Input on family situation

[ponyfitness]

First of all, I got married last week. Yay me, and before all of the marriage haters come out I'm very happy and know I made the right decision with this one.

So my sister was married about five years ago, and probably spent about 30k on her wedding, which I know for a fact cost wise was largely split between my father and mother (divorced) and her husbands' parents.

My new wife and I made it very clear that in terms of wedding gifts all we wanted was financial contributions towards a house fund because we are saving hard to buy. We had an incredibly simple wedding which cost us about $2k to hold, most of which was taking 30 people out for a nice catered dinner after a City Hall ceremony because we aren't about the big day. We did all the usual pictures (friend is a photographer), cake, etc but at low cost - it was a beautiful day. And we paid for the whole thing.

This week we get to opening gifts and receive a huge financial contribution from her parents - which they can't afford (both retired). We spoke to them about it just making sure it was okay and they said no problem, they want to see us get a good start in life. Great.

My father and mother roll around and my father couldn't even be bothered to send his own card, he signed on with my sister. They got us a nice barbecue. Thoughtful, but I know it was my sister's idea (no problem there) and him signing the card was obviously an afterthought because it isn't even his handwriting. My mother also gives us a gift - a nice clock which while beautiful is totally nothing that we want or need. It also probably cost about $300. My parents are both very well off financially, much more so than my wife's parents.

So, knowing that your parents probably contributed about 20k to your sister when she got married and receiving a total of less than 1k in wedding gifts when you got married, would you say anything to them about it? Plus, I'm incredibly hurt that my father couldn't even be bothered to sign a card of his own.

 

[puddlemonkey]

Couple things to think about... 5 years ago when your sister got married the economy was different, people are a lot tighter with their finances now days not knowing what tomorrow holds. I'm guessing your sister was the first of any siblings to get married? That may have something to do with it, firsts are usually a big deal to parents. I know my older brother got all the cool shit growing up, and I got a bunch of hand-me-downs once he was done with it.

All said and done it's just money. Family > Money

Wont comment on the card, do you know for SURE he didn't sign it?

Maybe your parents dislike your new wife?

 

[KillahBee]

1) Can't really compare weddings to your sister's cause aren't parents SUPPOSED to pay for the girl's wedding? In other words, that ain't apples to apples

2) Is this their way of showing disapproval for your marriage (in some way)?

3) Think you certainly have a gripe here. It ain't about money, it's about the thoughts/effort - I completely get you on that one. However, the real question is, "Will saying something to them HELP the situation". My guess is, no. Probably just gotta suck it up, take one for the team, and move past it. Enjoy the time for how it should be enjoyed - celebrating your new life

4) Congrats.

 

[mrplunkey]

^^^ Both outstanding analysis of situation.

Damn. Write the date down. EF actually gave good advice.

 

[Strongbow]

^^^ Both outstanding analysis of situation.

Damn. Write the date down. EF actually gave good advice.

LOLZ @good advice, I hadn't even posted how I would deal with this shit yet. The good advice is yet to come.

 

[TableFun]

I agree with the first 2 chicks who posted.

 

[Strongbow]

I agree with the first 2 chicks who posted.

You have no opinion till I give you one.

 

[ponyfitness]

Couple things to think about... 5 years ago when your sister got married the economy was different, people are a lot tighter with their finances now days not knowing what tomorrow holds. I'm guessing your sister was the first of any siblings to get married? That may have something to do with it, firsts are usually a big deal to parents. I know my older brother got all the cool shit growing up, and I got a bunch of hand-me-downs once he was done with it.

All said and done it's just money. Family > Money

Wont comment on the card, do you know for SURE he didn't sign it?

Maybe your parents dislike your new wife?

Good advice so far. Yes, sister was first and wanted the big foo foo wedding. They love my wife, she's amazing and really good for me so that certainly can't be a factor. Plus we have been together for three years so I sincerely hope that they would have said something by now if they didn't.

In terms of the finances, that definitely isn't it. He lives in a million dollar home, works in corporate law and has two cars and a huge cottage property.

I guess I'm just hugely disappointed in my father for the most part, because if my kid (especially my son) got married I would make sure that they at least got a contribution that I could handle towards helping with a house - if I knew that was what they really wanted (which I made perfectly clear). Plus I'd at least buy my own damn card and give it to him.

 

[EnderJE]

^^^ Both outstanding analysis of situation.

Damn. Write the date down. EF actually gave good advice.

