I wish I had a pet monkey.

[Paulos]

I would train it to do laundry and fellate me.

 

[big_bad_buff]

I would train it to do laundry and fellate me.

i would let it throw it's shit on me, then tell everyone it's my shit, and i threw it on myself

 

[Big Johnson]

I had a pet monkey named "religion." He was bad often, and often I found myself spanking him while shouting, "Bad Religion!"

No one can spank a monkey as often as I did him without causing damage of some kind.

He eventually drowned in Sailor Girl's pudding, having found my over-zealous hand too much to bear.

Sometimes, I sit and think about the glimmering light as it reflected off the surface of that pool of quivering pudding. It stands fixed in my mind, the end of bad religion, his passing marked by a fatal swim in SG's pudding.