Body image issues and disorders

[nefertiti]

Body dysmorphia. Anorexia. Bulimia. Compulsive overeaters. Excessive exercisers. Everything in between.

We live in a society where women are plagued by disorders that distort their sense of self worth based on how they view their bodies. Our minds continue the cycle by distorting images, obsessing over numbers, and becoming addicted and reliant to the cycles. It's all that much more prevalent in fields where the body is a focal point.

I start this thread as someone who has battled with eating disorders for years, and bulimia for the last six. I found elite because I was seeking another answer. I was tired of hating my body, I was tired of throwing up, I wanted to find another answer, a healthy answer. I found it here amongst this women's forum. I found guidance, and compassion. The lasting legacy of that is to pass it down to others.

I know there are some who are too scared to speak out, and that's ok. I speak for you now. But I want to sticky this thread in case others feel brave and want to share their story. And I am stickying it also in case others want someone to talk to, so they know I am always here, and I understand, and i will be whatever you need me to be. An ear, a friend, a motivator, a confidant.

And let me reassure you that if anything said here ever gets mentioned elsewhere or used to harass you I will personally see to it that this person is banned. This is your safe place if you choose to post publicly. (which i encourage...not just for your sake, but for others who might read our posts and be comforted). if you choose not to, then just here as a friend should you ever need me.

 

[ironwings]

Thanks for sharing Nef. By telling your story you could help another identify their disorder (or for many, addiction as well).

I personally fight everyday to not be obsessed with calories, macros, and my weight on the scale. It is so easy to do so, and can become all consuming. I am in the field full time and my body impacts my business. I have to be aware and in the present as much as possible to not allow a deeply collective disorder leak out. If this means I carry 20% bodyfat instead of 15% - ok. My clients see me as real. It is more important that I am strong, healthy, and extremely happy. I even sometimes get defensive when someone talks to me about tracking my food or counting macros. I understand how important it can be for my goals but I also know how I posses addictive behaviors that completely take me over. Matter of fact, when I am aware I am becoming obsessed, I turn off from anything fitness related. I have to "cleanse" myself. To top all of that my partner is also in the business and works with and see's lots of women. He is flooded with images everyday. I have to remind myself constantly that it isn't about my body but rather our deep connection. Each one of us are so beautiful and real in our own ways - thank goodness.

I know all to well so many lose their battle with the fight. I grew up experiencing addictions of others and am aware of the deep seated possibility of my own. Two important things that I have learned:

1. Disidentify with the person you think you should be. That person is separate from who you are. As long as you hold on to that, your confidence and awareness are distorted.
2. Be aware and present in every moment. Be aware when the obsessions come about. Even when you can't control them, simply being aware that they are happening is a step in the journey.

Thank you so much for opening this up. It is truly important and I hope cleansing for you as well. Your post was so well written.

 

[Cutiebaby]

Excellent thread sticky Nef.
The postings in this thread will be a great aide for the women on this site as it will help them understand and possibly identify as well as relate to some of the problems that many women face.
I truly think that you did a great job with this thread!


Well about me, I have always been a rather small girl. I am currently weighing in around 100 lbs possibly less, I don't go on the scale unless medically needed. I think one of my main issues as to why I am small is the fact that I eat only 1 actual meal a day. Most days I eat a small meal at lunch, a normal dinner, and a snack before bed. For me there is no way that I can eat 6 small meals or even 3 a day for that matter.
When I was 15 years old I was admitted to the hospital for anorexia. I went many years not wanting to look like the rest of my family (what my impression of fat was), not to mention I was a teenager and my looks mattered to me. I survived off of eating about 5 saltine crackers here and there with liquids. I would not eat food, I could not eat food. I had this notion that by not eating I would some how become the skinny waisted big breasted girl that was in magazines!!
I do not suffer from anorexia any longer, though I suffer the consequences. I have conditioned myself to not need to eat, to not feel hungry, and to feel stuffed when I eat a normal sized plate of food. My stomach is not that of a normal person, a cup of coffee fills me up until the next meal.
I am still conscious of my looks and am afraid of becoming too heavy. However I have come along way from where I was at a younger age. I now grasp the concepts of how to lose the weight if added, and how to eat better to protect myself from the weight, etc. With the help of women here and also my husband I know that there are options if needed.

