Bob's Journal entries

[BrothaBill]

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

January 1, 1999

Dear Journal,

Ah what a glorious year! It’s 1999 and I can’t believe in just 365 more days it will be another new year. But alas, I have purchased this new leatherette diary and it will soon become my best friend I am certain of that! Ah yes, my beloved journal where I will share with you all my most secretest thoughts and desires. I will begin writing that screenplay and will need your advice every so often. So I will first begin with some interesting ideas that I’m sure would make a great movie. I shall begin now, glorious diary (I mean journal – ha ha!) We’re already off to such a great start and a great, fabulous new year.

January 2, 1999

Dear Journal,

Okay, I just left for a little while because I was hungry. But now I’m back and here to fill this journal with all my thoughts and those nifty nuggets of movie ideas that have been wanting an escape for so long. Did you know I’m an accountant? Of course you didn’t, because I never told you that. I bet you’re surprised to hear that because of all my creativity and because of my writing but I am. Okay, I’m not here to tell you about my accounting because you are here for all my secret thoughts and ideas for my movie. Okay, so here goes nothing! I'm going to start writing now. Let me just get a snack.

January 7, 1999

Dear Journal,

I’m back dear journal. Sorry about that lapse. What a year it shall be! I will use this beautiful journal that I bought at the Hallmark store for nothing but all my wonderful thoughts and ideas. I will tell you everything, journal. And I can’t wait to get started. My brain is just bursting with all the ideas, swarming like…filling my head like…butterflies. That was a pretty sentence, don’t you think, journal? But I know I don’t have to impress you with all those fancy, schmancy words I plan to use here. Because you don’t care about stuff like that. So here I go. I’m just so excited by all the possibilities.

Hey, I just thought of something. Maybe someday this journal will get published, like that girl with the diary. The one where she lives with her family in the attic hiding from the Nazis. They were so happy together as she was writing in her diary, just as I am writing to you right now. We are kindred souls – me and that girl – I can’t recall her name, but the one with the diary. I remember she wasn’t really attractive and when I saw the movie I distinctly remember not wanting to have sex with her. But my diary (I mean journal, ha ha) is just like hers and she is so famous now. Maybe I can be as lucky as her. With your help I will, dear journal!

March 14, 1999

Dear Journal,

I haven’t forgotten you. I just needed to take care of some business before I could give you my full concentration. But don’t you worry. I’m here and it’s Saturday and I’m going to write you every single day from now on and tell you all my secrets and thoughts and those nifty ideas I’ve had for the screenplays I’ve been thinking about for so long. Wait, that’s my doorbell. I’ll be right back, dear friend.

March 19 1999


Dear Journal,


Please forgive me. I had to go to the doorbell that last time and it was my neighbor, Salvatore, who asked me if his cousin Enzo who is visiting could sleep on my couch next week. And then I watched some TV and I'm really sorry I didn't come back right away.

You'll be happy to know I told my neighbor that Enzo could stay with me. I’m told he's very nice and he's also from a foreign country! How exciting that I will have a houseguest. Maybe we will become the best of friends and he will teach me his native language and I’m just so excited about the possibility. Savatore tells me they don’t have room for Enzo, which seems so strange because his apartment is so much bigger than mine. But it’s okay, I secretly confess to you, my diary (I mean journal, ha ha!) that I can’t wait to meet him. It should be such a good experience and broaden my horizons. Maybe he will be one of those Latin lovers and will teach me everything he knows and our little apartment will be the place for the biggest most funnest parties ever. I can’t wait.

August 22, 1999


Dear Journal,


I am sorry, please forgive my absence but you must know I did not forget about you. I have you to express all my secretest thoughts and desires. Plus, all the ideas that are brimming endlessly in a potpourri of ...stuff in my head.

The reason for my long time away from you is that Enzo came and well actually he’s still here all these months later. I’m writing you this letter with a penlight under my blanket for fear of waking Enzo, who is sleeping next to me. I know what you’re thinking, but no, I’m not a gay man. I am happy though and gay sometimes means happy so I guess I’m sort of gay! Ha ha! That was a joke because I’m not really gay. I’m happy but not the other thing. You know what I’m saying. Anyway, Enzo wasn’t comfortable on the couch so he asked me if he could move to the bedroom a couple of months ago. Uh oh, I think I woke him. More later.

