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kind of interesting.
Q: Hi. My name's Troy and I'm 17 years old. I've been lifting weights this
past year in order to get bigger and stronger for next football season. I have
have been eating my body weight in grams of protein which is 175, but I feel
tired a lot of the time. I really would like to know how I should be eating in
order to gain a lot of size. Thanks.
Troy Wandel, Eastwick, MI
MDM: In order to maximize anabolism you must maximize your anabolic storage,
which means you should be eating a LOT. You should eat at least 19 times your
own body weight in protein per day, which, in you case, would be around 7 cows
total. I could go into the whole carb/protein ratio mumbo jumbo, but I'll just
give you a beginner's diet to try. This is the typical "get big" diet for
novice beginners. This isn't as much as intermediate or advanced, but here you
go:
Meal 1: (Wake up) Slice of cantelope, 21 egg whites, 4 cups oatmeal, 8 0z. whole
milk, a steak, 6 cups brown rice, 4 cups grits, 12 oz. lean beef, 3 8 oz.
chicken breasts, protein shake w/ whole milk, 11 amino acid tablets, 5 gm
creatine, another protein shake, 12 inch tuna sub from Subway, salad, 8 oz.
orange juice, another steak
Meal 2: (5 minutes later) Baked potato, multivitamin, steak, 4 8 oz. chicken
breasts, a cake, a gallon of whole milk
Meal 3: (Eat this quickly in the five minutes between meals 1 and 2, in that
this meal is extremely small, not even big enough for a newborn infant): Slice
of tomato, a killer whale sprinkled with wheat germ, protein shake with heavy
whipping cream, a human, a baked potato, 8 0z skim milk, precisely 6.665543201
oz of stagnated germinized wild oat milk with rapennada peas and wilk bulb,
protein shake
(Meals 4-7 should be drank within 30 seconds of each other or else catabolism
will kick in)
Meal 4: protein shake
Meal 5: protein shake
meal 6
rotein shake
Meal 7: protein shake
Meal 8: (pre-workout) homogenized amino pill, 3 oz. salmon, 15 gm creatine,
mount rushmore, 7 cups oatmeal, more oatmeal
Meal 9: (During Workout) (You should make sure your gym has a plug outlet
because you will need a grill and an oven moved into the gym for each workout.
Hire movers to assist you each day) Thanksgiving dinner, chicken breast,
protein shake, 7 cups oatmeal, creatine, glucosamine, glutamine, arginine tabs
Meal 10: (Postworkout) 5 gm creatine, protein shake in whole milk, honey,
banana, go to Giant eagle and rip open all the oatmeal in the isle and eat as
much as you can until you get kicked out or arrested. Aim for at least 6
containers
MEALS 1-10 should have been eaten within about 2 hours. Repeat these meals 4
times each day or until you need to receive medical attention due to severe
stomach and intestinal dysfunction. This is normal. You should have to die
from this. Hope this helps.
Q: I first want to say I love your magazine and all the deaths youve caused due
to your advice. Congrats. Anyway, I currently am a construction worker and am
also into weightlifting in my spare time. I would like to lift more often, but
work gets in the way and I am too tired a lot of the time. I am afraid of
overtraining. What should I do?
Randall Conroy, CA
MDM: This is a mistake. Trust me. You will overtrain if you do this. You
must quit your job. Fuck your family and income. Remember: bodybuilding is
not a hobby, it's a lifestyle. If your family must starve to death and suffer
great pain so that you can eat all the food in the house and not have enough
money for them, then thats how its gotta be. Overtraining is one of the
greatest escalating illnesses in America today. Thousands die each day from
overtraining. Symptoms of overtraining include:
-Sleeplessness
-Feeling tired
-Depression
-loss of appetite
-aching muscles
-decrease in strength
-nausea
-sneezing
-coughing
-blinking
-not living in a coffin
-not having a conveyer belt in your house
-going to the bathroom
-sleeping less that 24 hours each night
-death
-walking your dog
-having fun or doing anything positive with your life
-everything aside from laying still in a coffin and straightjacket
Remember, any kind of weightlifing is overtraining, so stay away from the gym
or weights. If you see a dumbell, run away from it, for it may tempt you to
pick it up or, god forbid, lift it. Abide by all these rules and you will
become a morbidly obese vegetable and your brain will turn to mush, which is
the essence of bodybuilding. Hope this helps.
Q: What should I wear to the gym?
Vince Walker, Salt Lake City, Utah
MDM: A pink thong, sunglasses, a purple tanktop thats 18 sizes too big for so
that your nipples show out of each sleeve and so that it looks like there is no
point in wearing it in the first place, gigantic red boots with yellow laces
going all the way up (like Ronald McDonald), wraps on every joint of your body,
a belt, a fanny pack, and a pink beanie. If you dont have that, then just
ripped up jeans with no socks or shoes or shirt. The point is to look like a
goofy asshole and intimidate everyone instead of actually working out, even
though you'll get laughed at and ripped on anyway. Oh, and if you're not tan,
dump dark brown paint all over yourself, and remember to have movers install an
oven and grill in the gym too. Hope this helps.
