Bummed...

[VeggieLifterChick]

Had another fight with my boyfriend. I showed him a picture of 3V and he got mad and said my ideals are too masculine. All I could tell him is I don't have her genetics...or her gear (hehe...sorry if that was a low blow there). This really depresses me when it happens. I know there was a whole thread about this. Just wanted to post it because venting a bit to people who can relate makes me feel better. He says I'm being inconsiderate by ignoring his opinions. A little while ago, he even accused me of using the fat loss as a cover to get muscular! I'm not even trying to be huge. Jeez. I just enjoy lifting and I'm trying to get in better shape, and yes I really do admire people like 3V whose hard work and dedication is obvious.

 

[smallmovesal]

fuck him. look how you want to look... have your own goals...

he isn't you and you owe him nothing in that department.

i hate to sound harsh, but tell him if he doesn't like your lifestyle or how you live, to get lost. he sounds like he wants to control you.

 

[Gladiola]

It's your body & and you will do what you want with it (so long as it's healthy & basically sensible.)

If it makes you happy to be muscular, then if he loves you he should want you to be happy.

You don't get big muscles overnight. Just b/c a certain physique is something you admire doesn't mean you will ever get there anyway. Either way, it won't happen overnight. So cross the bridge when you come to it if you end up monstrous - why stress now about that?

 

[Temple]

IMO - a relationship can only be truly successful when both parties wholeheartedly support the goals and aspirations of the other.

 

[Gladiola]

I agree you should support one another, but no 2 ppl will always agree on *everything*. You also have to agree to disagree.

He shouldn't be discouraging & try to impede your goals, but I feel I also have to respect that my boyfriend doesn't like the physique of Jenny Worth & he doesn't want me looking like that (Don't think that's gonna happen anyway!).

As I've said before, if he were to aspire to the physique of a competitive cyclist, I would be just as upset!

I respect his opinion.. but it's still my body.

 

[Gladiola]

Stop asking him what he thinks about it.

yeah, I like that idea. Tell him, "Yes, OK, I know how you feel. And you know how I feel, so shut up now!"

Oh - and DEFINITELY don't show him pics of a physique you admire (M&F Hers Mag, for example) - it will only lead to more arguments. Conversely, he needs to shut his pie hole about bodies he likes.

"She looks great."
"Eww she totally looks like a man! That's disguesting, you're sick."
"Whatever, muscle has no gender, it's beautiful on men & women. She looks awesome."
"You're sick."

"Mmm, she's sexy."
"What? She's totally too skinny, emaciated! Where are her quadriceps?! Her arm is as skinny at the bicep as the forearm, that's nasty!"
"Who cares about biceps? Look at her ass, she's hot."

Can I just tell you how many times we've had those conversations???? We really need to just stop having them.

 

[Temple]

My concern here is that if he is totally unattracted to a physically fit body for lack of a better word what are you going to do when he is looking at you saying those things. I absolutely agree that you will never agree on everything - you should hear some the the discussions the DH and I have sometimes but this could be a pretty core issue.

 

[Quarkey]

Yes, you need to find out where this relationship is going and if you're bf can handle your goals when you accomplish them. This is something that you will have to figure out now, because you can't let someone control your life. You need to be happy with yourself. If he is not happy with what you want, he will try to interfere with that the whole time you are working on it. Just do what's best for you and be happy

 

[legs]

You need a bigger man, one that can handle you!

 

[wyst]

I don't really share my goals with ppl anymore, unless I know they agree. It's funny, but the people who disagreed most with my goals are the ones who keep telling me how great I look now. Not that I'm huge or anything, but you see what I'm getting at? If you get fitter and into better and better shape gradually, I'm betting a lot of guys will react the same way. If you told them, "I'm going to gain 20 lbs of muscle," they'd be horrified, but if you just went out and did it, they'd never say a thing, and they wouldn't be able to keep their hands off you.

Maybe?

Wyst

 

[VeggieLifterChick]

True, I really should just quit showing him pics out of that magazine! Gladiola, your sample conversation there is so familiar! Except luckily he doesn't go for the emaciated thing. He likes the thin but "soft" look, like Christina Ricci. The most muscular woman he can think of that looks hot is Demi Moore.

I think you have a point there, Wyst. I think it probably sounds intimidating to a lot of men to hear that their gf wants to gain 20 pounds of muscle (or whatever amount). I think when they see it though, its another story entirely.

After our argument last night I emailed him explaining my specific goals, in order to make the whole muscle thing seem less intimidating to him. He wrote back today, and he seems a lot more reasonable than last night. I'm feeling a lot better about this. This is an excerpt from his email:

Masculinity doesn’t appeal to me sexually, or in terms of beauty. You know this. The fact that the women you choose as examples of the level of fitness you want to achieve have such outstanding masculine characteristics sets me aback, because I inherently do not want you to have those characteristics. Women can achieve excellent fitness and strength without looking like them. I understand that the extreme you hope to emulate have noticeable superiority to other women in the area of weightlifting, and thus it’s an example you want to follow. However I simply do not agree that typically male characteristics look good on a woman. Fitness and intensity in strength are appealing, but not to the extent that the result of such a regimen gives a non-appealing physique.

I seriously respect your goal of slimming down and gaining strength. You already look unbelievably beautiful, and your promise to look better excites me even more. Such is my goal as well. You say you love the way I look now, but I want to improve just as you do. And we discussed this earlier: I will have no complaints. Your list of target areas and goals sounds great. I'm sorry for telling you that i didn't care. I was just still a bit put-off from the conversation last night. Please accept my apology.

 

[Gladiola]

He sounds like a keeper! Eloquent, reasonable, kind. Wow!

My bf HATES discussing feelings... he would never write such an e-mail and to get him to acknowledge that perhaps something he said was inconsiderate, harsh, & somewhat hurtful is like pulling teeth. But I pull

I think Wyst makes a good point. Our society is just plain scared of the word "GAIN" - people think bigger & fatter & that's a big negative. They just can't visualize "Gaining" and looking *better*.

 

[Sassy69]

It always gets weird when u try to point to a picture of someone's physique and say "That is what I want" -- because people always seem to take u literally. And then all of a sudden it turns into a discussion about having unrealistic goals for yourself (.... as you recall the previous night's conversation when the bf casually mentions he would love to have a chick who looks like Pandora Peaks... ahem... and all you can think about is the back problems the poor girl must have.. ).

The point is that you have to be happy with yourself. Another part of goal setting is to be able to like yourself while you are heading towards your goal. I catch myself saying "Just give me a couple a months - I"ll be the hottest thing on the dance floor".. except I 'm saying that every coupla months. At the moment I'm satisfied w/ my progress towards my goal, but I keep my ultimate goal in mind because I know it is attainable and also because I am the one who has to keep me motivated.