September 1, 1999


Dear Journal,


I’m sorry for the lapse since the last time we spoke. Enzo got very mad at me for waking him and he threatened to throw my beloved diary (I mean journal ha ha!) into the bathtub. Boy was I afraid. But you would have been proud of me because I took the journal and hid in the closet until he left.

Boy what a year it’s been. Enzo is now leaving the country because some police officers came over and said he had been here too long. See? I am just like the girl with the diary. I still can’t remember her name, but see how much we’re alike because didn’t the police come and take her away too. Only they didn’t take me, they took Enzo of course. I was sad to see him go because we spent so much time together and he taught me so much about life and stuff. We didn’t have all the great parties I thought we would but we did have prostitutes over and that was really exciting. See how crazy all this journal writing can be? I hope you’re not too shy to hear about prostitutes. I didn’t actually have sex with them because Enzo didn’t have enough money for both of us, but that’s okay because someday I will find my true love. Meanwhile, I will continue masturbating.

August 25, 1999


Dear Journal,


Sorry again for being away so long but now I’m back and I’m up very early before work and I can start writing that wonderful screenplay I’ve been thinking about for so long.

September 24, 1999


Dear Journal,


I’m up early and I can’t wait to get started on that new screenplay. This time I’m just exploding with thoughts because I had so many interesting dreams and I really think they will help in the writing of my new screenplay. Hold on one sec.

September 25, 1999


Dear Journal,


See I told you I would be back. Sorry about leaving so quickly but it turns out the power went out in my building and my alarm clock said it was 5am but it was really 10am. I thought I would get in a bit of trouble at work for that one but nobody seemed to notice. Have I told you about my work? I don’t think so. I am so sorry because I promised to tell you everything. So before I start putting together my movie story, I should tell you now about my work because it is such a huge, important part of my life.

October 1, 1999


Dear Journal,


I’m sorry I’ve been gone for the past week. Remember when I was trying to tell you about work? Of course you do. Well, work isn’t going that well right now but you don’t even know where I work or anything about it so I’m going to tell you right now.

October 4, 1999


Dear Journal,


Okay now I need to tell you about work because I keep getting interrupted. I’m writing to you now during my 10 minute coffee break. I know I promised to write to you each morning before I went to work but if I write to you I can’t watch Katie Couric and I really like her. Not as much as Kathy Lee Gifford but she’s my second favorite morning person and I have to admit, I want to have sex with her. But you don’t want to hear about that dear diary (I mean journal – ha ha!) You want to hear the crescendo of the raining sounds of my screenplay. That was a nice sentence wasn’t it? Well, maybe that could be the first sentence of my screenplay. See, I am getting started on my screenplay. The crescendo of the raining sounds. But I’m not sure what the raining sounds are so maybe I should put that line in later.

October 8, 1999


Dear Journal,


We got such a great start on my screenplay, I’m back so quickly to continue. I can’t wait to get going because I have such high hopes of selling it someday. I heard it’s hard to sell a screenplay so maybe I should write a book instead. Oh no, I’ve put so much thought into the screenplay, what if it’s better to write a book instead? I’m not sure what to do. I have to go right now, my boss just came in and I think I’m in trouble.

October 10, 1999


Dear Journal,


I was going to tell you about work but I forgot. So what do you want to know? Just kidding. I just got in trouble so I should probably just tell you everything. I work at Septicorp. It’s a really big company and I’m lucky because it’s just a few blocks from my apartment. I’m an accountant for them, but you already knew that. The company is really good and they make septic tanks and supplies for all around the world. Wanna hear a slogan I wrote in my head for my company? WE’VE BEEN TAKING YOUR CRAP FOR THE PAST 50 YEARS. Isn’t that hilarious? I told my coworkers that and most of them thought it was really funny, but my boss didn’t think it was appropriate because I used the word, crap. I think she’s kind of a bitch, but I can tell you all that stuff without getting in trouble, can’t I, dear diary (I mean journal ha ha!)

