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How forgiving are you when your man does something shady?
- Thread starter Jade19
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Your lover, partner, mate - whatever the description should really be the one person you can count on. If that one person sees fit to lie to you about anything then that person should not be that one you can count on and liars, well, you can only count on them to lie to you.
M
*MissFit*
Guest
ppl use alcohol as an excuse.
It's not one
It's not one
Define "shady" and "BS lies"
Jade19 said:
Let me twist that around for a second.
He only cheats on me when he's drunk.
He only lies to me when he's drunk.
He only beats me when he's drunk.
He only treats me poorly me when he's drunk.
He only verbally abusive to me when he's drunk.
He only steals from me when he's drunk.
He only promises me it will get better when he's sober.
Is it still ok that shady stuff happens "while intoxicated"?
Jade19
New member
No it isn't, thats why i cant quit dwelling on it or forgive him. He's never beat me or ne thing. Dont have proof he cheated but he lied about where he was once and i found out. Talked to his friends (the girls they were w 2) They all say nothing happened, but I can't see ........... clearly. Dont wanna lose him, but i feel theres more i prolly dont know about, or know the complete truth.
Unresolved questions are always on my mind, the same one about the same night. I get no peace from it,.
Unresolved questions are always on my mind, the same one about the same night. I get no peace from it,.
Bikini Mod
New member
Jade darlin' you are missing the point...
The point is not that he didnt beat you or cheat on you.
The point is that he lied to you... but "only when he was drunk".
So then it is very simple. He either quits drinking, or you quit him - or you stay with him and accept it.
The point is not that he didnt beat you or cheat on you.
The point is that he lied to you... but "only when he was drunk".
So then it is very simple. He either quits drinking, or you quit him - or you stay with him and accept it.
Jade19
New member
Beached Whale said:
Thats what i told him, dont want to be with a drunk and deal w his bs when hes drunk and he knows that. Hes knows im serious and has knocked the shit off since but im afraid of wasting my time if hes just gonna give up. His dad was a horrible drunk and hes been one for over ten years.........
Jade19
New member
Gymgurl said:
You don't have to be sorry hun! I like to hear advice from all you girls.
You are right drinking is his problem along with a lot of unresolved anger issues he doesn't deal with. I've tried to get him into programs, he won't.
I think hes too proud, and would feel dumb walking into AA "Hi my name is ..... and I'm an alcoholic"
He even refuses to tell his father that he got a dui last july, hes ashamed.Damn boys and all their pride......
Wow, tough situation...question for you, how can you have a healthy relationship when you can't fall asleep at night with peace of mind? Trust, communication, and honesty are the 3 substancial factors of any healthy foundation (in both friendships and relationships) and the fact that he's putting you in a position (drunk or not <~~~lamo excuse btw) to question him and your relationship says to me that he really doesn't respect you nor have your best interest at hand....AND....the fact that he KNOWS this is a problem and has not changed....confirms it. The minute you begin doubting your man and your situation...IMO...you've begun to lose grip of it. Not by your fault at all...but you have to really evaluate the situation and if a man/women lacks in self awareness and doesn't recognize a prob when it surfaces and immediately make effort to promote positive change....you can pretty much bet a pattern will evolve going forward. I truly speak from experience with this...and as much as you, we, I hated to admit it...before you know it, you're caught up in a horrible addiction. (the relationship itself)
Jade19
New member
habitualhealth said:
the last part of your post is awesome. addiction, ain't it a bitch. History also tends to repeat itself. If the pattern continues and he starts drinking again, i have to leave. If alcohol is more important to him, than our relationship- there is nothing left for me in it- Besides heartbreak -
One flaw that I have tho in regards to what you said about peace of mind, trust from me doesnt come easy. I used to be a cheater, been cheated on. So its like I try to keep my eyes open to the chance that he could be fucking around, no matter what relationship im in. At first I will trust them, but you lie, get caught and then i get unresolved feelings from it then that trust doesnt come back for ALONG time. Gotta work for it, work hard.