 

[nefertiti]

Thanks to you both for posting up. In my life I have gone through the full spectrum. I have starved myself, I have calorie counted and weighed myself three times a day, I have barely eaten and thrown up, and I have binged and thrown up. I've also worked out ridiculously hard and not eaten nearly enough to compensate for it, and gone months without a period as a result.

I think it's important to have this here, have this out in the open, and take some of the shame out of it. I have had guys here tell me that they also suffer from dysmorphia, though the opposite where they see themselves as smaller than they are. The more I heard that the more I realized how easily passion can turn into an unhealthy obsession. The more we focus, nit pick, and concentrate on perfecting our bodies, the more risk we are at having this become a crutch, having our sense of self with be tied to those tiny imperfections that probably only we can see.

 

[debij]

Well, I think I'll join this conversation... hesitated for a few minutes but my story is a little different. I was always the skinny kid in the family and into my teen years stayed thin. Married very young (16) because I was pregnant. A long story short the guy I married was young too and wanted everything and everyone else out there. So, no matter how much I tried to gain a few pounds in the hopes they'd make my boobs bigger, to losing the weight because he then saw "rolls"nothing worked. Mind you, during this time I never went over 116 & I'm 5ft5in. Its not quite an eating disorder I'm discussing but trying everything I could do to make changes to my body in order to please someone else. Several years ago I really started piling on the pounds, hair was falling out, periods were a mess... I had hypothyroidism. It took 6 months before the doctors could figure out the correct dose of Synthroid for me. Instead of having an understanding, sympathetic husband all he saw was the extra weight. I guess the whole point of my story is I feel I am always trying to look better, change this/change that for others especially him. I thought, "if I change this or do that" there wont be any issues. Now, he is totally paraylzed and an amputee, so he's stuck with me no matter what!!
P.S. After getting my thyroid straight and coming to EF and learning some things I'm down to a weight & size I'm happy with. Thanks for listening ladies!!

 

[nefertiti]

Thanks for sharing!! This isn't just for people with classified disorders, but for anyone who has ever had any kind of issues with their bodies. I definitely went through a nightmare of dating someone who made me more ill by the way he handled what I was doing to myself. he felt my problems were because of him (he WAS in fact my biggest trigger, but they started before he came into the picture), and he let the guilt make him angry. So when I wanted to get help and get better, he got angry and selfish. If I wanted to see a therapist and it was taking time away from him, he sulked (knowing it would cause me to cave in). In his mind I should have just been able to "get better" by the power of my own will and in the end, leaving him was a matter of knowing that I could never get healthy while I was still with him.

I'm glad you've shifted the focus to being happy with yourself rather than abusing your body for someone else.

 

[cindylou]

I cant relate to eating disorders because I've never had one but I know that its not about being thin and looking good.

I would say that was my ultimate superficial goal, looking good, feeling good about myself, and being "at peace" with my body. Which I never found btw....

What I can say is that most of my memorable life I've had disordered eating and disordered body image for sure. After years of super restrictive dieting, I found elitefitness in 2003 and began to eat more healthy, but the disordered eating didnt stop. It got to a point where I considered certain foods "righteous" and other foods "sinful". I made dieting and FOOD my religion when I needed something else in my life. No wonder I was never happy. I was filling a hole that could only be filled with one thing, but it wasnt fitness or dieting. I wish I could feel confident saying that its over since I changed my attitude and my heart almost two years ago, but being pregnant has filled my head with all kinds of crazy thoughts and new self esteem issues that I hadnt felt since I was an early teen. I mean, Im gonna get FAT. Will my husband still love me? Its always a struggle for balance but I'd like to think Im heading in the right direction: healthy, happy and free.

 

[nefertiti]

Cindy...I understand how you feel...it's one of the main worries I had at first, and one of the worries I've always had about getting pregnant. Aside from the hormones, how would I deal with the changes in my body? And I know what it's like to feel like food is running your life.

