Getting divorced when you have kids?

[BrothaBill]

What happened to the days of people staying together b/c of the kids?
Divorce pretty much fucks kids up, why make kids if you are going to fuck them up later.
The whole "me first" generation pretty much ruined America's children

 

[EnderJE]

Would it be better to be a child with one parent who shows affection or a child with two parents in a loveless marriage?

 

[BrothaBill]

Would it be better to be a child with one parent who shows affection or a child with two parents in a loveless marriage?

Isnt having a loveless marriage just a union of two selfish people?

 

[theoak01]

i think its more damaging for the kids to grow up in a constant state of conflict as opposed to a single parent household full of love.

many psycholoists agree

 

[BrothaBill]

i think its more damaging for the kids to grow up in a constant state of conflict as opposed to a single parent household full of love.

many psycholoists agree

Yeah, well were not talking about growing up in Baghdad are we? Talking about being adults and caring for the kids. I mean if people are genetically incapable of controlling their emotions then you may have an argument but most people can get along if they do it for the sake of the kids.
Ive met lots of people who stayed together for the kids til they were in college and then split. They seemed perfectly fine and friendly then divorced

 

[MILF69]

 

[nycgirl]

I don't believe in divorce. I guess I don't understand it. I also don't believe in marrying someone just because. Hence, why I'm still single. My parents have been together a long time. My grandparents (both sets) parted at death. The ups & downs, I've witnessed have shaped my views on relationships.

I agree with you BB.

 

[biteme]

All I have to say is Karma's a bitch. 7 years and my ex is just beginning to reap the consequences of her actions.

 

[awittyusername]

When I am running the world...things will be different.

No one can get married until they are thirty. They are required to gain relationship experience by having atleast 10 partners. (not marry the person who happened to have their locker next to them in school, and bury your head in the sand)

And, everyone will be required to be on birth control as soon as they hit puberty. To have a kid you must be with your partner 3 yrs., take parenting classes, make a certain amount of $ (above poverty), pass all drug tests....Then, you can have a kid.

You need a licence to go fishing...But, you can knock up some crack whore thay we all have to pay for?????

 

[H_T_]

who cares. it's a dog eat dog world, and i'm wearin' milkbone underwear.

 

[wootoom]

what if being together causes more problems for the kids though

 

[Gambino]

All I have to say is Karma's a bitch. 7 years and my ex is just beginning to reap the consequences of her actions.

to the batcave robin

 

[velvett]

What happened to the days of people staying together b/c of the kids?
Divorce pretty much fucks kids up, why make kids if you are going to fuck them up later.
The whole "me first" generation pretty much ruined America's children

Eh, staying together for the kid is bad too because kids aren't dumb they know that "mommy and daddy" secretly wish the other would never come home again.

I've been telling my parent to get divorced for 18 years - they stay together because of money and at this point in their late 60's and early 70's no one else would want them and they wouldn't know how how to get through a day without someone to bitch about.

 

[Frisky]

11 years of marriage and sadly to say it ended. Every day was a living hell for them and for us.

I fucked up, he fucked up, there is NO excuse for making such poor decisions in our lives but right now the only foucus is putting that in the past and loving our kids, making ever day memorable.

We do things together as a family still, Christmas, easter, church.. FOR THEM. It took some time to get to this pt but now I can say my X and I are closer friends than we were when we were married.

It hurt my kids more when they saw us argue, they were miserable.

I never in my life expected to be divorced, I didn't plan this. When I said I DO, i meant it forever.. sadly somethings just don't work out as we plan.

Im judged everyday for decisions i've made in lue of this divorce, and rightly so... My kids deserve more than a damn broken up household.

Right now my priority is THEM.. and making the best possible relationship with their father possible so that we can coexist and enjoy THEM together. Finally after two years we are able to say we can.

 

[wootoom]

Eh, staying together for the kid is bad too because kids aren't dumb they know that "mommy and daddy" secretly wish the other would never come home again.

I've been telling my parent to get divorced for 18 years - they stay together because of money and at this point in their late 60's and early 70's no one else would want them and they wouldn't know how how to get through a day without someone to bitch about.

thats what i say

 

[H_T_]

nothing like dating a girl who also has divorced parents. i love making 4 fucking stops per holiday.

