How breaking up messes with your Mind. Transactive Memory.

[-Ariel-]

Apparently studies have shown that when ever you form a relationship, after a brief period of self disclosure between you and your partner, ie learning and understanding each partner's habits, worldviews, understandings... this is referred commonly as intimacy, however, a joint memory system is formed in which each partner is internally changed by forming new understandings of what they specialize in and what their partner rocks out at. As a result the a transactive memory system is established in which each partner relies on the other for their expertise or domain of knowledge. For example, I have no clue about interpersonal therapy, which is fine with me cause I have no desire to be a therapist, I am horrible at calculating percentages, I know nothing about computers, I have no idea or clue about home decor, my fashion tastes are pretty basic, I am horrible with directions and get lost often, so as a result, I have come to rely on the S O, where she is so much more knowledgeable with these entities... she is an external source of memory for me in these fields. One becomes much more knowledgeable in more domains due to being in a relationship. When the relationship ends, it hurts so much because one loses a part of their identity, in which they were understood as well as cognitive disfunction my occur due to this huge amount of memory capacity loss, due to their external memory database lost. Reconfiguration or learning how to do things that were not foreign to them before because of their S O are now thrust upon them in their depressed state and they have to learn all over again how to do certain things or process certain types of information. When forming new relationships, in their intimacy, old comparisons to the previous established pattern of memory system of their old relationship will, inevitably come to mind. The lack of specialization in certain domains of knowledge of the new partner will be compared and understood in contrast with the old partner. However, if they can move past this stage, a new transactive memory system and access to more more domains of knowledge will be established.
Successful groups operate using this system and it is now being employed at the corporate level.

 

[riverrock]

That was a good read. A former school colleague of mine formed a Band in his spare time. They played at week-ends and he was an excellent lead singer. They were getting excellent reviews and were frequently asked to play support at some big venues. Anyhow, in an interview with a local newspaper they asked him how it felt for an unsigned Band to get such recognition. His response was "The whole world expects you to be something you're not. Your wife expects you to be her dream man, your parents expect to make up for their short-comings, your Boss wants you to be a world class employee, your kids expect you to be wonder-Dad, and your friends expect you to be the life of the party. More often than not, you're none of those things but you try to force yourself to be because you believe thats what the other person wants and you stress so much about being found out as no better or worse than anyone else". His point was that he was just a singer in an unsigned Band doing his best to put on the show people wanted. Someday, he'll stop playing music and with it he'll lose part of his identity and go back to the person he always was.

 

[-Ariel-]

That was a good read. A former school colleague of mine formed a Band in his spare time. They played at week-ends and he was an excellent lead singer. They were getting excellent reviews and were frequently asked to play support at some big venues. Anyhow, in an interview with a local newspaper they asked him how it felt for an unsigned Band to get such recognition. His response was "The whole world expects you to be something you're not. Your wife expects you to be her dream man, your parents expect to make up for their short-comings, your Boss wants you to be a world class employee, your kids expect you to be wonder-Dad, and your friends expect you to be the life of the party. More often than not, you're none of those things but you try to force yourself to be because you believe thats what the other person wants and you stress so much about being found out as no better or worse than anyone else". His point was that he was just a singer in an unsigned Band doing his best to put on the show people wanted. Someday, he'll stop playing music and with it he'll lose part of his identity and go back to the person he always was.

Great post, and I agree... that people take for granted the expectations that happen when one gets involved in anytype or relationship.... I only have a gf and am a grad student, and work part time, so I'm not committed to too much, thus I only have to wear a couple of hats... however, yeah the expectations can be overwhelming... its not easy.
The thought that you trigger with your musician comment, is that an underlying connected implication is that forming loose, uncommitted relationships is really empowering, if you can handle it the level of expectation, cause it allows you access to domains of knowledge that were not available to you on your own. For example a band can can only play intricate music by being together, and to ask a guitarist to about how to establish a kick ass beat, would not really work cause that is the drummer's knowledge. Just like people who can play several intruments is amazing... people who know lots of different types of people or acquaintences is equally kewl, because now they have access to lots of different worlds. I don't have access to a lot of worlds, but I wish I did.