Anyone else have soem hardcore trust issues?
Oh honey bear, lawd have mercy. Here's how I operate in the ol trust dept....trust comes with respect. I don't respect just anyone that comes along...with anything and anyone in life you have to earn respect. I come from a jacked up background...from molestation, infidelity amongst parents, step parents upon step parents, having someone cheat on me, being betrayed by someone I was crazy in love with, even being a single mommy (which i kick ass at may i addJade19 said:the last part of your post is awesome. addiction, ain't it a bitch. History also tends to repeat itself. If the pattern continues and he starts drinking again, i have to leave. If alcohol is more important to him, than our relationship- there is nothing left for me in it- Besides heartbreak -
One flaw that I have tho in regards to what you said about peace of mind, trust from me doesnt come easy. I used to be a cheater, been cheated on. So its like I try to keep my eyes open to the chance that he could be fucking around, no matter what relationship im in. At first I will trust them, but you lie, get caught and then i get unresolved feelings from it then that trust doesnt come back for ALONG time. Gotta work for it, work hard.
Anyone else have soem hardcore trust issues?
)....bla bla...we've all been through something. Here's the ordeal, with everything in life, in order to grow we have to learn SOMETHING from the experience in order to become a better person and to overcome. (<~~~run on sent) I've fully embraced all of the things I've experienced but what I've learned is that when I just freely toss out trust I am too vulnerable too quick...thus opening the door way too fast. I'm a tough beyotch. And the way I look at it, if someone wants me in their life (notice how I worded that) then they'll A. RESPECT me B. understand and C. be willing to take the TIME needed to make it happen. If those things aren't in place then it's not a best fit for me. And though, I understand there is another person involved...ultimately, it's me who's gotta have my back. The positive attribute in all that for me...is when I do actually begin to trust and give trust freely then I know I've really found something/someone worth investing in. (be it friend or relationship) 
Trust is the only common quality that can alone sustain a relationship. A relationship with everything in common except that, is doomed. (imo)
Bikini Mod
New member
If anyone has trust issues... it's me! LOL
Lifelong abuse by those that were supposed to have loved me most - an ex that is hellbent on destroying me and EXTREMELY poor choices for friends in the past.
BUT -
Been a year now that I have been in counseling and am working really hard to deal with it all. I have a few family members that have had my back from day one, am making some solid friendships with GOOD people and am learning to give and accept love again.
Not easy...
But I just cant go through life alone. I dont want to.
My bf is free to go and do what he wants and with whom he wants. I have committed to him. But I have not asked the same in return. When the time is right, if he proposes I am fairly certain I will accept, but until then I am not about to spend all my free time thinking "Where is he and what is he doing?" He knows how I feel... If I were to find out that he cheats then it would break my heart and HE KNOWS THAT. My friends think I am setting myself up to "get played." My response? How on earth can I get played? If he steps out on me and I find out about it he will have fucked up, but for good and we are done - PERIOD. I will have given all my love and trust fully. How could I have lost if he is the one that screws up? And if he does not, then all the better....
Fidelity comes from within and governs our external actions and not because of limitations set forth from social norms that would govern who we are on the inside.
If he wants to be with another woman then he should be with her. If I were to find out, it would crush me and harm our relationship beyond repair. If he loves me then why would he ever do such a thing? What useful purpose would it serve as it would be a surefire way for him to relinquish MY LOVE.
Drinking/drugs are just a weak excuse for one party to "get away" with things... do not tolerate it.
Lifelong abuse by those that were supposed to have loved me most - an ex that is hellbent on destroying me and EXTREMELY poor choices for friends in the past.
BUT -
Been a year now that I have been in counseling and am working really hard to deal with it all. I have a few family members that have had my back from day one, am making some solid friendships with GOOD people and am learning to give and accept love again.
Not easy...
But I just cant go through life alone. I dont want to.