 

[BrothaBill]

I don't believe in divorce. I guess I don't understand it. I also don't believe in marrying someone just because. Hence, why I'm still single. My parents have been together a long time. My grandparents (both sets) parted at death. The ups & downs, I've witnessed have shaped my views on relationships.

I agree with you BB.

Researchers would agree. While staying together for the kids is an idea that went out of favour in the 1960s, when divorce laws were liberalized, recent U.S. and Canadian studies indicate the notion wasn’t so misguided after all.

“In cases where parents constantly fight, children probably would be better off in a divorce situation,” says Anne-Marie Ambert, a sociology professor at Toronto’s York University. “But these constitute no more than one third of divorces. For kids, what counts is not that their parents are having a steamy romance but that they’re both at home, with the stability that that brings.”


The first problem for broken families is poverty. Statistics from a 1993 study by Ross Finnie, an economist at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ont., indicate that a year after divorce, Canadian women’s household income plummets by about 50 percent, and men’s by about 25 percent. “That means the children often have to move, perhaps to a worse neighbourhood, change schools and sometimes give up friends,” Ambert says. As well, “parents are caught up in trying to ensure their financial, as well as their emotional survival, giving them less time to focus on the kids.”

That’s just the beginning. Research in both the United States and Canada indicates that children of divorce have higher rates of emotional, behavioural, social and academic problems than children from two-parent families. Statistically, they’re more apt to suffer from depression and anxiety, exhibit behaviour like hyperactivity and fighting, leave home young and get poor grades, eventually dropping out. “In one study done in Montreal, we found that over 65 percent of young offenders’ parents were separated or divorced,” says Ambert.

Michele Weiner-Davis, a Chicago-area therapist and author of The Divorce Remedy, agrees that children are the real victims of divorce. “They have no say in a decision that profoundly affects them for the rest of their lives. When the family disintegrates, a child’s sense of comfort and security is shaken.” Weiner-Davis urges parents whose main complaint is “we just don’t get along” to expend some effort before dismissing their wedding vows. “Just because a marriage is unhappy now, that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way,” she says.

 

[wootoom]

Researchers would agree. While staying together for the kids is an idea that went out of favour in the 1960s, when divorce laws were liberalized, recent U.S. and Canadian studies indicate the notion wasn’t so misguided after all.

“In cases where parents constantly fight, children probably would be better off in a divorce situation,” says Anne-Marie Ambert, a sociology professor at Toronto’s York University. “But these constitute no more than one third of divorces. For kids, what counts is not that their parents are having a steamy romance but that they’re both at home, with the stability that that brings.”


The first problem for broken families is poverty. Statistics from a 1993 study by Ross Finnie, an economist at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ont., indicate that a year after divorce, Canadian women’s household income plummets by about 50 percent, and men’s by about 25 percent. “That means the children often have to move, perhaps to a worse neighbourhood, change schools and sometimes give up friends,” Ambert says. As well, “parents are caught up in trying to ensure their financial, as well as their emotional survival, giving them less time to focus on the kids.”

That’s just the beginning. Research in both the United States and Canada indicates that children of divorce have higher rates of emotional, behavioural, social and academic problems than children from two-parent families. Statistically, they’re more apt to suffer from depression and anxiety, exhibit behaviour like hyperactivity and fighting, leave home young and get poor grades, eventually dropping out. “In one study done in Montreal, we found that over 65 percent of young offenders’ parents were separated or divorced,” says Ambert.

Michele Weiner-Davis, a Chicago-area therapist and author of The Divorce Remedy, agrees that children are the real victims of divorce. “They have no say in a decision that profoundly affects them for the rest of their lives. When the family disintegrates, a child’s sense of comfort and security is shaken.” Weiner-Davis urges parents whose main complaint is “we just don’t get along” to expend some effort before dismissing their wedding vows. “Just because a marriage is unhappy now, that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way,” she says.

chill out man ur going crazy here

 

[Frisky]

judge and be judged

 

[BrothaBill]

chill out man ur going crazy here

lol, its an excerpt from Reader's digest on what the experts are saying about divorce

 

[wootoom]

lol, its an excerpt from Reader's digest on what the experts are saying about divorce

man ur out of control

 

[H_T_]

are these "experts" on divorce married?