October 12, 1999


Dear Journal,


She really is a bitch. A fucking bitch. I know that’s pretty vulgar but listen to this. She told all the supervisors about my slogan idea for the company and they wrote me up for it. I was told it was not just inappropriate but she also told me I could be sued for sexual harassment because potty jokes are considered sexual. I tried to argue that saying crap has nothing to do with sex or harassment but she told me that in some places in Asia, people take craps on each other during sex. I didn’t believe her but she showed me pictures. It’s really, really disgusting by the way. I apologized to her but I still think she’s a bitch.

October 15, 1999


Dear Journal,


How are you? I’m fine. Things at work are the same. I’m sitting in my cubicle playing Freecell and looking busy whenever someone walks by. I’m not in trouble at work anymore. In fact, there’s this new girl who works in shipping and she’s really hot and I really want to ask her out on a date. But now I’m afraid of sexually harassing her so I’m not sure what to do. I desperately want to tell her about the book and/or screenplay I’ve been working on, but I don’t know how to approach her. But I need to get back to my book and/or screenplay now because I really want to have completed a first draft in a few weeks. Hang on, that’s my phone.

October 18, 1999


Dear Journal,


Well, I was all ready to go approach that girl in shipping. Her name is Kim Soo. For some reason she reminds me of Madonna, but I’m not sure why. She’s really hot and boy do I want to …okay yes journal, I want to have sex with her very, very badly. There, are you happy? I said it, okay. So stop prying so much in my personal life! Geez!

 

[BrothaBill]

October 19, 1999


Dear Journal,


I’m sorry I got upset with you last time. I’m just sooooo in love with Kim Soo from shipping. She’s so damn hot and it’s been really hard for me to get work done because I’m thinking about her all day. In fact I have a boner right now. That reminds me, I need to get a padlock for this journal. It’s getting so racy lately and I wouldn’t want anyone reading it. Anyway, enough about Kim Soo because I need to get crackin’ on the book and/or screenplay. Where did we leave off? Something about a crescendo of rain. Or sounds of rain and – I can’t remember because I can’t stop thinking about Kim Soo! Sheesh!

October 22, 1999


Dear Journal,


This is it. It’s happened. The big one. I am about to explode all over my desk. Not that way, you pervert! I’m excited because I just found out that Septicorp is going to have a Halloween party and I think it would be a perfect time to make my moves on Kim Soo. Oh Kim Soo, she’s so pretty. I was going to write last night but I watched La Bamba on home video. Did you know that Ritchie Valens had a famous song called Oh Donna? I think I’m going to buy it because I now know how he feels. I wonder if Donna had big knockers like my Kim Soo. I’d be curious to know. Uh oh, there’s the boner again. I sure hope it’s gone by 3pm. I have an important meeting with Phil from the collections department.

October 29, 1999


Dear Journal,


Okay, I’m in big trouble. I don’t have anything to wear for the Halloween party and I’m still too chicken to ask Kim Soo if she’s going and if so, if I could be her escort. I need to think of a good line that will get her sweaty for me. I’m thinking about telling her about my book and/or screenplay I’m working on but what if she asks me about it. I’m just now getting started on it and I won’t have an answer for her. She might think I’m lying and I’m just another dumb accountant trying to get in her pants. What would Enzo have done?

October 30, 1999

Dear Journal,


Well, I did it! You can be very proud of me dear diary (I mean journal ha ha!) I went up to Kim Soo and first I pretended that I was lost in the shipping department. Then she came over to try and help me and I introduced myself. She’s so nice and I know for sure I’m in love with her. There was a slight language problem because English isn’t her first language but she laughed when I mentioned the “international language of love” thing that Enzo taught me a few months back. Turns out she wasn’t even interested in my book and/or screenplay. I told her about it and she didn’t ask me any questions. I’m relieved for sure about that. You should have seen me – I summoned all my courage and asked her if she wanted to attend the party with me. She said, she might!! Can you believe that one? She told me if her other plans fall through she’d see me there for sure! Now I have to figure out what the hell I’m going to dress up as for the Halloween Party. Big trouble.

