Can you help critique my...

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Can someone critique my weird kinda of psycho song i just wrote, I dont really care to be flamed, just looking for criticism. It's rap, and even if you know that, dont try to flow it to a beat, cause its kinda hard. But yeah. If you can, say yeah...cause I would like some help.

btw...like help with theme, story, metas, multis, rhymes, and word choices.

people, there are two songs now, one on this page and one on the next. I would really appreciate critique.

 

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Which ballad?

 

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Which ballad?

Not really a ballad or maybe it is...i dunno.

Anyways, some people read books and shit and do art...i like to write music from time to time lol

i dont know what it is, but its fun or somethin. I dont care if it's bad, I just like to grab my pen and pad and just run with it...you know?

if you care to read my crap, just say alright (pleeassee).

 

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its not exactly narrative, so i guess its not a ballad.

 

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Yes I want to read your crap. But I cannot fortune tell from it.

 

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Yes I want to read your crap. But I cannot fortune tell from it.

lol ok

Redefining Sin.


(Verse 1)
Im not so even keel any more
fuck this world
imma let go of the wheel and see where i go
see what heaven has in store
fuck this personal restrainment
its fuckin disgustin, i need an ailment
give me the gun already so i can cock it
why the fuck am i holdin my self back
was it for you
was it for me
was it so we could be fued-free
was it for others entertainement
let me be me al-read-y
i've listend to your shit long enough
you've turned me sick n unsteady
you won alright? thats it, its done
over
I've been on this leash long enough
feeling like dog rover
you've dragged me round n had your kicks
now its my turn
my turn to get my licks
bend down bitch, get down and kiss it
not my dick, my shoes bitch
relish in it, you filth,
your're nothing to me now
but an irratant itch
see yourself in five minutes
cause when im done with it
i mean you
u'll be beat up and bloody
at the bottom of a ditch
coloured in black n blue
i'll be long gone in the distance
thats the how our story ended
and guess what baby boo
you just missed it.


(Chorus) x 2




I just dont understand it
shoulda ended you with the knife
while you were just lookin at me standing
consider yaself lucky
cause had i not been so tempted
to kill you at the speed of light
i woulda went to any ends
i would of bladed you with a passion
and smiled as i took your life.

(verse 2)

now our only relation is on paper
you're wrapped in a bag
concealed by a zipper
morticians trying to figure out what happen
but can figure what hit her
what reversed the current of her pulse
what killed her
I DID IT!
But you cant convict this person
me, this muther fucker
why?
cuz i ended it last nitew
with the gleaming metal knife
the one that i almost used on my wife
sorry mother
right through my stomach
in so perfectly it went
like the bond of a baby and a soother
i felt nothin wrong though

but saw somethin shawn through
a lite
not a tunnel
for my eyes to see
it was a struggle
it was a torch to my new domian
there were no harps or angels
just hells wraiths and demons
Satan welcomed me n said in
a language he proclaimed to be called 'sin'
this isnt hell
this is my heaven, you are in
you are me
i am you
we are everthing in between
everything old, everything new
were are the poisons
that make baby daughters vomit n spew
the intoxications that cause them to
give up their virgins to dudes
we are everything that is wrong with you
which actually is essentially them
you are dead
cumulitively added, you have been
we are the worlds sins
now take a deep breath
open ya eyes wide
and laugh at it.

(Chorus) x 2


I just dont understand it
shoulda ended you with the knife
while you were just lookin at me standing
consider yaself lucky
cause had i not been so tempted
to kill you at the speed of light
i woulda went to any ends
i would of bladed you with a passion
and smiled as i took your life.

 

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lol ok

Redefining Sin. (song title)


(Verse 1)
Im not so even keel any more
fuck this world
imma let go of the wheel and see where i go
see what heaven has in store
fuck this personal restrainment
its fuckin disgustin
give me the gun already so i can cock it
why the fuck am i holdin my self back
for you
for me
for others entertainement
let me be me already
i've listend to your shit long enough
you've turned me sick n unsteady
you won alright? thats it, its done
over
I've been on this leash long enough
feeling like dog rover
you've dragged me round n had your kicks
now its my turn
my turn to get my licks
bend down bitch, get down and kiss it
not my dick, my shoes bitch
relish in it, you filth, your're nothing to me now
but an irratant itch
see yourself in five minutes
cause when im done with it
i mean you
u'll be beat up and bloody in a ditch
coloured in black n blue
i'll be long gone in the distance
thats the how our story ended
and guess what baby boo
you just missed it.