 

[wootoom]

are these "experts" on divorce married?

good question

 

[biteme]

lol, its an excerpt from Reader's digest on what the experts are saying about divorce

I love you bro and I do think people should make an effort to stay together for the children's sake, but reader's digest in an extremely biased right wing magazine.

 

[theoak01]

Yeah, well were not talking about growing up in Baghdad are we? Talking about being adults and caring for the kids. I mean if people are genetically incapable of controlling their emotions then you may have an argument but most people can get along if they do it for the sake of the kids.
Ive met lots of people who stayed together for the kids til they were in college and then split. They seemed perfectly fine and friendly then divorced

most people cant control their emotions thats the problem,if they can make it look like the cleavers all the time fine whatever do what you gotta do,but coming from someone who grew up in a house where the parents constantly argued,thats all i fucking remember about my childhood,that shit was miserable,and i think its definately affected me to some degree.

its not a healthy environment to live in

 

[BrothaBill]

are these "experts" on divorce married?

well thats not really the way sociological and psychological research works. Its more analyzing the patterns and trends that emerge such as kids being fucked up by divorce much more likely than those who parents decided against divorce in things like emotional problems, criminality, anxiety etc...
THe evidence is pretty clear that children are the real victims of divorce

 

[Frisky]

lol, its an excerpt from Reader's digest on what the experts are saying about divorce

and for the most part some of it is true,

I am a product of divorced parents,,,,,,,,, and i've put my kids thru the same thing... is it because its happened and i survived therefore i think nothing of it? Im not sure actually. I wish i could have all the answers but sadly I don't.

My marriage was not healty for any of us, my kids knew when i was sad knew when he was sad, sensed the tension and knew the second we argued. They even know now when we have a disagreement.

Sure they want mom and dad back together, but also know that we have both moved on and work on coexisting as friends everyday.

Divorce is a very ugly thing, something I am not proud of at all. I love my kids and had i the chance to turn back the hands i'd never take anything away... the memories, the time, etc.. I wish things wouldn't have ended the way they did, but we both were blessed with two beautiful kids that we thank God for every waking morning.

 

[Gambino]

sorry bb but I'm trying to keep this thread tight with my parody thread, so I'm giving it a meaningless bump

 

[BrothaBill]

I love you bro and I do think people should make an effort to stay together for the children's sake, but reader's digest in an extremely biased right wing magazine.

lol, I dont know what's right wing or left wing anymore. Its just a different perspective on divorce. Divorcing for the kids really cant be put forth if you look at trends, if they cant control themselves as to having a divorce will make kids better then they shouldnt have access to the kids later

 

[Quadsweeps Sister]

I had parents who divorced when I was in 6th grade.

I remember going home some days and a plate would fly, or one time a huge marble ash tray flew and hit the wall...too friggin scary. I really spent those years prior to divorce at my friends more than at home. I have no memories on my family from those times, just that I wanted those days to end.

It was a good thing my parents split. Of course it was sad and hard, but it was better in the end. They are now friendly toward one another.

It's true the kids do know what is going on. Things don't have to be flying through the air for kids to know its a tense and unhappy atmosphere.

Sometimes its better this way...

 

[vinylgroover]

people have become far more selfish that's for sure. i find it particulary disturbing when parents having relationship difficulties use their kids to gain leverage against the other party........which it seems almost all divorced couples do. i find it sad that our world has come to this.

family and values of 'family' have gone to shit in modern society

 

[BrothaBill]

I had parents who divorced when I was in 6th grade.

I remember going home some days and a plate would fly, or one time a huge marble ash tray flew and hit the wall...too friggin scary. I really spent those years prior to divorce at my friends more than at home. I have no memories on my family from those times, just that I wanted those days to end.

It was a good thing my parents split. Of course it was sad and hard, but it was better in the end. They are now friendly toward one another.

It's true the kids do know what is going on. Things don't have to be flying through the air for kids to know its a tense and unhappy atmosphere.

Sometimes its better this way...

Well I dont mean homes where the parents cant control their emotions and are violent. They should divorce and not have access to their kids. Sux that people like that have kids in the first place

 

[rudeboyja]

divorce aien't shit. Try being a foster child

 

[H_T_]

anyone doing anything about it?