Dang, I was going to say that clearly someone has been hacking the accounts again.

Pony, why does it bother you that bad? Do you need the validation from your father?

 

[EnderJE]

I guess I'm just hugely disappointed in my father for the most part, because if my kid (especially my son) got married I would make sure that they at least got a contribution that I could handle towards helping with a house - if I knew that was what they really wanted (which I made perfectly clear). Plus I'd at least buy my own damn card and give it to him.

Maybe he saw this as weakness because you're able to stand up on your own in the world?

Oh, would it be bad if I put up a karma bookie event to when you get divorced?

 

[SpyWizard]

First of all, I got married last week. Yay me, and before all of the marriage haters come out I'm very happy and know I made the right decision with this one.

So my sister was married about five years ago, and probably spent about 30k on her wedding, which I know for a fact cost wise was largely split between my father and mother (divorced) and her husbands' parents.

My new wife and I made it very clear that in terms of wedding gifts all we wanted was financial contributions towards a house fund because we are saving hard to buy. We had an incredibly simple wedding which cost us about $2k to hold, most of which was taking 30 people out for a nice catered dinner after a City Hall ceremony because we aren't about the big day. We did all the usual pictures (friend is a photographer), cake, etc but at low cost - it was a beautiful day. And we paid for the whole thing.

This week we get to opening gifts and receive a huge financial contribution from her parents - which they can't afford (both retired). We spoke to them about it just making sure it was okay and they said no problem, they want to see us get a good start in life. Great.

My father and mother roll around and my father couldn't even be bothered to send his own card, he signed on with my sister. They got us a nice barbecue. Thoughtful, but I know it was my sister's idea (no problem there) and him signing the card was obviously an afterthought because it isn't even his handwriting. My mother also gives us a gift - a nice clock which while beautiful is totally nothing that we want or need. It also probably cost about $300. My parents are both very well off financially, much more so than my wife's parents.

So, knowing that your parents probably contributed about 20k to your sister when she got married and receiving a total of less than 1k in wedding gifts when you got married, would you say anything to them about it? Plus, I'm incredibly hurt that my father couldn't even be bothered to sign a card of his own.

So you feel entitled to the same level of gifts that your sister received?? is that what you are saying??

you are the boy.. now be the man and suck it up.. did you know that in most cultures where this level of non equal giving, the "male child" receives 100% of the inheritance ??

just saying, don't mean to come off sounding rude, the idea that you are comparing the level of gifting erks me... I paid for $500 as a gift for my 1st child.. then at the wedding I gave a check for $20K to the new son in law.. they then bought a townhome that I would and did advise they not buy, they are now $80K upside down in that home and cannot sell it..

Point being, it's a gift, did you ever think that your parents are hurt that you didn't allow them them to throw a big party for you and your new wife?? that's what a wedding is.. a party.. you were so selfish you even paid for the whole thing and since you are such "the big man" you can save your own money to buy a house.. that's what they did..

Life is a lesson, it's not fair, it's not equal...

Again, sorry to sound so blunt..

 

[ponyfitness]

So you feel entitled to the same level of gifts that your sister received?? is that what you are saying??

you are the boy.. now be the man and suck it up.. did you know that in most cultures where this level of non equal giving, the "male child" receives 100% of the inheritance ??

just saying, don't mean to come off sounding rude, the idea that you are comparing the level of gifting erks me... I paid for $500 as a gift for my 1st child.. then at the wedding I gave a check for $20K to the new son in law.. they then bought a townhome that I would and did advise they not buy, they are now $80K upside down in that home and cannot sell it..

Point being, it's a gift, did you ever think that your parents are hurt that you didn't allow them them to throw a big party for you and your new wife?? that's what a wedding is.. a party.. you were so selfish you even paid for the whole thing and since you are such "the big man" you can save your own money to buy a house.. that's what they did..

Life is a lesson, it's not fair, it's not equal...

Again, sorry to sound so blunt..

It's not the fact the gifts are unequal, it's mostly the fact that he obviously put no effort and thought into it.

We also didn't want a big party - everyone at the wedding was immediate family and our closest friends. Do you really think it is selfish to throw your own party?

