intense anger

[stilleto]

I went to the funeral and burial today of my son's friend (his girlfriend's brother). The boy was 16 and died in an accident, so it was an incredibly emotional morning. Throughout the wake yesterday, and then the funeral today, and the burial, I've never seen more people crying and crying... the only people who barely cried... were the parents.

They are going through a nasty divorce and the father keeps doing one strange and totally evil thing after the next (he burned all of his kids baby pictures, including his son who JUST died). So i see the mother today and she's composed. I mean, a few times she shed some tears, but then she composed herself and was okay. She was one of the first people to walk away from the ceremony at the gravesite and get into her car.

I saw her later at the crash site, which is all decorated. She came over and gave me a hug (her daughter has been living with me for a few months) and I told her that she did really well today.

She said, "really? i did? you couldn't tell how angry I was?"
angry?
I said no... she was so calm. She said she tried, but it took all her strength not to show how angry she was at her husband.

All I could think of was that this was her teenage son's FUNERAL, and she was so consumed with anger that it consumed her.

wow.
I gave her some good news (my old company is collecting money to help pay for the funeral) and she smiled and said she could use some good news. Then she had to go pick up dinner for her parents, and she left.

It was a little surreal.

 

[nefertiti]

While i don't know the situation, anger is a natural part of grief...and that anger isn't always directed at those who are lost. It's common for parents who lose a child to turn that anger on each other.

 

[ortiz34]

she's blessed to have you to help

sometimes you got to let go and let them sink or swim

 

[SpyWizard]

he'll die alone and angry..

sad really..

 

[stilleto]

While i don't know the situation, anger is a natural part of grief...and that anger isn't always directed at those who are lost. It's common for parents who lose a child to turn that anger on each other.

that's what i'm thinking too, but they were intensely angry at eachother before the death... and still now afterwards.

 

[nefertiti]

that's what i'm thinking too, but they were intensely angry at eachother before the death... and still now afterwards.

Yeah, I don't believe it was all grief driven...but that anger is familiar to her, and probably the "safest" way for her to cope with things right now is just channeling everything into the anger that was already there.

Again, I'm grasping at straws. I don't think I'd even be able to stand up for the weight of my grief if I lost my child.

 

[Bikini Mod]

When you are over-wrought with grief (pain, that if you allowed yourself to feel it, would lead to your undoing) ANGER is the only way to keep from offing yourself... that and vascilating between keeping yourself busy trying to help other people.

Trust me on this one.

 

[stilleto]

When you are over-wrought with grief (pain, that if you allowed yourself to feel it, would lead to your undoing) ANGER is the only way to keep from offing yourself... that and vascilating between keeping yourself busy trying to help other people.

Trust me on this one.

yeah, that makes sense.
I was thinking about it on my way to work. The boy died on thursday and my son said the mom just threw herself on the ground, unable to get up, screaming and crying. She stayed up until 6pm the next day (friday), crying, and then took something to fall asleep. Saturday, she said she was just going to stay in bed all day, but by saturday afternoon she went out with her mother to buy easter stuff for her 10 year old. Sunday, they had easter dinner. I don't know how she was then, and my monday, she was able to go make funeral arrangments, pick out a burial plot, and even laugh a little. the funeral was Tuesday, and by then, she was barely crying, even though there was a line of people snaking through town to walk through the funeral home, and every one was crying. She looked calm and slightly removed- i think it was just the only way she could cope, and the anger helped.

 

[Bikini Mod]

yeah, that makes sense.
I was thinking about it on my way to work. The boy died on thursday and my son said the mom just threw herself on the ground, unable to get up, screaming and crying. She stayed up until 6pm the next day (friday), crying, and then took something to fall asleep. Saturday, she said she was just going to stay in bed all day, but by saturday afternoon she went out with her mother to buy easter stuff for her 10 year old. Sunday, they had easter dinner. I don't know how she was then, and my monday, she was able to go make funeral arrangments, pick out a burial plot, and even laugh a little. the funeral was Tuesday, and by then, she was barely crying, even though there was a line of people snaking through town to walk through the funeral home, and every one was crying. She looked calm and slightly removed- i think it was just the only way she could cope, and the anger helped.

Exactly... she has to find a way to deal for herself and her surviving children.

Anger is the only way. In the short term it is a solution but in the longterm it is VERY damaging.

She will be livid for a very long time as her son will NEVER come back. She most likely blames herself for marrying her ex and choosing him to father her son, not leaving sooner, etc, etc, etc or a whole host of things that we will never be made privy to.

Now is not the time but eventually she will need support to help her find way to move on in a positive fashion or her anger will consume her and everyone around her that needs her love (ie her surviving children, her family and someday a new life partner).

I can't imagine this woman's grief. Or should I say, I don't WANT to...

 

[ortiz34]

she's probably heaped up on xannies to keep her calm

 

[Bikini Mod]

she's probably heaped up on xannies to keep her calm

Maybe yes, maybe no.

You would be amazed at how one can push ANY HURT out of their consciousness if they substitute anger and/or keep busy trying to help people. But when you are alone, for even a minute, that shit comes flooding back and the grief is unbearable.

The sounds that a mother emits when she feels her child is lost (in this case, she's burrying her child so SHE KNOWS he isn't coming back... EVER) are not human.

You can't open your mouth widely enough to accomodate the noises that come rushing out. They can be so loud that the neighborhood can hear or so soft that sleeping children 5 feet away won't hear, but their intensity is THE SAME.

 

[nangiggles]

Grief is such a complex thing.... everyone copes in different ways, at my fathers wake I did not shed a single tear, and neither did my mother, it's kinda weird but we kept looking at eachother and if either of us had cried the other would have started and both would crumble down... some people can't cry during the hard moment becuase once they're down they can't get up so they wait and wait until it's all said and done and then just "lose" it at home.....

 

[ortiz34]

Grief is such a complex thing.... everyone copes in different ways, at my fathers wake I did not shed a single tear, and neither did my mother, it's kinda weird but we kept looking at eachother and if either of us had cried the other would have started and both would crumble down... some people can't cry during the hard moment becuase once they're down they can't get up so they wait and wait until it's all said and done and then just "lose" it at home.....

sorry for your loss

 

[nangiggles]

sorry for your loss

Thanks