October 31, 1999


Dear Journal,


Today is Halloween and I’m really screwed. All the costumes at the store were sold because it’s so late and I don’t know what I’m going to do. They were such assholes at the store and I told them if they ever needed a last minute accountant, they could just forget about me. That seemed to do the trick. I think maybe I can make a costume at home. After all, I’m a very creative writer who can easily think of a clever last-minute costume. Don’t worry, I’ll start working on my book and/or screenplay right after Halloween. I’m sure my date experience will help because I read in a writing book that life experiences are the support beams that hold up a house or story or whatever. I didn’t actually read the book but it said that on the back cover. Wish me luck, friend!

November 15, 1999


Dear Journal,


I’m sitting at home in my underwear. I told my boss I was sick. More like drunk. I hate Kim Soo. I hate Halloween. I’m never going to another party ever again. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE BITCH DIE!!!!!!

November 17, 1999


Dear Journal,


I’m feeling a little better today. I went back to work and Kim Soo said hello so maybe I don’t really want her to die. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about the party. Kim Soo actually showed up. She looked beautiful in her Jesus of Nazareth costume. I ended up putting a pillow under my shirt and saying I was the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I even had the funny teeth. I’m still wearing them right now because I used the wrong glue to hold them in place. Anyway, she came to the party and looked beautiful as Jesus just like I said. It probably would have been great but Phil (from collections) got his meat hooks into her before I ever had the chance. He danced with her the whole time and I just sat at the table getting drunk. Every once in awhile she would look over towards me, but then I found out she just has a lazy eye. I hate Phil from collections. He knew I liked Kim Soo but went after her anyway. I hope he falls in a well and dies!

November 21, 1999


Dear Journal,


Another holiday season is coming up and I have no plans for Thanksgiving. I’ll probably just sit in my underwear and watch TV like I do every year. I’m still in love with Kim Soo and she’s still sooo very beautiful. We talk almost everyday now. Wanna know how I finally got her to talk to me? I act real sad and upset when I walk by. She then asks me what’s wrong. Then I tell her how hard I’ve been working on my book and/or screenplay. It really works. She genuinely cares about me. She told me she wants to read what I’ve written so far and that it might help her English. So now I really need to get cracking on this thing.

December 5, 1999


Dear Journal,


Things are going well with Kim Soo and me. I think I’m finally going to ask her out on a real date. I’m just worried about Phil from collections because he’s been eying her too. Everytime I try and do my pouting, sad act, Phil comes from nowhere and starts talking to her. He thinks he’s so cool because he can speak Chinese. I hate his friggin guts.

December 12, 1999


Dear Journal,


I want to kill myself. Phil from collections asked Kim Soo out right in front of me. He’s such a jerk. The pouty look didn’t even work. I stood there for an hour with a big sad look on my face but she only glanced at me once or twice with her lazy eye. I think she’s in love with Phil. I’m going home and getting drunk.

December 17, 1999


Dear Journal,


Do you know what? It’s almost the year 2000. I never even gave it much thought but we are about to enter a new millennium. People are talking about it and I see stuff about it on TV. It’s so exciting. I think maybe Kim Soo will be my girlfriend in the new millennium. What do you think? Sorry I’ve been so remiss about working on my book and/or screenplay. I think I should start fresh in the new year. Right now all I can think about is how much I love Kim Soo and how much I want Phil from collections to die.

December 18, 1999


Dear Journal,


This is the greatest day of my life. You’re not going to believe this but Phil from collections came to see me today. We had a meeting about some mistakes I made in the accounting books and he asked me how I felt about Kim Soo. I admitted how much I loved her and guess what? He told me that he thought she loved me as well! He said that she talks about me every time they go out on a date. He told me that sometimes, after he makes sweet sweet love to her, she says she’d like to invite me over for a dinner party! I know, I couldn’t believe it myself. Kim Soo does love me!

