Boys!

[elle]

OK, I need a bitchslap ladies! LOL

I meet this guy about a month ago... he came on strong at first (warning sign 1, eh?) and said he'd never connected with anyone like he had with me, told me he was falling for me and talked of "in the future" with us all the time and blah blah blah...

Well, fast forward to a couple weeks of dating, major seriousness and "boyfriend" goes into the ICU for severe pneumonia. Boyfriend lives in Vancouver, BC and wasn't totally divorced yet (gotta wait out a year as seperated and then you can get divorced - he was right about 1 year when I met him). Boyfriend goes into the hospital, I find out from his coworkers and boss the next day. I finally reach boyfriend in the hospital 3 days later and he says he misses me but not to come visit because his almost-ex keeps showing up with the kids and he doesn't want her to feel uncomfortable if I show up to say hi to him.

So, ok, I was respectful and honored his wishes. I don't want to have any tense meetings with the ex any more than he wants to witness one. I know that he feels guilty for leaving but says they were a bad match. He claims to have already had his rebound relationship and that he was going to take it slow with me so to be "sure and steady"...

Fast forward to him getting out of the hospital at the end of this week and now he's gone 2 days without contacting me. When I spoke to him on Friday I asked if his feelings for me had changed at all because he seemed somewhat distant. He told me that, "no, they haven't changed, where'd you get that?" and then I left it at that.

Yes, I know he's been sick. Yes, I know he's not been himself lately. But I do know people with terminal cancer that have been more affectionate. I'm sure he's back with his ex who he told me ended up staying at the hospital until 11:30 Monday night by his bedside... how... sweet.

I called twice tonight and left a final "chipper" sounding "just wondering how you're doing, hope all is well" message... Am I an idiot?

Ahhh to have ESP...

Thanks for letting me vent...
-elle

 

[PHATchik]

Boys are poo. Lol. I'll never understand them either. I was always scared to let myself get too attached because I got hurt once. That was a mistake because love is way too awesome to pass up on, even it doesn't work out.

To me, it sounds like he was definitely trying to hook you right from the beginning. You resist, so he tries harder. Now, he's got you where he wants you. But, it might not be a bad place to be. Maybe he's just still shaken up from his sickness and time in the hospital. Being put in the ICU because you are that bad is something that can leave you shaken to the core. He may just need a little breathing time. But don't put up with him stringing you along. Tell him you need to talk and discuss it. Even if he needs a couple days of rest and no worries, you don't deserve that treatment.

 

[Pamela]

I could be wrong..
But it sounds like he's still in love with his X.

What's your gut feeling?

 

[Puddles]

I could be wrong..
But it sounds like he's still in love with his X.

What's your gut feeling?

Gut feelings are usually right on target.

Good luck, elle!

 

[FitFossil]

...he says he misses me but not to come visit because his almost-ex keeps showing up with the kids...

Upon hearing that I'd be kickin' him to the curb (but that's just me, because an ex plus kids is just too much baggage for my personal preference. Nor could I ever put up with a relationship where I had to be hidden). Apparently, he's not as separated as he led you to believe, or at least his wife and kids aren't fully clued in yet. Whatever the situation, it's complicated, and you have to ask yourself is it worth the complications? Also, when a man has kids, there will ALWAYS be that connection to his Ex. Can you live with that? And most importantly, since he does have kids, those kids will always come FIRST in his life - can you live with that and not resent the kids, who are just innocent bystanders?

I agree - go with your gut feelings - good luck!

 

[PHATchik]

Okay, don't ask me how, but I completely missed the part about the ex. If he is ashamed of you, then you don't need to put up with that. It's one thing to try to keep the relationship on the DL for a while, but it's a whole other thing to try to keep you hidden and tell you not to come by for fear that his ex will show up! And she's not even his ex yet. ALthough, he could be scared that she will be able to use you in the divorce hearing. Who knows?

You deserve better than to be strung along like this. THere is an emotional bond between the two of them that can't be broken. They were married, and they have kids. Those are two ties that bind, even after a divorce. That's something that, if you stay with him, you'll have to accept. You two just need to have a long talk and he needs to be informed that you will not put up with any bullshit. I don't think you need the bitchslap, he does.

 

[jenscats5]

What Fit Fossil says is true -- the kids are 1st & you have no say -- you can have an opinion but it may or may not be accepted...you would have to deal with that & you need to decide if you want to or not......Plus if his X is one of the women who use the kids against him or play games, etc, do you want to deal with that??

Like someone else said -- what's your gut feeling? If here is hesitation, end it now....