 

[immebz]

would this whole post be under psychology? or what because im really interested in reading these things....i love finding out the answers to life and im only 18 but i find it humorous to see so many people put up a front, and think things are so weird, when in reality things arent that weird, and you should be yourself. Reading these things makes my day sometimes i swear

 

[hardrock]

I don't know about all that. I'm sure it is true in many relatioships, but not in my last one. At least not that i can think of. I miss her, not her knowledge or areas of expertise.

 

[scooter22]

Apparently studies have shown that when ever you form a relationship, after a brief period of self disclosure between you and your partner, ie learning and understanding each partner's habits, worldviews, understandings... this is referred commonly as intimacy, however, a joint memory system is formed in which each partner is internally changed by forming new understandings of what they specialize in and what their partner rocks out at. As a result the a transactive memory system is established in which each partner relies on the other for their expertise or domain of knowledge. For example, I have no clue about interpersonal therapy, which is fine with me cause I have no desire to be a therapist, I am horrible at calculating percentages, I know nothing about computers, I have no idea or clue about home decor, my fashion tastes are pretty basic, I am horrible with directions and get lost often, so as a result, I have come to rely on the S O, where she is so much more knowledgeable with these entities... she is an external source of memory for me in these fields. One becomes much more knowledgeable in more domains due to being in a relationship. When the relationship ends, it hurts so much because one loses a part of their identity, in which they were understood as well as cognitive disfunction my occur due to this huge amount of memory capacity loss, due to their external memory database lost. Reconfiguration or learning how to do things that were not foreign to them before because of their S O are now thrust upon them in their depressed state and they have to learn all over again how to do certain things or process certain types of information. When forming new relationships, in their intimacy, old comparisons to the previous established pattern of memory system of their old relationship will, inevitably come to mind. The lack of specialization in certain domains of knowledge of the new partner will be compared and understood in contrast with the old partner. However, if they can move past this stage, a new transactive memory system and access to more more domains of knowledge will be established.
Successful groups operate using this system and it is now being employed at the corporate level.

Yeah, I don't do a lot of things well either, but I wouldn't get married just to have someone fill in the gaps.... After a breakup, that's not the things I miss... I can take care of myself.

 

[scooter22]

You're truly free when you quit giving a shit... This usually comes with age.

 

[-Ariel-]

Yeah, I don't do a lot of things well either, but I wouldn't get married just to have someone fill in the gaps.... After a breakup, that's not the things I miss... I can take care of myself.

No, I wouldn't either, just one of the hidden perks that goes along with being a couple.

 

[scooter22]

Here's a difference between now and 20 years ago: My friend might come over and I won't say a word for an hour if I have nothing to say.... Back then, I felt I had to be entertaining so I said a lot of stupid shit along with doing some dumb things as well.... Live and learn.

 

[scooter22]

I hate the group mentality... How often have you seen guys act like idiots and do things they wouldn't normally do just because they are in a group and trying to fit in or impress, entertain thier peers? Happens everywhere.

 

[-Ariel-]

Here's a difference between now and 20 years ago: My friend might come over and I won't say a word for an hour if I have nothing to say.... Back then, I felt I had to be entertaining so I said a lot of stupid shit along with doing some dumb things as well.... Live and learn.

Must be a close friend, but if he or she is coming over then yeah I agree, sometimes I don't say a word for a long time, however, if I don't know them then, of course they wouldn't be in my home, however I will say something, to acknowledge that we are sharing the same space. I've gotten to the point where I don't have to be chatty, but the very least I will do to an unknown sharing the same will give a nod or, if it is a chick, a smile... that acknowledges their presence.

 

[EnderJE]

You're truly free when you quit giving a shit... This usually comes with age.

I like the way that Bruce Lee said it instead.

Fucking Google, I can't find the quote now.

 

[javaguru]

What does it mean when your SO says they feel stupid around you? Mind you, she wasn't , she went to vet school and has an MS in nursing.

 

[superqt4u2nv]

What does it mean when your SO says they feel stupid around you? Mind you, she wasn't , she went to vet school and has an MS in nursing.

It means your nerdy ways are even to much for the smart chicks.