 

[Quadsweeps Sister]

Well I dont mean homes where the parents cant control their emotions and are violent. They should divorce and not have access to their kids. Sux that people like that have kids in the first place

Don't jump to any conclusions about violence in my post please. My parents are two amazing people whom I love so much...They are calm and decent, it was just the intensity of the situation whilst together that created this level of anger.

 

[BrothaBill]

anyone doing anything about it?

Yeah, pre-marriage classes. In Australia they are proposing six week marriage classes to help prevent divorce and prepare a couple for how best to succeed in marriage.
The same proposals are geing done in certain areas of the US and certain churches. It does show that people who go through those classes and counseling prior to marriage have a lower rate of divorce.

Clearly, with just putting that minimal effort in that people can help reduce their chance of divorce. I doubt a lot of people get married in the hopes that they get divorced so divorce is a bad thing and that sentiment is born out sociologically

 

[vinylgroover]

anyone doing anything about it?

what can you do........society has changed as has the traditional roles of the man and woman.........to the detriment of the 'family' unit i believe.

i also believe that in western society we place too much emphasis on the notion of 'romantic' love instead of building love through friendship and respect.

 

[big4life]

I found out over the holidays that my nephew is getting divorced. He is 27 with 3 kids. His wife and him have "agreed" to let his parents raise the children.

I just have a bad feeling that this is going to get real ugly. They are still too young to be making these choices, and I'm not sure how much thought has gone into this. No matter what happens, you will have 2 people in their mid 20's with 3 children counting on them for support, both emotionally and financially. It makes me worry about both their futures.

 

[vinylgroover]

Yeah, pre-marriage classes. In Australia they are proposing six week marriage classes to help prevent divorce and prepare a couple for how best to succeed in marriage.
The same proposals are geing done in certain areas of the US and certain churches. It does show that people who go through those classes and counseling prior to marriage have a lower rate of divorce.

Clearly, with just putting that minimal effort in that people can help reduce their chance of divorce. I doubt a lot of people get married in the hopes that they get divorced so divorce is a bad thing and that sentiment is born sociologically

botha bill, we are no better here than the U.S.......the divorce rate here is 50% now as well and getting worse by the day.

we live in a disposable society now........everything we do has a short or medium term horizon because we are never satisfied.........we never want to feel like we have settled. it manifests in the way we work, the things we buy and the way in which we treat our relationships.

 

[H_T_]

Yeah, pre-marriage classes. In Australia they are proposing six week marriage classes to help prevent divorce and prepare a couple for how best to succeed in marriage.
The same proposals are geing done in certain areas of the US and certain churches. It does show that people who go through those classes and counseling prior to marriage have a lower rate of divorce.

Clearly, with just putting that minimal effort in that people can help reduce their chance of divorce. I doubt a lot of people get married in the hopes that they get divorced so divorce is a bad thing and that sentiment is born out sociologically

thanks for answering the questions i asked. i'd like to go Rwandan on everyone else that did nothing but post opinions.

 

[nycgirl]

what can you do........society has changed as has the traditional roles of the man and woman.........to the detriment of the 'family' unit i believe.

i also believe that in western society we place too much emphasis on the notion of 'romantic' love instead of building love through friendship and respect.

STRONGLY AGREED.

I blame the feminist movement regarding the roles of women.

BB, no, people don't get married hoping for divorce. That said, they also don't realize the work that needs to be put into it. "Irreconcilable Differences" (or whatever it is in your state) is PURE B.S.

 

[Frisky]

Yeah, pre-marriage classes. In Australia they are proposing six week marriage classes to help prevent divorce and prepare a couple for how best to succeed in marriage.
The same proposals are geing done in certain areas of the US and certain churches. It does show that people who go through those classes and counseling prior to marriage have a lower rate of divorce.

Clearly, with just putting that minimal effort in that people can help reduce their chance of divorce. I doubt a lot of people get married in the hopes that they get divorced so divorce is a bad thing and that sentiment is born out sociologically

I know of a couple who went thru a covent marriage... months of council and it still ended.

Sometimes things just don't go as planned. Sucks

 

[BrothaBill]

BB, no, people don't get married hoping for divorce. That said, they also don't realize the work that needs to be put into it. "Irreconcilable Differences" (or whatever it is in your state) is PURE B.S.

but what about the children?

 

[nycgirl]

but what about the children?

