For sterolizer: Mediation Question

[jnevin]

I spoke with Shur about this earlier, but would love any other experiences people have had with this so I know what to expect.

I know I'm in the best position here, since I'm already the custodial parent and have been nothing but stable for Q since she's been born. Her atty is coming to the mediation for some reason ($$$?) and I don't want to let my ego and temper shoot me in the foot. Other thing is, her atty is who scheduled it, so I'm sure he has a working relationship with her to a degree. Should I be concerned? The courts recommend using a mediator that regularly works with the courts.

Fuck, I feel overwhelmed.

 

[bigpokey]

u sound like a pussy right now just go in there and tell that bitch to shut her dicksucker unless she wants some dick in it

 

[jnevin]

While my id tells me to follow your advice, I think I'll have to turn it down. All of your posts in the last little bit have been the same, and I just can't take advice from an unoriginal gay homo.

 

[bigpokey]

sorry i tried

 

[jnevin]

Clean slate here buddy.

 

[WoodyO]

If this is the initial mediation, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You just have to state your case as to why you want to move.

There was two court appointed mediators when I was in small claims recently, and they were both retired litigators, who have seen and heard it all. They were actually quite easy to work with.

 

[jnevin]

If this is the initial mediation, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You just have to state your case as to why you want to move.

There was two court appointed mediators when I was in small claims recently, and they were both retired litigators, who have seen and heard it all. They were actually quite easy to work with.

So I basically stick to the facts, stick to my guns, and keep the temper under wraps and I'm ok?

 

[bigpokey]

i think a father havin full custody pretty much says it all, why would you have anything to get mad about?

 

[WoodyO]

So I basically stick to the facts, stick to my guns, and keep the temper under wraps and I'm ok?

Yeah, however we had to see the mediators and the judge signed off on the agreement. I wouldn't recommend signing off on anything on the initial visit. You can probably drag it out as long as you see fit.

 

[jnevin]

Yeah, however we had to see the mediators and the judge signed off on the agreement. I wouldn't recommend signing off on anything on the initial visit. You can probably drag it out as long as you see fit.

Oh, I'm not signing shit. I hate it. I've always been very fair and very polite (lately, last few years at least), and have just put Q first. I've been having pretty serious anxiety the past few days thinking my time with her could be halved just because a mom in Utah wants to see her kid more after all of this time.

 

[bigpokey]

wow yall are fuckin depressing good thing plan b in a breakfast taco was always my plan a

 

[jnevin]

wow yall are fuckin depressing good thing plan b in a breakfast taco was always my plan a

Sorry man. If I lose her I'll probably head-butt one of the high speed trains they put in ere recently.

 

[bigpokey]

fuck me i just wrote a really long seriously concerned reply i just can't be fuckin serious so i erased it but i really hope the best for ya bro.. just make sure what's best for your daughter is your only motivation when it comes to parenting and don't let your bitterness towards the mom, even if it's justifiable, play a role in your decisions... kids pick up on that shit i know i did

 

[mrplunkey]

1) Is this court-ordered mediation, or voluntary? Does the mediator have any obligation to report back to the court?

2) Mediations aren't typically binding, but I'd check anyway. And don't sign anything until you've had several days afterward to think about it.

3) A lot of the mediators used by the court are very good. In many situations, they're better at mediation than the lawyers themselves.

4) If you have your own lawyer (even if they aren't present), her lawyer isn't allowed to work directly with you.

5) Double-check before the mediation starts, but I'm pretty sure mediation falls under "settlement negotiations" which aren't admissible in court.

6) Use phrases that are familiar to the mediator and to the court. Instead of saying "that bitch is crazy", say "my number one concern is the well-being of my daughter". Don't say "that bitch will be out getting drunk and dicked", say things like "I'm concerned that she won't provide an environment conducive to raising children."

7) Also, don't throw any red flags: Parents who are overly religious (and in some cases religious at all), Parents who are trying to live through their children (I want her to be an XYZ when she grows up), Parents who are using the child to lash-out against their ex-husband/wife, etc. etc.

Good luck!!!!

 

[mrplunkey]

Oh, and remember this:

The mediator's job is to get the case settled. They often won't dig deep into the situation, particularly if they believe it is wildly emotional. So don't get frustrated if it seems they aren't listening -- that can mean they just don't think everything can be settled and are instead just trying to get a deal done.