 

[Raina]

I agree wiht the other ladies and say trust your gut it rarely steers you wrong. Even if he is still technically married I wouldn't think there would be a problem with you visiting-- with or without the ex being there. If they're split up, he has the right to date. As does she. Though I can maybe see the kids not being open to it. If it doesn't feel right to you though, it probably isn't. Good luck!

 

[velvett]

Back off and leave him be alone.

Men get all shut off when you ask them about their feelings too much.

You have no idea as to what he may of may not be going through with the ex and it will only drive you mad to try and figure out every possible scenario.

He's either with or he is not and right now you can only wait and see what happens.

I wouldn't contact him again until you hear from him.

 

[Daisy_Girl]

I second everything this smart lady said.

Back off and leave him be alone.

Men get all shut off when you ask them about their feelings too much.

You have no idea as to what he may of may not be going through with the ex and it will only drive you mad to try and figure out every possible scenario.

He's either with or he is not and right now you can only wait and see what happens.

I wouldn't contact him again until you hear from him.

 

[Werd]

What Velvett said.

I have screwed up in this arena in the past BIGTIME. There is no rhyme or reason to a man. When he wants to pull away - let him. Period, no questions asked. REGARDLESS of why he is pulling away - LET HIM.

If I had a dime for every guy that pursued me out the wazoo when I told them no for months, then went running with their tales between their legs once I let them catch me - Oy veh!

It is not about you.... It is about them.

Make yourself busy and leave him be. You will only make your life miserable with thoughts of this.

Easier said then done, but trust the women on this... leave it be.

 

[PHATchik]

What Velvett said.

I have screwed up in this arena in the past BIGTIME. There is no rhyme or reason to a man. When he wants to pull away - let him. Period, no questions asked. REGARDLESS of why he is pulling away - LET HIM.

If I had a dime for every guy that pursued me out the wazoo when I told them no for months, then went running with their tales between their legs once I let them catch me - Oy veh!

It is not about you.... It is about them.

Make yourself busy and leave him be. You will only make your life miserable with thoughts of this.

Easier said then done, but trust the women on this... leave it be.

I've screwed up one too many times in this area myself. Guys don't look at things the way we do, and if you're not careful, you'll push him away for good. I don't agree with you being strung along, but I guess these ladies are right. Just leave him be. That's incredibly hard to do, and I've never been able to manage it myself although I wish to God that I had, but maybe you can.

 

[elle]

Oh I've already done the "leave him be" thing - now he's freaking because he realizes I'm really serious that it's over. He did come out and say that "getting back together talks" with the soon-to-be ex did resume so... c ya! If a man will do it once to you, he'll do it twice... and I know I deserve better.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for your kind words in this thread. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I was away licking the salt from my wounds!

-Elle

 

[velvett]

Oh I've already done the "leave him be" thing - now he's freaking because he realizes I'm really serious that it's over.
-Elle

Well, in that case it's time to move on.

 

[Werd]

Oh I've already done the "leave him be" thing - now he's freaking because he realizes I'm really serious that it's over. He did come out and say that "getting back together talks" with the soon-to-be ex did resume so... c ya! If a man will do it once to you, he'll do it twice... and I know I deserve better.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for your kind words in this thread. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I was away licking the salt from my wounds!

-Elle

*thunderous applause*

YOU GO GIRL!

 

[PHATchik]

Good for you. Sorry it didn't work out though. BUT you deserve much better.

 

[SoKlueles]

To make a long story short, men are liars and cheats

 

[elle]

I don't think they are all bad - but that'd be because I have a great dad, brothers and guy friends who rock!

Too bad I haven't found a good match for me yet... but I'm not going to let one jackass stop me. Not my fault he couldn't see what a good catch I was... he needs some new glasses! LOL

-Elle

 

[SoKlueles]

amen sister. i could tell u a story bout guys that choose bad relationships...thats why men suck lol i think im gonna be a nun....






well after this weekend

 

[Werd]

I don't think they are all bad - but that'd be because I have a great dad, brothers and guy friends who rock!

Too bad I haven't found a good match for me yet... but I'm not going to let one jackass stop me. Not my fault he couldn't see what a good catch I was... he needs some new glasses! LOL

-Elle

WERD

 

[Sassy69]

"Almost x and kids" = married w/ children.

 

[L_Seven]

Back off and leave him be alone.

Men get all shut off when you ask them about their feelings too much.

You have no idea as to what he may of may not be going through with the ex and it will only drive you mad to try and figure out every possible scenario.

He's either with or he is not and right now you can only wait and see what happens.

I wouldn't contact him again until you hear from him.

This is the sort of advice that I needed to hear/read (as well as heed)
several weeks ago... My heart goes out to you, elle-
but- just as is for me- it is time to move on...
"brary chick" in PA