I have a strange question.

[Bikini Mod]

If one person tells another, "Tell me that you love me" and that person responds positively (even though their actions have MORE than said it already).....then when the second person makes the same playfull request, but the first declines......what does that mean?

Does this make ANY SENSE? I am totally confused. We were having "girltalk" and I can usually figure these things out, but this is something foreign to me.

Then to almost "explain" themselves later on, the first person says that they are not as open with their emotions ie - they have a more difficult time expressing their deepest feelings.

My question I guess, is why would one person ask another person to profess their most intimate feelings (especially knowing how deep that person's capacity to love is.....or at least, having a good idea) if they, themselves are not willing to express the same?

Is it that they do NOT return those feelings and just enjoy the fact that someone feels this for them? Or is it that they have been so devastated in the past that they need to be VERY REASSURED before they will give their heart to someone? True, some give their emotions more freely than others, but still, this seems somewhat cruel to me.

PS - the parties involved are not 16. They are both VERY experienced in life and have been married and have children.......

I find this to be very intriguing and am eager to hear all the points of view of my brothas and sistas here at elite.

 

[Freak Show]

I think it may have something to do with "power" or maybe having the upper hand in the relationship. Sometimes people wanna know that they got someone "hooked". It does make you feel like you're in control. Then they fool themselves even more by not responding the same way. Some people need that. However, that theory about needing to be reassured is a good one too.

 

[Fonz]

If one person tells another, "Tell me that you love me" and that person responds positively (even though their actions have MORE than said it already).....then when the second person makes the same playfull request, but the first declines......what does that mean?

Does this make ANY SENSE? I am totally confused. We were having "girltalk" and I can usually figure these things out, but this is something foreign to me.

Then to almost "explain" themselves later on, the first person says that they are not as open with their emotions ie - they have a more difficult time expressing their deepest feelings.

My question I guess, is why would one person ask another person to profess their most intimate feelings (especially knowing how deep that person's capacity to love is.....or at least, having a good idea) if they, themselves are not willing to express the same?

Is it that they do NOT return those feelings and just enjoy the fact that someone feels this for them? Or is it that they have been so devastated in the past that they need to be VERY REASSURED before they will give their heart to someone? True, some give their emotions more freely than others, but still, this seems somewhat cruel to me.

PS - the parties involved are not 16. They are both VERY experienced in life and have been married and have children.......

I find this to be very intriguing and am eager to hear all the points of view of my brothas and sistas here

My GF told me she felt this way too.
Guys have a thing called MASCULINE PRIDE.
Took me a while, but I managed to tell
her things I hadn't told anyone.
After that, it was smooth sailing........
It was relly, really, hard to do though.

My guess is that he has something to tell you.

Godspeed

 

[MrMuscle]

i think you should stop watching Ricki Lake

 

[TxCollegeguy]

I understand this somewhat and sense that is what my mother went through the last couple years she was married to my dad. Some people have a fear of telling someone they love them, and need to hear that they are loved

 

[Fonz]

i think you should stop watching Ricki Lake

LOL

Godspeed

 

[madbomber31]

the person who asked to be told, in my opinion, has love for the other person... but she is worried that when she says "i love you" she will not get that in reply.. she seems to want to be certain that she is loved back...

have you ever said "i love you" and had the person not say anything? i have... that is not a good feeling at all... it makes you wonder and doubt...

i believe freak show is way off the mark in his response of "power"... not many people WANT to have someone in love with them if they are not also in love... that is an strange situation in itself and very uncomfortable... you feel the NEED to say it back, but dont feel it so you dont want to say it... then you feel pure pressure.

i am intrigued with this conversation because i am thinking its two females... because of the "girl talk"... but i guess it could be two males...

and yes, i believe the person asking to be told has been hurt in the past and probably does not even know if they believe that they are loved.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Mr M - I LOVE YOU!! YOU CRACK ME UP!!!

MadB, TXCGuy and Fonz - that is a very interesting point of view...one that I did not think of. I, myslef, was leaning towards Feakshow's interpretation of power and control.

