how do you ask your mother...

[Miss24k]

Dakotah,

I can definiately understand where you are in your life. I've been through a similar situation with my mother and step father. And at 1 point in my life I was like you and wanted an answer to why they wanted to hurt me, and put me through those things, I had so many questions and just couldn't understand why a parent could behave that way towards their child.
I also lost my father and godmother (the only 2 adults that I was close to) at a young age.

It got to a point where I was miserable most of the time and I couldn't explain it, I would push people away. So I went to see a counselor to talk out my issues so that I can live a happy life, I was tired of being miserable. And it was great, I got alot of things off my chest, it's amazing once you say or write down your feelings how better you feel.

I realize that none of the things that went on as a child were my fault, and they're things I can't change. She treated me wrong because she was a miserable person, that wasn't happy with her life, and she wanted to make someone else unhappy along with her. Misery loves company.

Hun, just remember that you can't chose your family, they're going to behave the way they want to. But that doesn't mean they have to be apart of your life. Just because a woman gives birth to a child, doesn't make them a mother. A mother is someone who loves and cares for their child.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for, just don't think the answer has anything to do with you, cause I guarantee you it doesn't. It's something to do with her.

*Giving you hugs*

 

[mbrooke5]

anyways it is a whole lot of negative.
Lately i have had her on my mind and im not sure why maybe it is because i have never really had any sort of postitive relationship with her and maybe its not that at all. It is something that plays in my head alot since i found out my dad has been sick and has been really talking to her alot.


my question to all of you is did i do the right thing?
should i have thought about what to write her anyways?
should i have not even written in the first place?
was i too presumptuous thinking that i would recieve an answer back that will be honest - she likes to refrain from answering even easy questions without skimming over the top of things to make them seem better or telling you what you want to hear.
This is very frustrating to me because i always find myself wondering what it would be like to have a mother in my life that even showed me a lil of what only a mother can give you.
Im not sure if all these thoughts are coming to light lately becuase i just had my bday and hers is two weeks or so from mine or if its just because i feel i need some closure in my life in order to ove on and let go of the hurt she has caused over the years.

Can any of you ladies maybe offer me some womanly advice or words of wisdom, to maybe help alleviate whats going on in my head?

Well...just don't be surprised if she gives you an answer that you really don't want to hear...or no answer at all. She seems like a very selfish woman, so I wouldn't expect too much. Sometimes we are better off not knowing everything because that allows us to go on with our lives without thinking that we have done something wrong. I was very fortunate to have a very supportive mother and I can not imagine how you feel...however, I do know that when you are surrounded by negative people you tend to act negative as well...maybe her not being around was better for you and the rest of your family. I wouldn't spend too much energy making things better if she does not want to because you'll be the one getting hurt in the end. And finally, have you talked to a therapist or a counselor? Not saying that you need to but it is a wonderful relief to talk to a third party about personal problems. At times when I feel streesed or like I can't take life's little obstacles I call a doctor that I can rely on to get it all out...but it doesn't work for everyone! Good Luck Girl!

 

[Sassy69]

wow. I am regularly reminded how lucky I have been to have my regular, boring, white-bread, Midwest parents. But, nice as that may be, the best any of us can do is respect ourselves and not breed bad or destructive feelings to that point that it starts counting against you. To that end, I think your letter was a good thing. I don't know what sort of response, if any, you will get from it, but you have definitely made your mom aware of how you feel. Hopefully it is making her think about who she is and what she's doing w/ her life and its impact on the people around her. If not, I think we will all tell you that you are strong, good person and you have put out so much effort to try to deal w/ this situation - certainly as much as any good person would try to do. The ball's in her court. You are clear of obligations. Do you feel better for creating the letter? I guess there's a point where you have to determine your obligation to yourself and to other people and feel good about the things you have control over. The rest, well, wish her well and move on.

<group hug with smilies>

 

[Werd]

I started to respond to this post then lost the connection blah, blah, blah more drama in my life, blah, blah, blah....

I feel your pain Dakotah from both ends; both as the daughter of a selfish, spiteful woman and the mother of an angry little girl that is one foot on the path of self-destruction.

What I can say is this: YOU TRIED. Your mother has herself to wake with and to sleep with and SHE MISSED OUT. I know it hurts, but you can't go through life w/regret. You know you made every effort and in the end SHE BLEW IT.

Remember, children owe their parents nothing because they do not ask to be brought here. But as a parent; we owe our children everything. It is so sad when parents have that backwards...

I wish I had something more helpful to offer you.

Though both my parents are living I have ZERO relationship with them. I forgave them for the mistakes they made as parents to us growing up but I will NOT forget all the horrible acts they have perpetrated since I have been grown, especially since I split from my ex. Last year when I made some mistakes and fell on a terrible situation: THE WORST IN MY LIFE - my mother said to my sister (who broke down and asked my mother for help for me because she wasnt in a position to give it), "Let that whore who abanoned her children starve." and my father compassionate individual that he is actually dropped a dime to call me long distance and express his regret that I was "having such a hard time."