 

[Strongbow]

Fuck all these geigh ass reasons that yo family fucked you. Point is you got FUCKED, now what you do is go to your parents and let them know that you remember what they paid for your sister's weeding. Tell each of them that you feel they owe you 15 grand a piece. You get 30k and a damn good leg up on that house you and your new wife are working hard to aquire. Damn all this shit about how it was your sister and their priority and shit, they owe it to each of their children to treat you as equals. Step the fuck up and speak yo peace, you know it fucking bothers you or you wouldn't be here talking about it. This is good advice, all that other shit is just pansy ass fucks giving their 2 cents. And as far as money<family, you really are not being considered family if they putting a fucking on you. So there real advice from The Chosen One.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

Congrats

I can say one thing about my Mom and Step-father for certain when it comes to contributing to us kids it is ALWAYS equal they make a point of making sure neither my brother and I get more or my step brother or step sister get more.

F the be a man stuff seriously retarded this is 2010 not 1910 kids should be treated equal regardless of sex. I would be upset if my parents were to contribute more to my wedding then my brothers just cause I am a girl. They never raised me with any sort of sense of entitle just because I am a woman.

 

[SpyWizard]

It's not the fact the gifts are unequal, it's mostly the fact that he obviously put no effort and thought into it.

We also didn't want a big party - everyone at the wedding was immediate family and our closest friends. Do you really think it is selfish to throw your own party?

no not at all, it's what my wife and I did... I was simply pointing out that parents can feel slighted, and the older we get the longer we can carry a grudge.. often times if just asked our opinion we feel included.. and that' might be what your parents are feeling..

trying to point out a possible reason on why they might feel the way they do..

 

[trex74]

Technically speaking it is the bride's parents who pay for a wedding, which may be why your parents put out that much money for your sister and not for you.
So you can't really compare the amount of money they spent, because they were not obligated to pay the same amount for your wedding, because you were a groom, not a bride.
I'm not saying it's right, but it's the old-fashioned etiquette-approved way of doing things.
I think $ 1000 of wedding gifts isn't bad at all.

 

[SpyWizard]

when and where did it become the responsibility of the parents to pay for a wedding.. it's 2010, not 1910..

entitlement, so many of the posts in here say this and that.... when did it become the responsibility of the parents to provide for a down payment, wedding, or college for anyone??

they have plenty they can share.. damn socialism right there.. spend what you earn, not what your parents earn..

just a different point of view..

 

[SpyWizard]

Technically speaking it is the bride's parents who pay for a wedding, which may be why your parents put out that much money for your sister and not for you.
So you can't really compare the amount of money they spent, because they were not obligated to pay the same amount for your wedding, because you were a groom, not a bride.
I'm not saying it's right, but it's the old-fashioned etiquette-approved way of doing things.
I think $ 1000 of wedding gifts isn't bad at all.

isn't that tradition because they are greatful that their daughter will not be forced into prostitution because she couldn't provide for herself any other way??

what happened to the virgin tradition?.. I mean lets do all of them right??

not picking on ya, just pointing out..

 

[deco]

dude my dad got always screwed cause he had a sister. ALWAYS. He came out better off and it was never a huge deal just kind of acceptable. I had a big brother who actually contrary what people believe always was treated better and more important. I just kinda tagged through life on my own. It has some downsides such as me getting in trouble more often and what not but still it didn't make me any less then him. Graduated good college living on my own and we're all still tight as a family even though my father lives on a different continent. Maybe I just grew up thinking this is ok and maybe some people wouldn't be used to living a family life like we do but while there were some ups and downs things always worked out.

 

[deco]

I could never feel that I was in some way entitled to a gift from my parents though. Usually if anything comes from their way I have hard time accepting it. My fathers built a real estate portfolio back in my home country couple of millions and I know it will end up in my hands but financially, he has not helped me since I was 16-17. I've had few gifts which usually consisted of plane tickets to see him back home. I've dug myself in 40-50k in lawyer fees recently and I worked every penny of it myself. I do not feel that my father was ever required to help me out.

 

[ponyfitness]

I could never feel that I was in some way entitled to a gift from my parents though. Usually if anything comes from their way I have hard time accepting it. My fathers built a real estate portfolio back in my home country couple of millions and I know it will end up in my hands but financially, he has not helped me since I was 16-17. I've had few gifts which usually consisted of plane tickets to see him back home. I've dug myself in 40-50k in lawyer fees recently and I worked every penny of it myself. I do not feel that my father was ever required to help me out.

I get that - however, if he gave money to your brother to help him out of a jam and you found yourself in a similar situation like it down the road and he ignored it, would you be disappointed or would it make you feel differently about your relationship?

