Can Trust Ever Be Regained?

[flexed1]

I am very big on honesty even if it hurts. I hold others who are in a relationship with me to the same standard. My other half of two years got fired from his job last month . We ahd to seek an attorney as he was contacted by there attorneys for the return of some files he had taken to protect himself.

It cost me over $ 3,000 to defend him as he has no money and in the process held one of the reasons he was fired back from me and denied it ever happened. He was accused of looking at porn at working and downloading pictures. This is not a big deal as at home I save sites I think he may like.

Bottom line is he came clean and it has caused an incredible strain on me towards him. He is expecting me to break up which I ahve not done but it has mentally placed us back quite a bit as I was lied to. If you don't have honesty you have nothing.

He has been by my side through my illness and spends everyday in the hospiatl with me on a cot. He has never cheated and never goes out without me. We do everything together and have a solid relationship. I just can't get over the lies which have happened twice before when we first met. He was sending e mails to folks he met on dating chat sites. It was when we first met but he was living in my house. He has since stopped but that caused friction as well.

Advise

 

[Imakarum_Mirabilis]

It's very difficult. Just ask yourself if it is worth losing all of the good things you listed over that particular bad thing.

The smart thing to do is to cut losses and move on whenever there is such a problem, but intelligence and the heart are two very different realms.

 

[theoak01]

trust can be regained but it takes a hell of alot of time and work from both parties to regain the trust. I know from experience and I am suprised my girlfriend is still with me after the fuck up I had

 

[tuc biscuit]

He may have been too embaressed to tell you. For me trust is a big thing if someone wants to get close to me and if they show they can't be trusted then I would get rid. Having said that I don't know you, the other guy, the background etc. so this would need to be a time when you need to ask yourself some serious questions. My advice would be not to rush any descision, and good luck.

 

[manny78]

I am very big on honesty even if it hurts. I hold others who are in a relationship with me to the same standard. My other half of two years got fired from his job last month . We ahd to seek an attorney as he was contacted by there attorneys for the return of some files he had taken to protect himself.

It cost me over $ 3,000 to defend him as he has no money and in the process held one of the reasons he was fired back from me and denied it ever happened. He was accused of looking at porn at working and downloading pictures. This is not a big deal as at home I save sites I think he may like.

Bottom line is he came clean and it has caused an incredible strain on me towards him. He is expecting me to break up which I ahve not done but it has mentally placed us back quite a bit as I was lied to. If you don't have honesty you have nothing.

He has been by my side through my illness and spends everyday in the hospiatl with me on a cot. He has never cheated and never goes out without me. We do everything together and have a solid relationship. I just can't get over the lies which have happened twice before when we first met. He was sending e mails to folks he met on dating chat sites. It was when we first met but he was living in my house. He has since stopped but that caused friction as well.

Advise

If he stopped and since he never cheated on you, I dont see how you couldnt trust him anymore. Unless you have some very high standards, I wouldnt make a big deal.

Look at the problem this way: will your next BF be like that ? WOuld if you end up with a cheater, a drug addict, a paranoid...? It could be better and improved (hell everything could) but chances (and most likely) are it will be worse. It's your call but I can't see how trust was broke in first place.

 

[velvett]

I've never been able to regain trust in another and I would not expect someone to regain trust in me if I failed them somehow.

Sometimes trust is broken not from a lie but from lack of truth.

 

[flexed1]

trust was broken by lying. if i go out when i am out of town with an ex to ahve dinner i say something. if chris reacts in a bad way i don't go. if i did not tell him and he found out how would he feel and react? probaly not well. trust is everything in a realtionship.

 

[Imakarum_Mirabilis]

Sometimes trust is broken not from a lie but from lack of truth.

This is key.

Omission of the truth has hurt me more than any outright lie.

 

[Devastation]

I also think he may have been embarrassed/ashamed for what he did. You two need to communicate more and quickly. relationships have a way of deteriating very quickly when there is no communication

 

[bwood]

flex...

we all lie to ourselves and to others a million times a day...

think about it...

it is worth more than most can imagine that he was there
at the hospital with you every day...

that is what matters...

 

[The Shadow]

How long???




....never

 

[sk*]

Wait, you are gay?