 

[BrothaBill]

December 19, 1999


Dear Journal,


I’m getting a bit worried about this upcoming millennium. I bought this book about Y2K and all these horrible things that are supposed to happen. I didn’t actually finish the book, but I did read the back cover and it said there won’t just be a computer glitch, but something much more. I need to do more research on the subject. I’m obviously very scared because I just wet the bed. I really need to jumpstart this relationship with Kim Soo. We may just have a short time left on Earth and I want to have as much sex as possible before that happens. I wonder if Chinese girls have sex like American girls. Why am I asking you this – you’re just a stupid journal.

December 20, 1999


Dear Journal,


Sorry about that. I apologize. I’m just getting really nervous. I just bought three books by Nostradamus that Phil from collections recommended. I am very, very worried that a doomsday comet will sweep down on the Earth and the explosions from the comet will cause nuclear reactors to burst and countries around the globe will launch nuclear missiles by mistake which will set a chain reaction ending in the total destruction of life as we know it. I read all that from the back cover. I really need to start reading this shit.

December 22, 1999

Dear Journal,

Phil from collections is my new best friend. He’s been so informative with all the information on Nostradamus and all the Y2K stuff. He’s actually invited me to a special meeting at the community center to discuss what, if anything, all of us can do. I should mention that I asked Kim Soo on a real date for this evening. SHE SAID YES!!!! If only we weren’t all going to die. I take solace in knowing that I will have steady sex in the afterworld with my true love.

December 23, 1999


Dear Journal,


My date with Kim Soo couldn’t have gone better. We attended the meeting with Phil and his friends. They are all very nice and it's some kind of weird Church but they don't worship God, they worship this really hairy guy that looks a bit like Charles Manson. Apparently the two of them have been members for a long time. When it was my turn to speak, I told the group that I wished I hadn’t saved all my money all these years because now all that cash is just sitting in the bank when I could’ve used it to go on vacations and buy cars and live life to the fullest. Now we’re all going to die and I will never get to use that enormous rainy day fund that I’ve accumulated. Kim Soo seemed really interested in my finances, but like most women, they find accounting fascinating. She said she really likes me a lot. I hope I get some sex soon.

December 25, 1999


Dear Journal,

It’s Christmas Day and guess what? I GOT LAID LAST NIGHT! Yes, by Kim Soo. Who the hell did you think it was? Geez, give me some credit. I’m not some loser who has to rely on prostitutes and the girls from the blind school anymore. In fact, she’s sleeping right next to me right now. Boy is she hot. And what a great vagina! Note to self: buy new padlock for diary (I mean journal, ha ha!)

December 26, 1999


Dear Journal,


I’ve decided that I want to live. I’m in love with Kim Soo and I’m not going to let some stupid doomsday comet end my life. I’ve taken the advice of Phil from Collection and with the help of the members of the strange church group I’m creating an underground shelter where we will all be safe from the nuclear fallout. Gotta run, now. I need to buy groceries.

December 27, 1999


Dear Journal,


We’ve managed to build a nice shelter just a few yards away from the office complex. We’re using an old supply closet, which is perfect because I won’t run out of number two pencils to work on my book and/or screenplay. I gotta go again, I need to buy a couple of year’s worth of cat food.

December 28, 1999


Dear Journal,


I laugh at all these people making their stupid New Year’s plans. Don’t they know what’s coming? Kim Soo and I will be safe to reproduce underground. It just occurred to me that we may be responsible for creating an entirely new human race. Just my genes and her genes. I sure hope the kids don’t get my inability to run fast or play sports. That would really not help in the trapping of animals.

December 29, 1999


Dear Journal,

Kim Soo and I decided to do a little practice run in the shelter. Turns out I forgot toilet paper. I gotta run to Sam’s Warehouse. Talk to you later.

December 31, 1999


Dear Journal,


This may be my last entry. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Kim Soo said she had to get some last minute supplies with Phil from collections and the rest of the group. Boy that toilet paper sure doesn’t last long. I sure hope she remembered to buy a pencil sharpener for all these number two pencils. If I couldn’t work on my book and/or screenplay I don’t know what I’d do. I mean aside from all the sex. Duh!