Again, this isn't a thread just for eating disorders. Please please post up if you ever need to vent about how you're feeling, worries you may have, whatever you need to get off your chest.

 

[Thandie]

What a terrific thread you have started, Nef and I commend you for that, as well as everyone else who had the courage of posting. This will give you more power!

I have never had an eating disorder (God knows I should have).
As a child, I was extremely skinny. If anyone is old enough here; I looked like tweegy from the 70's. I was constantly being made fun of and ridicule on a daily basis. My mother in the meantime was forced feeding me, but nothing really worked. As a result I grew up with some kind of relationship with food. Instead of starving, I ended up obsessed with 'getting my meals in'. I spend most of my life trying to gain weight and after turning, I believe was 47, I accepted who I was and not who I was trying to become. I learned through this whole process that took me 52 years, that I like better who I am, so much more then the woman who I thought was more attractive.
I am still shocked I became a model and nutritionist, considering the experience I had with food as a child and friends and family not finding me attractive for being too thin. But I always say, things don't happen by accident and God knows what he does.

I will always have a very close relationship with food. I have been conditioned to do that from the time I was a todler. Now that I compete, I'm always trying to gain muscles, but, I think that's as a result of spending a lifetime trying to gain weight. The body dysmorphia shows up in a different way, doesn't it..

 

[nefertiti]

Thanks for posting thandie...

The dysmorphia of imagining yourself as smaller than you are is definitely also a huge issue in the body building and fitness world, and it can still involve a time consuming fixation on food, training, and so on.

My relationship with food has been gradually worsening the last two months. before i found out I was pregnant I was preciously close to a relapse. And once I lost the baby, it seemed like my mind and body went right back to that awful place. The closest to healthy I've been was when i was regularly lifting, so I've determined I really need to get back to that while I still have the awareness to make those steps.

 

[debij]

I am and I'm sure many others are so sorry for the loss of your baby Nef. It may sound so chiche' to say you will be in my thoughts and prayers, but its hard to find the right words to say when something like this happens. We deal with so much "stuff" in life and at times it seems the unhappy times override the happy times. If you can dig deep inside of you and pull out that woman who has faced other difficult issues, then you'll be on your way to better feelings. We women here on EF will stand behind you and just know that!! Know that anyone of us could be in an "unhappy" place but we are here for one another. Wish I could say more to make you feel better.... I will be here for you, as I know you'd be for me. You are a precious gem on this Earth. Always remember that!

 

[Thandie]

I am sitting behind my desk in front of my mac with a blackberry and Iphone on each side and all I kept thinking while doing some work was similar to what Debi just said. I recently had the pleasure of being on a conference call with you, Nef among other great people and in the past couple of days I was able to see, within some challenging moments we lived through, what an extraordinary person you are. You're so caring and compassionate that I can only wish the very best and happiness to you. You are a gem to us here and I'm sure to your family and friends as well. I am also sorry you've lost your baby and I also wish I can say something to make it better, but I don't think I can.
Thank you for making a difference!

 

[cindylou]

*sniff* We love you Nef!

 

[Tatyana]

Nef, I am sorry to hear that you lost the baby.

Debij, I am sorry to hear that your husband is now disabled.

How ironic is it that while I was growing up I really wanted to be one of those super skinny girls and I hated my big arms and legs.

I used to have a very bad diet, emotional and bored eater until I was around 22. I have been quite a fattie and lost loads of weight.

Right now I am quite chubby, but instead of hating my body I have been enjoying the curves.

I do think I am quite lucky as my set body weight is lower and I have a lot of muscle which helps me take off the extra body fat fairly quickly.

I have come to realise that I am quite rubbish at telling what I look like, so there have been numerous occasions where I have been really lean but thought I was still fat, or when I am chubby but don't see it.

Photography and compassionately honest mates are a fantastic asset.