 

[nangiggles]

I can tell you out of my family (older sister and older brother so Im the youngest) my mom didnt seem to give much of a fuck about my wedding, I lived with my BF for 4 years and then we got married, small civil union with a dinner party later, we paid for all the food and I made my own fondant wedding cake, my sister got married 2 weeks a go and she was all over the place about it, why? big hoopla religious wedding with the white dress bells and whistles, seems my mom didnt consider my wedding "real" for not doing it religious and big, maybe your parents feel the same way about yours, they dont see it with good eyes because of it....

 

[deco]

I get that - however, if he gave money to your brother to help him out of a jam and you found yourself in a similar situation like it down the road and he ignored it, would you be disappointed or would it make you feel differently about your relationship?

I can't say it hasn't happened before. It's fucked up and shit it's been brought up and if anything my brother is 10 years older then me and since he's been spoiled from the get go he has this entitlement that to this day all the attention needs to go to him. I'm kinda over it because I think if shit were really to hit the fan my parents would always get my back. Until then I'm just gonna fight on. I agree with you that it's fucked up but the point I'm trying to make is that your not alone in this, just about any brother/brother or sister brother or whatever combo you want to take, will always end up in one of them being favored or treated better/worse. I don't know to some extent it's made me stronger and far less dependent than my brother and I'm ok with it. I'm not trying to talk down on you or anything, just sharing my story and I understand people are brought up differently with different expectations and traditions. In your situation i think id just write it off as if ur sister is a spoiled brat and you'll just have to work harder for what you want.

 

[ceo]

don't listen to Strongbow.

 

[shirlene29]

if it wasnt already mentioned ...Im an asshole so i would probably mention the amazing gift from the new wifes parents every fuckin chance I got, while simultaneously pointing out how they must've struggled to give such a generous gift on such limited incomes

 

[Oceano]

Congratulations on your marriage pony.

Judging by the story, I can see why you're a little irked.

 

[Cutiebaby]

Tradition is that parents pay for their daughters wedding, not their son.

Also could be that they have higher faith in you financially than they do your sister.

Or, could be that you are the apple in the family of oranges.

My husbands parents are the same way!

 

[puddlemonkey]

Couple things to think about... 5 years ago when your sister got married the economy was different, people are a lot tighter with their finances now days not knowing what tomorrow holds. I'm guessing your sister was the first of any siblings to get married? That may have something to do with it, firsts are usually a big deal to parents. I know my older brother got all the cool shit growing up, and I got a bunch of hand-me-downs once he was done with it.

All said and done it's just money. Family > Money

Wont comment on the card, do you know for SURE he didn't sign it?

Maybe your parents dislike your new wife?

wtf was I smoking last night?



lol@marriage

 

[Stefka]

Is this your second marriage, or do you have a kid with someone else?

 

[nangiggles]

Is this your second marriage, or do you have a kid with someone else?

good questions

 

[calveless wonder]

1) Can't really compare weddings to your sister's cause aren't parents SUPPOSED to pay for the girl's wedding? In other words, that ain't apples to apples

2) Is this their way of showing disapproval for your marriage (in some way)?

3) Think you certainly have a gripe here. It ain't about money, it's about the thoughts/effort - I completely get you on that one. However, the real question is, "Will saying something to them HELP the situation". My guess is, no. Probably just gotta suck it up, take one for the team, and move past it. Enjoy the time for how it should be enjoyed - celebrating your new life

4) Congrats.

point #1 is huge....#2 is a possibility and #3 is true

spot on ngr

 

[ponyfitness]

Is this your second marriage, or do you have a kid with someone else?

No and no. And like I said, if they disapproved of the marriage, it is news to me. Even my mother the morning of our wedding day at breakfast said she thinks she's perfect for me.

 

[ortiz34]

Start playing the woe is me card, and saying you can't afford a house yet cause you need 10-15k more and you have to get out of your place soon cause it's a shit hole (make up things), but you don't want to rent anymore and be throwing money out the window.

 

[nangiggles]

No and no. And like I said, if they disapproved of the marriage, it is news to me. Even my mother the morning of our wedding day at breakfast said she thinks she's perfect for me.

Mom cried at mine none the less.... and she's a common american christian not even this big catholic latina type

 

[Strongbow]

Mom cried at mine none the less.... and she's a common american christian not even this big catholic latina type

You need to go look at the glads life update thread and set your girl Shirlene strait. TYIA