 

[BrothaBill]

Jan 1, 2000


Hello? Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hello???

January 9, 2000


Dear Journal,


I seem to be here all by myself. The opening of the shelter was sealed shut by the impact and searing heat of the comet. I sure hope Kim Soo is okay. I can’t believe she forgot the pencil sharpener. I’m writing this entry with burnt fingernail clipping. Okay, now I’m bleeding.

February 1, 2000


Dear Journal,


This really sucks. I’m already tired of tuna fish. It appears as if it’s just you and I left on this planet. Thanks for being such a good friend. I really should use this time to my advantage and starting working on my book and/or screenplay. Where did we leave off? Something about cascading sounds of rain. Or something about a crescendo.

March 13, 2000


Okay, diarrhea isn’t good in a Y2K shelter. HELLO? HELLO? Is there anyone out there???

April 10, 2000


Ugh. More diarrhea. I can't believe I ran out of toilet paper 2 months ago.

July 23, 2000


Dear fuckinasshole journal,


Eat shit and die!

September 4, 2000


Dear Journal,


Sorry about that last entry. I’ve sort of lost my mind. I made a new friend though. He's a cute litle potato bug and my new (second) best friend. Don’t worry, he could never replace you.

November 11, 2000


Dear Journal,


Okay, I’m sorry, the potato bug did sort of replace you, but that’s over with. We’ve had a parting of ways. I promise never to take you for granted again. I vow never to talk to the potato bug ever again.

December 25, 2001


Dear Journal,


I think it’s Christmas, I made you angel out of an old turd. I’ve also decided for my New Year’s resolution that I will refrain from masturbating.

January 1, 2001


Dear Journal,


My resolution about masturbating didn’t work out. Sorry.

February 14, 2001


Dear Journal,


I think it’s Valentine’s day, so I made you a heart shaped turd. Enjoy.

July 19, 2001


Dear Journal,


Okay, I’m sorry again. I reconciled with the potato bug but I promise this time it is REALLY over. You are my best friend because you listen to all my most secret thoughts and have been quite helpful with my book and/or screenplay – which I promise to begin writing today. I really need to take advantage of all this time on my hands.

September 24, 2001


Dear Journal,


I’ve got a new lease on life. I’m exercising and trying real hard to defecate away from the dinner table. I’ve decided it’s really about time I started working on the book and/or screenplay. Oh look, a scab. How cool. I gotta run.

October 29, 2001


Dear Journal,


What did you just say to me? Is that right? Well, eat shit, journal. What the fuck do you know? I am writing my book and/or screenplay. I have a new title – wanna hear it Mr. Smartypants? I’ve decided to call it “To Kill a Mocking-Journal!!!! Stop mocking me, journal!!

November 3, 2001


Dear Journal,


Are you just going to sit there and not say anything. How many goddamn times do I need to apologize. You are such a pussy!

December 6, 2001


Dear Pussy,


You are a pussy! Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!

December 8, 2001


Dear Journal,


I’m really getting tired of the cold shoulder. We are running out of food and the sewage is up to my chest at this point. I’m thinking about getting out of here. Hopefully, the radioactive waves will have dissipated by now. If I could only open this hatch.

December 23, 2001


Did you hear that? Someone just tapped on the pipe! I think we might be saved. Oh God, I haven’t showered in two years. Do I smell okay??


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bob from accounting was discovered just shortly after this last entry was written. As was the case with The Diary of Anne Frank, we expect this journal will also be published and translated into hundreds of languages to be read by schoolchildren all over the world. Or not.

 

[evansteve]

I read the first page of entries and decided that I had wasted one minute of my life.

 

[Ulcasterdropout]

No one on this board is going to read that..

 

[BrothaBill]

I read the first page of entries and decided that I had wasted one minute of my life.

I clicked on three of your threads and wasted 2 minutes as you once AGAIN posted duplicates. And alot of work went into them. Only a coupla more pages. You know you want to!!

 

[Meantime1]

Wow Bill
What Can I Say, U Must Be Very Bored, Lol