I am the kind of person who always gave freely, not expecting anything in return. In other words, if you seemed like a good and decent person - then I trust you (of course, there are limits and I am not saying that I am stupid, but you get the gist.). If you break my trust - THEN I have issue. I have never been one to sweat being hurt. It has always been my opinion that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Though I do not relish it, I do not fear pain, either. So it is very difficult for me to fathom someone loving another, wanting that person to express this in words (Words are secondary, BEHAVIOR is most important...but still, it is soothing to hear. If I had to choose between a man who ALWAYS showed me his love but NEVER said the words and a man who would express these thoughts in cards and words, etc yet who behaved in a fashion that was contradictory to his statements - as my ex - who do ya'll think I would choose?!) ESPECIALLY while making love...then not returning the verbal expression.

From what my gf confided, his behaviour indicates that of sincerity and a tremendous longing to have everything "fall into place"....yet because of some DEVASTATING previous relationship experiences (I am still trying to comprehend how a woman could do such things to a man.) and the current entanglement that has resulted - children involved, relocating, etc. and perhaps personality - not all people can say what is in their hearts immediately (I know that some men have difficulty with this ESPECIALLY.) - there are no REAL ANSWERS. He has even gone so far as to tell her, that if she meets someone who can give her what she wants and needs that she should not "hold out and wait" for his situation to become more definite......What do you guys make of this?

Is he truly selfless and wants her happiness so much (because she really is a special woman who deserves so much more out of life than has been afforded) that he is willing to sacrifice his own? Or is it just that he doesn't want to "string her along" but he can't commit too much for "whatever" reason.

The only commitment they have so far is that they have promised that if either feels the need to become intimate w/another they will let the person know.

Let me know what you guys think.

I do so want to give my gf good advice, but I am telling you guys...because of the way I think I can't fathom this. Really, I can't.

Is she really naive? or is he THAT protective of her feelings?

 

[fiatconspiracy]

woman think way way too much, another point to the 18 years old chicks, way less thinking, dont make me strain my 40 watt brain

 

[madbomber31]

i have a good thought on that entire question of telling her to move on if someone comes along willing to give her all those things...

i have said this... in fact, what i was hoping was that my decision would be made for me... by she either moving on and making me go after the other one with all my power... or by she sticking by and that way i have her to fall back on IF the current/soon to be ex decides to follow through... this makes it easier on the guy, he has a 67% chance of ending up with someone instead of ending up alone... THAT statement would and should be a warning that he doesnt know what he wants. trust me, i have said these words...

 

[Bikini Mod]

I understand what you are saying MB as this happened to me once, back in the day. I REALLY dug two diff guys I was dating, hadn't "committed" to either so I "offered myself up to both".....whoever took it, got me. Needless to say, this was a BBAAAAAAAAD move. As I am now in divorce court.

In this case though, there is no "other woman". It is a distance and circumstance thing. Both he and she have children, with children come ex's, and then VERY DIFFICULT decisions have to be made.

So now let me ask this.....assuming this is the case (that he can not make a decision about continuing the relationship because of the distance/circumstance thing.) Why would ANYONE allow another total control over whether or not a relationship continues if they genuinely care for that individual? I mean, we are talking grown-ups here.....not teenage "fantasy land" (no offense to the teenage board members). Does this mean that he really DOESN'T care for her.....or that he cares so deeply for her that he would be willing to let her go because he can not guarantee a future and doesn't want her to be hurt by this?

OK..now this sounds like a fucking soap opera.

Seriously, though I would like your opinions. This all just does not fit into my head.

 

[TxCollegeguy]

BM this reminds me of a country song by Tim Mcgraw(sp?) I agree with the 2nd part of your last post where he might care for her enough to know that he can't provide what she will need in her life

 

[Bikini Mod]

So now, either this guy is just THE MOST caring man on the planet...or he is a total user.

WTF?

 

[Bikini Mod]

Ummmm, you would have to have a dick to be able to do that....BEING A DICK is not good enough.

 

[edgecrusher]

Personally, if I where to tell a woman that it would be ok for her to leave me if she met someone else, it would me looking for an easy way out of a relationship (something I've never done). I did however, experience a situation where when I saw my girlfriend w/ another person and realised, how happy they were together, I let her go.

A situation like this sounds quite unhealthy to me. It seems as though these people are together for all the wrong reasons. I don't know if they are afraid to be alone, staying together for there kids, or whatever reason but if it is not for love then it is the wrong reason. And it will only cause bad things to manifest within there relationship.