 

[javaguru]

It means your nerdy ways are even to much for the smart chicks.

If I wanted your opinion I would take my cawk out of your mouth!

 

[superqt4u2nv]

If I wanted your opinion I would take my cawk out of your mouth!

Behave yourself or I will force you to watch eposodes of the newlyweds again.

 

[javaguru]

Behave yourself or I will force you to watch eposodes of the newlyweds again.

All three seasons?

 

[superqt4u2nv]

All three seasons?

Dam straight follwed by every season of sex and the city.

 

[chris302001]

Dam straight follwed by every season of sex and the city.

Now that's just evil!

 

[calveless wonder]

that was a really good post bro. very insightful...

didn't know that

 

[javaguru]

Dam straight follwed by every season of sex and the city.

That would be a war crime...

 

[immebz]

Seriously all my friends act like they need to talk, and then most of the time the convo goes nowhere and no one has anything to say, jus kinda like "yeahhh....." haha its fuckin annoying

 

[javaguru]

Seriously all my friends act like they need to talk, and then most of the time the convo goes nowhere and no one has anything to say, jus kinda like "yeahhh....." haha its fuckin annoying

Ariel is the most sensitive dude on EF...hands down...so sensitive I thought he was a wiminz initially. He's a good guy but just needs to get burned a few more times.

 

[immebz]

Ariel is the most sensitive dude on EF...hands down...so sensitive I thought he was a wiminz initially. He's a good guy but just needs to get burned a few more times.

i guess im sensitive too i mean wtf kind of 18 tear old guy macs on a girl like tryin to get a long term relationship rather than jus go for the kill...i wish icould be a jerk sometimes

 

[calveless wonder]

i guess im sensitive too i mean wtf kind of 18 tear old guy macs on a girl like tryin to get a long term relationship rather than jus go for the kill...i wish icould be a jerk sometimes

you're like the younger version of me bro.

dont be ashamed, accept it as that. dont be something you're not. but make sure your views on relationships are healthy and not some fairy tale bullshit. and also realize that to find that one badass girl you gotta meet and approach alotttttttttt of other girls. some of them will be fun and dateable for a bit, so fuck them and just accept that. treat it as something casual.the really good ones you can date for a bit if you want

but...you're 18. if you dont be a male whore in your life you're gonna really regret it, even for a brief period of time. my biggest whoring phase was from 17-19 (even though i still thought like you) and honestly i needed it. it was what everyone "expected" me to do but it was an important experience to have that much variety

 

[immebz]

you're like the younger version of me bro.

dont be ashamed, accept it as that. dont be something you're not. but make sure your views on relationships are healthy and not some fairy tale bullshit. and also realize that to find that one badass girl you gotta meet and approach alotttttttttt of other girls. some of them will be fun and dateable for a bit, so fuck them and just accept that. treat it as something casual.the really good ones you can date for a bit if you want

but...you're 18. if you dont be a male whore in your life you're gonna really regret it, even for a brief period of time. my biggest whoring phase was from 17-19 (even though i still thought like you) and honestly i needed it. it was what everyone "expected" me to do but it was an important experience to have that much variety

Yea thx bro, i know i need it too., Heres y ex, id say shes A 9, 9.5. The girl that wanted to hook up tonight was like a 6 in my book so i jus smoked ciggarettes instead,

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a316/hehateme00000/a2.jpg

 

[calveless wonder]

Yea thx bro, i know i need it too., Heres y ex, id say shes A 9, 9.5. The girl that wanted to hook up tonight was like a 6 in my book so i jus smoked ciggarettes instead,

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a316/hehateme00000/a2.jpg

dude you can do alot better. in my book she's like an 8 maybe(she looked better in her other pics). cute girl but nothing that'd be on a runway..which is a good thing because you know you can do better

 

