Having to Live with Yourself.....

[H_T_]

GG needs a hug.

 

[Pamela]

a lot of you know i work with mentally ill people. i have a resource/support center i run. i had a staff member from one of the group homes introduce a new patient from their home, and when i look up, i see this kid that i used to bully from high school. bully is being used lightly. i pretty much abused this guy, took his lunches, embarrassed him at every turn, hit, trip, call names, etc. i remember challenging him to do 20 push ups at a party and he struggled the whole way and on his 20 rep, on the way up, i stepped on his back and spilled a beer on him.
so yeah, i was a bastard....and now seeing him made me feel like shit. knowing that he lost it and that i was part of it. you can say whatever you want, about how kids forget things, well, bullshit. if i can remember doing this stuff to him... kids that were bullied have memories of being bullied.
it was hard to approach him, i was fucking nervous. but he came into my office and introduced himself and then apologized for not doing it sooner. i told him that i knew who he was and that we went to HS together. he said he couldn't remember, then i started asking him about certain people and events and parties and stuff. he started to remember a lot of stuff. but then he looks at me and says: "I'm sorry i don't remember you HT." i felt like throwing up. still do. he tells me "I can't remember things because of (insert large #) ECT's." karma is a bitch.

You should feel like shit!

 

[HiDnGoD]

A lot of times the bullied become bulliers.
I was bullied a lot. Then I stopped & became a bully myself for a year. I rememebr every slight that was done to me with malice. & I hate every one of those peopel to this day, if I deign to dredge up an emotion about them. And I feel guilty for the people I did bully, even if it wasn't to the extent that HT did.
What made me be a victim remains a part of my personality & as an adult & father, I think it's good. But Lord, it was tough growing up. What I went through also formed who I have become.
I am more empathetic to the weak & downtrodden. Some people just ain't that strong, but they may change. And I have no patience for adults who bully, either overt, or with malicious humour. Youth may be excused a little for their stupidity, but adults shouldn't be.

 

[Smurfy]

a lot of you know i work with mentally ill people. i have a resource/support center i run. i had a staff member from one of the group homes introduce a new patient from their home, and when i look up, i see this kid that i used to bully from high school. bully is being used lightly. i pretty much abused this guy, took his lunches, embarrassed him at every turn, hit, trip, call names, etc. i remember challenging him to do 20 push ups at a party and he struggled the whole way and on his 20 rep, on the way up, i stepped on his back and spilled a beer on him.
so yeah, i was a bastard....and now seeing him made me feel like shit. knowing that he lost it and that i was part of it. you can say whatever you want, about how kids forget things, well, bullshit. if i can remember doing this stuff to him... kids that were bullied have memories of being bullied.
it was hard to approach him, i was fucking nervous. but he came into my office and introduced himself and then apologized for not doing it sooner. i told him that i knew who he was and that we went to HS together. he said he couldn't remember, then i started asking him about certain people and events and parties and stuff. he started to remember a lot of stuff. but then he looks at me and says: "I'm sorry i don't remember you HT." i felt like throwing up. still do. he tells me "I can't remember things because of (insert large #) ECT's." karma is a bitch.

that's a strange coincidence. so did you actually apologize to the guy?

 

[H_T_]

that's a strange coincidence. so did you actually apologize to the guy?

yes i did. but it was akward because he was completely fucked up. seemed like he was half aware. i guess, from what he was telling me, that after HS, he joined the Navy, where, he said, the dehumanizing continued. it was worse on board his ship. then came the break downs. all i know is that from the time i met him, 7th grade, through HS, that guy never got treated well. like fucking Carrie.....

 

[Smurfy]

yes i did. but it was akward because he was completely fucked up. seemed like he was half aware. i guess, from what he was telling me, that after HS, he joined the Navy, where, he said, the dehumanizing continued. it was worse on board his ship. then came the break downs. all i know is that from the time i met him, 7th grade, through HS, that guy never got treated well. like fucking Carrie.....

A guy i went to grade school with and who lived in my neighborhood used to take a lot of teasing. i dont know if he was ever physically bullied at that age but we all teased him incessantly. i moved in 7th grade and i found out years later that he ended up shooting himself in the head in high school.

 

[H_T_]

A guy i went to grade school with and who lived in my neighborhood used to take a lot of teasing. i dont know if he was ever physically bullied at that age but we all teased him incessantly. i moved in 7th grade and i found out years later that he ended up shooting himself in the head in high school.

yeah, we had a guy hang himself after taking too much teasing for too long. and, at the funeral, there were all these bitches crying. ones that were not the least bit friendly to him. one of the guys who fucked with him didn't show up at the funeral, but was outside the parlor, and was calling people fucking hypocrites as they left. i don't think that stuff happens anymore. now i think the kid just takes dad's gun collection to school one day...