Q: Hi. My name's Troy and I'm 17 years old. I've been lifting weights this
past year in order to get bigger and stronger for next football season. I have
have been eating my body weight in grams of protein which is 175, but I feel
tired a lot of the time. I really would like to know how I should be eating in
order to gain a lot of size. Thanks.
Troy Wandel, Eastwick, MI
MDM: In order to maximize anabolism you must maximize your anabolic storage,
which means you should be eating a LOT. You should eat at least 19 times your
own body weight in protein per day, which, in you case, would be around 7 cows
total. I could go into the whole carb/protein ratio mumbo jumbo, but I'll just
give you a beginner's diet to try. This is the typical "get big" diet for
novice beginners. This isn't as much as intermediate or advanced, but here you
go:
Meal 1: (Wake up) Slice of cantelope, 21 egg whites, 4 cups oatmeal, 8 0z. whole
milk, a steak, 6 cups brown rice, 4 cups grits, 12 oz. lean beef, 3 8 oz.
chicken breasts, protein shake w/ whole milk, 11 amino acid tablets, 5 gm
creatine, another protein shake, 12 inch tuna sub from Subway, salad, 8 oz.
orange juice, another steak
Meal 2: (5 minutes later) Baked potato, multivitamin, steak, 4 8 oz. chicken
breasts, a cake, a gallon of whole milk
Meal 3: (Eat this quickly in the five minutes between meals 1 and 2, in that
this meal is extremely small, not even big enough for a newborn infant): Slice
of tomato, a killer whale sprinkled with wheat germ, protein shake with heavy
whipping cream, a human, a baked potato, 8 0z skim milk, precisely 6.665543201
oz of stagnated germinized wild oat milk with rapennada peas and wilk bulb,
protein shake
(Meals 4-7 should be drank within 30 seconds of each other or else catabolism
will kick in)
Meal 4: protein shake
Meal 5: protein shake
meal 6
rotein shakeMeal 7: protein shake
Meal 8: (pre-workout) homogenized amino pill, 3 oz. salmon, 15 gm creatine,
mount rushmore, 7 cups oatmeal, more oatmeal
Meal 9: (During Workout) (You should make sure your gym has a plug outlet
because you will need a grill and an oven moved into the gym for each workout.
Hire movers to assist you each day) Thanksgiving dinner, chicken breast,
protein shake, 7 cups oatmeal, creatine, glucosamine, glutamine, arginine tabs
Meal 10: (Postworkout) 5 gm creatine, protein shake in whole milk, honey,
banana, go to Giant eagle and rip open all the oatmeal in the isle and eat as
much as you can until you get kicked out or arrested. Aim for at least 6
containers
MEALS 1-10 should have been eaten within about 2 hours. Repeat these meals 4
times each day or until you need to receive medical attention due to severe
stomach and intestinal dysfunction. This is normal. You should have to die
from this. Hope this helps.
Q: I first want to say I love your magazine and all the deaths youve caused due
to your advice. Congrats. Anyway, I currently am a construction worker and am
also into weightlifting in my spare time. I would like to lift more often, but
work gets in the way and I am too tired a lot of the time. I am afraid of
overtraining. What should I do?
Randall Conroy, CA
MDM: This is a mistake. Trust me. You will overtrain if you do this. You
must quit your job. Fuck your family and income. Remember: bodybuilding is
not a hobby, it's a lifestyle. If your family must starve to death and suffer
great pain so that you can eat all the food in the house and not have enough
money for them, then thats how its gotta be. Overtraining is one of the
greatest escalating illnesses in America today. Thousands die each day from
overtraining. Symptoms of overtraining include:
-Sleeplessness
-Feeling tired
-Depression
-loss of appetite
-aching muscles
-decrease in strength
-nausea
-sneezing
-coughing
-blinking
-not living in a coffin
-not having a conveyer belt in your house
-going to the bathroom
-sleeping less that 24 hours each night
-death
-walking your dog
-having fun or doing anything positive with your life
-everything aside from laying still in a coffin and straightjacket
Remember, any kind of weightlifing is overtraining, so stay away from the gym
or weights. If you see a dumbell, run away from it, for it may tempt you to
pick it up or, god forbid, lift it. Abide by all these rules and you will
become a morbidly obese vegetable and your brain will turn to mush, which is
the essence of bodybuilding. Hope this helps.
Q: What should I wear to the gym?
Vince Walker, Salt Lake City, Utah
MDM: A pink thong, sunglasses, a purple tanktop thats 18 sizes too big for so
that your nipples show out of each sleeve and so that it looks like there is no
point in wearing it in the first place, gigantic red boots with yellow laces
going all the way up (like Ronald McDonald), wraps on every joint of your body,
a belt, a fanny pack, and a pink beanie. If you dont have that, then just
ripped up jeans with no socks or shoes or shirt. The point is to look like a
goofy asshole and intimidate everyone instead of actually working out, even
though you'll get laughed at and ripped on anyway. Oh, and if you're not tan,
dump dark brown paint all over yourself, and remember to have movers install an
oven and grill in the gym too. Hope this helps.