 

[nangiggles]

Wow, I'm new here but I am so glad to see this thread here, since I believe it is a VERY important aspect considering body image is a main discussion of the board and the distorion of it can be VERY dangerous, I had a mild presentation of an eating disorder but reversed to what is common, most people talk about anorexia, blumia, vigorexia, etc mine was actually compulsive eating disorder, I wou;d eat anything or everything I could, excluding veggies and fruit of course.... one has such a craving for food I made myself a "sandwich" consisting of white bread, chocolate cake frosting and whipcream on the top sprikled with rice Krispies I'm 5"1 and was 185 pounds..... I was going through a relationship which was very tormenting, my ex-boyfriend was pathologically jealous and I wouldn't even leave the house so he wouldn't think I was seeing someone.... when we broke up I decided to start swimming and walking and in the first month of leaving him I managed to lose over 20 pounds in less than a month, a huge burden was lifted off me since I no longer had the anxiety that made me eat so much....

Distortion works so diferently in each mind, contrary to anorexia where thin people see themselves overweight, I would look at myself in the mirror and think that if I just sucked in my gut/belly I looked skinny and despite my family's effort for me to excersize, eat lean or lose weight I was convinced I wasn't that overweight.... now I see the pictures and I get terrified of how obese I was.... the stretch marks all over my body due to the constant weight shift are my reminder of what happened.....

 

[nefertiti]

nan,

With my bulimia, I'd do the same sort of thing during my "binges"...I'd just purge afterwards. And like you, a lot of it had to do with a poisonous relationship I was in. I'm so glad you found your way here, the women here will help you feel great about yourself and improve your health in body and mind. Please PM me if you ever need anything.

I found an interesting article about a newly explored sort of eating disorder for which people in this lifestyle might benefit increased awareness. It's basically an obsessive awareness of the cleanness and healthiness of your diet.

Health Food Junkie--Orthorexia Nervosa, the New Eating Disorder

 

[nangiggles]

Wow, thnx for the welcome and for the info, I'm a psychologist and of course always have to be reading and watching out for news to keep up to date, I knew about health food junkies but they were mostly considered obssesive, I see they are now trying to shift it into an eating disorder category (which of course makes a whole lot more of sense), very good info, thnx!

 

[Tatyana]

Wow, thnx for the welcome and for the info, I'm a psychologist and of course always have to be reading and watching out for news to keep up to date, I knew about health food junkies but they were mostly considered obssesive, I see they are now trying to shift it into an eating disorder category (which of course makes a whole lot more of sense), very good info, thnx!

Cool, I am doing a BA in psychology right now. I think you will also find Ariel quite interesting, he is doing his Master's in psychology.

 

[nangiggles]

No wonder he totally analized me in one of the chats jaja, he caught me off guard ^_^ my PhD study is in Neuropsychology so I haven't analized personality I quite a while....

 

[debij]

Nef, I am sorry to hear that you lost the baby.

Debij, I am sorry to hear that your husband is now disabled.

How ironic is it that while I was growing up I really wanted to be one of those super skinny girls and I hated my big arms and legs.

I used to have a very bad diet, emotional and bored eater until I was around 22. I have been quite a fattie and lost loads of weight.

Right now I am quite chubby, but instead of hating my body I have been enjoying the curves.

I do think I am quite lucky as my set body weight is lower and I have a lot of muscle which helps me take off the extra body fat fairly quickly.

I have come to realise that I am quite rubbish at telling what I look like, so there have been numerous occasions where I have been really lean but thought I was still fat, or when I am chubby but don't see it.

Photography and compassionately honest mates are a fantastic asset.

Tat,
Gosh, we all have some type of issue with ourself, dont we? I always look around at other people & think I'd love to look like that or have that body part. It never seems we realize that the people we are admiring might be having their own insecurities. I've wanted "boobs" forever cause I'm small but with the care & lifting I do with my husband and my work, the time to heal properly is something I dont have right now.
I want to thank you for sharing your inner thoughts and feelings. I look at those pictures and imagine the woman in them is full of pride & confidence. I will tell you this... I love to look at the inside of someone. For me, the inside of Tat has been kind and welcoming to me. That makes you beautiful in my book!!
Even when I am around men, if there's a heavy man in the crowd and he's laughing, and just has "that something" about him, I'll keep my eye on him for awhile much sooner than a really good looking guy with a bad attitude. Not saying alll good looking men have bad attitudes - I just mean that sometimes the "different" looking people are overlooked by our desire to have someone beautiful/handsome by our side.
Right now, I'll watch a couple & its obvious by their body language they're mad at each other. I'd like to go up to them and say, 'how would you feel if you never heard him/her speak again' or 'how would you feel never to have her/him hold you again'...
things are hard in all relationships, I know that but from what I've gone through & continue to go through, I wish I could "wake up everyone" and make them realize we never know when something is going to be taken away from us.
One thing I'd like to ask, whether its hope, or prayer, or just spirituality you all practice I need something... soon my husband's other leg will need to be taken & at that time its a decision to do it or use 'comfort measures' only. So please help me with some positive energy!
I know I went way off-topic, thinking aloud I guess. Thanks to all of you who have posted your stories and also helped make me feel welcome at EF.
Peace,
debi