If your not in it for the right reasons, then get out of it. I guess what i'm trying to say is if I did care for the person, I would not allow them to have total control over the situation, I could not let them just walk away, not if i cared.

 

[HappyScrappy]

nothing about any of that question is at all strange.

a strange question would be like:
"I have a strong affinity for the sound that blue makes. Why is it that when I hear it, I want to drag myself across the upstairs hallway carpet while holding and massaging a young female goat?"

that's strange.

and if any of your question involves women, then all bets are off - you never know what is going on there.
just come up with two theories and then flip a coin to choose which.
it doesn't matter b/c they are both wrong and the real reason will keep changing anyway.

 

[Bikini Mod]

I see our point edgecrusher..but they have children of their own from other relationships that are ending - FOR REAL. One is just waiting for the paperwork to go through and the other is relocating to another state faaaaaar away from the other....career move.

What I am saying is that they "happened across each other" at a point when they were both in the midst of making major life changes....and they have developed very strong feelings for each other (hence the playful "tell me that you love me"- he said during making love...yet he did not reciprocate when she asked him the same playfully also during lovemaking).

She asked us (girls) while chatting what we thought of this and I for the life of me can not figure it out. So now, is he the most sensitive man on the planet - afraid to show his true feelings for her because he had been devastated in the past. Now he finds this amazing woman, but is moving across country and the likelihood that she would EVER be able to be with him is near impossible as her ex would NEVER allow her to move with her kids.....and she would NEVER leave them. So he can not end the relationship....she can't either even though they BOTH know that there is almost NO WAY that it could EVER WORK OUT.........

or is he the BIGGEST USER on the planet, just trying to get THE MOST AMAZING COOCHIE EVER while he is still able to have her being that she is STILL somewhat geographically desirable?!

 

[MrMuscle]

i didnt read any of that...if i did im sure id feel even more dumber than i actually am

 

[madbomber31]

mr muscle??? you cannot get any dumber so dont worry bro.. you will smarten up when you feed your peter (penis) some nifty love juice.... (snatch drippings).


bm... i personally dont think the man in question cares as much about her as it seems... he thinks he loves her but at the same time does not feel like putting forth the effort??? its possible.. maybe he thinks if she finds someone else and that person takes her away then he will have less stress somehow..

but... here is a brilliant idea...

SHE SHOULD ASK HIM... and maybe she will be able to judge his honesty right then and there... ask HIM all the things you are wondering here... see what he says...

if she is really wanting him to say i love you, she should ask and suck his dick while awaiting the reply...

 

[MrMuscle]

i cannot get any dumber? damn..what is there to strive for then?

 

[cm3504jm]

Most men are unable to mutter that phrase....

I feel because of:

1- They are afraid of the responsibility and commitment that go along with muttering the "L" word.

2- They really dont care to love the woman, for them its another conquest to be notched in their belt. Their respect for women is nil as is their self-respect.

When one utters the word and it is not acknowleged or returned, there is a break in communication between 2 people and without this communication, the relationship is doomed to failure.

think about it: when you say "thank you" to someone, if they have no "you're welcome" or any response. How do you feel? Like you have been ignored....
Its the same with "I Love You. You tell someone that and they dont return it, you will feel obviously like they REALLY DONT LOVE YOU. And if they don't, then why the bother?

Its no big deal to return the love, if you really truly care about someone-love them. There are many levels of love that exist, to truly care about someone-tell them you love them and mean it. Just saying those words show you care a lot. If you dont feel love for them, say it, communicate, and life will be a lot easier in the long run for everyone.

Communication, love, and shared interests make relationships so much easier to establish.

 

[edgecrusher]

Either way it is a tough call. Not having first hand knowledge of either individual makes it even more difficult to offer any true insight. There are both types of people in this world, users and givers. Sometimes (as in this case) it is hard to tell which is which. The best thing your friend can do is just play it by ear and use her head. Which can be quite difficult in a situation like this, seeing as how they have both been intimate w/ each other. Quite a quandry they have gotten themselves into, I can only hope for the best for both of them.

 

[Bikini Mod]

........Quite a quandry they have gotten themselves into, I can only hope for the best for both of them.

No words truer spoken my brotha.

I guess this is the time to bring out the old, "That which does not destroy us, makes us stronger" quote.

I appreciate everyone's insights and will be sure to pass them along.