family issues

[bobby716]

ok this may be long i apologize but i need some input

so the wife in the relationship is in their 50s and the husband is in the 40s. They have been together for about 6 years and have had some rocky times before. They just bought a house last year re-did almost everything and are finally getting settled in. The only issue remaining is some substance abuse issues. They are both amazing people. They go to church function normally during the day, they would give you the shirt off their back but at night its get fucked up time. One is a heavy pot smoker and the other is on meds for depression and has a drinking problem. The smoker smokes roughly 4 joints a day while the drinker drinks a bottle of wine per day along with the pills that results in zombie mode. The drinker/pill one has attempted suicide in the past. Now they got into an argument over this and the smoker has since stopped smoking for a week so far(first time in almost 25 years) but the wife is refusing to get help or stop. He is trying to salvage the relationship but the wife is in denial and refused to get help. I don't want to see them separate because when they aren't arguing they are the PERFECT couple but im at a loss on how to get through to the wife. Anyone in/be in a similar situation and has any advice.

 

[Arabian]

Until the wife wants help and has the desire to stop on her own... no amount of energy will get her to do so.... good luck You could try an intervention if its that bad....

 

[hiasdamoon]

Unfortunately someone in this situation cannot be helped unless they are willing to admit to themselves/make the effort. I base this off the fact that I was this person.

Anti-Depression meds mixed with a bottle of Grey Goose was my preferred passion though. No matter what anyone told me, I thought that when I was in zombie mode I was fully functional and enjoying my life. It really did not make sense though because the alcohol is a depressant, so you are in essence battling the pills with the liquor trying to find the happy medium. Eventually you think you are there, but you are actually so far lost in zombie mode, that there is no normalcy. I would get offended and mad when someone would try to convince me that what I was doing was harming anyone. Anger then shortly followed during that rant. After which, would pop another anti-depression pill or 3 and kick back.

The key for me to stop was to learn to live my life without the pills. Once the pills stopped I was no longer trying to find this balance between too happy and too sad.

Video tape her when she is in Zombie mode, then when she is sober show her how her actions affect those she "loves" The hardest part is seeing yourself being cruel and mean to those loved ones in your life. You cannot deny video.

 

[bigtravis]

He can sign an Order of Protection. Which means the police will come and take her into custody for treatment because she is a danger to herself. Especially if it's on record that she has attempted suicide before.

 

[Smurfy]

ok this may be long i apologize but i need some input

so the wife in the relationship is in their 50s and the husband is in the 40s. They have been together for about 6 years and have had some rocky times before. They just bought a house last year re-did almost everything and are finally getting settled in. The only issue remaining is some substance abuse issues. They are both amazing people. They go to church function normally during the day, they would give you the shirt off their back but at night its get fucked up time. One is a heavy pot smoker and the other is on meds for depression and has a drinking problem. The smoker smokes roughly 4 joints a day while the drinker drinks a bottle of wine per day along with the pills that results in zombie mode. The drinker/pill one has attempted suicide in the past. Now they got into an argument over this and the smoker has since stopped smoking for a week so far(first time in almost 25 years) but the wife is refusing to get help or stop. He is trying to salvage the relationship but the wife is in denial and refused to get help. I don't want to see them separate because when they aren't arguing they are the PERFECT couple but im at a loss on how to get through to the wife. Anyone in/be in a similar situation and has any advice.

are you their therapist?

do you think getting them some counseling from the pastor/church would help?

 

[bobby716]

thank you all for the input

arabian: thats what i am starting to think but i feel i cant give up on the situation because if she doesnt stop she will loose her son, her husband, and her house because the husband just put the house on the market and is going his own way

hais: im glad to hear you pulled through it. I think the video tape will be my next plan of attack. its not like she is dangering anyone but herself but its the fact she cant talk she like drools and mumbles, she always thinks shes is right even if its so obvious she wrong (she thought we were playing poker when we were playing blackjack and would not let anyone tell her different even getting loud and yelling even though she use to be a dealer at a casino and clearly knows the difference) its like she is in her own little world and everyone else messed up. and you are right she does think she is perfectly fine and sees nothing wrong with the way she is

bigtravis: we discussed that but he won't do that to her kids. especially where one still lives with her

smurfy: im not the therapist im kind of the foundation of the house they call me when shit isnt going good and i try to help them out. they are going to their pastor now but hes more teaching them about jesus and how to find him than actually solving their problems

its a fucked up situation and really i think it is better i step away and let them deal with their own problems i just hate to see them sell their house and separate over something that can be fixed. they will both be loosing thousandssssssss of dollars and i guarantee in 6 months they will be back together.

 

[tha joker]

Arabian is right on. You are in a real crappy situation. Until the wife makes the decision to confront her addiction problem of her own accord, there is really little anyone can do. This is a long term problem that has taken years to deteriorate and a long term committment from both of them to be sober has to happen. Unfortunately, addiction has a habit of slowly infecting and seeping into every facet of a persons life. It is absolute insanity.....and I'm sure the wife even knows this. However, unless the wife is willing to confront her own reasons for self-medicating, nothing will change. Coming from personal experience, it would be in the husband's best interest to focus on what he has to do to remain sober. I feel horrible for any couple in this sort of situation. You probably have the right idea by electing to distance yourself, although, I'm sure you feel by doing so you are abandoning them, you are not. They are simply both beyond your control.

 

[Razorguns]

nomarria..aw fuck it.

Only people can fix or help themselves. You can never do it for them. If you try, it may blow up in your face. Such is life senor.

r

 

[inkspot]

arabian is right on. You are in a real crappy situation. Until the wife makes the decision to confront her addiction problem of her own accord, there is really little anyone can do. This is a long term problem that has taken years to deteriorate and a long term committment from both of them to be sober has to happen. Unfortunately, addiction has a habit of slowly infecting and seeping into every facet of a persons life. It is absolute insanity.....and i'm sure the wife even knows this. However, unless the wife is willing to confront her own reasons for self-medicating, nothing will change. Coming from personal experience, it would be in the husband's best interest to focus on what he has to do to remain sober. I feel horrible for any couple in this sort of situation. You probably have the right idea by electing to distance yourself, although, i'm sure you feel by doing so you are abandoning them, you are not. They are simply both beyond your control.

+1

 

[bobby716]

thank you all. i spoke with them this morning told them my piece and told them ill be distancing myself until they can act like adults and become sober and normal functioning human beings. it sucks but in the end i cant let their mistakes and problems bother me in my everyday life. im hoping they will get the help they need so we could continue our relationship because they really truly are amazing friends and people.