 

[nefertiti]

Just wanted to link this thread by tat so it didn't get lost as a resource:

http://www.elitefitness.com/forum/w...g-training/stop-starving-yourself-644219.html

 

[nefertiti]

Beauty Mark

Beauty Mark presents an alarming, infuriating, and at times humorous look at the myriad of forces that shape our perceptions of beauty.

At age 28, Diane Israel stepped down from her career as one of the world’s top women triathletes. Competing since she was 14, her body finally collapsed under the extreme physical pressures required of professional athletes. Though sports had been her life, Diane switched gears, went back to school, and became a psychotherapist.

In her new role, Diane heard a multitude of stories from patients, each more shocking than the last, of the lengths they would go in order to achieve the “perfect body.” To understand this heartfelt desire for physical perfection at any cost, Diane set out to explore the broader context of culture and the business of beauty in America. What she discovers over the course of her journey his frighteningly close to home.

The film follows Diane as she speaks with champion athletes, body builders, fashion models, burn victims, and inner city teens on their experiences and insights relating to self-image. Notable luminaries such as playwright Eve Ensler, author Paul Campos, and cultural critic Naomi Wolf provide commentary. Woven throughout is Diane’s relationship with her family, for whom maintaining the façade of a picture-perfect household mean everything.

 

[nefertiti]

Thanks for taking the time and effort to share that, BM...

 

[shirlene29]

I am 100% body dysmorphic

I have a very serious problem seeing my size for what it actually is in either direction and can't seem to get around it.
A brief hx on me, up until 3 years ago I never never never had a problem with my weight/bf % I had naturally low bf and always above average muscle.
Even then I had a problem with my size. I always felt I was big and awkward but not overweight. I am truly just a thick girl and always will be. I'm 5' 8" and am taller than a lot of women I know. This always made me feel big. My wrists (with prominent bones and tendons) are 7 3/4 inches around. I hate buying watches. The body building set can probably appreciate the aggravation I've always had with womens tops. The sleeves usually rip out on them because my upper arms are large compared to the rest of me.
That was before baby number 3. For some reason with my last daughter besides quitting smoking (weight gain number one but awesome for me and the baby) I decided I would give in to every single whim of a craving. I ate Burger King like they may go under some time soon, finished it off with my two favorite men Ben and Jerry and would frequently eat any low to high end chocolate I could get my hot little hands on. Needless to say, maternity clothes didn't fit me by the time I was 6 months pregnant.

I have spent the last two years working on getting my bodyfat down from 34% to 24% but I still only see the 34% and refuse to buy clothes anywhere but goodwill/savers because "one day I'll be thin again"
Ive ranged from starving myself only to binge, to counting every single macro and calorie to saying fuck it 2 weeks in and binging again.
I'm getting married again in september in hawaii . And though I haven't seen real physical exercise since the army I jumped into p90x after numerous failed attempts at going back to the gym. I can't handle the gym because of the mirrors. I took down every mirror in the house.
I'd love to get below 20% bf again but I just don't know when i'll ever see it again.
I have pcos and some very very weird issues with my thyroid.
I would be thrilled for someone to ask me if I played softball again (a question I was always asked that i used to be insulted by) I'd be thrilled to have the forearms I had when I worked as a mechanic years ago. Hell I'd be happy to be called a dyke again for looking so "butch". But even though everyone tells me I've come a long way, all I see is the woman with little baby in the pictures holding the child up like some sort of shield for pictures.
I sobbed when I saw pictures of myself in my new wedding dress. And truth be told i don't look that bad but I don't recognize the person I am anymore.
I started smoking again last year because I wanted to eat less. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food so dialing in my diet is playing with fire for me.