 

[Spartacus]

Your problem is that you want me and I shot you down.... even as an alter.

So who is laughing now?

sorry bitch
I didn't return your PM
I can publish it

 

[Spartacus]

I'm in south central jersey myself.. How did you end up moving to Alabama? People die more frequently there? (Bad bad joke LOL).

I really would like to find a guy that fits that description who isn't a controlling asshole. There are some days when I honestly feel like giving up on a lot of things, but of course, because of my girls (I have four) giving up simply isn't an option.

Hope you have a safe trip, Sugarplumb.

Emilia

 

[H_T_]

I'm in south central jersey myself.. How did you end up moving to Alabama? People die more frequently there? (Bad bad joke LOL).

I really would like to find a guy that fits that description who isn't a controlling asshole. There are some days when I honestly feel like giving up on a lot of things, but of course, because of my girls (I have four) giving up simply isn't an option.

Hope you have a safe trip, Sugarplumb.

Emilia

she sounds spectacular. i could see lots of drama and face slapping, though. women won't square off with you, they'll just let it fly. wow(without warning)

 

[Spartacus]

she sounds spectacular. i could see lots of drama and face slapping, though. women won't square off with you, they'll just let it fly. wow(without warning)

I hear "I can't figure you out"
often

 

[Spartacus]

silly girls
telling on themselves

 

[H_T_]

I hear "I can't figure you out"
often

women love puzzles. and home repair. analogies....hmmm. let me break it so i can put it back together....

 

[Spartacus]

no woman want to be "interested"

 

[H_T_]

You should feel like shit!

i do. do you like me any less now??

 

[jackangel]

yeah, posting that up means a lot. of nothing.

i did something not entirely dissimilar recently. i was classless for that, just as you are for this. let it go 4evernugga, you're one of the best around here. the BM bashing devalues your stock...it's so 2001-2005.

 

[H_T_]

yeah, posting that up means a lot. of nothing.

i did something not entirely dissimilar recently. i was classless for that, just as you are for this. let it go 4evernugga, you're one of the best around here. the BM bashing devalues your stock...it's so 2001-2005.

goddam undercover Mods.

 

[Spartacus]

yeah, posting that up means a lot. of nothing.

i did something not entirely dissimilar recently. i was classless for that, just as you are for this. let it go 4evernugga, you're one of the best around here. the BM bashing devalues your stock...it's so 2001-2005.

you're right
I "struggeld: with my decision

 

[H_T_]

BM will be my wife by early next spring.

 

[Spartacus]

you want to get a "real" discussion
going?

 

[Spartacus]

give me 5 minutes

 

[H_T_]

i've said that before. struggling, trying to stretch a balloon over my penis.

 

[Spartacus]

bumping the face savinf gace

 

[Spartacus]

and fuck each and any one of you

 

[H_T_]

i wish i could buy the dude a drink. maybe a whore.

 

[HiDnGoD]

Why all the shit flinging?
We always hear how people are getting bullied & how it affected their lives (see my post above). But nobody ever hears from the Bullier's P.O.V. unless it's testosterone laden bravadocio.
He we got a chance to see what the bully feels, years later. HT surely doesn't deserve props for what he did years ago, but I give him Props for opening up here, when he knew the P.C. brigade would be all over him.
Here's a protein shake to you H.T.

 

[H_T_]

i'm a classic fuck up. just trying to keep history from repeating.

 

[jackangel]

you want to get a "real" discussion
going?

i do. let's talk about what it takes to push a guy off a subway platform and into the path of an oncoming train.

do you do it late at night when the station is empty, so you can live to kill another day? or in the middle of the day, so you have an audience and can go out in a blaze of glory?

do you psyche yourself up with drugs or booze? what drugs are best? dust? coke? speed? acid?

do you go to confession afterwards?

are you listening to your iPod as you give the shove? if so, what music? pantera? the beatles? house music? or just some portishead?

do you take a running start?

do you watch for the impact, or just run the hell out of there?

and most importantly...are you dressed WELL? italian leather wingtips? or captoes? business suit? tux? jeans and a sport jacket? herringbone? pinstripes? solids? colours...fall or spring?

 

[solidspine]

Oh, being a yankee moving to the south can be dangerous. ;-)


__________________

You got that right,

moved from Minneapolis, to Greensboro, NC?