But that was ok - it made me stronger. Within six weeks in a country where I had NO ONE, was totally screwed by "my friends", couldn't speak the language with very little money, where I was illegal, jobless and homeless and ill I had procured a nice place to live, a job and an exposition of my work in a very small place in the back yard of the Louvre.... because I knew that I couldn't let down the people who truly loved and backed me all along.

My heart goes out to you. Dont let her keep hurting you darlin'.

 

[wend]

Dakotah, it sounds to me like your mother has a personality disorder. There's a very good chance she will never get her shit together. She is one of many.

You're very young, but you are an adult now. You've expressed yourself, which is well within your rights and should prove to be a catharsis to enable you to move on.

Do not be foolish enough to hold on to hope. It will muddle your thoughts and ruin your life. If your mother by some quirk in the universe actually pulls her head out of her ass, then you can be pleasantly surprised. But if you entertain the hope that it will happen, you'll just suffer a million disappointments. Don't waste your life like that.

I don't pop my head in here often, but I know enough about life and family and human nature that I thought I should chime in.

To all you ladies who've suffered less-than-complete parenting or who have lost a beloved parent (or both), my heart goes out to you. But the longer you live as an adult yourselves, the easier it gets, I do know.

Blessings,

 

[jenscats5]

Dakotah, it sounds to me like your mother has a personality disorder. There's a very good chance she will never get her shit together. She is one of many.

You're very young, but you are an adult now. You've expressed yourself, which is well within your rights and should prove to be a catharsis to enable you to move on.

Do not be foolish enough to hold on to hope. It will muddle your thoughts and ruin your life. If your mother by some quirk in the universe actually pulls her head out of her ass, then you can be pleasantly surprised. But if you entertain the hope that it will happen, you'll just suffer a million disappointments. Don't waste your life like that.

I don't pop my head in here often, but I know enough about life and family and human nature that I thought I should chime in.

To all you ladies who've suffered less-than-complete parenting or who have lost a beloved parent (or both), my heart goes out to you. But the longer you live as an adult yourselves, the easier it gets, I do know.

Blessings,

Wise, wise words.........

 

[wutangsfiancee]

Dakotah

I had similar experiences with my sperm donor, and later with my mother. What you did writing that letter was great IMO, just please dont get your hopes up on a response, if she does and you get some of your answers then great, if not you should move on and know that you took that step, you asked the questions, you are the adult. All the ladies had exellent advice for you so I wont repeat it now. Huggs to you Dakotah, see if you can find a friend, counseler, someone to talk outloud to about this, it might help you. Or you could write more things down to get them out of your system, have a journel, or something like that. Goodluck, keep your chin up...

 

[Dakotah]

So far I have heard from my dad the other day and he said that my mom did recieve the letter and that she knew that she had a time limit; she did tell my dad that she was going to write back.

It's true i did give her a time limit to write me back by and i was sort of aggressive in the letter. All i can say is that it sure feels a hell of alot better after doing it.
I am a writer at heart and it is my passion to write- hell maybe even one day i will make a living at it. Every word I wrote just seemed to slide off my pen and onto the paper and the next thing I knew I was so furious that I hardly noticed I had sent it.

I do realize that I cannot waste all my time making my world revolve about my mother with this which is why i am not posting in my own thread a whole lot. I sure appreciate all the feedback I have reiceved and want to thank everyone as well.

I will let you all know what happens.
Hugs to all of you; Thanks so much.

 

[Werd]

Dakotah, it sounds to me like your mother has a personality disorder. There's a very good chance she will never get her shit together. She is one of many.

You're very young, but you are an adult now. You've expressed yourself, which is well within your rights and should prove to be a catharsis to enable you to move on.

Do not be foolish enough to hold on to hope. It will muddle your thoughts and ruin your life. If your mother by some quirk in the universe actually pulls her head out of her ass, then you can be pleasantly surprised. But if you entertain the hope that it will happen, you'll just suffer a million disappointments. Don't waste your life like that.

I don't pop my head in here often, but I know enough about life and family and human nature that I thought I should chime in.

To all you ladies who've suffered less-than-complete parenting or who have lost a beloved parent (or both), my heart goes out to you. But the longer you live as an adult yourselves, the easier it gets, I do know.

Blessings,

WERD

Thank you...

I wish my 12 y/o daughter would realize the same about her father before she throws her entire life away...

Hugs to you, Dakotah

 

[Dakotah]

Well it has been a significant amount of time since she recieved the letter and still no reply back-- so in return i have not really waited just keeping everyone up to date since i said i would. I am upset a little but i know that is just from the fact that i knew this would happen.
She apparently is now being avoided by my father as well.
I went and saw my dad last night and i have to say it felt so good seeing him. He really is the best part of my life and for that im thankful.

I figure as long as i have him i will be okay; Im not going to sit and wait for something that will never happen.
Thanks to all the ladies who replied to my thread i totally appreciate everything.

Dakotah