 

[mrplunkey]

Doh... another thought:

Remember that positive things always trump negative ones. I know that sounds obvious, but there are horrible parents who just stick to their story saying things like: "I just want to take so-and-so to the park" or "I just want to watch so-and-so grow up. I'm missing so much of her life." And then by contrast, the other parent can be yelling: "Yeah, but she just watched you get drunk and be four-wayed on a pool table!" -- but the positive things can sway the mediator/court.

So stay positive. Don't bitch about what your ex does, show concern over how her actions may hurt the child.

 

[shirlene29]

I told you my only concern was that this was a mediator her attorney lined up rather than court appointed. Stick to facts, remain calm and know that nothing is binding. Treat it like an opportunity to see what cards the other side may play. You are still the plaintiff in the original agreement...it seems like splitting hairs but it makes a difference.

 

[shirlene29]

Also...Im sure G forgot to mention you wound up with Q because of things like her drugging her child so she didn't have to deal with her.
And not to be a jerk but she doesn't exactly look like a Mormon mom, ykwim? She isn't on the same playing field.

 

[nangiggles]

Be specific about things you provide for the child' needs (education, medical appointments, finance, socialization, family ties, etc) in a respectful way if probed state your concerns for Qs well being and her needs may not be met based on a history of neglect (forms of neglect can be medical, financial, lack of supervision, nutritional, discipline, stability, no ties/visible in the community.

 

[caligirl85]

I told you my only concern was that this was a mediator her attorney lined up rather than court appointed. Stick to facts, remain calm and know that nothing is binding. Treat it like an opportunity to see what cards the other side may play. You are still the plaintiff in the original agreement...it seems like splitting hairs but it makes a difference.

This seems like a bit of a set up? It's court appointed mediation?

 

[shirlene29]

I dont know the particulars..I know it was something her attorney set up because shes challenging custody and it wasn't a mediator from the normal list from the court

I would assume in some ways it is a bit of a setup...but Im not sure whos being setup..nev to lose custody or the ex to lose her wallet, kwim?

I could be remembering this all wrong too...sometimes I try not to listen to nev

 

[caligirl85]

Lol gotcha!

 

[nangiggles]

Nev were you ordered by the court to go? I wouldn't go if its not mandatory, one does not voluntarily open your mouth in front of lawyers in family court.

 

[jnevin]

My paternity case (called this in UT since Q wasn't born while we were married) states that we need to go to mediation before we go to court if we reach an impasse in Q related things. The court recommends that you use a service tied to them, but state and county approved mediators are acceptable too. I can't image we'll come to any sort of agreement here, since her mom is asking for joint custody and has no way to have her that much, and I'm hoping to move back home a little down the road here.

Thing is, I've been Q's only stable person her entire life, I've sacrificed everything to be with her and to make sure she has a parent with her as much as possible, I have over a dozen people willing to take time off of work and go to court with me to say that if I need them to, and she hasn't done anything other than the bare minimum since she's been born.

I love this little bastard and I'm not going to let her mom's ego hurt my relationship with her.

 

[mrplunkey]

I know I'm being nosey here, but this could be great leverage:

Have you taken any support money from her mother? Does this case involve getting support from the mother in any way?

Here's why I ask. If you can show you've been with her for years and not asked for the first dime, it supports the idea that all you want is the well-being of your kid. It doesn't hurt your case at all if you have been taking support, but if you haven't you may have a slam dunk. If that's the case, here is your mantra: "I don't want anything from her mother. Not a single dime. I just want my daughter to be happy, healthy and raised in a good environment."

 

[jnevin]

I didn't ask for any support from her. When everything happened I had lost my insurance, so I asked that she kept covering her. I could put her on my insurance now, but I figure she should have some skin in the game. It's funny, she makes such a big deal out of when she buys her a couple of outfits or pays her half of the daycare. Like it's so unheard of. Makes me think of this.

/java

I Take Care Of My Kids - YouTube

 

[mrplunkey]

I didn't ask for any support from her. When everything happened I had lost my insurance, so I asked that she kept covering her. I could put her on my insurance now, but I figure she should have some skin in the game. It's funny, she makes such a big deal out of when she buys her a couple of outfits or pays her half of the daycare. Like it's so unheard of. Makes me think of this.

/java

I Take Care Of My Kids - YouTube

That's not bad at all.

She'll try to argue that she does her part to pay for Q, but I suspect she's way below what her court-ordered payments would be (unless were talking about some crazy-expensive day care).