-sk

 

[AAP]

He has been by my side through my illness and spends everyday in the hospiatl with me on a cot. He has never cheated and never goes out without me. We do everything together and have a solid relationship.
Advise

This right here is worth trading off for him looking at porn sites. Porn is just harmless.

 

[rnch]

i agree, omission of the truth is the most eloquent form of lying. as i am a terrible liar, i try to be truthfull at all costs. the few times i have tried to lie my way out of trouble, it only got worse for me.

BUT..............

the world is not as black and white as we would want it to be, flex.

if i was in his shoes, i would be so very embarrassed over the reason for dismissal, i'm not sure i could tell ANYONE, much less someone i am physically close with.

i personally don't think internet porn is cheating, after all, it's YOU he comes home to, right? YOU are next to him, warm flesh and blood, internet surfing is fantasy stuff, mind candy at the best.

dude, it sounds to me like your pride is wounded more than your heart.

is this worth destroying what you two have?

in this type of situation, i have always followed the advice of ann landers (or dear abby?) and ask myself the queston they reccommend: "am i better off with her(him) or better off without her(him)?"

only YOU can deceide this.





(edited for spelling errors due to my lousy typing)

 

[SofaGeorge]

There are no second chances in life. That's why you don't f-ck up the first time round.

This isn't a dress rehersal.

 

[velvett]

Er, what he said.

i agree, omission of the truth is the most eloquent form of lying. as i am a terrible liar, i try to be truthfull at all costs. the few times i have tried to lie my way out of trouble, it only got worse for me.

BUT..............

the world is not as black and white as we would want it to be, flex.

if i was in his shoes, i would be so very embarrassed over the reason for dismissal, i'm not sure i could tell ANYONE, much less someone i am physically close with.

i personally don't think internet porn is cheating, after all, it's YOU he comes home to, right? YOU are next to him, warm flesh and blood, internet surfing is fantasy stuff, mind candy at the best.

dude, it sounds to me like your pride is wounded more than your heart.

is this worth destroying what you two have?

in this type of situation, i have always followed the advice of ann landers (or dear abby?) and ask myself the queston they reccommend: "am i better off with her(him) or better off without her(him)?"

only YOU can deceide this.





(edited for spelling errors due to my lousy typing)

 

[flexed1]

thanks all. i know if we split I will never find a more roundedc aring person who is alos very attractive, loving, caring, and by my side. its just trying to let go of being lied to. i guess the point of we lie everyday is a good one but not to folks i care about. he wrote me a long letter to explain his reasoning and it all makes sense but trust is something i am so big on. time heals all i guess.

 

[manny78]

thanks all. i know if we split I will never find a more roundedc aring person who is alos very attractive, loving, caring, and by my side. its just trying to let go of being lied to. i guess the point of we lie everyday is a good one but not to folks i care about. he wrote me a long letter to explain his reasoning and it all makes sense but trust is something i am so big on. time heals all i guess.

And there you go: will you get more benefits by leaving him or staying ? By the way you explain things, your life will not be improved at all. Time heals yes, but only if you allow it to do so. ANyway, good luck with everything

 

[gotmilk]

It has to be a little embarrassing to admit to being fired for looking at porn....even though you two seem pretty tight.

Imagine the local bread delivery guy here that was fired because he was caught beating off in the back of his truck....near the bread. I doubt he told his wife the real reason.

I hate liars but I can understand the reason to not reveal the truth..

Hell flex...imagine dating someone for three years...her leaving for 4 months, getting drunk and fucking someone...only to get pregnant. She looked me in the face and lied thru her teeth...when I knew all along.

Some lies are not worth breaking up over......like "No honey....I didn't leave the toilet seat up"....

 

[Tiervexx]

It has to be a little embarrassing to admit to being fired for looking at porn....even though you two seem pretty tight.

Imagine the local bread delivery guy here that was fired because he was caught beating off in the back of his truck....near the bread. I doubt he told his wife the real reason.

I hate liars but I can understand the reason to not reveal the truth..

Hell flex...imagine dating someone for three years...her leaving for 4 months, getting drunk and fucking someone...only to get pregnant. She looked me in the face and lied thru her teeth...when I knew all along.

I agree.

I understand your anger flex, but if he is as loyal, loving and attractive as you say he is I suggest you forgive him becasue replacing someone like that will be hell