My old "bloat" days pants fit again but I won't wear em out because it can't be true.
I implore all women to pay attention to their health, not a number on a scale.
I just wish my image of myself would improve so I would be comfortable in my own skin but i dont think that'll ever really happen because when I was tight and buff i was unhappy with not being a skinny fat twig that could wear a size 0.
God help me

 

[LilaWebber4646]

First of all, I want to say thank you for this forum. This is such a great place where we can talk about things that we can't talk about anywhere else. I know I've never been comfortable talking about issues, but having this safe place, I feel like I'm going to start.

When I was 12, I was extremely overweight. I was 5 and a half feet and 165 pounds. Over the course of 10 months (I was 13) , I gained 1 full inch, and was down to 106 pounds. I felt so great and healthy, and had lost all the weight healthily. Before losing the weight, I didn't really have many friends because I had terrible self esteem and would often just sulk alone. My family seemed embarrassed by me, I always felt like a burden to everyone. After losing the weight however, kids in school started talking to me, telling me I was pretty, being super friendly. My family seemed proud of me and I often heard my dad bragging about me to his friends. You would think that all this positive attention would make me feel great and recognize that I was fine the way I was but it didn't. Instead I got this idea in my mind that people would only like me if I was thin, and I didn't see myself as thin anymore. All I wanted was to be accepted. I started counting calories and overexcersising to lose weight. I thought that eating an egg was too many calories so I purged it up. My weight sropped to 98 pounds, whcih was still in the healthy range, but my parents were worried. They started asking me why I was still losing weight and watched me eat at dinner. They didn't know I was purging afterwards. Things slowly started to get better, my weight went back to 102. I know I should be happy, but I can't. I'm 14 now and I still constantly wish to be thinner and go back to those times when everyone was proud of me and loved me for who I was. Now I constantly feel judged and people at school have gone back to their friends, and it feels like nothings changed. All I want is to be accepted, but I still feel like I can't until I'm thinner. I look in the mirror and hate the way I look. I just think that if I was skinnier and prettier people would love me again. I didn't use to feel this way. I wish it would go away. Can anyone give me some advice?

(p.s. I'm sorry for posting in this thread when I'm only 14, and it's more of an adult-like thread, but I thought it could be useful to get some help from those who've been through this. I don't think I have an ED, but I just can't seem to love my body. Thanks.)

 

[cindylou]

sweetie :hug: I can't help with the eating disorder part but just wanted to throw something out there maybe you didn't realize; the only way for things to get better is to stop looking to people outside yourself to feel good about yourself. You can not control what other people think about you but you can control how you feel about yourself. Self confidence is just that self confidence! You don't want to depend on others for your own self-image and confidence. Trust me. That path is the wrong path and it ends up in a bad place. I know you think that you can stay on that path and somehow avoid that destination, but I'm telling you right now that you can't. What path are you on right now? Get on another path that leads to a destination outside of despair and wasted oh so precious time on worthless things.

Being at a healthy weight is one thing and everyone should be healthy but anything outside of that that starts to cause worry is a WASTE of your precious life. Life is too short to even waste a year of it being obsessing about food and your appearance. You are young! Enjoy your life! One day you will be old (and it will be here sooner than you think) and you won't be able to taste food, or be able to exercise. Who cares about people that won't be friends with you because of your appearance! Spend time cultivating relationships with people that love you for who you are. Don't waste your youth. Now is the time to seize the day and enjoy your life, not worrying about things that don't matter in the long run. Life is short. Enjoy it.