My bf is free to go and do what he wants and with whom he wants. I have committed to him. But I have not asked the same in return. When the time is right, if he proposes I am fairly certain I will accept, but until then I am not about to spend all my free time thinking "Where is he and what is he doing?" He knows how I feel... If I were to find out that he cheats then it would break my heart and HE KNOWS THAT. My friends think I am setting myself up to "get played." My response? How on earth can I get played? If he steps out on me and I find out about it he will have fucked up, but for good and we are done - PERIOD. I will have given all my love and trust fully. How could I have lost if he is the one that screws up? And if he does not, then all the better....
Fidelity comes from within and governs our external actions and not because of limitations set forth from social norms that would govern who we are on the inside.
If he wants to be with another woman then he should be with her. If I were to find out, it would crush me and harm our relationship beyond repair. If he loves me then why would he ever do such a thing? What useful purpose would it serve as it would be a surefire way for him to relinquish MY LOVE.
Drinking/drugs are just a weak excuse for one party to "get away" with things... do not tolerate it.
Jade19
New member
He actually read this thread and it pissed him off. He says get over it.
The story behind all this............
He went out one night to go drinking with his buddies, afterwards he called me and told me he was going to come back home with his friend. No call no show, no answer on the phone. Only to find out he went over to this girls house with 2 of his guy friends and one other girl. The girls house he was at is his ex, who wants him............
His friend called me and told me they were over there..he refused to speak to me. Then later that day he called and claimed he slept at his moms, which was bs cuz i already knew and i called his moms that morning he wasnt there.
So i confronted him and he admitted it, said they just went there cuz she had more beer and nothing happened. I talked to the girl too, she said nothing happened, and her friend called me too- same thing.
I just cant let that go, there is no peace coming to me and its been almost 2 months. (He's promised to stop drinking, only once in awhile) He's gone out once since then and i picked him up after the bar.
SHADY AS HELL
The thought of him sleeping with someone else makes my heart drop. I'm so commited to him, but when i get hurt i hold onto it. Plus i tend to distance myself a little sort of put up a wall.......so i dont get hurt as bad
The story behind all this............
He went out one night to go drinking with his buddies, afterwards he called me and told me he was going to come back home with his friend. No call no show, no answer on the phone. Only to find out he went over to this girls house with 2 of his guy friends and one other girl. The girls house he was at is his ex, who wants him............
His friend called me and told me they were over there..he refused to speak to me. Then later that day he called and claimed he slept at his moms, which was bs cuz i already knew and i called his moms that morning he wasnt there.
So i confronted him and he admitted it, said they just went there cuz she had more beer and nothing happened. I talked to the girl too, she said nothing happened, and her friend called me too- same thing.
I just cant let that go, there is no peace coming to me and its been almost 2 months. (He's promised to stop drinking, only once in awhile) He's gone out once since then and i picked him up after the bar.
SHADY AS HELL
The thought of him sleeping with someone else makes my heart drop. I'm so commited to him, but when i get hurt i hold onto it. Plus i tend to distance myself a little sort of put up a wall.......so i dont get hurt as bad
PaganPunkstress
New member
He refused to speak to you?
Oh girl you cant just sit back and wait for him to actualy do something to hurt you even more.
Looks like hes hurt you pretty good by now,
ive been in these types of relationships and its no good trust me.
The dude dont even seem to care the least bit what you have to say,
its all about him girlie trust me.
You've got to toughen up, find a better man.
they do exist trust me!
*Hugs*
Oh girl you cant just sit back and wait for him to actualy do something to hurt you even more.
Looks like hes hurt you pretty good by now,
ive been in these types of relationships and its no good trust me.
The dude dont even seem to care the least bit what you have to say,
its all about him girlie trust me.
You've got to toughen up, find a better man.
they do exist trust me!
*Hugs*
How long have you guys been together?