(Chorus) x 2
Youuuuuu, took us for granted
you're feet up, you're dead
you gotta bullet in ya head
why you sad?
you brought it pon yourself
you made me mad
feel lucky I didnt end you with a dag

(verse 2)

now our only relation is on paper
you're wrapped in a bag
concealed by a zipper
morticians trying to figure out what happen
but can figure what hit her
what killed her
I DID IT!
But you cant convict this
...mutha fucker
i ended it last nitew
with the gleaming metal knife
i almost used on my wife
sorry mother
right through my stomach
it went
i felt nothin wrong
no less
but saw somethin shawn
a lite
not a tunnel
a stuggle it was for my eyes
it was a torch to my new domian
there were no harps or angels
just hells wraiths and demons
Satan welcomed me said in
a language he proclaimed to be called sin
you are me
i am you
we are everthing in between
everything old, everything new
were are the poisons
that make baby daughters spew
give up their virgins to dudes
we are everything that is wrong with you
with them
you are dead
cumulitively added
we are the worlds sins
now take a deep breath
and laugh at it.

Your ballad seems to be about hatered, pain, revenge but you seem to still love this bitch you are talking about. Is this a long distance thing that went wrong?

Yes I like it. Bravo & standing ovation to you ceasar.






Would you like some grapes with that?

 

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Your ballad seems to be about hatered, pain, revenge but you seem to still love this bitch you are talking about. Is this a long distance thing that went wrong?

Yes I like it. Bravo & standing ovation to you ceasar.






Would you like some grapes with that?

Grapes sounds swell, just add a little sugar, yasmina, I like my fruits slightly sweetened lol jk

So it was ok?

If you actually did like it, then I'm glad. It needs more work though. Perhaps another verse, final chorus with a little extension to it. That might make it sweet.

 

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Grapes sounds swell, just add a little sugar, yasmina, I like my fruits slightly sweetened lol jk

So it was ok?

If you actually did like it, then I'm glad. It needs more work though. Perhaps another verse, final chorus with a little extension to it. That might make it sweet.

Yes I like it. Is it for personal use or a competition?

"bend down bitch, get down and kiss it
not my dick, my shoes bitch"

These two lines are a little crude will you keep them?

 

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Yes I like it. Is it for personal use or a competition?

"bend down bitch, get down and kiss it
not my dick, my shoes bitch"

These two lines are a little crude will you keep them?

No competition, just something I like to do from time to time.

Yes i will keep that line. I realize its crude, but its necessary. Those lines are trying to express how the guy has had enough of her, he doesnt even want her sex, he almost wants to see her roll in her own piss, kissin his boots humiliating herself. He's just throw the roof and breaks.

 

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No competition, just something I like to do from time to time.

Yes i will keep that line. I realize its crude, but its necessary. Those lines are trying to express how the guy has had enough of her, he doesnt even want her sex, he almost wants to see her roll in her own piss, kissin his boots humiliating herself. He's just throw the roof and breaks.

Interesting, I want to read the rest of the ballad so I can give you a complete critique. What else have you composed?

 

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Interesting, I want to read the rest of the ballad so I can give you a complete critique. What else have you composed?

Workin on it. lol. I should be hittin up my real work but it doesnt require thinkin, its fast, its easy, this isnt.

I have the idea and the words for the final verse...but i dunno...alot of it is about timing of lines and words. Like, I know what lines i wanna use, I just gotta figure where I wanna put em (metaphorically speaking of course, its all in my head)

 

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Tell me if you like this poem:

Separation

To not forget our loving, should I a sign implore?
I'd ask for you, but dearest, you are your own no more.
Nor do I beg a flower from in your golden hair;
Forgetfulness, beloved, is but my single prayer.

Oh, what a sad sensation, when joy that soon did wane,
Not swift with it to vanish, but ever here remain!
Down quite a different valley does that same river fret;
The long and silent sameness of immutable regret
When through this life to wander it has been writ, it seem,
A dream made out of shadow, a shadow made of dream.
From now in my existence what interest can you hold?
Why should one count the ages that o'er the dead are rolled?
No matter when I die, this or some later day,
My wish is out o'the mind of all to I pass away,
And you forget the dream that our two hearts endears.
When you look back, beloved, upon the faded years,
Let in the depths of shadow my memory be gone,
As though we midst our loving each other had not known,
As though those hours of wonder in fact we did not live.
That I so deeply love you dear one can you forgive?
My face turned to the desert you left me all alone
And cold beneath my eyelids my eyes have turned to stone.
And when at last death's soil my body does reclaim,
Then who on earth will know me or know from whence I came?
A chant of lamentation within cold walls will chime
To beg for me in weeping the peace of endless time;
And I would fain that someone quite near to me then came
To whisper to me softly, beloved one, your name.
While then ... should they my body into the gutter throw,
Still that would be far bitter than what I suffer now.
Afar off in the distance a flock of crows arise
And darken all the heavens before my sightless eyes;
Beyond the earth's steep margin a hurricane does start,
Flinging to the world my dust and to the wind my heart.