 

[Gymgurl]

i do. let's talk about what it takes to push a guy off a subway platform and into the path of an oncoming train.

do you do it late at night when the station is empty, so you can live to kill another day? or in the middle of the day, so you have an audience and can go out in a blaze of glory?

do you psyche yourself up with drugs or booze? what drugs are best? dust? coke? speed? acid?

do you go to confession afterwards?

are you listening to your iPod as you give the shove? if so, what music? pantera? the beatles? house music? or just some portishead?

do you take a running start?

do you watch for the impact, or just run the hell out of there?

and most importantly...are you dressed WELL? italian leather wingtips? or captoes? business suit? tux? jeans and a sport jacket? herringbone? pinstripes? solids? colours...fall or spring?

Just make sure you go to confession after....

 

[H_T_]

Just make sure you go to confession after....

this thread is about me. not some fucking immigrant who works in a toll booth.

 

[Gymgurl]

Ht darlin.....you need to go to confession too......

 

[KillahBee]

i'm very glad that portishead was mentioned here.

 

[H_T_]

i'm very glad that portishead was mentioned here.

wtf. 2 good songs. other than that, it's Mazzy Star all over again. and you guys only throw those bands names around to get chicks attention. everyone knows you're listening to Master of Puppets right now....

 

[H_T_]

Ht darlin.....you need to go to confession too......

i don't believe in confessing. you want me to confess to something? try torture.

 

[jenscats5]

a lot of you know i work with mentally ill people. i have a resource/support center i run. i had a staff member from one of the group homes introduce a new patient from their home, and when i look up, i see this kid that i used to bully from high school. bully is being used lightly. i pretty much abused this guy, took his lunches, embarrassed him at every turn, hit, trip, call names, etc. i remember challenging him to do 20 push ups at a party and he struggled the whole way and on his 20 rep, on the way up, i stepped on his back and spilled a beer on him.
so yeah, i was a bastard....and now seeing him made me feel like shit. knowing that he lost it and that i was part of it. you can say whatever you want, about how kids forget things, well, bullshit. if i can remember doing this stuff to him... kids that were bullied have memories of being bullied.
it was hard to approach him, i was fucking nervous. but he came into my office and introduced himself and then apologized for not doing it sooner. i told him that i knew who he was and that we went to HS together. he said he couldn't remember, then i started asking him about certain people and events and parties and stuff. he started to remember a lot of stuff. but then he looks at me and says: "I'm sorry i don't remember you HT." i felt like throwing up. still do. he tells me "I can't remember things because of (insert large #) ECT's." karma is a bitch.

So you felt like shit remembering the things you did to him? Good!! You should feel like shit......

 

[H_T_]

So you felt like shit remembering the things you did to him? Good!! You should feel like shit......

lotsa fuckers throwin' stones up in here. i see how a lot of you treat people online, i doubt its any different IRL. least i have the fucking balls to admit. honesty is my only excuse......and yeah, i'm better than most of you.

 

[jenscats5]

lotsa fuckers throwin' stones up in here. i see how a lot of you treat people online, i doubt its any different IRL. least i have the fucking balls to admit. honesty is my only excuse......and yeah, i'm better than most of you.

I'm not throwing stones.......as someone who was physically & mentally assaulted everday in school, I was just thinking how'd I'd like the peeps who bullied ME to feel......so, IMO - you should feel like crap for how you treated him......

 

[KillahBee]

lots of self righteous peeps in this thread who are most likely very very very scared of real life.

 

[H_T_]

I'm not throwing stones.......as someone who was physically & mentally assaulted everday in school, I was just thinking how'd I'd like the peeps who bullied ME to feel......so, IMO - you should feel like crap for how you treated him......

shush, i love you, i mean some of these others sweat stains.

 

[jenscats5]

shush, i love you, i mean some of these others sweat stains.

I can't be shushed...... LOL

 

[H_T_]

lots of self righteous peeps in this thread who are most likely very very very scared of real life.

i was ascared of leave the house last night, cuz of friday the 13th.

 

[Bikini Mod]

I'm in south central jersey myself.. How did you end up moving to Alabama? People die more frequently there? (Bad bad joke LOL).

I really would like to find a guy that fits that description who isn't a controlling asshole. There are some days when I honestly feel like giving up on a lot of things, but of course, because of my girls (I have four) giving up simply isn't an option.

Hope you have a safe trip, Sugarplumb.

Emilia

And this proves what exactly?

I did not solicit you asswipe. I was merely being nice. I have many many many interactions with men on EF. I only ever loved ONE. And he was the only man who EVER EVER EVER touched me.

So your point would be?

 

[H_T_]

And this proves what exactly?