Jade19
New member
habitualhealth said:
We've been together since may 2003, but we broke up for a few months, nov/dec 03. Living together for a year now. I talked to him once while he was there and he was so pissy drunk i couldnt understand him, but i knew he was being an asshole. He knows i hate that girl, so he didnt want to talk to me cuz he knew he was showing no respect by being with her even.
\
He hasnt pulled anything like that otherwise ........hes drank once in 2 months now (like i said before) but it pisses me off soo bad, i wanna know the truth but i dont trust him in the situation, partially because he pops pills when he drinks which cause blackouts and he f*cking lied....how do i know when im getting the truth?
flexygrl
New member
Jade19 said:
I wasn't going to respond but I have to. Get out now! This is not a healthy situation. How old are you? How old is he? I know since you both live together that you may feel trapped but you aren't. He is way too imature to have a relationship. He is a liar and let me tell you it will only get worse from here. Trust me I speak from personal experience. I have to tell you and as hard as it will be to hear you need to trust your intuition. That little voice inside of you is telling you something is not right. Listen to her. She will never steer you wrong. Get out now before you get deeper into this. Everybody deserves someone who will respect them and treat them right. Everybody deserves someone who treats themselves good because if they don't how will they treat you good?!? You do too. Respect yourself, kick his ass to the curb, move out and MOVE ON! Good luck to you.
flexygrl
New member
flexygrl said:
Oh...and if he is reading this...YES, I told your girl to leave you. Don't think when she does that it's because of anything I or any of the other girls have said. You single handedly destroyed your relationship. Good job! Now get some help before you screw up someone else's life.
Yeah!! Get 'em gurl! Tell him to go pound sand.flexygrl said:
Jade19
New member
I have to give him some credit, I lost my job due to some drama BS and he has been paying our bills now for 2 months. I just got a job about 2 weeks ago. He's been there throughout my depression struggle and has been there for me throughtout my fathers struggle with cancer. Pulled me out of my apartment where my roomates sold meth, and let me live with him and his mother for about 2 months before we moved into this place. Overall we both know we are good influences on eachother, hes my best friend.
I don't feel trapped here at all, I have a few places I could go live without a problem. The thought hurts, but when it all comes down there is no proof that he cheated, just that he lied. That being the case, I've been caught in some lies too. It's hypocritical of me to break up with him for something I have done myself. It was the first (and only time I will deal with it) that he did some really shady BS. I told him that was it and I meant it, love causes you to try to give the benefit of the doubt. I just seem to think about it all the time. The smallest thing will remind me of it. It's caused me to become jealous easily also, and I thought I was bad before.
I don't feel trapped here at all, I have a few places I could go live without a problem. The thought hurts, but when it all comes down there is no proof that he cheated, just that he lied. That being the case, I've been caught in some lies too. It's hypocritical of me to break up with him for something I have done myself. It was the first (and only time I will deal with it) that he did some really shady BS. I told him that was it and I meant it, love causes you to try to give the benefit of the doubt. I just seem to think about it all the time. The smallest thing will remind me of it. It's caused me to become jealous easily also, and I thought I was bad before.
littlemully
New member
Trust is a fundemental foundation in a relationship. Period. If you can't trust someone you love..... there are going to be major issues, now and later. Even though you guys are best friends maybe it would be wise to spend some time apart and collect your thoughts on your life and whats best for you. Sometimes whats best for us are the things we don't want to do. (If that makes any sense. lol)
Sassy69
New member
The one thing I have to say is that people (women especially) spend lots of time analyzing and then some how justifying an action someone else did and some how the woman ends up carrying part of the blame. If this is someone who you can discuss the issue with, then for God's sake, do it. Get it out in the open and maybe some other issues that might be the root of the larger problem will come out. If not , you face the chance that it can continue and at some point you neeed to make a stand on it or it will eat you up or end up hurting you in more ways than just emotionally.
Its a tough one because these things are often not as catastrophic as they could be, but still, if it's bothering you that much, I'd deal with it.
Its a tough one because these things are often not as catastrophic as they could be, but still, if it's bothering you that much, I'd deal with it.
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