Yet as in spring the blossom do you remain the while,
With gentle eyes and humid, and tender childish smile;
So much a child, yet seeming each day to younger grow
And of my fate know nothing, as I too nothing know.

 

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Tell me if you like this poem:

Separation

To not forget our loving, should I a sign implore?
I'd ask for you, but dearest, you are your own no more.
Nor do I beg a flower from in your golden hair;
Forgetfulness, beloved, is but my single prayer.

Oh, what a sad sensation, when joy that soon did wane,
Not swift with it to vanish, but ever here remain!
Down quite a different valley does that same river fret;
The long and silent sameness of immutable regret
When through this life to wander it has been writ, it seem,
A dream made out of shadow, a shadow made of dream.
From now in my existence what interest can you hold?
Why should one count the ages that o'er the dead are rolled?
No matter when I die, this or some later day,
My wish is out o'the mind of all to I pass away,
And you forget the dream that our two hearts endears.
When you look back, beloved, upon the faded years,
Let in the depths of shadow my memory be gone,
As though we midst our loving each other had not known,
As though those hours of wonder in fact we did not live.
That I so deeply love you dear one can you forgive?
My face turned to the desert you left me all alone
And cold beneath my eyelids my eyes have turned to stone.
And when at last death's soil my body does reclaim,
Then who on earth will know me or know from whence I came?
A chant of lamentation within cold walls will chime
To beg for me in weeping the peace of endless time;
And I would fain that someone quite near to me then came
To whisper to me softly, beloved one, your name.
While then ... should they my body into the gutter throw,
Still that would be far bitter than what I suffer now.
Afar off in the distance a flock of crows arise
And darken all the heavens before my sightless eyes;
Beyond the earth's steep margin a hurricane does start,
Flinging to the world my dust and to the wind my heart.

Yet as in spring the blossom do you remain the while,
With gentle eyes and humid, and tender childish smile;
So much a child, yet seeming each day to younger grow
And of my fate know nothing, as I too nothing know.

Holy shit. Is this yours?

Seriously, you have a creative mind. I read that three times before I posted. I wish I saved my K for that post.

You out did me. I give in lol.

 

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Holy shit. Is this yours?

Seriously, you have a creative mind. I read that three times before I posted. I wish I saved my K for that post.

You out did me. I give in lol.

Not easy to read but it has a lot of feeling.

What else have you written?

 

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There is a poem I like which has about 90 stanzas it starts like this:

Once on a time, as poets sing
High tales with fancy laden,
Born of a very noble king
There lived a wondrous maiden.

An only child, her kinsfolk boon,
So fair, imagination faints ;
As though amidst the stars the moon,
Or Mary amidst the saints.

From 'neath the castle's dark retreat,
Her silent way she wended
Each evening to the window-seat
Where Lucifer attended.

 

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There is a poem I like which has about 90 stanzas it starts like this:

Once on a time, as poets sing
High tales with fancy laden,
Born of a very noble king
There lived a wondrous maiden.

An only child, her kinsfolk boon,
So fair, imagination faints ;
As though amidst the stars the moon,
Or Mary amidst the saints.

From 'neath the castle's dark retreat,
Her silent way she wended
Each evening to the window-seat
Where Lucifer attended.

That's a cool one. Nice and short, and has a nice finisher.

I have other work, but its on paper...i write shit when im in class and in the library...

This is what i just typed on my comp.

I will get some more soon if you really want. I'd love to see yours. Your stuff is reallllllllyyyy deep.

 

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Not easy to read but it has a lot of feeling.

What else have you written?

There is alot of substance fit into that. Like, you totally whipped some THICK miracle whip right there. Thats no joke either. I really like this kinda stuff.

 

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That's a cool one. Nice and short, and has a nice finisher.

I have other work, but its on paper...i write shit when im in class and in the library...

This is what i just typed on my comp.

I will get some more soon if you really want. I'd love to see yours. Your stuff is reallllllllyyyy deep.

