policy? Many have had this experience already.

10. BE PREPARED to defend the WT Organization about its false prophecies. It has set the date for the end of the world for 1914, 1915, 1918, 1925, the 1940's, 1975. Armageddon is now expected "any moment", but don't be too sure, with their track record. Incidentally, their doctrines change regularly too, so don't become too convinced too fast. It's called "new light".

11. BE PREPARED to lie in court, under oath, if called upon to do so by your elders. If you and your minor children are involved in a child custody case, your children too will be coached by the JW elders to misrepresent their lifestyle under oath. After all, the court system is under the influence of the devil, so its okay--perjury and fraud not withstanding!

13. BE PREPARED to really hate everything but the WT Organization, and especially hate anyone who has the nerve to up and leave. (the dreaded "apostates"). There is no honorable way out of the WT organization. Not only will you be expected to shun and ignore anyone leaving (even family members), but the literature directs you:

"We must hate in the truest sense, which is to regard with extreme and active aversion, to consider as loathsome, odious filthy, to detest."

 

[BigGuns2]

I love the way they try to give you their magazine "The Watchtower." After you except it they inform you that it costs 15 cents, which they claim is the cost of printing.

 

[Y_lifter]

Jeff Foxworthy has a solution to keep JW from knockin at the door..

Draw an outline of a body with chalk on your front porch
Throw a bunch of JW religious pamplets around the body.

 

[PinK233]

Whenever they would show up at the door bright and early on Saturday mornings I would be in a very bad mood, since I was trying to sleep, I would be calm at first and just say "I'm Catholic, not interested in learning about your religion, but thanks anyway." Then they would go ranting on about God...and I say "ok I hear enough of this at Church, thanks anyway." Eventually, they were so persistent I would just close the door.

 

[danielson]

. I even chased one down the street once with a copy of the Baghivaghida.

one put his foot in the door when my frined tried to shut it. when my friend asked him to move it he refused saying he just wanted to talk

my friend nodded, and opened the door slowly then slammed it as hard as he could

the dude moved his foot.....

 

[J-DAM]

Re: Ways to get rid of a JW

Invite them in to see your fine collection of dinosaur fossils.

hahahahaah..

 

[casavant]

Julez- I definitely agree on helping your fellow humans in a more direct and tangible way.

Freakmonster: Your ways to get rid of a Jehovah's Witness were pretty funny.

Your second post has a lot of truths to it, but you seem to put a bit of a spin on some facts. Like #3- it's not like you have to get a consent form signed when you get a new job. Short of something like the armed forces, you're employment is pretty much up to you. If you do join the military, you may become disfellowshipped, but considering you're breaking your own doctrine you probably wouldn't care that much at that point.

#8: Sports are discouraged, but I have never heard of children being required to only associate with other JWs. The rules of parents may vary, but the religion doesn't require it.

 

[FreakMonster]

Casavant,
Are you thinking of becoming a JW?

I have nothing against JW's but I feel like they have been brainwashed for the most part and if you read alot of there prophecies they are off on many dates including 1914 and 607 BCE. Many JW's can't take any critizism or don't like to debate.

 

[casavant]

Freakmonster:

Oh, hell no brother, I am NOT thinking of becoming a Witness. I mentioned the fact that my mother was one in my first posting of the day (the one about "what if you found out your mother was a prostitute?"). Since everyone seems to have some pretty strong opinions about Witnesses, as well as misconceptions, I thought it would be an interesting thread. Gotta go now. I'll be back tomorrow.