[immebz]

alter! haha nah i jus want to get big bro thats why i keep comin on this site, but honestly she gained like 10 lbs from birth control and cheated on me like 15 times, basically im over her but i still dont wanna hook up with girls that are uglier, but at the sanme time thats what i gotta do. Im pretty mature for my age, i mean i laugh when things are funny, but i also can listen and understand people. I dont feel the need to talk when its silent, cuz im comfortable. YEA things are weird, but the people/friends that mention when things are weird, are the ones that are actin weird, Were all weird, one way or anotherm unique if u like, but damn i feel like no one at my age understands this. I wan a fun but serious bitch, but then again i know that that is what i want in a WIFE, not a hookup. I need to realize that a hookup is strictly a hookup, ive jus never hooked up with a girl and not talked to her after, or blown her off. Any advice for that? Jus start learnin to be a dick to girls i honestly wouldnt care if i saw again? haha

 

[calveless wonder]

honestly she gained like 10 lbs from birth control and cheated on me like 15 times, basically im over her but i still dont wanna hook up with girls that are uglier, but at the sanme time thats what i gotta do. Im pretty mature for my age, i mean i laugh when things are funny, but i also can listen and understand people. I dont feel the need to talk when its silent, cuz im comfortable. YEA things are weird, but the people/friends that mention when things are weird, are the ones that are actin weird, Were all weird, one way or anotherm unique if u like, but damn i feel like no one at my age understands this. I wan a fun but serious bitch, but then again i know that that is what i want in a WIFE, not a hookup. I need to realize that a hookup is strictly a hookup, ive jus never hooked up with a girl and not talked to her after, or blown her off. Any advice for that? Jus start learnin to be a dick to girls i honestly wouldnt care if i saw again? haha

who says you have to blow off a girl after you hook up with her?
just because you have a fun time/good conversation and sex with a girl doesnt mean she has expectations of being your girl. girls can blow you off just as easily after getting with you, so its just part of the game. difference is, dont treat these girls the same way you would a girlfriend. have fun with them, be fun to be around...maybe take them out somewhere but nothing over the top or dont get into all the bullshit you would with somebody you're in love with

im older than you, but im mad honest with all the bitches i date. i dont come out and say "oh, im dating 5 other bitches besides you" but if i see they're trying to swing it into a relationship or bring it up i tell them my stance on things and that im not exclusive to anyone at the moment. alot of chicks are actually cool with that and the few that want to be in relationships even think they can "change you" and want your dick more.

not every girl you fuck is gonna look as good as your ex. it sucks to say that and it wasnt easy to accept for me, but there will be girls that do...and id imagine the girl you pick to be your long term girlfriend will be on the same level or better.

 

[immebz]

who says you have to blow off a girl after you hook up with her?
just because you have a fun time/good conversation and sex with a girl doesnt mean she has expectations of being your girl. girls can blow you off just as easily after getting with you, so its just part of the game. difference is, dont treat these girls the same way you would a girlfriend. have fun with them, be fun to be around...maybe take them out somewhere but nothing over the top or dont get into all the bullshit you would with somebody you're in love with

im older than you, but im mad honest with all the bitches i date. i dont come out and say "oh, im dating 5 other bitches besides you" but if i see they're trying to swing it into a relationship or bring it up i tell them my stance on things and that im not exclusive to anyone at the moment. alot of chicks are actually cool with that and the few that want to be in relationships even think they can "change you" and want your dick more.

not every girl you fuck is gonna look as good as your ex. it sucks to say that and it wasnt easy to accept for me, but there will be girls that do...and id imagine the girl you pick to be your long term girlfriend will be on the same level or better.

You know what i think thats what i do too much, in my mind i dont wanna be more, but then the girl breaks up woith her bf for me and io feel like i need to be nice and act like im interested in more than hooking up. Ill start being straight up with thm tho, thanks for that. I know my wife is gonna be bangin haha, but yea i guess once i start hookin up and talkin more and becomin friends with more girls it will all be easier. i think the problem was that my ex never let me even be friends with a girl, probably cuz of her insecurity.

 

[-Ariel-]

What does it mean when your SO says they feel stupid around you? Mind you, she wasn't , she went to vet school and has an MS in nursing.

Again, I'm no relationship expert... half the time I can't even understand myself, but that said... she probably is communicating that she feels stupid around you... lol. BTW, one very smart chic.

 

[javaguru]

Again, I'm no relationship expert... half the time I can't even understand myself, but that said... she probably is communicating that she feels stupid around you... lol. BTW, one very smart chic.

Good call captain obvious!