Those are not my poems they are poems of one of my favourite international poets which I used to read as a child when I was about 9 or 10 years old for my english classes.

Yes I want to see what else you have composed. I am going to log of now but next time when I am on you can show me.

 

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Those are not my poems they are poems of one of my favourite international poets which I used to read as a child when I was about 9 or 10 years old for my english classes.

Yes I want to see what else you have composed. I am going to log of now but next time when I am on you can show me.

Sounds good me to me. When you get back on, I want you to explain your avatar to me lol. I cant figure it out.

 

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Anyone?

 

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Sounds good me to me. When you get back on, I want you to explain your avatar to me lol. I cant figure it out.

I tried fixing my avatar but to no avail.

Post up another one of your creations, lets see what you have.

 

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I tried fixing my avatar but to no avail.

Post up another one of your creations, lets see what you have.

The second one I came up with is wayyyy worse, and might not make sense to some (you).

but whatever. See if you can figure it out.

there are no chorus's btw.
Me and Monnai.


(verse 1)

Hey baby, how you doin
you lookin green
how you feelin?
Sick?
Really?
From what?
from the abuse n all the killin?
what, you mean for you?
i agree, look at the pain
that you've caused for me and you
i mean us
the portrait, the painting.
but look at all the coke thats been snorted up ya
in addition to the fathers have been murder because of that
you've been wrapped round dicks
for bizaree measurements
you must be full of stds
now no wonder why your sick
n along with this
I've had to come and peel you off sidewalks
but carefully, cause you were fragile
all in the meanwhile
so slowy i'd get your trashy ass up
actin like a prostitute beggin for money with a cup
with your eyes closed
and you legs propped up
ready and waiting to get fucked
well guess what?
you dont get fucked
you're the fucker
you fuck!
Everyone you're affiliated with knows this n nothin but
and if it wasnt for you
the evil inside of us all
the one that causes kids to run through the hall
all alienated n awol
to just pick up some hand guns
n shoot up their schools
like were would be no tomorrow
Ah!
If it wasnt for that!
we'd be happy!
married
all smiling in harmony
diamond on your ring finger
snugged up nice n tight
no more struggling
just you n me
can you see it?
I just wanted you to believe...



Miss Cashier, please
Can you open up the register
that way i can visit her,
sorry,
that's my wife
my apologizes for not introducing ya
to the love of my life
and there you can see my family
we were criticized for wanting to reproduce
to want babies
to want little children
little dimes, little nickles, little pennies
protection from me, somethin to prevent me to shoot
but in order to get my seed
i had to break her
that lady at the till rang her
and in exchange i got change
this was the youth that would now steer me
and pull me down to base level
and enjoy life for those those things that are simple
by bein just stable
and for that
I thank them.


See, I loved you
but I had to move on
just as BIG said it
mo money, mo problems
I had to get rid a ya
not that I dont love, I cherished and kill for sight of your color
but you've tainted me, changed me
left me crippled on many occasions
my infatuation for thee
was remincisent of the affects of a blight disease
I needed young me's, i mean
it was time, how long had it been
what did you expect of me
i wanted a family of atleast three kinds
three kids
call me a women
i dont give a shit
but i wanted dollars and cents
member, gold, nickle bronze?
we was decidin names for the kids
while hey hey on the tv was bein said by fat albert
or was it the fonz
hmm
i guess not, you didnt really pay attention
you didnt give a fuck
this is where you and I were different
we started from the slums
with barely nothin on
you were worth a million to me
even though you were only one
you were everything, you see?
you were whored and passed around
like the queen head of the town
and once we finally scaped
i never launched
infact, I fell down
that plus your ego forgot to ditch the crown.
everything took a turn for the worst
or maybe it was for the better
either way you see it
you're probably concealed from me forever
but to you, its probably heaven

 

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...yasmina? *cricket*

 

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Any help, i would like.

 

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^

 

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lol ok

Redefining Sin.

imma let go of the wheel and see where i go

it seems weird when i look at it alone, but i really like this line in context of the song

(minus the "imma" )

maybe toss in something like "theres no room in this hell, theres no room in the next" or something

but i think i might be stealing that from a song but i dont know which

 

[-SD-]

I like country music.

 

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it seems weird when i look at it alone, but i really like this line in context of the song

(minus the "imma" )

maybe toss in something like "theres no room in this hell, theres no room in the next" or something

but i think i might be stealing that from a song but i dont know which

Thanks for the input man..

the purpose of imma is so the song sounds smoother when read out loud as opposed to say 'im going to'...its slang, im sure you're aware of that.