I did not solicit you asswipe. I was merely being nice. I have many many many interactions with men on EF. I only ever loved ONE. And he was the only man who EVER EVER EVER touched me.

So your point would be?

i'll give you 4 dollars to let me touch you.

 

[Bikini Mod]

Here is an email I just got from my near 13 y/o:

From : <@yahoo.com>
Sent : Saturday, October 14, 2006 5:57 PM
To : Mami Mami <[email protected]>
Subject : the other night

| | | Inbox




okay mami, so like i was crying so much and screaming and yelling at daddy, that he tried calling people, and i said that i really wanted to see you. and he kep telling me that i wasnt allowed to because of a court order and that "your mother" can get into trouble if i try seeing you.
and i said that like no she cant, i want to see her! i want to live with her! i hate you daddy! stuff like that, and hes like thats it kristina, your mother made you crazy, im calling the hospital because you are out of controll. so i tried disconecting the phone lines and was trying to run away but daddy wouldnt let me leave. and then i was just crying and threatning him and stuff like that. and then i threatend to call the police if he wouldnt let me see you, and he said well thats not going to change anything because police cant go against the law. and i said, well daddy i hate you so much and i hate living with you because you make me misseralble. and he said, well that isnt going to change anything, and that i wouldnt live with you, that i would just wind up in a hospital and that i wouldnt be able to see for a while because the court will see how you made me crazy. and im like,
DAD MOM DID NOT MAKE ME SAY ANY OF THIS, SHE DIDN'T MAKE ME DEPRESSED OR UPSET OR DO ANYTHING! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU MAKE ME LIKE THIS. and i was just crying in my room, and then he left me in there and i really felt like hurting myself because i feel like i cant possibly do anything, because it was a weekend. i should try come seeing you on a school day because then i can already be at your house mami and no one will be able to move me. but i wasnt able to get there because i was at daddies house. but it will be different next time mami trust me. and i didnt hurt myself because i love you and i knew that i would just wind up hurting you, nina, uncle brad, and my cousins. i love you all! soo much, and thats what happend mami!

********

This is what I have had to endure for near 6 years.

Now can you see why your comments hurt me so much?

 

[H_T_]

Here is an email I just got from my near 13 y/o:

From : <@yahoo.com>
Sent : Saturday, October 14, 2006 5:57 PM
To : Mami Mami <[email protected]>
Subject : the other night

| | | Inbox




okay mami, so like i was crying so much and screaming and yelling at daddy, that he tried calling people, and i said that i really wanted to see you. and he kep telling me that i wasnt allowed to because of a court order and that "your mother" can get into trouble if i try seeing you.
and i said that like no she cant, i want to see her! i want to live with her! i hate you daddy! stuff like that, and hes like thats it kristina, your mother made you crazy, im calling the hospital because you are out of controll. so i tried disconecting the phone lines and was trying to run away but daddy wouldnt let me leave. and then i was just crying and threatning him and stuff like that. and then i threatend to call the police if he wouldnt let me see you, and he said well thats not going to change anything because police cant go against the law. and i said, well daddy i hate you so much and i hate living with you because you make me misseralble. and he said, well that isnt going to change anything, and that i wouldnt live with you, that i would just wind up in a hospital and that i wouldnt be able to see for a while because the court will see how you made me crazy. and im like,
DAD MOM DID NOT MAKE ME SAY ANY OF THIS, SHE DIDN'T MAKE ME DEPRESSED OR UPSET OR DO ANYTHING! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU MAKE ME LIKE THIS. and i was just crying in my room, and then he left me in there and i really felt like hurting myself because i feel like i cant possibly do anything, because it was a weekend. i should try come seeing you on a school day because then i can already be at your house mami and no one will be able to move me. but i wasnt able to get there because i was at daddies house. but it will be different next time mami trust me. and i didnt hurt myself because i love you and i knew that i would just wind up hurting you, nina, uncle brad, and my cousins. i love you all! soo much, and thats what happend mami!

********

This is what I have had to endure for near 6 years.

Now can you see why your comments hurt me so much?

i told you i was sorry. i don't know what else i can do...

 

[Bikini Mod]

i told you i was sorry. i don't know what else i can do...

If your apology is truly sincere then I accept it.

This thread has been hurting me since I read it first. I dont like venom or negativity. I have enough of it IRL. I dont seek it out here.

We are cool. I wont bring it up again.

 

[H_T_]

I can't be shushed...... LOL

how `bout smothered with a pillow?

 

[jenscats5]

how `bout smothered with a pillow?

With this annoying cough/cold I have - you need to take a number & wait in line......

