How breaking up messes with your Mind. Transactive Memory.

[-Ariel-]

Apparently studies have shown that when ever you form a relationship, after a brief period of self disclosure between you and your partner, ie learning and understanding each partner's habits, worldviews, understandings... this is referred commonly as intimacy, however, a joint memory system is formed in which each partner is internally changed by forming new understandings of what they specialize in and what their partner rocks out at. As a result the a transactive memory system is established in which each partner relies on the other for their expertise or domain of knowledge. For example, I have no clue about interpersonal therapy, which is fine with me cause I have no desire to be a therapist, I am horrible at calculating percentages, I know nothing about computers, I have no idea or clue about home decor, my fashion tastes are pretty basic, I am horrible with directions and get lost often, so as a result, I have come to rely on the S O, where she is so much more knowledgeable with these entities... she is an external source of memory for me in these fields. One becomes much more knowledgeable in more domains due to being in a relationship. When the relationship ends, it hurts so much because one loses a part of their identity, in which they were understood as well as cognitive disfunction my occur due to this huge amount of memory capacity loss, due to their external memory database lost. Reconfiguration or learning how to do things that were not foreign to them before because of their S O are now thrust upon them in their depressed state and they have to learn all over again how to do certain things or process certain types of information. When forming new relationships, in their intimacy, old comparisons to the previous established pattern of memory system of their old relationship will, inevitably come to mind. The lack of specialization in certain domains of knowledge of the new partner will be compared and understood in contrast with the old partner. However, if they can move past this stage, a new transactive memory system and access to more more domains of knowledge will be established.
Successful groups operate using this system and it is now being employed at the corporate level.

 

[riverrock]

That was a good read. A former school colleague of mine formed a Band in his spare time. They played at week-ends and he was an excellent lead singer. They were getting excellent reviews and were frequently asked to play support at some big venues. Anyhow, in an interview with a local newspaper they asked him how it felt for an unsigned Band to get such recognition. His response was "The whole world expects you to be something you're not. Your wife expects you to be her dream man, your parents expect to make up for their short-comings, your Boss wants you to be a world class employee, your kids expect you to be wonder-Dad, and your friends expect you to be the life of the party. More often than not, you're none of those things but you try to force yourself to be because you believe thats what the other person wants and you stress so much about being found out as no better or worse than anyone else". His point was that he was just a singer in an unsigned Band doing his best to put on the show people wanted. Someday, he'll stop playing music and with it he'll lose part of his identity and go back to the person he always was.

 

[-Ariel-]

That was a good read. A former school colleague of mine formed a Band in his spare time. They played at week-ends and he was an excellent lead singer. They were getting excellent reviews and were frequently asked to play support at some big venues. Anyhow, in an interview with a local newspaper they asked him how it felt for an unsigned Band to get such recognition. His response was "The whole world expects you to be something you're not. Your wife expects you to be her dream man, your parents expect to make up for their short-comings, your Boss wants you to be a world class employee, your kids expect you to be wonder-Dad, and your friends expect you to be the life of the party. More often than not, you're none of those things but you try to force yourself to be because you believe thats what the other person wants and you stress so much about being found out as no better or worse than anyone else". His point was that he was just a singer in an unsigned Band doing his best to put on the show people wanted. Someday, he'll stop playing music and with it he'll lose part of his identity and go back to the person he always was.

Great post, and I agree... that people take for granted the expectations that happen when one gets involved in anytype or relationship.... I only have a gf and am a grad student, and work part time, so I'm not committed to too much, thus I only have to wear a couple of hats... however, yeah the expectations can be overwhelming... its not easy.
The thought that you trigger with your musician comment, is that an underlying connected implication is that forming loose, uncommitted relationships is really empowering, if you can handle it the level of expectation, cause it allows you access to domains of knowledge that were not available to you on your own. For example a band can can only play intricate music by being together, and to ask a guitarist to about how to establish a kick ass beat, would not really work cause that is the drummer's knowledge. Just like people who can play several intruments is amazing... people who know lots of different types of people or acquaintences is equally kewl, because now they have access to lots of different worlds. I don't have access to a lot of worlds, but I wish I did.

 

[immebz]

would this whole post be under psychology? or what because im really interested in reading these things....i love finding out the answers to life and im only 18 but i find it humorous to see so many people put up a front, and think things are so weird, when in reality things arent that weird, and you should be yourself. Reading these things makes my day sometimes i swear

 

[hardrock]

I don't know about all that. I'm sure it is true in many relatioships, but not in my last one. At least not that i can think of. I miss her, not her knowledge or areas of expertise.

 

[scooter22]

Apparently studies have shown that when ever you form a relationship, after a brief period of self disclosure between you and your partner, ie learning and understanding each partner's habits, worldviews, understandings... this is referred commonly as intimacy, however, a joint memory system is formed in which each partner is internally changed by forming new understandings of what they specialize in and what their partner rocks out at. As a result the a transactive memory system is established in which each partner relies on the other for their expertise or domain of knowledge. For example, I have no clue about interpersonal therapy, which is fine with me cause I have no desire to be a therapist, I am horrible at calculating percentages, I know nothing about computers, I have no idea or clue about home decor, my fashion tastes are pretty basic, I am horrible with directions and get lost often, so as a result, I have come to rely on the S O, where she is so much more knowledgeable with these entities... she is an external source of memory for me in these fields. One becomes much more knowledgeable in more domains due to being in a relationship. When the relationship ends, it hurts so much because one loses a part of their identity, in which they were understood as well as cognitive disfunction my occur due to this huge amount of memory capacity loss, due to their external memory database lost. Reconfiguration or learning how to do things that were not foreign to them before because of their S O are now thrust upon them in their depressed state and they have to learn all over again how to do certain things or process certain types of information. When forming new relationships, in their intimacy, old comparisons to the previous established pattern of memory system of their old relationship will, inevitably come to mind. The lack of specialization in certain domains of knowledge of the new partner will be compared and understood in contrast with the old partner. However, if they can move past this stage, a new transactive memory system and access to more more domains of knowledge will be established.
Successful groups operate using this system and it is now being employed at the corporate level.

Yeah, I don't do a lot of things well either, but I wouldn't get married just to have someone fill in the gaps.... After a breakup, that's not the things I miss... I can take care of myself.

 

[scooter22]

You're truly free when you quit giving a shit... This usually comes with age.

 

[-Ariel-]

Yeah, I don't do a lot of things well either, but I wouldn't get married just to have someone fill in the gaps.... After a breakup, that's not the things I miss... I can take care of myself.

No, I wouldn't either, just one of the hidden perks that goes along with being a couple.

 

[scooter22]

Here's a difference between now and 20 years ago: My friend might come over and I won't say a word for an hour if I have nothing to say.... Back then, I felt I had to be entertaining so I said a lot of stupid shit along with doing some dumb things as well.... Live and learn.

 

[scooter22]

I hate the group mentality... How often have you seen guys act like idiots and do things they wouldn't normally do just because they are in a group and trying to fit in or impress, entertain thier peers? Happens everywhere.