 

[jjtt]

I just noticed this thread.
I have a long history of disordered body image and eating. I put myself on my first diet when I was ten, and I wrote it all down in a little notebook. Looking back at it I wonder where I got those ideas. i would list my calorie intake and water intake, and label the day as "good" or "bad". I also began to steal Dexatrim at that time.
The thing is, I was never fat. I'm not fat now- I will probably never be fat or even overwieght.
I just can't then and now seem to see the correct reflection in the mirror. I can see what is correct in photographs though, and it bothers me when I can't see what I really look like in the mirror. All I can see is segments of imperfection. I can never see the whole.
One thing I do know for a fact is that when calories get too restrictive, the brain reacts by getting incredibly obsessive and irrational about food. On a 400 calorie day, food is all you think about, and also your biggest fear. Planning out days in advance of how many exact calories you can have and what foods that involves is a deeply pleasurable experience because I feel virtuous somehow. The actual eating of it is unbearable because it is never enough.
I go back and forth between healthy and disordered eating, and I can only control it ironically by detailed food planning, but just including more variety and more food with no calorie counting.
Lilawebber646- you seem like a very smart young lady, and all I can suggest to you is to find activities and interests that you enjoy and that you feel empowered by. If you do sports, or join some good clubs, you will find that people just enjoy being around friendly people who aren't too hung up on themselves. Good luck to you

 

[Zaes]

Its amazing to read others stories and know that Im not alone ... for me I was always a smaller girl weighing around 120 max as an adult. Growing up I didnt have any eating disorders, but def had an image disorder. I was addicted to working out, and was on every girls team available in h.s (except b-ball). No matter what I did I always felt fat even though in h.s I weighed 107 soaking wet. My step-dad ever since I could remember has always called me fat. So Im sure thats where that comes from. Now after struggling with depression from the loss of my mother, and after having my child I am weighing around 205 at the age of 25. 3 years ago I only weighed 135. Because of my depression I have isolated myself from the outside world and have lost every friend I had. Most moved away and I never even knew they moved until someone else told me, and the others just stopped trying to talk to me since I never returned calls or texts. Nothing I own fits, I have to go around in sweats since I refuse to buy bigger clothes. I have been actively trying to lose the weight for only 1 1/2 weeks now. Ive been unhappy with my weight for a long time but lacked the motivation and energy to try to lose it. Lately, I have been feeling like my husband is less attracted to me (even tho he swears he is still and always tries to tell me I look good), but our sex life has diminished and Im not sure if its because of lack of attraction or just me feeling embarrassed about the way I look. I do feel that no matter how much weight I lose it will never be enough, any time I look in the mirror I will always find something wrong with the way I look. I hate feeling like this. Ive been working on my image by trying to look for positive things instead of negative.

 

[cindylou]

zaes, you need to tackle your depression. I hate to psychoanalyze you but from what it sounds like what you have posted about your step-dad and your weight issues you might want to tackle the emotional and psychological issues as well as the food and physical activity. Children (you) know precisely what is happening when their caretakers don't "love" them the way they ought to be loved. They know something is missing. Next time you eat when you're not hungry or you eat past full, stop for a second and think about what you were thinking when you thought about food. Give it time. Look in the mirror and love yourself. Don't let that inner devious voice tell you any different. That voice is sinister, don't negotiate, associate, or allow it to master you because it wants to destroy you.

Don't be too hard on yourself, I don't know how long ago you had a child but it takes time for everything to get back to normal after you have a kiddo. (I have a 2.5 year old)

 

[steph79]

Hey guys never had an eating disorder I was overweight for my height now a healthy weight completely obsessed with calories tho going to the gym often 2 classes in a row and weighing myself and my food sure this isn't normal!! I don't talk to my family about it because they worry!! I have 3 slim sisters and was basically fed up with being the short fat 1!! I now do eat enough am only 5ft 2 and am maintaining at 109 pounds I went as low as 105 and gained abit back 4 pounds doesn't sound like alot but when you are light it makes the difference between looking healthy and seeing ribs!! I'm aware of what I am eating if I feel I eat too much I beat myself up or up until recently even with the excersize calories ignoring them and going hungry to stay within them without using my excersize calories at all!! I now try and eat a few back never will eat them all back tho because what some app tells you you have burned off is never accurate!! Think I may have finally cracked maintaining my weight but that doesn't stop me from being abit obsessed!! Probably should delete myfitnesspal but not sure if I can do it!!