 

[H_T_]

With this annoying cough/cold I have - you need to take a number & wait in line......

i have a homeopathic remedy for that.

 

[H_T_]

If your apology is truly sincere then I accept it.

This thread has been hurting me since I read it first. I dont like venom or negativity. I have enough of it IRL. I dont seek it out here.

We are cool. I wont bring it up again.

when i saw this guy, it was a shock. a lot of people are never confronted with the actions of thier past. and yes, i feel remorse. and responsible. i helped continue his being a victim. and seeing him being led around by an uneducated county employee like a mother and her ducklings, well, it made me realize how far i need to go if i ever want to be at peace with myself. and luckily, i can speak about this here, because elsewhere, it's against the law for me to do so.

 

[Bikini Mod]

when i saw this guy, it was a shock. a lot of people are never confronted with the actions of thier past. and yes, i feel remorse. and responsible. i helped continue his being a victim. and seeing him being led around by an uneducated county employee like a mother and her ducklings, well, it made me realize how far i need to go if i ever want to be at peace with myself. and luckily, i can speak about this here, because elsewhere, it's against the law for me to do so.

I suppose now you realize why I have spoken about so much here. I really had no place else to do it.

Now imagine all that being twisted thrown at back you with venom?

Yea, it's "only the internet"..... or is it?

I am not saying this to direct it at you. I am only trying to help you gain insight as to just how badly it got for me. On top of all the unbelievable pain that my family and I have been forced to endure with NO ONE to help us I had to be bombarded by constant barrages of hate. You can't begin to imagine how much it hurt for me to have so much hostility directed at me by so many strangers, hostility that was totally unwarranted and unjustified, but it was hostility that I had to deal with nonetheless. There were so many times when I felt like I was being bombarded from every possible arena: my kids' school, my neighbors, people who I THOUGHT were my friends, the courts and all over the freaking web.

It was a nightmare.... It has only been very recently that the hostility has subsided.

 

[H_T_]

I suppose now you realize why I have spoken about so much here. I really had no place else to do it.

Now imagine all that being twisted thrown at back you with venom?

Yea, it's "only the internet"..... or is it?

I am not saying this to direct it at you. I am only trying to help you gain insight as to just how badly it got for me. On top of all the unbelievable pain that my family and I have been forced to endure with NO ONE to help us I had to be bombarded by constant barrages of hate. You can't begin to imagine how much it hurt for me to have so much hostility directed at me by so many strangers, hostility that was totally unwarranted and unjustified, but it was hostility that I had to deal with nonetheless. There were so many times when I felt like I was being bombarded from every possible arena: my kids' school, my neighbors, people who I THOUGHT were my friends, the courts and all over the freaking web.

It was a nightmare.... It has only been very recently that the hostility has subsided.

complete strangers are often kinder.

 

[biteme]

a lot of you know i work with mentally ill people. i have a resource/support center i run. i had a staff member from one of the group homes introduce a new patient from their home, and when i look up, i see this kid that i used to bully from high school. bully is being used lightly. i pretty much abused this guy, took his lunches, embarrassed him at every turn, hit, trip, call names, etc. i remember challenging him to do 20 push ups at a party and he struggled the whole way and on his 20 rep, on the way up, i stepped on his back and spilled a beer on him.
so yeah, i was a bastard....and now seeing him made me feel like shit. knowing that he lost it and that i was part of it. you can say whatever you want, about how kids forget things, well, bullshit. if i can remember doing this stuff to him... kids that were bullied have memories of being bullied.
it was hard to approach him, i was fucking nervous. but he came into my office and introduced himself and then apologized for not doing it sooner. i told him that i knew who he was and that we went to HS together. he said he couldn't remember, then i started asking him about certain people and events and parties and stuff. he started to remember a lot of stuff. but then he looks at me and says: "I'm sorry i don't remember you HT." i felt like throwing up. still do. he tells me "I can't remember things because of (insert large #) ECT's." karma is a bitch.

You are truly repentant and that makes all the difference in the world, I believe. Soon, we will all die. I pray for god to have mercy on us all because we need it so badly. The longer I live the more I see that everyone is flawed and weak.

 

[HiDnGoD]

IMO you can never, ever trust anyone 100%. You can give yourself over to people, your heart & your health, & have faith that they won't hurt you, but you can 't be 100% sure. That is why I believe that the only person I can trust is me. That way, when ever anyone else comes through for me, it's a bonus.
BTW, time can change anything. So while my love & I trust each other to the nth degree, there was a time we didn't, & there may be a time again when we don't. Makes life interesting. Not always fun, but interesting.