I wonder, in some cases, if they are even thought of when decisions like this are made.

 

[velvett]

Yeah, pre-marriage classes. In Australia they are proposing six week marriage classes to help prevent divorce and prepare a couple for how best to succeed in marriage.
The same proposals are geing done in certain areas of the US and certain churches. It does show that people who go through those classes and counseling prior to marriage have a lower rate of divorce.

Clearly, with just putting that minimal effort in that people can help reduce their chance of divorce. I doubt a lot of people get married in the hopes that they get divorced so divorce is a bad thing and that sentiment is born out sociologically

Eh? This is nothing new - at least not in a Church, maybe at town hall.

Besides, if two people are hell bent on getting married they are going to tell their counselor what ever he or she needs to hear to let them get married.

Everyone I know that got married in a church were required to do anywhere from 6 weeks at the least to at the most I've heard 6 month of counseling with their Priest, Minister, etc before the church would allow them to marry.

My Godson's mother is my only friend left that hasn't gotten divorced for the first or second time and when their relationship hit the last big rock they decided to get pregnant again - the old fashioned Christian way of saving a marriage. (*sarcasm*)

If you want to talk new trends - it's getting pregnant first and I mean planning to get pregnant while unmarried - then deciding whether or not they are compatible to get married.

People just don't respect the concept of marriage anymore, you don't have to believe in that piece of paper, hell you don't even have to get hitched but it's nice to think you can respect your mate and your choices enough to consider your relationship and possible offspring something better than disposable.

 

[BrothaBill]

Eh? This is nothing new - at least not in a Church, maybe at town hall.

Besides, if two people are hell bent on getting married they are going to tell their counselor what ever he or she needs to hear to let them get married.

Everyone I know that got married in a church were required to do anywhere from 6 weeks at the least to at the most I've heard 6 month of counseling with their Priest, Minister, etc before the church would allow them to marry.

My Godson's mother is my only friend left that hasn't gotten divorced for the first or second time and when their relationship hit the last big rock they decided to get pregnant again - the old fashioned Christian way of saving a marriage. (*sarcasm*)

If you want to talk new trends - it's getting pregnant first and I mean planning to get pregnant while unmarried - then deciding whether or not they are compatible to get married.

People just don't respect the concept of marriage anymore, you don't have to believe in that piece of paper, hell you don't even have to get hitched but it's nice to think you can respect your mate and your choices enough to consider your relationship and possible offspring something better than disposable.

in the context of what people are doing about it from HT, John Howard in Australia just came up with those proposals to reduce the number of divorces as vinylgroover said so that is just one example and is in the news and my personal discussions.

I think going to a counselor and telling them "what they want to hear" sorta defeats the purpose of putting forth the effort of starting the institution of marriage off on a solid foundation by investing the time into the counseling.

Marriage is just a well accepted social commitment, divorce is bad for families and society. Some people dont mind being part of the problem I spose but whatever is trendy

 

[velvett]

I think going to a counselor and telling them "what they want to hear" sorta defeats the purpose of putting forth the effort of starting the institution of marriage off on a solid foundation by investing the time into the counseling.

Rushing into marriage with someone you don't really know or getting married because "all your friends are doing it" defeats the purpose equally.

It really boils down to respect.

 

[biteme]

Rushing into marriage with someone you don't really know or getting married because "all your friends are doing it" defeats the purpose equally.

It really boils down to respect.

I love Velvett. She's a really cool girl. I want to go skating with her so I can fall down and see if she can pick me up.

 

[BrothaBill]

Rushing into marriage with someone you don't really know or getting married because "all your friends are doing it" defeats the purpose equally.

It really boils down to respect.

Sing it sista!

 

[morph60]

do you have kids?
are you married?
I dont know you so I will not send judgement your way.Even though You judge folks that have gone threw the most painful shit that can happen to a person and kid.you gotta be fucked to think more then half dont want / try to work shit out.Sometimes it dont happen what my mom/dad should go threw life not feelin loved or cared for? cuz they had me WOW that wont fuck me up.mabey i liked when my dad would come home from work and go hide in the basement to stay away from my mom.that probly wont fuck me up either.and is that what fucked me up.
ALL I WANTED WAS A PEPSI AND SHE WOULD'NT GIVE IT TO ME